Today is a dark day for me; I have been bamboozled, hood-winked and even violated. I have been used and embarrassed by a man I would never think capable of such a diabolical crime; Steven Seagal. Steven has always been about fighting crime, good versus evil and adopting a Zen type of lifestyle. Once Steven Seagal commented on the "Tonight Show" that he thought the movie Goodfellas was too violent and didn't need the opening scene of Pesci, DeNiro and Liotta stabbing the man in the trunk...I miss that Steven, not the Steven that has forever scarred my life.

Last night I was at the grocery store with my wife and daughter and out of the corner of my eye I saw some energy drinks for $1.00. I am a fan of energy drinks, my preference being "Rockstar" but I have tried Monster, Redbull, Amp and many others. Most of the time energy drinks are outrageously expensive, $2.50 to $2.85 for a can of Rockstar; depending on where you go. A one dollar energy drink is right up my ally and catered to my needs as a man on a budget.

So as I am sifting through the many brands of energy drinks, all of which I had never hear of; I find one that has a picture of Steven Seagal on the front of the can. The name of the drink is called "Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt", and it says that is an Asian Experience containing B-Vitamins, Ginseng, Goji Bearry and Guarana. As a matter of fact, further reading of the can lets me know this is no mere energy drink but a long lasting energy ELIXIR made with ingredients from all over the world. Who deosn;t want to drink an elixir? I sure do!

Now, the reason for my need of such Energy drinks is I drive more than an hour and a half each day to work and I am exhausted. I need something to wake me up due to the fact that I don't drink coffee. My Rockstar energy drink does the trick in less than five minutes and gets my engine firing on all cylinders. So with this new purchase of Steve's energy elixir, I thought I would be fine this morning, grab a maple and brown sugar granola bar and my special elixir and keep my battery charged for the long haul to work. How wrong I was.

As I ate my granola bar, I began getting an overwhelming need for lubrication in my throat (granola bars are dry...little FYI). I quickly popped open my Lighting Bolt Energy Drink and took a big swallow. I can't truly describe the taste of this concoction, but let's just say I was barely able to swallow this liquid. Not being a quitter, and learning from Andrew Zimmer from the television show Bizarre Foods, I had always learned to try things twice.

The second sip was worse than the first. There is a taste in this retched drink that is so indescribable, that is makes my stomach turn at the mere thought of even ingesting this crap again. After not being able to get this horrid taste out of my mouth and thinking about what that taste could actually be, I had an epiphany; I know what I just did. Steven Segal, whom I had never known to hurt anyone on propose, just tricked me into drinking his piss.

This is one for the ages folks; Adam Briel has in fact, as of August 8^th 2008, ingested actual human urine. Steven Segal is a son-of-a-bitch, mark my words. The can reads "Made with ingredients from all over the globe." This is true, because HE has been all over the globe and must have been saving his urine in a large container for years to equal enough to make his own piss energy drink.

I was not able to find out if it actually gave me a boost in energy or woke me up, because I was only able to force down two sips; two too many to be honest with you. I spend the remainder of my drive trying to keep my eyes pried open and not kill myself along with many innocent bystanders in the process. If I would have died or killed someone in an auto accident, my blood would be on Steven Segal's hands! Luckily, as you are reading this, I made it without major incident, or from what I can remember.

I wondered to myself, why would old Steve do this to me? What have I done to him? I thought I could trust him, but I was wrong. As I began to think about Steven as a person, I started to see the light. Steven doesn't care about me or anyone else; he has been trying to pull the wool over the public's eyes forever. I will grant him some leeway in "Marked For Death, "Above the Law" and "Under Siege", but when I think about "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory", "The Glimmer Man" and "Half Past dead", I start to realize, Steven thinks we are a joke.

I think Steven was angry with us as a nation because he is no longer relevant in the film industry. I just looked up his IMDB page and he has a slew of direct-to-DVD films I have never heard of. This must have ignited a fire of rage and revenge in him which sent his plan into motion. This evil, unappreciative bastard is so consumed by abandonment and hurt that he is no longer "America's Action Here" that he decided he would make the world drink his piss. If he were to walk by a man on the street sipping his Lighting Bolt Energy Elixir, he would get satisfaction knowing he made another man drink his piss.

I am on to you Steven; I know what you are about and what you're doing. I am taking a stand against you Mr. Seagal; no more will I let people drink the nasty fluid that had been drained from your old, wrinkly and rotting penis. You got to me, but you won't take us all down! I must live with the fact that I drank the bladder nectar from Steven Seagal but the world doesn't have to!

I challenge you to a fight Mr. Segal; winner drinks the piss of the other. I will win and you will drink my urine and like it. I will be victorious and you will get a shot in the mouth you will never forget...mark my words.