Jealousy: Advice for Taking the Mask Off Jealousy

By Susie and Otto Collins

The green-eyed monster is what jealousy is sometimes called. You may have lived with this “monster” of a habit for many years or perhaps it is a recent development. Whatever the case, when you jump into jealousy, you and your relationship are both bound to suffer. We are here to help you practice building trust so that your love relationship or marriage can be as passionate and connected you want it to be.

Take off the mask of the green-eyed monster and you will likely find fear and feelings of lack underneath. On the surface, jealousy may seem angry and even hostile, but a deep sense of insecurity and vulnerability tend to drive this destructive habit. In order to turn jealousy around and open up space for building trust, it is important to work with these feelings.

If you tend to be a jealous person, perhaps you grew up feeling like there just wasn’t enough love to go around and you would undoubtedly be left out, unwanted. It may not go as far back as childhood, but maybe you experienced a trauma that left you feeling not good enough or somehow flawed and you’ve just never gotten over it. You may have experienced a broken heart and never really recovered. You may have never gone through a lover having an affair for these feelings to develop. It might come down to feeling inferior and unworthy of love and then expecting the ones you care about to treat you accordingly.

As difficult as it is for the person prone to jealous feelings, it is also tricky for that person’s partner. Jealousy in a relationship does nothing but build walls of mistrust between you. Try to stand on one side of a literal brick wall with your partner on the other side and then attempt to embrace one another. Pretty much impossible. In fact, it is also hard to communicate clearly with that literal wall between you. Relationship walls may not be as easy to see, but they can feel just as solid and impassable.

Carlos and Juanita had just started dating. They love to go out dancing and both feel really excited about this new relationship. Juanita, however, has a jealousy habit that she’s felt pretty much all her life. There is always a fear that her partner will become tired of her and move on. When Juanita and Carlos are out dancing, she is always aware of the other women at the bar—particularly the ones she thinks are attractive. She watches Carlos’ gaze intensely to see if he also notices the other women. When they’ve been apart, she asks many questions about what he’s been doing and who he’s been with. Carlos has begun to notice a certain intensity and suspiciousness in Juanita. He feels like this relationship could be something really special but the mistrust makes him feel uncomfortable and irritable. He decides to talk about his feelings with Juanita before jealousy stamps out the growing spark.

As dismal as this all might seem, there is relief in sight! Being aware that you or your mate has a jealousy habit is a first important step. Here are some other suggestions to get you started building trust….

1.) Look Deep Within

Whether or not you are the one with the jealousy habit, you can both benefit from looking deeply within yourselves. Set aside some time when you can be alone and undisturbed and really check in with how you are feeling. If you can do this when jealousy has reared its head, all the better. It is important that you stay focused on how you are feeling. Allow the stories of who, what, and where go for now. It is often the case that you can’t even be sure how accurate the stories you tell yourself are. Working with the feelings will help.

When a feeling comes up for you-- like fear for example-- no matter how much you want to resist, allow it. Look at the feeling and where it comes from. It might be that you fear being left and you can trace that back to feeling abandoned as a child. Childhood traumas are not the sole cause of later habits, but they can contribute to them. Again, let go of the stories that go along with the feelings. But remind yourself that you are now safe and that you care for yourself very well. The abandonment fears may not totally disappear with this reminder, but you may find relief.

2.) Uplift

As Carlos and Juanita sit down to talk about how they are both feeling, it is important that they speak with honesty but also that they not continue to bring the other person down. The jealousy habit is already doing that! In order to build trust, be sure to speak from where you are and not from a place of blame or judgment. This may not be easy as many of us are practiced in judging, but try it. Perhaps Carlos starts by sharing with Juanita that he would like to see their relationship continue and grow but that he feels a wall building between them. Instead, he would like to work with her on building trust. For her part, Juanita may be able to be honest about the fears she has and she may even choose to share some of the history behind them. She can “own” the feelings and let Carlos know she also wants to build trust.

Nothing has really changed for Juanita and Carlos except that they both took a huge step towards each other by honestly sharing feelings. They may have not even mentioned the word jealousy, but they did put out there what they want—a more trust-filled relationship.

Just as Carlos cannot make Juanita’s fears of abandonment go away, you cannot allay the feelings that underlie your partner’s jealousy habit. What you can do is be honest about where you are and be uplifting to your partner. Keep the focus on what you want and also on what is going well between you.

As Juanita begins the healing process by taking the mask of her green-eyed monster, she can also appreciate the way that Carlos is supporting her with integrity. She can also share with him in a way that uplifts them both. And, Juanita can consciously choose to uplift herself when difficult feelings arise. She might come up with a routine to try when that familiar jealousy makes an appearance. There might be a self-loving quote she carries in her purse or a soothing song she sings to herself. Whatever brings relief to those feelings, will help stop the jealousy in its tracks.

No matter how big the wall jealousy forms between you and your partner, you can make a change. With an honest sharing of feelings from the heart and the intention to uplift one another, you can start to build trust.