THE MAN'S PREGNANCY SURVIVAL GUIDE

You did everything listed on the internet. You tried every position in the book. You took the advice of every family member and sometimes complete strangers. You even visited the fertility statues. OK. You did it. It took a miracle, but you succeeded. That is about as much credit as the man gets in the whole pregnancy thing. Sorry, hate to break it to you. We know it was her biological clock ticking anyway, and you're just along for the ride, right?

Well, for the men who wanted to have a baby, too, and who were anxiously awaiting the extra blue line on that pregnancy test, and are firm supporters of breastfeeding: I would like to take this moment to tell your wives how lucky they are to have you on board with this baby!

Pregnancy was a strange adventure for me. I didn't want to have kids at first. I remember my first husband pointing out to me that people who have kids all have the same look on their face like they were about to completely freak out. The more I heard him say that, the more I noticed it, too. So I got on the pill for the next few years, and since we were divorced shortly thereafter, I guess that was a good thing.

Then I married my second husband. We never really discussed children, as we were both the oldest in our families and felt no burning need to have children. We had our birds and cats and the dog. Then I started noticing other people all had babies.

Now, my ex-husband wasn't really into this idea. In fact, when I started getting frisky, he would start getting nervous. In hindsight, he was right. We couldn't afford to have a baby. We could barely feed all the animals we had in our little one bedroom house. But I couldn't understand at the time why he wasn't up for the challenge. Between that and a few other things, that marriage failed. But we are still friends.

When I got together with my current husband, he had this hangup about his ex-girlfriend having an abortion with his baby. He had a few other hangups, too, but this one was one I was clinging to. I wanted a baby so bad. I had been praying, my grandmother had been praying, my mother was warning me, my little sister even had a baby before I did. And she's a lot younger! Then Grandma's novena started working. I think she prayed pretty hard. I have three kids now, after a miscarriage and seven years of trying.

I remember driving down the road in tears, crying to myself that I must not be worthy of being pregnant. Less than 24 hours later, I found out that I was pregnant. It was quite an emotional experience for me. I was always fighting with my husband (my boyfriend, then). One time, I was so upset that I was crying while I was driving, and I got pulled over. The policeman asked me if I was ok. I explained to him that I was pregnant and..........he interrupted and said, "OH, I understand...my wife is pregnant, and she cries for no reason, too." He let me go with no trouble. My brother-in-law saw me pulled over on the side of the road, and had called my husband, who was laughing at me when I told him what had happened.

So there is lesson #1: Pregnant woman may cry for little or no reason. Offer support. If your wife is a pregnant driver, ensure the safety of your baby by explaining that she should not cry and drive at the same time. It isn't safe.

#2 Pregnant woman may feel insecure in your love for her, so be sure to generously dish out sincere compliments. And keep your eyeballs glued to their sockets when the girl next door jogs by in a bikini. In fact, pretend not to notice. Have eyes only for the pregnant woman. One day, she won't be pregnant anymore, and you will want to have access to her again.

#3 Pregnant woman thinks of food, dreams of food, has love affair with food. The noises you're used to hearing in the bedroom may begin to emanate from the kitchen, or in public places, like restaurants.

#4 Pregnant woman feels fat. Remind her she is not fat, she is pregnant. Be patient afterwards. Encourage breastfeeding, as that will help her lose weight FAST.

#5 Pregnant woman needs tender loving care. If the doctor puts her on bedrest, make sure she is able to rest. If there are other children, take good enough care of them that Mommy can rest. Without the rest, Mommy's not happy. And we all know that means nobody's happy.

#6 Pregnant woman needs money to buy clothes for each stage of her pregnancy, nursing bras, and nursing-friendly attire.

#7 Pregnant woman is on emotional roller coaster. The thing she wanted yesterday may make her vomit today.

#8 Pregnant woman needs lamaze partner. Let it be you.

#9 Pregnant woman, when far enough along, cannot fit behind steering wheel. Be available and nice about driving her wherever she needs to go. And be willing to go to the store. A lot.

#10 Raw ginger root, when nibbled in tiny bites is a guaranteed cure for morning sickness. She can carry it around in her purse wrapped in aluminum foil. But it must be replaced daily.

There you have it. Every woman is unique, but these are some basic guidelines. I would also like to point out that pregnant women are even more emotional about the basic rules described in this article.