Fathers Day for my Birthday
56Fathers Day
Here it is, the first day of summer, my birthday and Fathers Day. I have every reason to be proud. I am the father of four of the most beautiful people who ever walked the earth. I can say that, because they are. I am their father and may be biased, but knowing that does not change my mind.
I found myself being comfortable with my own death. This does not seem to be the” Norm” in our society. It was a long journey, but in the end, I accepted my own mortality. That is, until I had children. Now I feel I must fight to live longer at all costs. I have to be there for them. Not being there for them is my second greatest fear.
My own father taught me many things in life. One of them, is how not to be a dad. For that, I thank him. Fathers and Sons seem to have much strife in life. Many of the things that I hated him for, I now understand. I want my kids to do their best. I do not want any excuses. Life can be scary, and the world is only getting worse. I feel my children need all of their wits about them if they are going to make it in this world.
Luke, I am your Father
My own father and I had a falling out. Over and over. I tried so hard to please him. To make him proud of me. I wanted his love so bad. Problem was, I was never good enough. I tried and tried. Then when I finally did exceed his expectations, he went nuts. He would be jealous. He tried to live vicariously in his expectations of me. It seems that he set the bar too high, and when I made it, he would feel bested.
My father was a very interesting man. People thought he was so cool. To some extent, he really was. He had a psychological problem. When I read about this disorder, I was flabbergasted. It was as if someone had written this about my dad. In groups he was the life of the party. Quite charismatic. But when alone or one on one, he would let his demons out. I had been on the receiving end way too many times. It was not physical abuse, just mental and emotional abuse.
One day, when I was 12, my mom took my older brother and I for a car ride. She went into this long diatribe of how life was this and people were that and blah blah and so your father may be moving out for a short time on his own to see how that goes. What do you boys think of that? In unison, we said, “Does he have to come back?”
After he moved out, I would see him almost every Sunday. Somehow my brother quit going after a few months. I still went. I still trusted blindly. I still tried for acceptance. When I was 16, I canceled our Sunday outing 3 weeks in a row at the last minute. I had a new girlfriend, a fact I thought he would appreciate, as he was quite the ladies man. He would have approved of her. She was hot, smart and older. The next Sunday I dare not cancel. It was on father’s day.
I had found a $13 card. It said everything that I ever wanted to say, and to this day I still believe, everything a father would want to hear. It was bound in leather and must have had ten pages. I put on my best clothes and went to his flat. He was not there. I waited. He did not show. I slipped it under his door. So I left and called. I figured something must have come up. I called all day long. When my mom found out, she called him that night. No, no emergency. He blew me off because I canceled 3 weeks in a row. She was furious. He did not want to see me after that. I felt like I had been a horrible person.
Fortunately, my mom rocked. She has always loved me, even when I screwed up. She had enough love to fill me and nurture me. I still consider her one of my best friends. She is cool enough to just hang out with.
By the time I was 18, I learned that it was him all along, not me. I had gone through guilt, feeling worthless, and then anger. I felt confused about the good things that I saw in him, especially when I saw much of him in me. Finally I felt sorry for him, but not so much for myself. I came to terms, in my heart and mind. I gave him up.
Years later I had two kids. I moved back to St. Louis to raise them. I thought my father should see his grand kids. I figured that I should give him another chance. By our third visit with him, I realized he was nuts. I would not have his ugliness around my kids. It does not hurt, it does not bother me. Our lives are full without him. At least I can say that I tried.
As a father, I see in myself many of the things that caused strife between me and my father. It is the classic scenario. I expect the best from my kids. The big difference is, no matter what they do, or do not do, I love them. God forbid one of my daughters drops out of school, runs away and comes home pregnant with a drug addiction, I would rant and rave and spit fire and brimstone. But I would hold her in my arms and love her all the same. I would take her in.
My love for them is unconditional. I would kill or die for them. I will love them and accept them, provide for and protect them till the day I die, no matter what they do with their lives.
Happy Birthday To Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ko8WvrltEAM
pics for video by me. Song by Jason Mraz.
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Comments
Hi k@ri, I am a very lucky person. :)
Happppy Fathers' Day.
