Major Causes Of Divorce
89American and Japanese Divorce Rates, 2002
Divorce Statistics in the World
The above graph shows that American divorces decreased toward 2002, while Japanese divorces increased. Will they meet in the middle around 2010?
In order for a marriage relationship to succeed, I believe that there must be a foundation upon which partners build a relationship. They do this over time with experiences that add something to the foundation rather than to destroy it. These experiences should not be a temporary tap dance across a foundation that is used as a steppingstone to other people and other tap dances.
A marriage foundation, in my mind includes one or both of these:
1) a common set of core values between the partners, or at least several shared values; or,
2) a set of interests and passions that can join the partners together long term.
In my experience as a counselor and therapist, the largest two causes of divorce among the people I have seen have been:
- 1) A lack of foundation in the marriage, and
- 2) Abuse, including any of verbal, emotional, physical, economic, religious, and sexual abuses.
What is Marriage?
In 18th and 19th century America, well into the 20th century, people did not often marry for love or faith-based foundations or mutual interests, or love. They married to join good families, to produce heirs, and to have children to work on the family farm. I believe they often married fro survival, especially among the pioneers blazing trails to California, Washington State and Oregon.
To be sure, some people married for love, and some arranged or survival marriages saw the partners come to love each other or even to fall in love. However, this may not have been the usual pattern. Survival and the drive to reproduce are extremely strong; otherwise, the human race would become extinct.
As women began entering the professionals, obtaining the right to vote, etc., they expanded their mental horizons, some deciding that they could live without dependence upon a husband or father as a breadwinner. During World War II, American women went to work in the jobs men had left behind when they entered the armed services. After WWII, some women did not want to return to the roles of homemaker and/or mother. This may be one of the reasons that there were so many educational films made in the 1950s that encouraged young women to accept the role of homemaker and to follow etiquette of service to a husband.
However, there has never been a good answer offered to me as to what a woman that has no family at all should do. Some professionals have told me that such a woman should go work for a church, even unpaid. The question is then, how is the woman to support herself without an income or family, if she is working 40 hours per week for no pay and is ineligible for public assistance? There has been no answer to that.
Today, there are many women living alone in an American society that has become more fragmented since the 1960s. Women can earn a living and support themselves without entering domestic jobs (maid, nanny, etc.), living alone and dependent on no one else. Men can live alone and be happy dating, eating out, and sending their clothes to the cleaner, employing maid services, etc. Marriage becomes more of a choice, instead a matter of survival in today's America, although some individuals of both genders marry in order to survive or for convenience. Note how many married people say they are staying together for the sake of the children.
From the people I see, I am struck by the phenomenon that relationships are not only a matter of choice (which is good in my opinion), but even a form of entertainment (not so good) these days, rather than either 1) survival/convenience or 2) love.
I hear many people saying they married because they wanted to be with the other person. I don't think that is enough for a marriage. Some of these individuals become bored with their partners, but are also offended if another person wants their spouse, or their spouse forms a romantic relationship with someone else. This causes me to think that the marriages were more about ownership and self-importance than about a healthy relationship. This is unfortunately reinforced by TV shows in which you see two women fighting over a man or two men fighting over a woman, or rivals fighting over a gay or lesbian partner.
These days, more people have the opportunity to openly define their own marriage and partner relationships than in the past centuries. I think they need to have some agreed-upon commonalities in order for these relationships to succeed. There is a movement toward establishing the 3- or 5-year marriage contract and it will be interesting to see where it goes. Science fiction has shown us future Americas in which no marries or in which marriage is by short-term contract. Science fiction can become fact. I would prefer a life-long marriage built on love and a faith-based foundation, but other people want other things. Many of these could be successful, but I think there needs to be some sort of commonality and agreement between the partners entering marriages.
2004 Report: Rutgers University
Overcoming Abuse in A Christian Setting
- Woman Submit! (not)
...my review of the book by Jocelyn Anderson - Spiritual Abuse Recovery
Cycle of Abuse - battering can be verbal!
