When Your Mom is Elderly
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As daughters and sons move into middle age, their parents get even older. Relationships shift from caregiver to the one being cared for, over time. As the elderly one in the equation, it is not easy to accept the fact that you may now depend on your own children for everyday tasks, and more. Pride conflicts with frailty. However, caring relatives will do what they can to make their parents continue to feel useful and not overly dependent. What is the primary way to do so? It starts with love and empathy.
Mother's Day is an especially important holiday to honor all that your parent has done, and the years that have passed. As your mom ages, the gifts that she might have enjoyed decades ago are replaced with the joy of spending time with her children and grandchildren. Exchanging stories and passing along memories is a cherished tradition. If she cannot come to you, then bring her to your home.
On-Line Resources
- Helping an Elderly Parent
- Age and Depression
- How to Talk to Your Aging Parents
- My Jewish Learning.com
Tips on caring for parents as they age - Troubledwith.com
How to show concern and respect for the elderly
The Age 80 Milestone
Age affects each of us in a unique manner. My grandfather lived to almost 94 (less than a month away) and was in fantastic shape until the last 6 months of his life. His memory never wavered and he was cognizant of everything around him and exactly what was happening until the last day. Because he was doing so well, he and my grandmother lived in their home until 2 weeks before his death.
Not all people fare as well as my grandfather. He knew he was unique. If your mom or dad reaches age 80, they have exceeded the average life expectancy of approximately 77 years. Medical needs may increase at this time, and decisions have to be made whether or not to try continue living independently, or move into an assisted living facility. Things that were once easy like taking stairs and opening jars may become more difficult. Some seniors decide that it is not safe for them to continue driving. Sadly, some spouses lose their partner at this age, as well.
The bottom line is that there are a lot of significant changes or adjustments that may be occurring for your mother around age 80. They can be confusing at best, and even overwhelming. Some senior citizens become depressed. As a daughter or son, you can ease the transition by being a consistent source of support and help. Gently talking to your mom and listening when she is upset about her situation is a tremendous gift. Be patient with her, just as she was with you when you were growing up.
Books for You to Review
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Chicken Soup for the Soul A Tribute to Moms
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Complete Idiot's Guide to Caring for Aging Parents
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Mother's Mother's Day
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Every Day Is Mother's Day
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Mothering Mother: A Daughter's Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
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What Do You Do When Your Parents Live Forever?: A practical guide to caring for the elderly
Price: $2.98
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The Graying of the World: Who Will Care for the Frail Elderly?
Price: $78.93
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What Can you Do on Mother's Day?
Specific ideas to show your love to an older mom on Mother's Day include:
- Taking her for a scenic drive, or a tour of old neighborhoods. My grandmother enjoys viewing blooming tulips this time of year. We also drive around areas in which she raised her children, and then other areas where she grew up. This prompts discussions of what life was like back then.
- Creating a memorable scrapbook. This was a huge hit last year. We took old photographs of grandma as a young girl, as well as pictures of her as she started her family. We copied them and pulled out old recipes of hers, and put everything together in a beautiful keepsake.
- Taking her to worship. It may be difficult for her to get to church or temple on a regular basis. Help her into the house of worship and see that she connects with people with whom she is familiar.
- Asking her to help you out. Your mother wants to feel like she is still needed. Depending on her physical abilities, you can work on planting flowers in outdoor pots, or bake bread together. Tell her that you are making a stew and you need to know which spices to use. Ask her for advice.
- Following through on your promises. In our busy lives, it is easy to forget that elderly people cannot move around as quickly and do not have the commitments we do. If you tell your mom that you will come by to visit, or will phone - do so! She will be waiting and greatly disappointed if you forget.
There is no need to wait for a special occasion to do these things with your mother! Any time you can show her attention and spend time together is beneficial. Elderly people are very afraid of being forgotten, or being a burden. You can show love by helping to dispel these fears.
A Parent's Wish
Will You Care for Me?
It is not easy helping a parent through old age. But stop for just a moment and think about just how terrifying it must be for your mom or dad. Put aside your frustrations and work on being a gentle constant on which they can rely.
