Marrying After a Long Relationship - a good idea??
69Some years ago after the breakup of my first marriage, I attended several "singles" functions. I was surprised at the number of people I met who had lived happily with someone for years, then got married - and shortly afterwards split up.
Many of them blamed the marriage for triggering their separation.
I came to the conclusion they were wrong. It wasn't the marriage that caused the split. It was the split that caused the marriage!
What I mean is this. If a couple has been happily living together for many years, marriage obviously isn't important to them. So if they suddenly start thinking about getting hitched, something has already changed in the relationship.
If you're in a long relationship and the question of marriage has suddenly cropped up, it’s important to ask yourself why. How do you (or your partner) think being legally married will enhance your relationship?
Of course, sometimes it's just that the couple want to start a family, and that makes absolute sense. But if that's not your reason, what is?
A common reason for wanting to get married is security. Marriage binds a couple together legally so it's theoretically harder to break them apart. But if neither of you has been concerned about security before, why has it become an issue now?
If one of you feels the need of a wedding ring to feel secure, it means they are feeling insecure. That suggests they feel the relationship is already rocky.That could be because they are feeling discontented themselves, or because they fear you might walk out. Either way, you need to address the issues before you contemplate making things even more permanent.
If marriage is a last-ditch attempt to bind the relationship together and prevent it falling apart, it isn't going to work. It's certainly no substitute for identifying and addressing the problems. And in fact, if marriage makes the other partner start to feel trapped, it may even accelerate the breakup.
People who are married do a similar thing, only with worse consequences - when the marriage gets shaky, they have a baby!
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All text copyright Marisa Wright.
Photo credits (all on Flickr): Wedding car photo thanks to Chicago Geek, cake photo by Fairose, Kiss photo courtesy of WTL photos.
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Comments
Lissie
Before meeting my new husband, I was in a long-term relationship with someone else. At the time, I thought like you - I didn't feel getting married would do anything for the relationship - and besides, if we split up, I wouldn't have all the hassle of a divorce.
In fact, I found that (at least in Australia) "divorcing" a long-term partner is harder than divorcing a husband!
That's because dissolving a marriage is handled by the Family Court and is just a question of filling out a few standard forms. But to dissolve a live-in relationship there are no standard forms - you have to go to the Supreme Court and get two lawyers involved. It cost a fortune!
Lissie says:
2 years ago
As a happily non-married person in a 9 year live in relationship its beyond me why people suddenly get married - its not like you need the presents after a few years of household gear collection! In New Zealand now once you've lived together for 2 years you might as well be officially married all the rules of married couples (kids, inheritance, assets etc) apply automatically unless you contract out - insulting and annoying to me but apparently designed to protect woman who are too silly to get marry before having kids