Married women who cheat

Researchers in the 20^th century consistently found that more men had affairs than women. The numbers often vary depending on which study is being looked at. As society and culture have changed, so have the numbers of married people having affairs. Although people want statistics concerning how prevalent the behavior is, the studies on infidelity do not have consistent numbers. The numbers in such studies range from 15% up to 50% of married women admitting to having affairs. The wide variation numbers reported in such studies make it difficult to obtain a clear understanding of the issue.

What is clear is that we do not know how many wives cheat. The studies also make it clear that what is defined as an “affair” is also hard to define. The definition of affair runs from virtual affairs to coitus. The definition of an affair varies depending on the researcher and on the participants in the studies. With 1200 participants, there are often many variations in terms of how they define an affair.

The statistics on affairs, like the statistics on many sensitive topics have to be viewed with caution. When the information shared with researchers may embarrass or endanger those involved, there is a possibility that people will lie, hide or distort the information presented. What I often tell clients is that the marriage they need to be concerned about is theirs. The numbers are not consistent and are often interpreted depending on the biases of researchers. When someone wants to present an argument that ‘everyone is doing it’, elevated numbers are presented and a loose definition of an affair is used. When someone wants to downplay the numbers, they choose a ‘tighter’ definition of ‘infidelity’ and smaller numbers.

It is known that some married women have affairs. Being married does not make one immune to an affair. Wearing a wedding ring does not mean that some one will leave that person alone and not make passes at them.

There are many reasons given for the affairs to occur. The reasons given vary from person to person. With the many reasons given, there is not one standard explanation for the affairs.

Some of the reasons that I have encountered include:

1. Emotional needs were not being met at home.
2. Sexual Addiction
3. The husband forced her to have an affair
4. She was attracted to the lover
5. She was lonely
6. The husband was having an affair
7. She was drunk/stoned
8. She was unable to say no
9. It was something new and exciting
10. She saw nothing wrong with having an affair
11. I thought it was part of the my job
12. Flirting got out of hand
13. It was the only way to get my husband’s attention
14. I needed to feel attractive
15. It’s genetic, affair run in my family

These are a few of the many reasons given for having an affair. There are many other reasons as well. In many of these cases, those involved often had a reason for their actions. It was often easier for an outsider to pass judgment on their acts or reasons than it was for an honest effort at understanding what happened and how it related to their needs.

Although the human mind often wants simple answers to affairs, they are not always apparent. Trying to understand what occurred takes effort. Some husbands only want to know which donkey to pin the tail of blame on. Understanding the motives for a wife’s affair involves more than merely identifying where to put the blame.

If you are faced with recovery from an affair, either as the wife or the husband, it is important that you accept your spouse. What was done is not acceptable, but they are acceptable. This will require separating who they are from what they do. You will need to separate the person from their performance. Recovery from an affair presents challenges, yet it is not the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. An affair does not automatically mean that the marriage is over. It does mean that the marriage needs some help. There are many resources designed to help couples recover from affairs. Using those resources along with counselors who want to see your relationship recover will be important. It is important for those seeking help to decide if they are seeking help to repair the relationship or make the ending of it more amenable. Confusing the two often makes marriage counseling chaotic and confusing.

Two of the more dangerous practices often associated with affairs are 'polarized thinking' and 'catastrophizing'. Each of these practices create dissension and increase the alienation present in the relationship.

In 'polarized thinking', the affair is looked at as 'all good' or in most cases 'all bad'. The danger is that the affair is not only seen as bad, but also the person and many aspects about them. Such extreme thinking makes reconciliation and recovery difficult if not impossible. Such thinking may reinforce one parties control, but does little to create an atmosphere of unity between the spouses.

When a spouse views the affair as 'catastrophic' either to the marriage or their world, there is an increased danger of revenge or paybacks. Revenge and paybacks either toward the spouse or their lover often have tragic endings and do little to improve the marriage. If recovery from an affair is what is desired, it will be important to recognize that the affair is neither the end of the world or the end of the marriage.