You'd be surprised about the number of people who find difficulty building lasting friendship. And I mean genuine friendship. There are probably millions of friendless people in the world who are surrounded by their "friends." They float around making alliances here and there, now and then, but never building anything solid. And they think they have lots of friends.

Well, some people do have lots of friends, and yet feel alone. They manage to gather people around them they call friends (I think "minions" is more apt), but which are mostly grouped into either of these two categories: those who relate for gains, and those who relate due to fear. Does the friendship last? Often, yes, as long as the motivations are there--gains and fear.

For Gains

Those who relate for gains stick around you for as long as they need your material possessions or influence. They're ready to side with you when you're in trouble, and they're ready to listen, too. They'll even fight for you. Because you have what they want or need. It's like how most employees would be "friends" with their bosses, or some parents would with their kids' teachers.

In my counseling practice for decades, I've seen people who were shocked at being abandoned by their "friends." They've developed trust in them, because they have tested them to be reliable even when times had been tough. But why all of sudden these same people seemed to have turned against them, if not turned cold? I told them, because the motivating factors were now gone.

One young woman who had been boss of her "friends" at the office wondered why they were not getting in touch with her now that they were working for another company. Simple, I said, because they have a different boss-friend now.

I don't want to give the impression that all employees or parents maintain friendships only for gain. But there are those who do. One parent who no longer has any kid in the school where her kids' former teacher works no longer bothers to maintain friendship with that teacher.

For Fear

Some people will stick around you as "friends" because they fear losing your support for them. If you're someone with clout or influence, and you're their protection, they're going to be your "friends" while they see you as their guardian. Or as long as you have what gives them a sense of importance.

There was a battered wife who always sought her friend when her husband beat her up. Let's call her friend Mercy. After a while, when she and her husband had made up with each other, the wife would forget about her "friendship" with Mercy for a while. So her friendship with Mercy was an off and on thing. Did the friendship last? Oh yeah! It's still going on. And it will continue--as long as the wife needs Mercy as a fall-back. The wife fears losing Mercy for good because she would have no one to turn to when her husband is on a beating spree again.

Some people talk to you only when they need someone who'd listen to them--especially when the going has been tough for them. Have you ever been in that friendship? After a while, they treat you as a nobody (if not trash) when things get smooth sailing again, and they are enjoying life. People at the receiving end of other people's woes are what I call Trash Bins. I was (and still am) a trash bin.

A Sharp Eye for Genuine Friendship

Many people cannot identify true friends. They think anyone nice who comes along and stays a long while with them in life or becomes an ally is a genuine friend. This is often the source of frustration and hurts in relationships. Genuine friendship is like looking for genuine jewelry. You have to have an eye for it. A trained eye. After finding genuine friendship, we should know how to make genuine friendship last.

So, who is a genuine friend?

I would use Jesus' principle. Jesus laid down his life for his friends. Thus, he is a genuine friend. He has no self-interest when he befriends you. He befriends you because he loves you. Period. Hence, at the center of genuine friendship is love for fellowmen.

You Do the Loving FIrst

God loved us first. So we can be sure that God is a genuine friend. If you want genuine friends, do the loving first. It takes risks, but it's the only way we can develop a good eye for genuine friendship. It's a vital step in how to make genuine friendship last.

Do not be choosy about people you welcome into your life. Welcome all. But sift people you'd consider your genuine friends. To be sure, not all of them will be. Even Jesus was crucified by people who had welcomed him as "friend" earlier, when he was providing them their needs and wants.

As you welcome people, genuinely love them. The key is love for fellowmen. As you love them, watch their reaction. Will they in turn love you freely? Or will they see your usefulness to them? If others try to use you, love them still, but apply wisdom. Jesus said, be wise as serpents yet innocent like doves.

If you genuinely love your fellowmen--with wisdom--you'll not hurt so much once friendship degrades to betrayal or abandonment. Your peace will return to you. But if it hurts you so much that it affects you terribly and bitterly, it only means the friendship you gave was itself not genuine. It was selfish. Only genuine love for fellowmen can create genuine friendship. It's a vital point on how to make genuine friendship last.

Life for Life

True friends love you with their lives. Once they see your genuine friendship, they readily reciprocate that, life for life. In their experience giving out love with wisdom to all, they learn to distinguish those who really care from those who merely take advantage. They develop a good eye for genuine friendship, and they invest with their lives once they see one. They still love those who merely take advantage, and consider them friends, but investments are placed only on friendships with potential for genuineness.

Like how Jesus maintained friendship with Judas--but with caution. The book of Proverbs says the righteous are cautious in friendship. The other disciples did abandon Jesus in his time of need, yet, there can be no denying that these men gave their lives to him wholly. They had left everything to be his genuine friends to the end. They were true friends, though yet immature. Judas was there only for the money.

How to Make Genuine Friendship Last

When you have spotted genuine friendship, invest on it and make it grow. Then make it last. How do you make it grow? The same way you make life grow--by love. God makes life grow, and God is love. So, we make genuine friendship grow through love--unselfish love. And that love makes it last. Paul told the Corinthians that in the end, only faith, hope, and love remain. And the greatest of these is love. You want to make something last? Love it unselfishly.

In my counseling experience, when people learn and apply the key to genuine friendship, they easily make friends, especially genuine friends, and come out of all the complexities of friendship unfazed.