Happy Birthday and Happy Father's Day! My ex-husband's birthday is today also. My daughter thinks it's cool to celebrate her dad's birthday on the same day as Father's Day.
Happy Birthday Paper Moon - what a wonderful father you are!
Thank you Teresa
KCC- and the first day of summer to boot.
Shalini- Thank you. I could always be better, but they know they are loved. :)
Well, all I can say is that you and those four kids were made for each other. Doesn't always happen as you know from your childhood - but when it does it is beautiful. Like your family. Happy Birthday Paper Moon.
Happy Birthday. Today is also my mother-in-law, my son, and my granddaughter's birthday. It's a good day. Enjoy.
Happy Birthday and Father's Day!! What a journey.
Iphi- yes we are. i look into those eyes and my heart melts every day. Thx.
lafenty- what a way to keep it in the family. could be one heck of a party!
Thanks TM.
This was such a sad story...about your dad. I understand so much how you must have felt growing up. I always talk about what a great guy my STEP dad was, that he was my DAD. Well, thats because he showed me what a good dad was. My real dad (biological) was horrible. As you began to describe him it felt as if you were describing my biological dad to a "T". I can relate to your story so much.
Also, that video you made was so precious it made me cry. What a creative and wonderful person you are. And you and your wife have some beautiful kids. I am sure they are proud to have you! ~ JJ
JJ- I don't feel sad about it at all. I don't even think of him much. It was a more than a little confusing when I was young, I had my ups and downs like any teenager, but my mom had enough love and support for a whole village. My step dad is far out cool, but he did not come in the picture till I was like 17, so not really a father figure. Glad you liked the vid. :)
Oh by the way...Happy B-day and Father's Day!!! =)
Paper - enjoyed this article very much. Loved the video. Parents are funny things huh? Including us ...
I love one of mine very much and the other's an idiot. One out of two ain't bad odds in my book.
Happy Everything Paper!
Mucho Gracias La Loba.
Froggy- thanks for dropping in. You are so right. I just hope both of my kids parents turn out ok. LOL
PM- I didn't see much of my father growing up and hold alot of resentment still for the abandonment part, especially considering all the shit I went through but for my family we have repaired, for the most part, our damaged relationship. I'm feelin' the hub man. Have a good Father's day, hope you get to kick your feet up.
With these damned 72 hour work weeks, and about 2 more months of them, that is my one true request today. Puttin the feet up.
Happy Fathers day to you as well.
I'm sorry to hear about your father. My father is just that same way too! We can only do so much to please them and have their approval. But deep down, we still love each other as family. Thanks for sharing this hub.
Hope you had a great father's day and were thoroughly spoiled :)
My dad had a horrible childhood with a terrible father. Luckily he broke the cycle and was the most awesome dad. I think about him every single day. David, you sound much like that - an awesome father who is providing to his children and wife what your father couldn't provide for you. The blessing is your ability to recognize your father's mistakes. He must REALLY be jealous of your success and most likely has many regrets.
Dear Mr. Nice A. Guy, Hey there love of my life. I'm reading this as you're napping, so I suppose that's a very good thing. Beautiful story. Yeah, we could all use improvement, but I think you're doing just fine. I knew when I first laid eyes on your hands that eveything would be just fine. That you were the best. That you'd make the greatest dad. You are and you do. So thank you. Happy birthday and happy father's day and happy summer solstice (again). Slipping you that note was the best thing I ever did. Love, Mrs. A Lust Bucket.
Oooh, you made me cry as you spoke with such honesty and love. Your children are very lucky to have a Dad that has grown in wisdom from his own experiences. Sniff!
Happy Birthday, Happy Father's Day!
Alas,we can't pick our parents, as you so aptly stated here. I have a mom much like your dad was. She spent more time getting to know the salespeople at Macy's and Nieman Marcus than her own daughter. Lost my dad when I was six. Today I was trying to remember what his laugh sounded like when my husband said that I probably have part of it as my own---and I thought that my older brother most likely does as well. I guess that's how it all works, doesn't it?
Anyhoo, a VERY Happy Father's Day and Feliz Cumpleanos to you!
