McCain vs Obama - The Real Story!

John McCain once said that George Bush was unprepared to tackle the tough diplomacy he would face as president. That was just before the alleged Karl Rove pre-swift boating exercise in South Carolina, telling racists White voters that John McCain fathered an illegitimate African-American child.

It turns out that John McCain adopted the child, but why let the truth stand in the way of a good political lynching? Plus, it got Bush elected, or at least that's what the U.S. Supreme Court decided after halting the recount in Florida, then saying that because it had stopped, the time had run out and they couldn't restart. But that's all water over the bridge and under the dam.

Now, apparently having learned his lesson well, and with Bush operatives on his team, he is berating Barack Obama's foreign affair policies even before they are created. Naturally, that's what politicians do, even Obama does that. Still, I have yet to see any president actually carry out the promises they give us before we elect them, so I have to say, chill out, guys! Wait for Barack to get the nomination, and then bash him! Just kidding - no bashing is good bashing!

Anyway, with tongue firmly planted in cheek, here is my take on Obama and McCain strategies for handling the problems the U.S. faces overseas.

I'll take on McCain first, since he might fall asleep before I am finished, just as his geriatric predecessor Reagan was wont to do.

1: Don't talk with anyone! Leave our allies alone, and for God's sake, don't ever talk with anyone from Iran! That way we won't have to justify going to war with them, because everyone will know they refused to agree with all our terms beforehand, and therefore they must be in the wrong!

2: Bomb, bomb, bomb - bomb, bomb Iran. That way we won't need to do any talking. I would suggest a nice 1978 vintage Hydrogen bomb, with its unique bouquet and large, looming mushroom cloud. A nice after taste of strontium 90 and other lingering effects may be noted at the finish. And remember - Once you've tasted hydrogen gone wild, you'll never taste anything else!

3: give us all a tax break on gas, as long as we don't tax the gassy mess big oil has brought about with huge, unwarranted profits, alleged price gouging, and did I mention obscene profits while the rest of us go belly up? But don't cry for big oil - after we are long ago forced to go back to horse and buggy, China and India will always be there for big oil to gouge and exploit. Isn't that good news? Oh, and while you're at it, send us those $500.00 Bush Tax break checks that do us "little people" so much good! Maybe someone in the IRS will accidentally send me your wife's tax break check by mistake! Hey, I could the tax-break-for-the-rich's benefits more than she can!

4: Keep on keeping on - The 100 Year War, Take Two. McCain probably meant to say, "Yes, we'll stay there for 100 years, but only a few of us. I'm thinking Jenna Bush's new husband, with a tank, and Dick Cheney, since he is so medically bionic he'll probably be around for at least the next 100 year, and we'll give him a flame-thrower. What‘s that? We don't use them any more? OK, a tactical nuke and a hummer. He looks good in a hummer!" And don't forget the architect of this all, Donnie "Misunderstood" Rumsfeld. He should get an aircraft carrier or something, and then plaster it with all sorts of patriotic banners! Banners like: "Pardon our dust! Mission soon to be accomplished!" Maybe he could line up the sailors in an overhead shot of the U.S. giving the finger to Iran - wouldn't that teach them a lesson!

5: Take a course in basic economics-we are all counting on you to know SOMETHING about how we used to earn our daily bread - back when we had jobs! I know Cindy's fortune has disconnected you from the grid, but the rest of us are dying out here! Did you ever have to find your next meal in the McDonald's trash bin? Did you ever have to live in a cardboard box condominium? We do!

OK, enough McCain bashing. Now it's Obama's turn. What is all this foolish talk about meeting with Iranian leaders? Do you speak Iranian? No? Then what could you possibly say to them? "Hey! I'm half-Kenyan! Does that impress you?" If not, just get Rumsfeld waiting off shore to send a few planes over Tehran. Or tell them you're from Chicago. "Did you ever hear of Al Capone, Mr. Ahmadinejad? Let me clue you in! Here's a complete boxed set of The Untouchables for you to enjoy!"

OK, now for Barack Obama's policies.

1: Will you really have Hillary Clinton as your VP choice? Does that mean Bill will have unfettered access to the White House? You know what happened last time he was able to sneak around at night! Cigars, anyone?

2: Change is great, right? What will change? How will you do it, and what will it mean to me? I know we need change, but how do you hope to get it done?

3: Reverend Wright. Yeah, I saw the entire video and I know some people on a network that has the same name as a former Mexican President played sound bites that were less than complimentary, but what did you learn from him? How much do you agree with his preaching from that famous Sermon on the Tube? If you really expect to get elected, you will have to explain in greater detail - just what is, in your mind, wrong about Wright? Is it right to be wrong about Wright? Do two Wrights make a Wrong? We need to know!

4: We mentioned Michigan and Florida. Actually, we didn't but I am asking about them now. What will you do to make sure the Democratic Party loses the Super Delegate crap, makes primaries, not caucuses, the way you select presidential candidates, and how will you reform this crazy-quilt process so that the Democrats really stand for Democracy?

5: By the way, Raul Castro is no nicer than his geriatric brother. Just because he allowed cell phones does not mean he is suddenly embracing freedom and Democracy for Cuba. Talk around him, and also why would you even want to talk with the nut case Hugo "The Yugo" Chavez in Venezuela? Pay someone to swift-boat him - possibly Karl Rove? Yes, put that (in my opinion) Himmler-like operative to work at something POSITIVE for once! Maybe Fox News can lend him to you for a week, in return for a secret camera to catch Bill in action with his little humidor.