Resources for Preventing Abuse
Popular Opinion
Here are some other opinions of the causes of divorce in the USA:
Top 4 Opinions From eHarmony.
"Unwillingness to communicate lovingly"
To me, this means that verbal abuse is present -- It means that the partners should plan and develop their life together in a positive way. An unwillingness even to communicate in a finctional, non-abusive manner is a big red flag for serious problems, becuase many forms of abuse begin with VERBAL ABUSE.
"Unwillingness to commit"
eHarmony says this is the acceptance of the marriage vows as life-long and permanent, except in cases of infidelity and abuse. In my experience, many people can forgive infidelity and move on. However, abuse is the deal breaker. Few abusers change for the good.
"Unwillingness to compromise"
Compromise is hard. I think the couple should agree on major life components before marriage: finances, children, etc.
I knew one family in which the wife stopped using birth control without the husband's and became pregnant purposely. What resulted over the next 10 year was that horrible abuse to the younger son could no longer be concealed when he abused the younger sibling under the abuse of the mom. I had nightmares about this one.
"Unwillingness to put down weapons"
Some partners try to hurt the other partner in order to raise themselves up. This is not a marriage, but it is selfish and it is abuse. Partners need to fight fairly and move on after the fight and not dig it up again.
Opinions From Americans for Divorce Reform:
These reasons are often heard from couples, but they are not proven statistically significant as yet. There are some similarities to those gathered by eHarmony.
Money
Poor Communication
Lack of Commitment
Change in priorities
Infidelity
Failed Expectations
Addictions
Physical, sexual, emotional abuse
Lack of Conflict Resolution Skills
The relationship between a number of factors (religion, occupation, age, etc.) and discover can be found on their website at ttp://www.divorcereform.org/
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Comments About Relationships, Divorce &Abuse
Well, maybe one day you WILL be! :) Thanks so much for hte comment.
the problem is that once you divorce an enduring commitment from marriage, you wind up with what is essentially temporary marriage
and while society has come a long way, the reality is that it's easy enough for people to find themselves in a situation where they need a partner in life
social changes have certainly altered the nature of the social contract but the longer term consenquences of it may simply be a drop in the birth rate of those cultures leading to their replacement with other cultures, something that is arguably happening in europe
Without enduring commitment, I actually see what's left as only entertainment, rather than marriage. I think cultures are already replacing other cultures in America as well. I look at the public assistance reform clients with high percentages of single-parent families with VERY large numbers of children and can see such a culture already replacing the nuclear family of two parents and 1 or a few children. Add to that the 60,000+ Somalis in our city, many of whom are widows with 12 -14 children -- culture is certainly changing here. Further, in my first college anthropology course, the first comment the professor made was that no one loves anyone; but rather, humans use one another for survival. There was an uproar from half the class, but it made us think. I believe America is still like more primitive cultures in which, when resources grow scarce, babies and elderly are left to die. USA sees thousands of abortions yearly (and my city experiences many babies in trash bins every week) and there is a move not only to reduce Medicare to the elderly, but to raise retirement age further - some would like it to be 75. Some don't want to retire anyway -- So, I think increasing numbers of the elderly at least will, indeed, need a partner or some sort of small group in which to live if they cannot afford a retirement/ nursing home or all those slots become filled and they have no family. And I think many elderly couples live together without marriage to avoid cuts in social security checks.
I was under the impression that gay marriage would be a threat to the sanctity of marriage and destroy all marriages.
Hi JB, thanks for the comment. What's the best answer, do you think? Here's what I know, of my own knowledge, so far -- There is some discussion occuring in society that once gay marriage is legal, then all sorts of marriages can made legal - three people, larger groups, adults and children, etc. I don't know if that is the case, because I don't know enough law covering the subject. >>> Now, while my own belief is that marriage is between one man and one woman, I won't heap condemnation on others, but feel prayer for the good of all persons is best. It does seem, at times, that traditional marriage and family of two-perents-and-children is under attack or declining, though. Single parent families are numerous. What do you think? Best blessings and peace to you...
