When Your Mom is Elderly

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By stephhicks68


Mom and Daughter
Mom and Daughter

As daughters and sons move into middle age, their parents get even older. Relationships shift from caregiver to the one being cared for, over time. As the elderly one in the equation, it is not easy to accept the fact that you may now depend on your own children for everyday tasks, and more. Pride conflicts with frailty. However, caring relatives will do what they can to make their parents continue to feel useful and not overly dependent. What is the primary way to do so? It starts with love and empathy.

Mother's Day is an especially important holiday to honor all that your parent has done, and the years that have passed. As your mom ages, the gifts that she might have enjoyed decades ago are replaced with the joy of spending time with her children and grandchildren. Exchanging stories and passing along memories is a cherished tradition. If she cannot come to you, then bring her to your home.


Encourage her to talk about her past and share important stories
Encourage her to talk about her past and share important stories

The Age 80 Milestone

Age affects each of us in a unique manner. My grandfather lived to almost 94 (less than a month away) and was in fantastic shape until the last 6 months of his life. His memory never wavered and he was cognizant of everything around him and exactly what was happening until the last day. Because he was doing so well, he and my grandmother lived in their home until 2 weeks before his death.

Not all people fare as well as my grandfather. He knew he was unique. If your mom or dad reaches age 80, they have exceeded the average life expectancy of approximately 77 years. Medical needs may increase at this time, and decisions have to be made whether or not to try continue living independently, or move into an assisted living facility. Things that were once easy like taking stairs and opening jars may become more difficult. Some seniors decide that it is not safe for them to continue driving. Sadly, some spouses lose their partner at this age, as well.

The bottom line is that there are a lot of significant changes or adjustments that may be occurring for your mother around age 80. They can be confusing at best, and even overwhelming. Some senior citizens become depressed. As a daughter or son, you can ease the transition by being a consistent source of support and help. Gently talking to your mom and listening when she is upset about her situation is a tremendous gift. Be patient with her, just as she was with you when you were growing up.




What Can you Do on Mother's Day?

Specific ideas to show your love to an older mom on Mother's Day include:

  • Taking her for a scenic drive, or a tour of old neighborhoods. My grandmother enjoys viewing blooming tulips this time of year. We also drive around areas in which she raised her children, and then other areas where she grew up. This prompts discussions of what life was like back then.
  • Creating a memorable scrapbook. This was a huge hit last year. We took old photographs of grandma as a young girl, as well as pictures of her as she started her family. We copied them and pulled out old recipes of hers, and put everything together in a beautiful keepsake.
  • Taking her to worship. It may be difficult for her to get to church or temple on a regular basis. Help her into the house of worship and see that she connects with people with whom she is familiar.
  • Asking her to help you out. Your mother wants to feel like she is still needed. Depending on her physical abilities, you can work on planting flowers in outdoor pots, or bake bread together. Tell her that you are making a stew and you need to know which spices to use. Ask her for advice.
  • Following through on your promises. In our busy lives, it is easy to forget that elderly people cannot move around as quickly and do not have the commitments we do. If you tell your mom that you will come by to visit, or will phone - do so! She will be waiting and greatly disappointed if you forget.

There is no need to wait for a special occasion to do these things with your mother! Any time you can show her attention and spend time together is beneficial. Elderly people are very afraid of being forgotten, or being a burden. You can show love by helping to dispel these fears.

Together forever
Together forever

A Parent's Wish

Will You Care for Me?

It is not easy helping a parent through old age. But stop for just a moment and think about just how terrifying it must be for your mom or dad. Put aside your frustrations and work on being a gentle constant on which they can rely.

If your elderly mother lives far away from you, try to make arrangements to visit at least once a year. Regular phone calls, and especially handwritten letters (enclose photos!) let her know that she is in your heart, despite the miles separating you.

Encourage your parent to remain active in her community, and if she is having difficulty getting around (and is not living in an assisted facility), then see if there are Dial-a-Ride services that can be used. See if a trusted, younger neighbor can check in on a regular basis, as well.

The golden years should not be tarnished as a result of poor care and feelings of helplessness and un-worth. Take your mother by the hand and walk beside her during this period. That is the greatest way to show your love, on Mother's Day, and every other day of the year.


Mother's Day: When Your Mom is Elderly in the News

Yahoo News

Comments

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danielpyle profile image

danielpyle  says:
3 weeks ago

Thanks Steph,

For everyone whose mother is still living please pass along a kiss and hug from me. I miss mine and pray that you will all enjoy the one and only mother you are ever going to have.