If your elderly mother lives far away from you, try to make arrangements to visit at least once a year. Regular phone calls, and especially handwritten letters (enclose photos!) let her know that she is in your heart, despite the miles separating you.
Encourage your parent to remain active in her community, and if she is having difficulty getting around (and is not living in an assisted facility), then see if there are Dial-a-Ride services that can be used. See if a trusted, younger neighbor can check in on a regular basis, as well.
The golden years should not be tarnished as a result of poor care and feelings of helplessness and un-worth. Take your mother by the hand and walk beside her during this period. That is the greatest way to show your love, on Mother's Day, and every other day of the year.
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In Memoryof Mother Mom Love Family Gift Italian Charm
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Comments
I will do so, Daniel! Thank you for the heartwarming comment.
very good advice, steph, I love the tenderness that is evident in the ways to help our mothers; thank you!!! Marisue
very timely and great hub Steph! Especially love the thoughtful scrapbooking and take her to worship ideas - we so often forget what says 'i love you' to other people.
If you are lucky enough to still have your Mom love her, love her, love her...remember that the only forever unconditional love will come from your Mom.
Steph very nice hub I've lost my Mom in '92 and still miss her.
regards Zsuzsy
I like this hub! I don't know about you, it seems the older i get the more I need my mummy! here is to mothers!
This is beautiful, Steph. I love your ideas. My grandmother's favorite thing was a scenic drive and on Mother's Day we would drive her past her favorite spot see the cherry blossoms in bloom. Zsusy is right - a mother's love is so unique, treasure her!
Thank you everybody for the wonderful comments! I write this primarily from the perspective of watching my mom with her mother (especially after my grandfather passed away last year). Marisue, yes, I believe that moms need tenderness, particularly as they age. Lifebydesign and patkagmak, I completely agree. I rely on my mom constantly - even though we live 6 hours apart. Zsuzsy, I am so sorry about your loss. I cannot imagine the hole that must be left when a mother passes. Amy - a cherry blossom drive sounds lovely!
Steph--very nice Hub. I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this comment because it reminded me of all the special memories of my own mother and brought back how much I still miss her even after all this time. She passed in 1992 from colon cancer but I know she is still with me everyday.
Somehow, I have begun stepping over the "caring" line every once in a while with my own daughter as I get older. It does feel strange to have her "do" for me sometimes because it's always been my role to care for her but I know that at some point the roles will shift. I just want to be here with her for many more years to come and watch her keep growing into the amazing woman she's become.
Both my parents died young, as did all my grandparents. I look around the elderly women in grocery store lines and wonder what the women in my life would even look like if they'd grown old! Please, Please, Please, remembering all those who don't have mothers to honor, and whose children are spread completely across the USA unable to be with their moms. Remember, many moms are spending their mother's days alone....HONOR, LOVE, ATTEND, CHERISH your mother's this coming May 11. And equally, all you moms out there, adore the effort that your children make for you on this day!
Oh Ruthie, I can tell how much you loved and honored your mother! I am scared myself for aging and watching my mother get even older. Big hugs to you!
Desert Blondie, thank you so much for such a wonderful, loving comment. My best friend never knew her grandparents, while I had all 4 of mine until I was almost 39 years old.... It is a true gift!! Happy Mother's Day to everyone!
I am also motherless, but she came to visit after she passed away, but that's another story.
I really like the section "what can you do on Mothers Day." I worked for a short time at a retirement facility. There were so many residents that just got parked there and no one ever came back to visit - very sad.
Hi Steph,
With Mother's Day approaching, I can see how our loved ones who've passed are never forgotten. There is truth in saying that nobody dies when they live within your heart forever. I too lost my mom back in 87, and find myself remembering so many things, so many memories that live within me still. I only hope I am and was as good a mom as she was to me.
Take a moment to read the hub I just published about my mom :)
Thanks for writing and sharing such great ideas!
Patty
Karen, I can believe that it must have been so difficult to work at a facility such as that. It would break my heart on a daily basis! Hi Patty - I am sure that you are honoring your mom's memories! I will take a look at your hub too. Steph
What a great Mother's Day tribute!
