My mind has become my prison.

I am locked within my own thoughts with no way out.

The real me is hidden well, and doesnt come out unless forced. She stops inside telling me how worthless and stupid i am and critisises everything i do. There is no rest from the inside me. She is in my dreams and my thoughts twenty four seven.

The inside me has been with me since i was young. She was there when i was forgotten, mocking me when my elder siblings said i wasnt wanted. The inside me told me to run away because no one there wanted me. She told me to run in front of that truck and hope that the truck would get rid of the pathetic me and she would no longer have to suffer the burden of being so ugly and horrible.

She becomes my madness and my fear. Im afraid that the inside me will escape. She will become stronger and win the battle that is going on inside my mind. Ive seen it happen to others. Their bodies taken over, and instead becomes a shell of who they used to be. They find ways of hurting the nastyness inside of them by pain, and i find myself becoming one of them. I see sharp objects and imagine them coursing accross my skin freeing the blood that will run down my body. I imagine the satisfaction of the pain and the distraction of the inner me and her control.

The the thoughts become reality, and scars appear not just on the inside of my soul but on the outside on my skin. I hide the evidence of her power and the disaproval it will bring. I feel the disapointment for what i have done isnt enough. I havent cut deep enough. I havent got enough pain. I should have done more and covered more area. I am weak and pathetic, and i shouldnt be breathing.

But... on i continue. I smile and pretend, never allowing the mask to slip. She is there in my soul. If you looked hard enough you would see her, but no one around me notices. No one see's my pain. No one knows what she is doing to me.

As i get older, age is on my side.

Something in my mind is becoming stronger.

I begin to fight her back...

A point comes when the inner me has about won. As i sit in my corner and sob my heart out i finally decide that the inner me has won. Ive had enough. Its time, she decides, to go and get rid of all the badness and the waste of space.

But then... something happenes.

Im not even sure i could put it into words. Im not sure how i could describe what happened. Instead of the inner me killing me, i killed her instead.

Id had enough.

This thing was taking over my life! I was living and breathing in an existance i hated. I was angry. Very very very angry.

Angry for all those years wasted. Angry for all those minutes of my life sat torturing myself. I pretended to be fine and inside i was broken, but no more. She wasnt going to win and she wasnt going to take away any more of my life. It was time for the inner me to die and i was going to have pleasure in killing her.

And she suffered.

I look in the mirror now and see me and only me. Im a good person and a decent human being. Im everything i want to be and more. I have a family and a life, and people who love me and care for me. Im not letting anything get me down again. Not her, not you... not anyone.

Im finally free :)