How not to find a mail order bride

Finding love is no laughing matter. Here I share with you my failed attempts to find find love overseas, online, and often at the end of a bottle. Hope you find it funny and enjoyable

I am edging towards 40, single, in debt, and losing hair at an alarming rate.I can't afford an American woman. Not emotionally nor financially am I able to satisfy a woman of this culture so therefore I have turned to what else? NAFTA. I figure I should act quickly before the dollar falls even more and I am stuck with a Canadian amputee or worse yet a French hermephodite. I have always been fond of women with accents whether they be Japanese, Russian or just a Saturday night slur. So knowing G. Bush has plans to send me back some of my money in hopes that it will stimulate the economy, I began to research my options.

I looked through my large stack of unopened mail hoping I missed the flyer for the sping sale on Korean imports but had no luck. I figured maybe "mail order" is an archaic term and that the internet would be a better resource so I googled " mail order bride". The search returned 283,000 hits. Obviously there are plenty of other American men who feel that cheese isn't the only thing that should be imported. I clicked on one of the sponsored ads and was taken to a page that was quite informative. They offer " tours" of different countries such as Russia, Ukraine, Columbia, Costa Rica and Peru. I envision a hayride through the pumpkin field where you just point out the one you want and the wagon stops but I assume it is a little more complicated than that. They list the prices as follows:

City Departure Date Price Costa Rica Tour Mar 6 $1495 Odessa Tour Mar 19 $4095 PeruTour Mar 20 $1595 Peru (without hotel) Mar 20 $795 Peru/Macchu Picchu Mar 20 $2495 Davao Philippines Mar 27 $2195

Odessa is in the Ukraine, which is cold. If I am going to window shop for a future wife I don't want to see her in a parka slaughtering a walrus, I would much rather do it sipping coconut drinks wearing a hawaiian shirt. That leaves me with Peru or Costa Rica. Phiippino mail order brides are so 80's so I am striliking them off the list also. Peru sounds much more exotic , Peruvian rolls off the tongue much easier than Costa Rican ...I will explore there. Checking out the rest of the page I find that they even offer a lawyer to ease the transition:

When you become serious with your special someone, and need assistance with bringing her to the U.S. then contact attorney Mrs Jones.

Due to her expertise in both Russian and U.S. law, as well as being a Russian bride herself, Mrs. Jones is highly

qualified to assist you and your fiancee through the visa process.

So maybe if you involve a lawyer BEFORE the marrige you can avoid all of the messy stuff like divorce papers, paternity tests and identity fraud.

So I have settled on my location, and found legal help....it is all shaping up well so I continue researching.

Let her know you are thinking about her, when you are away. Thoughtful gifts are always appreciated by Russian, Latin,and Asian women and brighten their day. Roses, candy, and beauty supplies are just a few of the choices.

Well this does seem to be the proper thing to do. I mean what Peruvian woman wouldn't appreciate some M&M's and Mabelline?

In many of our Russian and Ukrainian tour cities, English classes are available for your special someone. Many of our Latin American and

Asian offices offer English classes as well These English courses are

intense and will give your foreign woman conversational ability in

English. Having good English skills will make a favorite impression

with immigration personnel as well as easing the transition to living

in a English speaking country

Now this one I don't know about. Maybe I don't want her speaking english. Maybe head nodding and pointing will suffice. Come to think of it I may even try to save a few bucks and find a mute Peruvian. This way when we do get married I can get a tax break And a handicapped parking sticker.

Many of the same adjectives used to describe the women in other Latin American countries, such as beautiful, friendly, and laid back can be

A change? you mean a change from the American women ....does this mean I won't hear " what the F are you looking at" in spanish?

The impression that Lima women have of foreign men is that they are faithful, honest, polite, and kind-hearted. They want men who will love

Check Check Check and Check....it is almost like they were writing to me!

Peru women look at your character and soul first, before yourappearance or financial attributes. These women require your

my character and soul before appearance and finances?....This is true love wrapped in a burrito I can tell.

The vast majority of Lima women are Catholic, and because of this,there is a much lower divorce rate than in North America or Europe. The

See, I won't need that Russian lawyer afterall....

Okay at this point I am sold. Now I must find her, my Peruvian Princess. So I browsed the profiles and came up with a crop.

The application was quite complicated and extensive. I had to supply my intentions, my personal information, financial status and several photographs.. After waiting several days I was emailed a list of candidates that they felt were better suited for me.

Maybe I can find a companion that doesn't require a visa, a lawyer, english lessons, roses and expensive bubble bath. A friend that will be happy just watching the waves break on the beach and like me for who I am...my soul and my character......

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