Imagine for a moment that relationships are like travel destinations and that you have to spend a fair amount of time in airport limbo between one and the next. Between these adventures, we routinely find ourselves lugging our baggage off the carousel of past hurts and carrying its accumulated bulk into the trip to potential happily ever after.

Although both genders bring satchels, trunks and valises of previous trials to any new relationship, men are less likely to have retrospectively organised the heavier contents of their luggage and instead adopt an "it will sort itself out" approach.

Like most men, I've arrived on the doorstep of a new relationship with more baggage than a Louis Vuitton catalogue, leaving the poor woman concerned with the task of having to fit it into her already cramped life. Plying my mates with alcohol and anonymity, I whittled down the prime pieces of man luggage then discovered how best to store them where they belong - in the past.

After splitting with my wife of four years, I was an emotional mess. She'd called time on the union, used the phrase "I just don't love you anymore" and decided counselling was not an option. Marinated in rejection, my tear ducts worked on a hair trigger and almost everything I saw - couples holding hands, a DVD of a film we hated - reminded me of her. Six weeks after becoming single, I ran into the woman who'd subsequently become my wife. We'd met a decade earlier when I had unsuccessfully tried to woo her. The attraction was once again instant and I was torn. Was I cheating on my ex by even thinking about getting into another relationship? Was I merely craving a warm body beside mine when I fell asleep? If one woman didn't want to spend forever with me, why would another?

All these hypothetical boiled down to one thing: I lied about how long I'd been single. In fact, I doubled it to three months on the suspicion that if she knew the truth, she would have bolted quicker than you could say "rebound". My behaviour however - mood swings, getting misty for no reason, jumping every time my mobile rang - didn't match my story. She called me on it and the truth emerged. Fortunately for me, we'd managed to establish a base on which a relationship could, and has, been built. That said there was many an occasion where she was more counsellor than partner, which was an unfair situation to put someone you're just getting involved with in.

One of the primary pieces of baggage divorced men bring to a relationship is an anxiety about sex, as this is one of the first signs of a failing marriage. Instead of the joyful experience of getting to know one another physically, the new partner often finds herself having to guide this man through a host of anxieties about his attractiveness, especially if he didn't call off the marriage. On top of this, there is often also a great amount of guilt exhibited on the part of divorced men, and their new partners find themselves having to point out that these guys are entitled to both happiness in life and a rewarding relationship.

David is divorced and has two kids under eight. He is under no illusions that being a father has placed a strain on his subsequent relationships. "It's been difficult for the women I've dated since our split," he says. "They're not just dating me, and because of my custody arrangement any woman I've been seeing has either had to forego being with me on the weekends or share me with my girls, which is a pretty big thing to ask in a new relationship. Add to this the fact that my primary loyalty will always be to my children and the woman concerned begins to feel like a second-class citizen, which I then overcompensate for during the week. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the `pull me in then push me away' speech."

Children are a notoriously tricky area. Men in this predicament can become almost too pandering or considerate to their kids, especially if they're under seven or eight, leaving the woman they're dating on the outer. This is where clear boundaries need to be negotiated. You're entitled to be treated in a certain way and if he can't oblige this balance, perhaps he's not ready for a new relationship. It's also important that the man be willing to introduce the new partner to his kids, even just as a friend. This will help counteract the tendency of some children to go out of their way to sabotage the new relationship.

"Even though my ex and I were only together for six months, her affair decimated me," says John. "I'd never been in this sort of situation before and felt overwhelmed by betrayal and rejection. My self-esteem was shattered, as was my trust in others. Looking back, there were signs all was not well but I was totally unprepared for how this would affect my future relationships. Whenever I met a prospective partner, my first thought was, 'Could I see her cheating on me?' I couldn't break away from this defence mechanism but I knew it was hampering my chances at future happiness. I found myself second-guessing honest women and even though I never accused them of lying to me, most could sense what I was feeling and were justifiably insulted. Even when they knew why I felt that way, many had gone through similar experiences and come out OK. After a few months it was invariably ultimatum time: Either I stopped this childish behaviour or it was over. In many cases, it was the second option as this wound has been incredibly slow to heal."

It's not unusual for people to carry a sense of betrayal into subsequent relationships. They fear history will repeat itself and it's often what people fear that they manifest. This means some men who have been cheated on behave in a way that subsequent women end up cheating on them, leading to a snowball of suspicion. Instead of becoming obsessive and needy, they need to resolve this situation by examining the cause of the situation rather than dwelling on its effects. It's not up to a new partner to be a counsellor. This alters the dynamic of a partnership to that of carer and victim, which is not healthy. There is an imbalance of power that needs to be addressed through networks outside of the relationship.

"In my entire adult life," says Andrew, "I've been single for all of six months. I don't know if it's loneliness that underlines this but my relationships don't suffer as a result, as most last at least a few years. When I'm with someone, I'm a better, kinder person. There have been times where I haven't fully healed before embarking on a new tryst but life is too short to be scared of commitment and the risk is worth it. I don't hide my relationship history from those I date but it has caused some strain along the way, which confuses me because I thought women want guys who like being in committed long-term relationships."

What we are dealing with here are people who often avoid their most confronting emotions, such as anger and humiliation. They deny themselves a grieving process that their new partner witnesses in the midst of the euphoria of a burgeoning relationship. It's a contradictory message that has some women doubting their own self-worth. This is a double unfairness and one that women need to be aware of. It's also something that many men have dealt with through counselling and in so doing have saved their current relationship.

"When I got together with Janine," says Jeffery, "her career was skyrocketing whereas mine was at a plateau. She earned way more than I did and picked up the tab for dinners, holidays and so on. At first, I tried to be logical about it. Then I tried to convince myself that as a modern man, I should have no problem with it. Yet underneath it all, I felt like I wasn't living up to her expectations and that she deserved someone better. Revealing my fears to her was out of the question as it'd make me more of a whimpering, insecure failure in her eyes, so the situation festered. I grew snappier and more withdrawn, I resented her spoiling me and by the end she felt she couldn't enjoy the life she'd worked so hard for. She eventually dumped me for someone who was more fun to be around."

There are still a lot of men out there threatened by a woman who earns more than they do. This goes back to outdated stereotypes of a guy's primary role as being that of provider. When this is removed, one of his primary sources of self-esteem can disappear with it. Obviously, this doesn't apply to everyone but there are a significant number of men who struggle with it. Solution; Let him pay half of everything for the first few months and also allow him to pick up the odd tab. Over time, equilibrium can be established whereby he will see that support, affection and little gestures like picking up the other person's dry cleaning can outweigh the currency that money brings to a relationship. It's all about expanding the role he sees for himself to more than just the money man.