Making your wishes known without nagging

If you have ever been in a long term Relationship, you know one fact if nothing else. Man and Woman are as different in their way of acting and behaving as night and day. If one of the biggest turn offs in a man is his selective hearing, then nagging has to be ones in a woman.

I can already hear the female Readership telling me that I have no Idea what I am talking about and that if our guys would do what we asked them to the first time, we wouldn't have to nag. On the other hand, the masculine Readership is nodding their heads and agreeing. We females are horrible nags.

Being a female and being in a long term relationship with a very dominating man, I have to agree to both points. If a man doesn't want to hear something, he won't and if we don't get our way when we want it and how we want it then we nag.

So how do we bring the two together that everyone gets what they want at least most of the time.

Make requests instead of demands.

It is all the same right? Not so, the major difference is that requests are made out of a spirit of humility with giving the other person the option to reject the request. Plus you may make a request one, but then you need to let it go. After that it is your Partners choice if he or she wishes to grant you the request and do as you asked. Be aware that there will be times that you may not receive what you have asked for, but I have found that if you asked in a non demanding manner, my Partner is more open to considering and eventually granting my wishes.

It is in the wording!

Let us use an example of getting something around the house fixed. This seems to be one of those things that creep up in every relationship and are for some reason a major problem. How often has the wife requested to have an electrical device fixed and the husband has pushed it out and out? The result, the wife nags and ends up putting her husbands down. Which results in a very nasty relationship dynamic.

The Conversation would probably go something like this:

Wi: ";The Dish Disposal is broken again!"; (She is making a generalized statement)

Hu: ";Ahem."; (He is hears her, what does that have to do with him.)

Wi: ";It needs to be fixed."; (She is asking him to fix it, so she thinks.)

Hu: ";I guess so."; (He agrees, wondering why she states the obvious)

Wi: ";Well are you going to fix it?"; (Almost snapped at this point, out of patience)

Hu: ";When I get around to it."; (Coolly, he has no idea why he just got snapped at.)

At this point, he is already put out but is probably planning to fix it sooner or later. Right now he is in no hurry to give her what she wants, she can just wait a minute. When anyone gets snapped at or put on the spot, they tend to respond standoffish. Fixing it when he gets around to it, is what he agreed to. That can mean anytime from now to 1 Year from now. He never told her, that he would fix it right there and then. That is however what his wife understood, expected and even demanded. She only knows that the device is broken and she wants it fixed before the next time she wants to use it. Normally at this point, a day will go by and nothing has happened. Truthfully, he has already forgotten all about it. She on the other hand is on the warpath, thinking that he never does anything she needs etc. That day the converstation will probably sound something like this:

Wi: ";You still haven't fixed the Disposal yet!"; (Wife irritated and somewhat aggressive)

Hu: ";I was busy."; (Sounding most likely like a child caught doing something wrong)

Wi: ";You are always busy when I asked you to do something for me."; (In that tone of voice that puts all of us on edge. You know that half whinny, half waspish tone)

We won't even have to go further here, at this point the husband will either slam down whatever he has in his hand and fix the Disposal cussing under his breath the entire time and wishing her to hell or he will tune her out wishing for the millionest time that he was anywhere but here.

She will either get her way and gloat about her victory, why couldn't he have just done it when she TOLD him, or will bitch for the next hour about all the things she wanted and never got. Which will end up with her calling a plumber and then berate her husband afterwards and make him feel stupid and useless or like he is her son instead of husband and lover (very emasculating). There is no incentive here to ever do anything for her.

On the other hand the conversation, could go something like this:

W: ";Honey, could you please help me when you get a second?"; (letting him know she needs him to help her, but that she is willing to wait)

H: ";What is wrong."; (Responds kindly since she was nice about it, willing to listen)

W: ";The Dish Disposal is broken and you are good with this. Would you take a look at it and see if you can fix it for me please, or would you prefer I call a Plumper if you are too busy?";

At this point she has stated everything there is to say and she has given her husband a choice to fix it for her (rescue her from a problem which she believes him to be able to fix for her, he is her hero) or tell her to call a plumber to have it fixed (she doesn't make him feel as if his time and persueds are not valuable).

Which one would you respond to?

Don't forget to be appreciative!

We are all very good at nagging and demaning, but when it comes to showing our appreciation for a service rendered or a favor done, we seem to be a bit lacking. The next time your Spouse does something you have requested or better yet done for you without even being asked, make sure you show your appreciation. That can be as simple as a ";thank you, what would I do without you"; (big smooch) or a gift of a special service that you may be able to render for your spouse (use your imagination).

Don't make your spouse feel as if they are too stupid to handle it.

If you feel the need to give your spouse step by step instructions on something they have done a million times before and probably better then you do, perhaps you should consider doing it yourself. Not only is such a behavior rude, but also demeaning. With other words, don't make your spouse feel stupid.

Say it with a smile!

I don't know about you, but a smile and a ";please"; go a long way for me. If I am asked to do something and the person is polite about the request, I will go out of my way to try to accomplish it. Where as if I am put down before I have ever started, you can forget it from the start.

Take ";No"; for an answer, without the attitude.

There are times when your spouse can not fill your request and you should not make him or her feel like a Monster for saying ";No";. Instead accept the decision graciously and find an alternative or let it go if it was not that important.

Remember, that every Relationship has its ups and downs and that you can not always get what you ask for. You can make your Relationship a lot more pleasant if you know how to treat each other with loving respect.