Love My Kids, Hate Their Abusive Father
72
The Cycle Ends Here
I probably shouldn't even publish this hub. My husband, who I am legally separated from but living with, will probably snoop into my computer somehow and read this. He's done it before. I'm getting tired. I don't care anymore. But then again, I HAVE to care because he has ensured over our 12 years of marriage, that I care ONLY about him and what HE wants.
And let's get one thing straight right off the bat......I do NOT expect pity out of this hub. What I'm really aiming for is to get this off of my chest and make 100% sure that I am moving in the right direction. Maybe those of you that have been in this situation can give some helpful advice. Even just a positive word helps tremendously. When you have NO source of optimism in your life, it's a long, lonely, dark road.....
The Evolution of Courage
In the beginning, your charm shone through
You were a sweet and helpful soul
I was hesitant to love anyone at all
But decided to play the role
Soon after the first date
Your true colors started to show
You loved yourself and no one else
Over time, my weaknesses would grow
But I believed you when you told me
That you were just having a little fun
I second-guessed myself again
Girl, it's only just begun
You said all the right things to me
What you wanted out of life
I couldn't believe the similarities
So I offered to be your wife
Little did I know back then
My happiness would end
The minute we left our own wedding
The mental torture began
Pregnant with our first child
You put your hands on me
I'll never forget how I felt just then
Drowning in sadness, so deep
You told me that it was my fault
I shouldn't have made you mad
But you were very sorry
And said, "It won't happen again".
Too bad I believed you
Our poor children heard it all
Every name that you called me
Every fist against the wall
I leave you, then I come back
Thinking I'm the one at fault
And that I am a horrible mother
And I should act "More like an adult"
You apologize and promise me
You're only hurtful to motivate
You say that nothing else works
When you're trying to get me to see your way
You lie to your children
You don't care at all
When I tell you that "it's over"
On deaf ears my words fall
Excuses, excuses
To abuse and to control
Are you happy we all walk on eggshells
Not living a life, playing a role
Hypocracy at its finest
You are now counting on me
But what you do not realize
Is that I am starting to see
The page is getting clearer
Widening my view
I'm slowly gaining self-esteem
To part myself from you
No more apologies
No need to waste more time
Your children and I want to be happy
Not walking your thin line
Soon....soon:)
BY, Jamie (MissJamieD)
3-16-09
- Early Warning Signs He's an Abuser
Way back when, I had a little thing I’d do on first dates to feel out the guy and learn a little bit about him. We’d go to dinner and I would not pick up the menu. I would ask him to order for me. ...
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Comments
Thanks so much Writer Rider. This is only a tiny glimpse of reality, but I think it gets to the point.
I appreciate your kind words. I'm much stronger now, but still have a ways to go.
Thanks for reading:)
Jamie
I'm on your side Jamie... Men like this SUCK! There is not a counseler, or class around that can straiten this type up... They are destined for ultimate power and control, and will never grasp it, and they know it, so they plan to bring the ship down with the storm... Well, we females are good swimmers in the sea of realization, and will reach the shore in no time... Let him sink into his powerless abyss, and free yourself from him. He will do nothing but bring you down with him, if you let him...
Cheers Jamie!
Pity? No!!! Support? Absolutely!!
Jamie, I love the hub! You are very courageous woman, and I thank you for sharing and not caring what happens. I also wanted to tell you that I come out to Minnesota at least once a year, and would be more than happy to come to your place and give this guy a taste of his own medicine. What part of Minnesota do you live in? Thanks again for being willing to share.
I wish I had someone like you to turn to around here. I wouldn't have had to worry about having such a long, horrible marriage...lol. I wish I had my three half-brothers here, H wouldn't have lasted a week! Thanks Benji. You're always a peach.
I'm in East Central MN. I'd be happy to hand him to you so you can do my dirty work! Let me know...lol
Hugs
Haha, I've never been called a peach before. I'll do my best to take it as a compliment :)
It just means you're sweet. Ya know, peaches are sweet?!! lol
Haha, I've only ever called a person a peach because they bruise easily. Thanks for saying I'm sweet though :) That's awesome of you.
Great hub! You are right. You have to do what is best for your children and you. I have been there. Once your eyes open to the truth of the lies you've been living, all you can think about is a way out. You've fund your strength. Use it to make a better life for the people that matter most in your life you and your children.
Tootles!!!!
Nayberry,
Thanks so much for your comments. It's so funny that you said "Tootles". Just as I read it, Mickey Mouse was on the Disney channel and said "Tootles". He says it on every show and I have a little one that watches the toddler shows every morning:)
Anyway, I've found the strength to leave 8 other times but found myself here again, that is why I struggle with this so much. Everything he says is rude lately and I just want to *&^%*&Y)(&*!! I'm sure you can figure out what that means...lol...Pretty soon I'll just have to have the cops come over and make him leave. He's in MY house now and I live 20 steps from the cop shop. Literally!
Thanks again for the advice. I'm sorry that you have been there, but I'm guessing you're not there anymore. Good for you sweetie. Take care and be safe:)
Jamie
Uffff. I can feel the pain in your heart. It is aching me as well. Please, please create a new life for yourseelf and your precious children. You deserve peace and prosperity and somebody who really loves you. Blessings.
Tatjana---Thank you so much sweetie. I sure appreciate that. I am in the process of preparing myself to do just that. To leave him, forever.
This is such a difficult time for me and I thank God that I have you and the other great people here, for support. I couldn't do it without all of you, honestly.
My husband is in a bad place right now, mentally, and it's scary for me. It always has been, or I wouldn't have stayed. But now that I am older and wiser, at least I know to prepare myself and my children, so that I don't find myself with him ever again. I cannot do it. I am ready to move on.