My previous post was facetious. No, I don't think gay marriage is the cause of the "attack on traditional marriage" - traditional marriage is eroding because fewer and fewer people are taking it seriously, or they're thinking of it as a temporary contract that you can easily get out of. I'm not sure how people taking marriage so seriously that they are fighting to have the right to have it, as gays & lesbians are doing now, is doing anything but STRENGTHENING marriage, but as usual, religious zealotry has done so much harm in the name of good and continues to do so. Blaming gays/lesbians for marriage breakdown as so many are willing to do is just an excuse for homophobia, and to not deal with the problem head on. Telllingly, none of these "marriage advocates" ever seem to advocate banning divorce. Why? They are selfish and want to leave that option for themselves should their own marriage go sour.
Two of my friends who are from Korea have told me that divorce was/may still be illegal in the past there. I'll need to look up that info and see what the penalty was/is if it was truly illegal. I certainly agree with you, JB, about increasing numbers of people not taking marriage seriously.
I have found out that the divorce rate in South Korea has rapidly increased. Divorces are very inexpensive, but judges have imposed a waiting period before filfin for divorce is possible, They say too many couples get into fights over the weekend and come to court on Monday mornings. In June, 2006, South Korea's divorce rate was 3rd highest in the world. http://www.womenofchina.cn/focus/marriage_and_fami
"...the main reason is disagreements between the mother-in-law and wife."
yah this happen to me to. I got divorced and i am still drinking.
How sad for you Natasha Bassett. My best thoughts and wishes go to you for a happier life in the very near future!
would like to have a chat if you have the brass
Thanks for the comment; I'm not sure what it means, however. Best regards.
Patty, This is a GREAT Hub!!
I am new to the Hub Scene and when I get a spare moment I love roaming around to areas of interest!!
I imagine there is a chart somewhere that plots the decline of long-term marriages and, 1) changes in the definition of a successful marriage besides just length of term; 2) the shift in society to admiring "individual" accomplishment over "team" accomplishment; 3) more focus on being an "I" than a "we;" 4) women being able to provide for themselves and their children; 5) an evidence and abundance of happy single men and women!!
I think we live in an amazing time where we are free to create unions based upon free choice, spiritual sensibilities and less dependency! Blessings, Earth Angel!!
Earth Angel, you certainly have insight in listing those 5 items! In the 1990s, there was evidence (outdated now) that the healthiest people in America were, in this order for all ages 18 and above and all races:
Single Women
Married Men
Single Men
Married Women
I'm sure this is somewhat changed since single women make up the majority of the population over 85 years old and a lot of those 60 - 85. Lots of ailments.
cool site - another major cause of divorce is money issues...
We got together with 9 other experts to talk about the issues around money and relationships. We talked about 'How to talk about money... how to manage it... and how to make it.'
http://hubpages.com/hub/Rich-RelationshipsRelation are challenging.You probably already know that some of the loudest, angriest, scariest, and most emotional arguments in relationships are related to money problems. Find the solution to this problem
check out the hub... http://hubpages.com/hub/Rich-Relationships
Thanks webber, but the hub does not come up.
Financial arguments and financial abuse are deathly to any relationship. I was engaged once to a gentleman that wanted my paychecks to go into a bank existing only several hundred miles away and, of course, I would not have access to it. I went as far away from him as possible!
