When Your Mom is Elderly

As daughters and sons move into middle age, their parents get even older. Relationships shift from caregiver to the one being cared for, over time. As the elderly one in the equation, it is not easy to accept the fact that you may now depend on your own children for everyday tasks, and more. Pride conflicts with frailty. However, caring relatives will do what they can to make their parents continue to feel useful and not overly dependent. What is the primary way to do so? It starts with love and empathy.

Mother's Day is an especially important holiday to honor all that your parent has done, and the years that have passed. As your mom ages, the gifts that she might have enjoyed decades ago are replaced with the joy of spending time with her children and grandchildren. Exchanging stories and passing along memories is a cherished tradition. If she cannot come to you, then bring her to your home.

Age affects each of us in a unique manner. My grandfather lived to almost 94 (less than a month away) and was in fantastic shape until the last 6 months of his life. His memory never wavered and he was cognizant of everything around him and exactly what was happening until the last day. Because he was doing so well, he and my grandmother lived in their home until 2 weeks before his death.

Not all people fare as well as my grandfather. He knew he was unique. If your mom or dad reaches age 80, they have exceeded the average life expectancy of approximately 77 years. Medical needs may increase at this time, and decisions have to be made whether or not to try continue living independently, or move into an assisted living facility. Things that were once easy like taking stairs and opening jars may become more difficult. Some seniors decide that it is not safe for them to continue driving. Sadly, some spouses lose their partner at this age, as well.

The bottom line is that there are a lot of significant changes or adjustments that may be occurring for your mother around age 80. They can be confusing at best, and even overwhelming. Some senior citizens become depressed. As a daughter or son, you can ease the transition by being a consistent source of support and help. Gently talking to your mom and listening when she is upset about her situation is a tremendous gift. Be patient with her, just as she was with you when you were growing up.

Specific ideas to show your love to an older mom on Mother's Day include:

• Taking her for a scenic drive, or a tour of old neighborhoods. My grandmother enjoys viewing blooming tulips this time of year. We also drive around areas in which she raised her children, and then other areas where she grew up. This prompts discussions of what life was like back then.
• Creating a memorable scrapbook. This was a huge hit last year. We took old photographs of grandma as a young girl, as well as pictures of her as she started her family. We copied them and pulled out old recipes of hers, and put everything together in a beautiful keepsake.
• Taking her to worship. It may be difficult for her to get to church or temple on a regular basis. Help her into the house of worship and see that she connects with people with whom she is familiar.
• Asking her to help you out. Your mother wants to feel like she is still needed. Depending on her physical abilities, you can work on planting flowers in outdoor pots, or bake bread together. Tell her that you are making a stew and you need to know which spices to use. Ask her for advice.
• Following through on your promises. In our busy lives, it is easy to forget that elderly people cannot move around as quickly and do not have the commitments we do. If you tell your mom that you will come by to visit, or will phone - do so! She will be waiting and greatly disappointed if you forget.

There is no need to wait for a special occasion to do these things with your mother! Any time you can show her attention and spend time together is beneficial. Elderly people are very afraid of being forgotten, or being a burden. You can show love by helping to dispel these fears.

It is not easy helping a parent through old age. But stop for just a moment and think about just how terrifying it must be for your mom or dad. Put aside your frustrations and work on being a gentle constant on which they can rely.

If your elderly mother lives far away from you, try to make arrangements to visit at least once a year. Regular phone calls, and especially handwritten letters (enclose photos!) let her know that she is in your heart, despite the miles separating you.

Encourage your parent to remain active in her community, and if she is having difficulty getting around (and is not living in an assisted facility), then see if there are Dial-a-Ride services that can be used. See if a trusted, younger neighbor can check in on a regular basis, as well.

The golden years should not be tarnished as a result of poor care and feelings of helplessness and un-worth. Take your mother by the hand and walk beside her during this period. That is the greatest way to show your love, on Mother's Day, and every other day of the year.