I'd rather be alone than be with him, definitely, but I have not loved my husband since the first year of our marriage (12 1/2 years ago) when he put his hands on me. I'm ready to date and to be treated like I deserve to be treated.
Thanks again for the support. Hugs
The passion of your plight is expressed so clearly in your poetry,I'll pray for you to gain the strength to remain free.It's clear that your husband is a rotten branch on your family tree.Fly away Jaime D and no more chances,make like a botanist and cut off any rotten branches.
Mindless--AAhh, but you're not mindless:) Thank you so very much for your support. It's so wonderful to know that I'm reaching out to people, and not just for the cause. I sometimes think that only I can understand what I'm trying to say. Ever have that problem? lol
It's so sweet of you to show concern and I can assure you that I am flying and will continue to do so. I am out of love with my ex and have been for years, but now I've lost all compassion. I've haven't been able to do that very often in my 33 years, I care about people. Even if they hurt me. But he's crossed the line too many times and now it's my turn to shine.
Thanks sweetie:) I'm glad to meet you! Hugs
Jaimie, you are speaking about my life!
Cindy--I'm so sorry. You're not living this now are you? You seem so vibrant and happy....how are you doing?
I am living this cycle of abuse. Have been for almost 15 years. My beautiful children are drowning in his hatred and control. I want to get away and never look back but so hard for my children to except dad wont be there. He wont leave only by force. I pray Karma will get him each day.
Wendy--I'm so sorry to hear about your story:( I have to say that my husband's abuse issues were a result of drug use and although he is clean now and going into in-patient treatment next week, the damage from our past relationship is done. I'm certainly not accepting anything my husband did to me, as okay, all I'm saying is that some marriages can get through abusive stages and some cannot. I only pray that I can, but there is not 100% certainty. If my husband would've used drugs one more day he would've done something tragic and destructive that would've ruined everyone around him. Luckily God must've stepped in because somehow after 13 years, I got him to understand just where he was at in his life. Not every relationship can be cured, but I will pray for you that yours will. Please do not live in the guilt, it will kill you and you cannot be the mother you need to be, while depressed all the time. I only suggest that you try what I did to turn my life around, I found an online support system, because the ex didn't allow me to have friends in real life, and I went to Yahoo groups and places like that to find other people that have been through the same exact situations. These strangers taught me to love myself and that I am worth so much more than what I was getting....so do you Wendy. I will be praying for you and your children. If you need to talk, please email me anytime:) Big hugs
Stumbled here. I will tell all to this faceless page in the hope it helps someone. Will provide an email address if someone wants to communicate. Just leave a comment and contact. Ok ... so here is my story.
I have fully or partially supported my partner for the last 20 years. The last 8 years fully ... he's been unemployed or had short term token employment. I have bought all the houses and cars (even his)single handedly. He has cheated on me several times in the past, exposed our children to his stash of porn and toys, we have not shared a bed for the last four years. I would not touch him if he was the last man on earth. His last attempt at intimacy, he tried to film me without my permission. When I try to tell him how much pain that I and our 2 children are in living with him, he gets really mad, even in front of them. He threatens to kill himself ... he holds box cutters over his wrist, hangs nooses of rope and electrical cable from the downstairs girders, takes random pills like sedatives, painkillers, even disgarded lactose pills from OC packs and tells us they’re eckies. He even claims my abusive childhood (sexual and physical abuse from much older brothers and my mother allowed it) as his own misery and blames me for it. I became an alcoholic for 6 years. Some of this time I was a women's health counsellor! I kicked the habit before I died from pancreatitis (I'm an RN so I know the stats). I am so tired, so confused, so saddened but I also get so damn angry now, I hit him. He has stolen my life and my children's future right out from under us while he smiled and made empty promises. His children have no respct at all for him and want him gone, but you know what? He will come up the stairs tomorrow morning (he lives in the entire bottom floor by himself)like nothing ever happened. He has this reset button where today is a new day. He will guzzle all the coffee, fill up his fat gut, stink out the toilet, wander downstairs and do what he likes all day. If I ask what he's done, he'll tell me not to start on him again and he'll call me a whining nagger. What the hell is wrong with him (dr says he's depressed) and what the hell is wrong with me (nobody knows what he's really like and I'm too ashamed and embarrassed to say)? How should I feel if he does top himself? I pay his life insurance and it’s enough to blast us off, right out of this mess! I have no family at all, apart from my children. I feel I am the worst mum in the world and wonder how my kids still love and respect me. Where is the 'way out' sign. How the hell did I get here? I just wanted a happy family and I thought he loved us. I'm 48.
need2heal--honey, I can't tell you how sad and sorry I feel for you right now. Since you can see that I've been in this situation, I only say these things from experience, but some people will make you feel like the guilty party, if you were to tell. Some people will say that you're not being a good mom because you're letting them see this crap. They've all said it to me, trust me. But I'm here to support you and to tell you that you are a victim from one end to the other. You and I are not in regular relationships where we can just say good-bye to our partners. My marriage has made many turns for the better recently because my husband quit doing meth after 12 years. So, I dealt with so many disgusting things with him, I can totally understand your pain. But you are NOT a bad mother or a bad person. You're here sharing with me and many other strangers of the world, I think you are a good person and you don't deserve to be miserable, no matter what the situation. Please, email me and we can talk if you want. OK? I wish you the best sweetheart. I'll pray for you. Come back to see me. big hugs
Thankyou JaimeD for posting back. I was shocked to get a response to my post. It brought some tears. I hope things are better for you too. Thankyou for sharing with me and hearing my pain.
Writer Rider says:
9 months ago
Yeah, some men weren't risen correctly and are an utter waste of space. I'm sorry for what you've gone through.