My marriage problems began before I married. And as I reflect back on it, I am left wondering how my marriage problems fit into the typical pattern of problems that psychologists and marriage counselors like to list, problems like a breakdown in communication, financial problems, conflict of life goals, sexual incompatibility, and religious preferences. These are probably not the only factors contributing to marriage problems, but they provide a start for exploring marriage problems. Many marriage counselors never tire of touting poor communication as the number one factor contributing to marriage problems. The stereotypic picture is of the male glued to multiple channels broadcasting the super bowl while he reclines in his easy chair surrounded by beer and pizza. His wife is trying to tell him about the fall his youngest daughter incurred the day before, but the man does not acknowledge his wife’s entreaties. From his outward signs, he apparently does not hear her. Later that week, the wife is putting on her makeup and the husband is trying to tell her that the car she will take to work is low on fuel and she will need to fill up to avoid running out of gas and being trapped on the bridge. At bottom, there may be a question of honesty. Suppose the man cannot tolerate his mother-in- law, but he puts up with her criticism to keep peace in the family. She lives with them and she is the hen that rules the roost. Instead of revealing his true feelings to his wife, the man represses his anger only to have it explode at Thanksgiving dinner.

The number of marriage problems is too lengthy to list in any inclusive fashion. Sexual problems are basic relationship problems. For example, it could be the case that the woman wants the dominant position in sex, but this need for dominance makes the man feel threatened in terms of the traditional power deferential. The husband wants to try certain sexual positions, but the woman has been brought up to believe this behavior is beneath a lady. As time goes on, how will they resolve these issues? They voice their preferences, but do not share their feelings and fears. Will they completely withdraw from intimacy or will they go the other direction and engage in energetic sexual activities? What about financial issues? Are they drinking champagne on a beer budget?  Do they keep a budget? Does he fantasize about Mercedes Benzes and she about Henredon furniture? And what about emergencies? A sudden medical emergency. If they are living pay check to paycheck how will they handle such emergencies? Will they take out a loan? At what interest rate? What about insurance? What kind of insurance do they consider important? Life insurance, health insurance? Home owners or apartment insurance, flood insurance? How much can they save? Of course, if one is a miser and the other a spendthrift, then we have a basic conflict throughout. But matters may not break down that evenly. They may be inconsistent in their choices, but the number of marriage problems brought out by these difficulties will only increase in number.

It is a constant adage to avoid discussion of religion or politics if you want to keep the peace in the family, but for a husband and wife, this is virtually impossible. Do they go to church? Where? Do they pray? Do they vote? How do they justify the morality of their religious or political thought? Do they lean toward a strict father morality or a nurturing ethic? Should they discuss their beliefs? If they don’t give one another some room on these matters, they will set themselves up for resentment and failure. So what can I mean when I say my marriage became a problem before I married? I mean the seeds of failure were planted before marriage and became the foundation of my marriage. I can still see Irene standing on the balcony, threatening to jump. You promised she shouted. You promised to marry me. When I had said no she cried all night and now as morning approached, Irene was poised to jump. But it was not a certain death she entertained. She would have leapt from a second-story balcony in the French Quarter of New Orleans. She could have incurred broken bones, sprains, perhaps a concussion. But she did not experience anything that night for I compromised. OK I said, we can marry but it has to be a civil marriage. I don’t want to complicate things with religion. So we both took some sick days from work and drove to Alabama, looking for a justice of the peace who would provide us with a quickie but legal marriage. Iren’s suicide threat was repeated again and again anytime I even looked like I wanted out. She would be sprawled on the floor with pills around her (vitamin pills). So we need to add to the list above to include manipulation through suicide threats. This can certainly become one of many marriage problems.