When people are bound and determined to engage in an affair some interesting phenomena occur. In cases where they see nothing wrong with adultery, the act is seen ‘normal’. In cases where they know what they are doing is wrong, problems begin developing. Whether their value system is based on the Bible, Torah, Koran or other teachings, many societies view the act of adultery as against their moral code. With affairs, the decision to have an affair takes place in their head prior to the affair occurring. Knowing that the affair is ‘unacceptable’ behavior, they often begin making mental preparations prior to the affair. The mental decision to have an affair occurs in their head prior to them having the affair.

When people engage in behavior that violates the moral teachings they have incorporated, they experience discomfort. When affairs are kept secret in whole or part, then there is some discomfort with the activity they are taking part in. In some cases it is a form of guilt, in others there is a phenomena known as ‘cognitive dissonance’ they find themselves struggling with. In an effort to bring internal peace or ‘cognitive congruence’ they will often engage in various rationalizations to justify their actions.

Some of the common rationalizations for affairs include:

1. But I ‘love’ the person I am having the affair with.
2. The religious teachings are “out of date” and meant for a different time.
3. God does not want me to be unhappy.
4. I can’t help myself.
5. If my spouse loved me, this would not have happened.
6. God will understand.
7. It’s the new me. It’s my life, I am going to live it however I want to.
8. I needed some excitement or passion in my life.
9. My religious teachings say an affair is acceptable in my situation.
10. Anyone would have had an affair in my situation. I am only human.

Whichever of the rationalizations are used, they amount to ‘making excuses’ for the adulterous behavior. Although the romantic notions of ‘true love’ add a sense of excitement and drama to the situation, they remain a rationalization used to excuse immoral behavior. Such rationalizations are used to balance out guilt with how much they ‘deserve’ the affair. As ironic as it may be, the potential adulterer often endures many conflicts in their world in order to avoid other conflicts within themselves.

Cognitive dissonance is the psychological phenomenon describing the sensation of discomfort felt when there is a discrepancy between what you already know or believe, and new information or interpretation.When such tensions arise, steps are taken to decrease that tension either by chaning the situation or changing one's thinking.

Congnitive Dissonance is an important concept in understanding how people think and why they change their minds about things.

A saying attributed to Mark Twain sums it up:"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so."