I don't know if anyone here on hubpages has missed me, but there has been a lot of chaos in my life lately.  As most of you know, if you have been readers of my hubs, I am going through a divorce from my husband of ten years.  Our relationship started out good.  We had a good time with each other but I think we didn't really know one another and grew farther apart. 

He started drinking a while back and just added more drama into our already failing marriage.  With the drinking came violence.  That is what I am writing about today.  Last Saturday I asked him if he wanted the girls to stay with him or with my parents, I had been invited out and was looking forward to some grown up time.  He didn't answer so I told the girls to go get in the van, they would stay with my parents for the evening.  All of them were ok with that except the middle daughter, she loves her daddy and likes to spend time with him.  That was ok with me, as long as there was no drama for the night.  I was prepared for that also.  I had told my parents he probably would not be civil for the evening.  They said they would be ok with the girls.   Anyway, I left his home with the oldest and youngest children and he called me before I got to the end of the driveway.  He told me he was going to have some fun for himself for the night.  I said that was fine, I would come back for Cheyenne.  He told me he wanted to take her with him and I asked where he was going.  He then told me he was going to go buy drugs.  I immediately turned around and went back for her. 

He wouldn't give her to me, he blocked my way out of the house.  Cheyenne was crying and wanted to go with me and he still wouldn't hand her over.   I reached for her a last time and he pinned me to the bed with his arm across my throat.  For the first time, I saw pure rage and no remorse in his eyes.  I genuinely feared for my and my kids safety. 

I manuevered out of the situation by the grace of God and gathered Cheyenne quickly and got out of there.  Cheyenne told me that her shoes were inside.  So I waited for a minute and things inside seemed quiet.  My thought was (stupid) I would run back to the door and grab her shoes, back to the van and out of the area quickly.  It didn't work that way.  I got back to the door and saw him walking down the hall with an extention cord and the toaster, straight for the bath tub.  I told him that I loved him and the girls loved him, he needed help and walked away.  I don't think he would ever do anything to himself, I think he does things like that so I will pity him and eventually things will go his way. 

 I do love my husband, but I also hate him.... It is hard to explain.  I guess the easiest way to say it, he gave me the three most precious things in my life that I can't live without.  He does need help to manage himself and his anger.  He needs help to leave alcohol alone and make a man of himself. 

Monday morning I filed an order of protection agains thim and he isn't allowed to come near us.  That didn't stop him though.  He came to my parents home where I am staying and tried to take the kids.  He broke in the door and my mom and sister tried to get him to leave.  He wasn't going willingly and in the process, he pushed my sister into the wood stove, hurting her back pretty badly.  It looks awful and I know it is sore. 

I went with her the next morning to file an order of protection against him also.  I hate that my problems have become the problems of my family, but I am thankful that they still are willing to help me through them.

I decided long ago that there is no hope for him and I to reconcile, but the girls still need a father.  I hope he can man up to become at least that for their sake. 

I have spent the last few days looking at my situation, where I am and where I'm going.  I am blessed to have a loving family, three beautiful girls and good friends to talk to.  I am lucky to be here and thankful I am.  I pray daily for the strength to get through this with my sanity and can pursue happiness in the end. With our without my husband, my girls and I deserve a good chance at a happy life. 

I hope that when you read this, you look at what you have in life and thank
God for it all.  I think a lot of the time, we concentrate on what we don't have and forget to remember that He is always with us, in every situation giving us what we need to pursue day to day.  Our storms are nothing for Him to handle. 

Sunshine is on its way.  I can feel it.