Thanks for sharing this PM, Happy birthday, and father's day as well. Great video, is that you singing?
Mayhmong- I am glad you have love as a family. It would have been great to have a better dad, but it does not bother me at all. I am in a great place in life.
Ethel- I fell asleep and they let me nap! ! !
William- Glad you had an awesome dad. I don’t see how I could not give these kids love. They are so perfect. I am a lucky man.
My dearest Frieda- You let me nap. Must be my birthday!.. LOL.Thank you from my toes to the ends of the universe. You helped me be a father and made 4 perfect children with me. And thank you for your “odd” note. It did lead to great things. ;)
VioletSun- I suppose they are lucky, but I could not really imagine it any other way. I am happy you came by for a read today. Thank you for your beautiful comment.
Dink- I am deeply sorry to hear that you lost your dad. It is hard to remember the details. I often try to remember things about my older brother. Your husband was probably right, you guys probably laugh like him. That is such a warm thought.
Trooper- Thank you for the wishes. I wish that was me singing, I would be filthy rich. My singing is not so hot. That is Jason Mraz singing. Thank you for your wonderful fathers day hub.
It is still your birthday and Father's Day. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY and HAPPY FATHER'S DAY on both counts. Sounds like you have learned some hard life lessons but are turning them towards good. Congratulations on your beautiful family and wishing you and your entire family the best of years ahead.
Sometimes a parent can teach a child how NOT to be a parent--and it's the only thing they are able to contribute, isn't it? I'm so sorry to hear how your dad treated you...but glad you were able to rise above it!
Happy Birthday and Happy Father's Day--You have the sweetest looking kids--thanks for sharing them with all of us!
I purposely left off Happy First Day of summer! It's central Texas and my air conditioner is being worked on! We haven't had a/c since Thursday and won't have any until possibly Tuesday! Luckily, I wrote a hub about how to stay cool so I'm referring back to it and I think we've managed to try most of them this weekend. I think we used a tank of gas this weekend riding around in the car.
Peggy- Thank you for your warm wishes.
TamCor- I am glad you liked the vid. Thanks for the compliment.
KCC- I am so sorry for you. A few years ago we had a huge storm and most of St. Louis was without power for days. At midnight it was 98 degrees with 98 % humidity and no breeze. You could put a candle on the hill and no flicker the air was so still. I had to drive around all night so the two littlest kids could sleep. Even with wet towels I could not cool them off, so in the car we went. Thank god for that.
PM, you sound like the kind of father every child dreams of. Happy times for you and yours! And happy birthday! :)
Happy Birthday. Happy Father's day.Loved the pix with the Bengal tiger.
It's these fathers that make us want to do a better job at it. A belated Happy Father's Day, Paper.
What an awesome video! You have gorgeous kids, thank you for sharing that with us.
My Dad was troubled too, to say the least, and he died in his 40s of lung cancer---on Father's Day. Ouch. I remember standing outside the hospital room the day before Father's Day and no one would go in. My brother was like, "What am I supposed to say? Here Dad! Got you a tie!" So I finally went in and said goodbye and he died by himself sometime after midnight.
So that was weird, but over the years (I'm 56) I've come to feel some sadness for him. It's easier when he's not here. Why do men have to melt down and take it out on their sons so often? I mean it's a whole 'trip' isn't it--bad dad, the bad dad trip. I'm so glad you came through it and your kids don't have to. Great hub.
Wow what a wonderful dad and such a good singer too...we do learn from our parent's one way or the other and bless you for finding the good side of things....
Wonderful children and so enjoyed every second of this hub...a Be-lated BD wish and Father's Day too...:O) Hugs
Diana- Thanks. That is our new kitty. Frogdropping recommended it.
Thanks Tom.
Pgrundy- that must have been awkward. I am sorry to hear that you had to deal with that. The bad dad trip seems common.
G ma- The singer is Jason Mraz. Glad you enjoyed. Thanks for the comment. Means a lot. :)
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k@ri says:
6 months ago
Happy Father's Day, Happy Birthday and Happy Summer. Your journey had me crying, and your love for your children is wonderful! You are a very special person, Paper Moon!