Your Friend,

Daniel Pyle

stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68  says:
3 weeks ago

I will do so, Daniel! Thank you for the heartwarming comment.

marisuewrites profile image

marisuewrites  says:
3 weeks ago

very good advice, steph, I love the tenderness that is evident in the ways to help our mothers; thank you!!! Marisue

Lifebydesign profile image

Lifebydesign  says:
3 weeks ago

very timely and great hub Steph! Especially love the thoughtful scrapbooking and take her to worship ideas - we so often forget what says 'i love you' to other people.

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee  says:
3 weeks ago

If you are lucky enough to still have your Mom love her, love her, love her...remember that the only forever unconditional love will come from your Mom.

Steph very nice hub I've lost my Mom in '92 and still miss her.

regards Zsuzsy

patkagmak profile image

patkagmak  says:
3 weeks ago

I like this hub! I don't know about you, it seems the older i get the more I need my mummy! here is to mothers!

amy jane profile image

amy jane  says:
3 weeks ago

This is beautiful, Steph. I love your ideas. My grandmother's favorite thing was a scenic drive and on Mother's Day we would drive her past her favorite spot see the cherry blossoms in bloom. Zsusy is right - a mother's love is so unique, treasure her!

stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68  says:
3 weeks ago

Thank you everybody for the wonderful comments! I write this primarily from the perspective of watching my mom with her mother (especially after my grandfather passed away last year). Marisue, yes, I believe that moms need tenderness, particularly as they age. Lifebydesign and patkagmak, I completely agree. I rely on my mom constantly - even though we live 6 hours apart. Zsuzsy, I am so sorry about your loss. I cannot imagine the hole that must be left when a mother passes. Amy - a cherry blossom drive sounds lovely!

RUTHIE17 profile image

RUTHIE17  says:
3 weeks ago

Steph--very nice Hub.  I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this comment because it reminded me of all the special memories of my own mother and brought back how much I still miss her even after all this time.  She passed in 1992 from colon cancer but I know she is still with me everyday.

Somehow, I have begun stepping over the "caring" line every once in a while with my own daughter as I get older.  It does feel strange to have her "do" for me sometimes because it's always been my role to care for her but I know that at some point the roles will shift.  I just want to be here with her for many more years to come and watch her keep growing into the amazing woman she's become.

desert blondie profile image

desert blondie  says:
3 weeks ago

Both my parents died young, as did all my grandparents. I look around the elderly women in grocery store lines and wonder what the women in my life would even look like if they'd grown old! Please, Please, Please, remembering all those who don't have mothers to honor, and whose children are spread completely across the USA unable to be with their moms. Remember, many moms are spending their mother's days alone....HONOR, LOVE, ATTEND, CHERISH your mother's this coming May 11. And equally, all you moms out there, adore the effort that your children make for you on this day!

stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68  says:
3 weeks ago

Oh Ruthie, I can tell how much you loved and honored your mother! I am scared myself for aging and watching my mother get even older. Big hugs to you!

Desert Blondie, thank you so much for such a wonderful, loving comment. My best friend never knew her grandparents, while I had all 4 of mine until I was almost 39 years old.... It is a true gift!! Happy Mother's Day to everyone!

Karen Ellis profile image

Karen Ellis  says:
3 weeks ago

I am also motherless, but she came to visit after she passed away, but that's another story.

I really like the section "what can you do on Mothers Day." I worked for a short time at a retirement facility. There were so many residents that just got parked there and no one ever came back to visit - very sad.

trish1048 profile image

trish1048  says:
2 weeks ago

Hi Steph,

With Mother's Day approaching, I can see how our loved ones who've passed are never forgotten. There is truth in saying that nobody dies when they live within your heart forever. I too lost my mom back in 87, and find myself remembering so many things, so many memories that live within me still. I only hope I am and was as good a mom as she was to me.

Take a moment to read the hub I just published about my mom :)

Thanks for writing and sharing such great ideas!

Patty

stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68  says:
2 weeks ago

Karen, I can believe that it must have been so difficult to work at a facility such as that. It would break my heart on a daily basis! Hi Patty - I am sure that you are honoring your mom's memories! I will take a look at your hub too. Steph

Angela Harris profile image

Angela Harris  says:
2 weeks ago

What a great Mother's Day tribute!

Rhonda Severn   says:
2 weeks ago

Hello Steph,

I had to take a peek and see how my video, "A Parents Wish" was being used. What a beautiful site you have created. Thank you for including my video.

I lost my mother in 1994 and the residents I care for fill such a big hole in my heart. I look at the people that I care for and alot of them are the ages my mother would of been. They are all very special to me.

Thank you again for sharing my video on such a beautiful site.

Rhonda Severn

stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68  says:
2 weeks ago

Hi Rhonda, Your video was just heartwarming and touching! I loved it so much! My grandfather passed away last fall at nearly 94 years old, and my grandmother at almost 90 is not doing well. You are doing a very special thing! I am honored to have your video be part of this page. Thank you! Steph

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