Hello Steph,
I had to take a peek and see how my video, "A Parents Wish" was being used. What a beautiful site you have created. Thank you for including my video.
I lost my mother in 1994 and the residents I care for fill such a big hole in my heart. I look at the people that I care for and alot of them are the ages my mother would of been. They are all very special to me.
Thank you again for sharing my video on such a beautiful site.
Rhonda Severn
Hi Rhonda, Your video was just heartwarming and touching! I loved it so much! My grandfather passed away last fall at nearly 94 years old, and my grandmother at almost 90 is not doing well. You are doing a very special thing! I am honored to have your video be part of this page. Thank you! Steph
Great hub, Steph. My mom turned 69 in May, same month as Mother's Day. I had a lot of special things and gifts planned, as I always do, but she didn't want all that. Just a day together. Watch some movies, play some games, etc. So we did. For mother's Day she wanted one of those toiletries baskets with all the matching soaps and oils and stuff (she LOVES those things!), instead of the fancier gift I asked her about. So that's what I did. The better gift isn't always the more expensive one. It's the one that makes the intended SMILE.
And the greatest gifts are free: Patience, Compassion, Understanding, Love.
PS: I really like the new pic!
Hi Constant Walker, I really appreciate the comments! I am watching my mother with her mother right now. My grandmother turns 90 next Wednesday and just lost her husband of over 65 years last fall. It is very difficult to watch. Elderly mothers need extra help, patience and love. It is a delicate balance. You did the right thing in being sensitive to doing what your mother wanted, rather than what you wanted your mom to have for Mother's Day. Time together is so important! I am smiling extra big thinking about the joy you brought to your mom on the special day!
Each week, I pick up the phone and call my grandmother. It is not always easy, although I love her dearly. She often speaks of wanting to die. That makes me so sad. But, then my mom tells me that for the next several days, that is all she talks about is my phone call to her. Patience, Compassion, Understanding, Love. Thank you for reminding me and others of these great gifts we can give on a daily basis to our moms (or any other loved one!)
(thanks about the profile pic - I'm not sure I'm going to keep it. Its one from a fancy night out with my husband and I usually don't get that dressed up with make-up, etc. - to me, its not me.... I may soon replace it. :-)
aw Steph, what a great hub, In many Asian countries, the aged get respect are considered wise counselors for their families. and we are improving here in America, but not as much as we could.
I have the greatest memories of listening to my dad tell stories of his life, and I loved all the older aunts and uncles...to hear them talk of yester-years was so entertaining I often laughed til I cried. O to have them back, helping me thru my life, now.
My step-mother is 84 a young 84, very sharp and active. I am in more contact with her than her own daughter and always have been. Thanks for bringing this very important generation to the forefront of our minds and hearts!!
I love the experienced!!
Steph, I think you should keep it. It's purdy!
Hi M. You're right about Asians, and the same is true right here, of Native Americans. The Elders are the wise, the treasured, the ones with the funniest (and sometimes the nastiest!) stories... we even have a few Elders right here on HubPages!
Awwwww - thank you!!! Marisue, you are so right about respecting our elders! Weren't we taught that as children? How do we forget that as we age? Hmmm.... CW, you are correct that other cultures do a better job!
Marisue, what a wonderful treasure you are giving your step-mother, as well as yourself, by spending quality time with her while she is spry and able to remember and enjoy that together-time! You are so fortunate. And thank you for the wonderful image of the generational stories being passed down. I miss my grandfather dearly! He always had so much advice and wonderful stories to tell. Treasure those moments while you have them, as you note.
Thank you both for the wonderful thoughts!
you know, another thought that just brings tears to my eyes, I could tell a problem to an older aunt or uncle and they could always minimize it with their nods and wise comments. I always knew things would be ok because they had lived through something similar or worse. I do miss that comfort and hope to be able to pass those feelings on to my kids if they'll be quiet long enuff to listen!
