My Wedding Vows to You, My Future Wife.

My Wedding Vows to You, My Future Wife.

(Read by Future Husband)

I promise to always love you.

(Because you wrote these Vows for me and said that I have to read exactly what it says or I die a horrible and painful death.)

I will tell you the truth about what I do.

(Even when I wipe my hands on the towel in the bathroom that I'm not supposed to touch. I keep forgetting which one that is.)

I won't cheat on you.

(Unless you let me use my Golden Ticket.)

I'll make enough money to support us and live comfortably so you'll never have to work.

(Like I had a choice...)

I will consult you on important matters in the household.

(Ie: Everything.)

I'll bring you flowers and surprises from time to time for no reason.

(Otherwise, people like Oprah will tell you that I'm not good enough.)

I won't take you for granted; I'll remember why I love you everyday.

(Because you feed me.)

I promise to make love to you whenever you want me to and take you to new levels of Ecstasy.

(When I'm not tired from working for you all day, GAWDAMN!)

I'll show you affection no matter who is around and never be ashamed to say you're my lady.

(It means nothing when I shove your head down in the car as we drive by the mall.)

I will try to stay in shape and not let myself go.

(I'll make you go. To the store, to the pharmacy...)

If I make myself a sandwich, I'll make you one too.

(Only it will be a quarter of the size, like normal people eat.)

I'll try to put my socks and boxers in the hamper.

(What's a Hamper?)

I'll kiss you on the forehead everyday before work even if you're still sleeping.

(I'd rather slap you with a Mushroom Print but I'll avoid the urge.)

When I get home from work, I'll still kiss you hello.

(Where's my Dinner?)

I will still take you out on dates, even if we've been together for 15 years.

(Although the longer I'm with you... the less money I seem to have... You can still Biggie Size it.)

I will respect what you do and how important it is.

(Yes, I'm also excited about the new Curtains in the Living Room...What the fuck is a Valance?)

I'll never let the flame die.

(I re-light the flame in the shower almost everyday anyway.)

I won't go to bed angry.

(I'll dream of fucking your sister first, then I'll feel much better and fall right to sleep.)

You will be my Queen and My Princess and I will never call you out of your name.

(Unless you're acting like a fucking cunt.)

I do!

(Please add your Vows here too! Join the fun!)