MS....... WHEN TO DISCLOSE

Due to a situation, of late, in my life, the question of disclosure about having MS is paramount in my mind.

When I was first diagnosed I felt that it was only the right thing to do when I was applying for a job. You know, let people know that I was willing to do the work but that I may have some small limitations. As it turned out, this was not the best for me, as all I got from the potential employer was, "Thank you. We'll call you if something becomes available."

I spoke with my doctor about this and he explained that since people have a general fear of that which is unknown, people with MS frighten the average person. Remember, we are talking about the 80's. Now in 2007, is there any less fear? To the informed, yes the fear is substantially dimimished. To the uninformed, we might as well be in the Dark Ages.

Unless people take the time to seek the information, due to a friend or family member having the disease, we are still bound by misconceptions or total apathy from or by the general population.

My advise is to tell it at work only after you have proven that you can handle the job. This was also the advise of my physician. This is what I did and once my employer saw that I was a valuable employee my MS didn't matter.

Now, on a personal level, disclosure tends to be more difficult. How are you meeting that special someone? Many of us today meet online and there is sometimes a time element involved before the first physical meeting. I certainly would perfer to meet the person before talking about anything as personal and confusing as MS to anyone. But how to do this without it screaming deception is another problem.

What I have found to be adequate in most situations, is to let that person know that I am on Disability; that I sometimes have problems with my mobility; or problems with my vision, etc.. If they should care enough to ask the reason, then I disclose. However, if they don't ask then I don't go any further until the actual meeting takes place. By then, hopefully, we have established some sort of a relationship and talk about the subject should come much more freely. Be fore-warned, there are still those who will think that there was deception and/or that we are merely looking for someone who will become our caregiver in the near future. People, in that case, just move on. It's not worth trying to convince anyone that you are able to live and love as well as those without the disease.

All of us, everyone, has some form of handicap, be it physical or mental, maybe they are simply not loving and accepting of others (to my thinking, that is a handicap).

So, the question: To disclose or not to disclose? Well, my answer is to take each and every relationship and look at it carefully. Decide where you want to go with that relationship. Now, decide what the relationship will handle and when. Make your decisions about disclosure like any and all decisions with that person.......how much can he/she handle and when? Only you will know when you feel it is right to tell that person all. Then, if your timing fails, all you can do is chalk it up to experience and decide whether or not adjustments are needed when faced with the same dilemna the next time.

There is no easy answer to this one. I hope that I have provided some insight for you and how you might handle the situation. Also, to anyone who has loved and loss over the situation of disclosure, I hope that this writing serves to bring comfort to you in knowing that you are not alone. Most likely it has happened to all who have MS more than once. Ask yourself this, does it hurt because they wouldn't accept you with MS; or, does it hurt because that person wasn't as special as you thought him/her to be? Either way, they lose, not us. There is love and acceptance out there, may you find it.