Now you have me welling up, Marisue! It is so true. Our elderly relatives care for us, and they have lived through more than us (no matter how old we are). When my grandpa was dying, he tried to remind me about how to deal with my mom (his daughter). He was there for me as a teenager, as an engaged young woman and as a young mother too. I dearly miss him, and I can tell from your post how much you miss your cherished relatives too. But, I have a strong sense from all that I have read from your hubs and comments, etc. that you will comfort your children and relatives now and in the future, just as you were comforted - or more!
Steph,
I can totally relate to this. I am so fortunate to have my parents live next door to me... yes that was totally planned, so that in their older age I could take care of them without them living with me. Thus, their independence would be given and my privacy would be met. We actually have a gate between the two properties in the back yard that we can use to go back and forth. I so see them getting older, almost by the day. As a mother I have always been so grateful that my children's grandparents could be so close... I am a firm believer that it certainly does "take a village" to raise a child today.
In the Doghouse, I am a firm believer in that approach too! I was so lucky to have 4 grandparents living until just last year! As a child, I saw all of them on a regular basis, including my aunts and uncles, cousins and the like. I am very close to my grandmothers, my grandfather who is still living, and the rest of my extended family.
You planned wisely, and I can see how this will be a great benefit both to you, your mother and your father as they age. Right now, my mom is having a tough time picking up my grandma from the assisted living facility and bringing her up to stay for a week at a time each month. It is hard on both of them, but my grandma is depressed being there by herself without grandpa. But really, my mom cannot take care of my grandma by herself (my dad is around, but he still works and doesn't help all that much!). Grandma is unsteady, slow, and - to be honest - a bit crabby. So.. not to write a novel here, but your forward thinking seems to be great planning on all levels! Steph
Steph,
Thanks... it was planned that is for sure. My girlfriend who was older than I did the same thing and it worked out beautifully... so when we were having our home built several years ago, we thought why not just do the same for my parents in the lot next door. They were happy to move to where ever we went, being retired they had no ties, and they certainly wouldn't have missed out on the grand-kids! lol It just worked out perfectly...now if you have parents who will not allow privacy, then you might have a problem... but mine are incredible.. And it is great to have my Dad next door in case of technical emergencies...like a broken water pipe etc. when my hubby is at work.... It is awesome!
You know, it is not a bad idea at all! My parents are still young (they had me very young), but we actually have a vacant lot next door to us! My husband might kill me if he read this - LOL - but hey. In another 10 years, my parents may start to need some help. And I live 6 hours away from them now. Lord knows I could use an extra hand or two with 4 kids. And in 10 years, my twins will only be 15!! :-)
Steph,
It works wonderfully!!!!
This is great I take care of my father who is now 81 years old since my mom passed away 13 years ago, and every day it gets harder for me and him. He feels like he is a burden to me and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with him, But he is my father and unless he gets so bad I can not take care of him, I will keep him forever.
Debby, my own mother could have written what you said! Although she is not the caregiver 100% of the time for my grandmother, it is so difficult for her when she does have grandma. And grandma knows she is a burden (which is why she says she wants to die sometimes). Bless you for your dedication and devotion. Your father is fortunate to have someone as patient and loving as you.
ive been trying to do this for my grandmother, she lives at home with us but can get bored quite frequently, but we keep trying to keep her involved and busy. very insightfull thank you!
Hi my-hair-tools, that is kind of you to take your grandmother in. With my grandmother, my mom tries to have her do small things like plant pots with flowers, stir up recipes (after the ingredients are in the bowl), sit and fold towels, or put photos into albums. My grandma likes to feel useful. It can be difficult though. I appreciate the comment. Steph
Hi stephhicks68,
Your love for your parents shows in your hub. I salute you. Hugs.
I hope many sons and daughters will have the chance to read this article. It's a refresher material on how to love aging parents.
I wish you accept my invitation to join my fan club. The way you treat your aging parents inspires me. I feel the same for my aging parents.
franciaonline
franciaonline - thank you for your warm comment. I also hope that many families will read this article and be inspired with respect to caregiving for elderly parents. I will check out your profile right now. Welcome! Steph
Your ideas are very tender and shows your love .My mother is no more but she is in my memories for ever.Her fond memories and sweet nature will be with me for ever.Our parents are our most precious gift from life.
http://hubpages.com/_2un9stbd9f4q1/hub/great-motheHi Glory, thank you! Mothers create very nice memories, don't they? We should all enjoy time spent with our mothers while we can!
