Madame Le Safety: My name is Madame Le Safety and I'm here today to talk to you about SAFE SEX. I'd like to welcome Dr. Knobrot from the Safe Sex Institute as our expert on the show today. Dr Knobrot has spent years studying and practising all aspects of SAFE SEX.

Dr. Knobrot: Hello boys and girls. I am so happy to be here with you today. I heard that you are busy learning all about Health and Safety. For the past 30 years, I have studied all the ins and outs of sex. I have tried to study sex in many different places and have always believed that you have to practise what you preach. As I've preached a lot, that means I've got to practise a lot as well.

Madame Le Safety: Thank you, Dr. Knobrot. Can you please tell us why it is important to practise SAFE SEX? Why do all the boys and girls out there need to be careful?

Dr. Knobrot: Well Madame, and might I just quickly say, I do like the way your skirt rides up your tightly-muscled thighs when you cross your legs. Let's be blunt here. The age of promiscuity is a thing of the past. People bonking in the bushes in public parks and dropping their drawers for total strangers happened in the seventies. We now sit with trying to cope with the afternath of all that shifty shagging. Sexually transmitted diseases are a real problem these days as is AIDS. It's not that you have to know where your sexual partner has been. You also have to know where all their sexual partners have been. I recommend that you get any person you are thinking about having sex with, to fill in the handy dandy sex survey I'll pass you now.

Madame Le Safety: Thanks so much Dr. Knobrot. Oh, I see you've filled in all your details! Three hundred and sixty-five women! Wow! You are experienced! And, oh thank God, you wore a condom every time. But, I'm a little confused, why have you given me a form with your details filled in already?

Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe. You never know Madame, what might happen when there is a break in the show.

Madame Le Safety: Ooooo Doctor, you're making me blush and wriggle on my seat.

Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehehe. And that's just the start of what I can do, young lady!

Madame Le Safety: Why do you put so much importance on wearing condoms? Many men think it impedes their performance and stifles their masculinity. I must say, I prefer it au naturelle.

Dr. Knobrot: Kind lady, forgoing the condom is a huge mistake. Most people think that a condom is only for preventing an unwanted pregnancy. That's a minor advantage of wearing a condom. A condom helps to prevent you getting a sexually transmitted disease that your sexual partner might have unknowingly picked up on a previous indiscretion. By the way, you can call me Ready Freddy as I always carry a large supply of condoms around with me. I use the extra-large size for extra-large men.

Madame Le Safety: But Doctor...you are only of average height and slight build.

Dr. Knobrot: I have large feet and hands, my lady.

Madame Le Safety: Tee hee tee hee. Oh....you're making me very nervous.

Dr. Knobrot: Last year over 19 million people caught a sexually transmitted disease because they did not wear a condom. This of course, excludes AIDS. The most common STD's are: chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital herpes, human papillomavirus, hepatitis B, trichomoniasis and bacterial vaginosis. Syphilis is another STD that can lead to an early onset of dementia. And at the moment, they reckon over 40 million people in the world have HIV/AIDS. That's a helluva lot of people who can pass on something unpleasant during something that is supposed to be....well, pleasant. Hehehehe.

Madame Le Safety: Doctor, I have heard that people can also pass on a cute little pet. Will a condom prevent that?

Dr: Knobrot: Ah, Madame, that cute little pet is a particularly nasty little critter called pubic lice or crabs. You get that and you have to duck into darkened empty rooms and corners to have a good old scratch. Very itchy business, that is. Unfortunately, a condom will not stop pubic lice from jumping from one to another.

Madame Le Safety: I have my own method of practising safe sex.

Dr. Knobrot: Hehehehe, I know where you are going with that, Madame. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you swallow or spit, when practising fellatio it is best to still use a condom. AIDS especially, is spread by body fluids, so if you have a small cut in your mouth or on your lip and the lucky man ejaculates, then the infected semen can still enter your body through the cut in your mouth. It's better to be safe than sorry. Sometimes, you don't know that you have a cut in your mouth, or an ulcer. When are we having a break? All this talk is making me, er...happy to see you, and I'm a hard man to please if you catch my drift, hehehehehe.

Madame Le Safety: Oh, Doctor....Boys and girls, we'll be taking a short break...

Dr. Knobrot: Just 15 minutes, Madame. Would you mind showing me where the bathroom is?

 Madame Le Safety:  Hello, sorry, I'm a little out of breath.  It must have been my speed walk back from the bathroom.  It helps to keep my butt and thighs firm.  Speed-walking, that is.

Dr. Knobrot:  And what a firm little butt you have, Madame, hehehehehe.

Madame Le Safety:  Back to the subject at hand, Doctor.

Dr. Knobrot:  And you do have a good hand action, my dear.

Madame Le Safety:  Um...er...back to condoms.

Dr. Knobrot:  Don't economize, condomize is the slogan I say.  If you use a little sex toy, put a condom on it.  Whatever orifice is your preference, use a condom.  In fact, make sure that any object inserted into the front door or back door is encased in a condom.  You don't want semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk or blood to come into contact with your body.  Oh, and don't try and beat the global credit crunch by washing your used condoms and re-using them.  Throw used condoms away.

Madame Le Safety:  But what about when it's my time, er...the women's time to be pleasured?

Dr. Knobrot:  Use some plastic wrap like Glad Wrap or Cling Wrap.  It's not only for preserving food you know, hehehe.  Using a plastic wrap is very kinky.  If a man is going to 'eat out', he can put some honey or jam on his side of the plastic wrap and lick away.  Of course, if you're Australian you might want to put a dollop of Vegemite on your side of the plastic wrap.  South Africans can sprinkle Biltong Sprinkle.  This also helps to prevent you from choking to death on a pubic hair which might find its way to the back of your throat.

Madame Le Safety:  Plastic wrap?  Well I never!  Now I've heard everything!

Dr. Knobrot:  Menstrual blood can also transmit AIDS and STD's.  Definitely don't want that, it's nasty.  Hehehehe.  If you're 'rimming', it is advisable to use plastic wrap as well.  Hehehe, you don't want to catch dingleberries on your tongue!

Madame Le Safety:  Rimming?

Dr. Knobrot:  Licking the back entrance, Madame.  Some people find it, er...erotic.  It's good to keep latex gloves on hand as well.  You don't want to collect any germs or bacteria if you're using a finger or a fist.

Madame Le Safety:  Well, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us about SAFE SEX, Dr. Knobrot.  I'm sure that the boys and girls watching the show will stock up on plastic wrap and condoms.  Remember, it's better to be safe than sorry.