Patty! As always a very great HUB! I've been a divorcee and single parent for most of my life, yet I'm still hunting for answers of how to have changed him, away from his abusive ways. I've accepted long ago that, to end our marriage was the right and safe thing to do, for my children and myself, yet in some weak moments I still wonder what if... Your article is very insightful and true. Even though or maybe in spite of a bad marriage, I still believe that marriage has to be one man one woman...Any other is a farce of sanctity etc. I have worked and am functioning as a single person and parent (I just recently had my 25th anniversary of singlehood, it was a great party,but that's another story) sorry sidetracked...Most people who are single by choice or not "are okay to live by themselves". However seing that ancient couple, where he has a hard enough time to walk on his own, and still he get's to her side of the car where he helps her out, then to see them walk hand in hand to share a coffee and a muffin at the mall is heartwrenching; I bet that deep down 99% of us "singles" envy some of that togetherness, the marriage, the 'love'(or whatever it wants to be called) that's survived no matter how wrinkled the partner has become... Unfortunately, divorce fever has taken over, it almost seems like a fashion statement now-a-days. It's maybe odd coming from me, being a divorcee myself, but unless there is actual abuse (of any kind) maybe couples should try with more tollerance for each other...He squeezes the toothpaste in the middle just shouldn't be a good enough reason to divorce...(my opinion)
Again Patty this is a very great article that has probably ignited many thoughts and debates
regards Zsuzsy
Tahnks for leaving so much input, Zsuzsy. It is a lot to consider. As some people have said, there is also a lack of commitment - too easy to get married and sometimes too easy to get divorced.
IMO, I think Britney Spears started going downhill when her relationship with Justin Timberlake soured, and she has never recovered. I also think that some folks don;t care who they are with, just as long as it is somebody - anybody.
Thanks for the advice and link. Someone might need it.
Great Hub, Patty... I just have this bad feeling that divorce is always going to become more common than really trying to work something out, whether it be through a therapist or a counselor. I tried for over a year to reconcile with my wife and she eventually just walked out on me. As is turns out, you just can't change a person. She had imagined a higher class, richer life for herself and I was not giving it to her quick enough (and I was only 28). She had me fooled for the longest time, but I found out the hard way that money was more important to her than our marriage. I won't be making that mistake again!
Thanks for laying out your experience mens-divorce. Too many men and women don't understand marriage and go for the material or just security. It is one reason that so many remain single.
I think that people should take more care in selecting partners, just even looking at celebrity marriages it is quite obvious a lot of them are a product of lust and ego. Of course something based on those emotions is going to break down!
Insightful comment, Vanessa!
Marriage and partnership are much more than "let's be together" although a lot of people seem sadly to think it is only that.
All the things you said make sense, although I sense you diverged a bit from the beginning of the hub where you made a comparison between America and Japan. You stated the hypothesis that maybe the rates will be equal in 2010. I don't think they will, because in Japan, industrialized as it is, there's still a very strong sense of the passive role of the woman in the relationship (aka housewife). Girls of young age are still being educated for one aim: to look pretty so that they can find a good man with a nice job that can provide for her. Times are changing, but its gonna take way more then two years.
Not from what statistics and missionary friends' reports in Japan have been telling me for the past 5 years --
18-to-30 year old women particularly are often refusing to marry in the cities and this began in the mid 1980s. Many others are divorcing or being divorced one or multiple times. International business is taking women to Indonesia, China, South Korea, Malasia, USA, Australia and other countries.
I will look up the most recent stats and post them here.
WELL,
Japan Divorces - 3 per 1000 population
USA Divorces - 4 per 1000 population
That's already PRETTY CLOSE in 2008.
No-fault divorce is on the rise in Japan, making it easier.
Thanks.
Quote from a 26-year-old Japanese woman office worker in the 2000s:
"I don't do any housekeeping, my parents do everything. On the one hand I don't think this is what an adult should do, on the other hand I don'tthink I have to change."
Typical? I don't know.
But the two lines on the pictured graph are very close in 2008.
Thanks.
Data sources for above: Jap. Min. of HW and phone calls.
Quote from a 26-year-old Japanese woman office worker in the 2007: "I don't do any housekeeping, my parents do everything. On the one hand I don't think this is what an adult should do, on the other hand I don'tthink I have to change." Typical? I don't know. But the two lines on the pictured graph are close in 2008. I think they will meet within 5 years or less at this point. Depends on what the next US presidential administration does - ?reward folks for divorcing and living together by providing relatively high welfare payments to the divorced mom and kids and the dad stays in the home? This happened a lot in the 1990s. Maybe BOTH divorce rates will rise.Thanks.
Thank you for your effort and hard work. Love your hub, a lot of interesting contact.
barryrutherford says:
2 years ago
Great blog. Pitty im not married I could put your advice to good use...