A very moving and touching piece. I wish I had read your post many years ago as my parents began to age. My dad passed several over 10 years ago. My mom, I believe, is on her last leg. I myself am part of that sandwiched generation that is taking care of their elderly parents and raising kids at the same time. Thank you so much for that eye-wetting post!
hubby7
Hi Hubby7, thank you. It is so tough to watch our loved ones age. I am sorry to hear that your mother may be nearing the end. I wish you lovely hours with her and fond memories. Steph
Wonderful advice here. My mother is 81 and lives on her own, an hour away. It's such a struggle sometimes but it's definitely a labor of love. Your're so right about the need to be patient and the need to maintain the contact. They gave everything they had, why would we forget them now?
Hi Mulberry1, Patience is indeed key, but these deserving women have earned it, as you point out! Your mother is lucky to have such a devoted child. All the best, Steph
Great hub Steph. I wish I had been given the priviledge to show my mom patience, love, and empathy in her last months. Instead she died like a dog all alone alone in a cold hospital. May be your advice will encourage someone to do what I did not!
Hi Howieta, I can understand how tough that must have been. My grandmother is tough to deal with (though I love her so much), and I can see my mom struggling. I am so sorry about your pain and am sending healing thoughts your way.
Steph
wonderfully said my dear...
The Parents Wish is to touching to me...as my 89 yr. old sweet mom is there once again...as a child for me to care about...She is in a Alzheimer Home ( 32 residents only) and is very much in need of all the Love and care we can find...things have switched and that is fine with me...
God Bless every MOM there is in this world and Thanks for the beautiful tribute to them all...G-Ma :O) Hugs
Thank you G-Ma and all the best to your mom, too. All they really want is what they gave us growing up..... LOVE!
I lost my Mom on July 6, 2008...not yet a year ago. She had Alzheimers and lived with us the last 3 1/2 years of her life...I'll always treasure the memories. Appreciate, Communicate, Validate...while they are still here!!
Hi miracles02, I'm sorry to hear of your loss! Excellent advice for relatives to consider and - of course - to act on. Best, Steph
My mom is turning 65 come June, and I do hope she lives longer. Although she lives away from me (my parents live in the province), we always communicate through text. Thanks a lot.
Mother's Day is coming again! We should remember to care about our eldery on every day basis, but holidays are special ocasion to demonstrate to them our love. I got the link to your hub on my page when I published my son's essay about his grandma. My mom is 80 and she lives with me. She will live with me, in my house, as she never gave me to someone else's care more that it was really needed (like say, kindergarten). I'll care about her myself as long as it is possible, as no other place will be better than home.
Thank you for your hub.
I have Mom;s who getting elderly. but not to older. My mother is 56 years old now. I think we have to taking care her wisely. My heaven is under my mother's leg. So I have more respect and pay more attention to her.
Your hub made me think. Thanks for that....My Mom is 65, which some consider young, but her health is failing. It is a challenging time. I want to walk on the beach with her, but she is unable. I want to laugh with her, but she is not happy. What I have learned is that I can dole out all the advice in the world and her ears remain closed. Therefore I practice ACCEPTANCE with my Mom. I love her for who she currently is not who I want her to be.
Hi Steph,
I lost my Dad a little over a year ago and I just recently lost my Mom this past July. It is the most painful hurt I have ever had to endure. It is hard to imagine this world without my parents in it. I love them both so much!! Cherish your parents, you only get one set of parents..
This is a very touching warm and thoughtful hub. I also lost my mother,but we were blessed to have family that never left her side.
I would like to add that before leaving a loved one please research people that will be dealing directly with them. Find out about the staff and their creditials. www.FreePeopleEzSearch.com is a free search that will give you access to more substantial background checks when needed. Your parents are worth the effort.
danielpyle says:
2 years ago
Thanks Steph,
For everyone whose mother is still living please pass along a kiss and hug from me. I miss mine and pray that you will all enjoy the one and only mother you are ever going to have.
Your Friend,
Daniel Pyle