5 Tips on How To Mend a Broken Heart
82
How to Mend a Broken Heart
By Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches
Anyone who has gone through a breakup or divorce and has come out the other side with a broken heart, knows what we are talking about.
It can be a very painful experience!
One of the ways to help yourself to feel better and actually heal from a breakup or divorce is to begin to listen to what you are telling yourself. In other words, pay attention to your “self talk.”
We all talk to ourselves all of the time and this is what we calling 'self talk.' These thoughts come and go in our minds and they can either help us go through life with relative ease or struggling at every step of the way.
In our experience, this 'self talk' can either keep you stuck in the past--mulling over what went wrong or what you should have done differently--or stuck in the future--worrying about what might happen at some point down the road.
Or 'self talk' can help you to stay in the present moment, dealing practically with what's happening right now, and move powerfully and positively into your future.
One of the best kept secrets is that you can change your thoughts. Believe it or not, many people learn how to do it.
Here are 5 ways to change 'self talk' to help you ease your pain from your breakup or divorce...
1. Become aware of what you are telling yourself.
Believe it or not, our houghts are habits that we've created along the way. For instance, there's the "guilt" set of thoughts, the "worry" set of thoughts, the "fear" set of thoughts, the "I'm always going to be alone" set of thoughts, the "nothing's wrong" set of thoughts or the "sunny outlook" set of thoughts--you get the idea.
If you want to begin healing your pain, start paying attention to your particular set of thoughts. You might even give them a name.
Maybe you've not had these thoughts until your breakup or maybe they've been with you for a long time. Whichever is the case, just begin noticing what thoughts roll through your mind.
2. Once you have become aware of your thoughts, decide the thoughts that make you feel better, easier about your situation and those that don't. Take a legal pad or notebook and at the top of the page, make 2 columns with these headings: "Feel better" and "Feel Worse."
Keep the legal pad or notebook where you can easily reach it. As thoughts come to you, write them down under one of those two categories. Do this long enough for you to see on paper, your patterns of thinking that are either helping you or pulling you down.
3. Identify one reoccurring thought or pattern that is bringing you pain and make the commitment to yourself to change it. Write your commitment down and post it where you'll see it often.
It could go something like this...
"I commit to changing my thoughts about how alone I am right now. I may not be with a partner right now but I don't have to constantly remind myself."
4. Chose a thought that is better.
Taking our example, this thought is probably not going to be that you are completely joyful, are with your perfect partner, or feel completely satisfied with your current situation. It may be that a better thought is that when a thought comes up about how alone you are, you change that thought to "I can call Bonnie or Carol and either talk with them or arrange to go to dinner or a movie."
5. Practice in each moment and break your habit.
Have you ever broken a habit? It takes being aware of what you are doing and then making a change in the moment. Your thought pattern is a habit and can be changed--but you have to believe the thought that you are changing to--and you have to practice it.
If feeling better is important to you, this is valuable information that will help you to move forward in your healing process from your breakup or divorce.
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
Dear Susie and Otto,
I would like to thank you for your beautiful hub. Also, nice to learn your 'Self Talk' changing process. I am also a self talker and I am looking for some altering method. And I just found it. Now, I will give a try and let's see what happened. Thanks once again for you hub.
Best Regards,
Mamun
Habits are tough to break sometimes! Love the self-talk.
Vortex2382,
I can totally relate... I have been with somebody that I tried and tried for, and we are broken up now. He also has a new girlfriend and is quite happy with her, and its not that I don't want him to be happy mind you, because thats what I want for him more than anything... but I feel like he got over me at like warp speed and didn't even really mourne and that hurts because I am still very much so in love with him.
We broke up because we weren't a good match and I fell for him more than he allowed himself to fall for me. And because he didn't fall for me COMPLEATLY, he dosn't understand why I am not over him yet. He loved me mind you, but hes never loved that deep and lost.
And he really isn't a bad guy; in fact, he has the biggest heart in the world but we just didn't mesh well together and now its killing me that I can't be his anymore.
So back to the point, my negitive thoughts are I want him back so badly that it hurts. And I am sure that yours run along the same line... So maybe we could start a support system? You can email me at Roses331@aol.com if you want to. Hope to hear from you. - Ashley
It is really very much painful to be hurt, most especially when you did a lot just for the sake of a relationship. And in the end you'll get hurt. Things like that normally do happened. It is like a game, sometimes you loose, sometimes you win. But whatever it maybe, just be thankful, at least you did your best. I may suggest that it would be better for we too will learn to forgive, in order for us to move on,despote the hurts and pains we had in our past. But it doesn't mean that if we forgive we allow people to hurt us every now and then, but to give up all the resentment and desire to punish other people. We deserve someone better, stand up and move on.
If you act too anxious to get your ex boyfriend back, he will likely take you for granted because he knows he can have you any time. Try not to act too needy... i know its hard, especially if you're trying to mend a broken heart.
There is nothing worse than a broken heart!!
I jaz want to share my experienced,ive been in a relationship for 4yrs.w/c i thought will last forever. Being w/ a person i truely love is the most happiest days of my life, and i never imagined my life w/o him, till it totally happened. I caught him cheating on me..and for me thats the worst sin that a guy can do w/ his girl, he made me feel so insecure..and i can say that ive experienced the most painful thing..and its definitely being a heart broken, Its been 3 yrs. ago, no formal breakup, no communication at all. and the last news ive heard is that he already had a son w/ his girl..but being very positive helps me get through..i am now working @ good company, have a good friends w/ me and SINGLE..but happy w/ my life. I know that God has a reason for everything..and still believing that at the right time he will give a better person who really deserves and meant for me.
Dianne, you are so right--there is a reason for everything! When it comes to a relationship that ended badly and you were hurt, the best way to move on is to learn from what happened and start to live from that place of new understanding about yourself and how you want future relationships to be.
The thing of it is--you have to let go of the hurt and betrayal before the "better" person can come into your life. You do that by shifting your attention away from what happened in the past to what you want for your future.
Our best to you--Susie and Otto
hey i really thanx for above guidlines which can rid me off from my past. i ll better try this......
..weLl.,loving someone is when u wanT happiness and best for that person,whether it incLudes you or not... Learn from your past, and make it as your shield or armor in you present and future,..I do believe that DESTINY doesnt exist...it is a Lie..we are the ones who shape our destiny...MAKE A MOVE! SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE! maybe u keep on waiting without realizing that the right person is just in front of you...
=)
what gets me is that this has happened to me several times - here i sit with another broken heart. thought this one wouldn't break my heart
even though i can feel my heart ache and i cry just from a thought i do know that i will heal because i healed before
the thought of being alone and our past memories is what gets me, i am going to keep busy, work on goals and try not to be alone, i am going to try to be around friends and pray a lot
yesterday i marked my calendar - day one of healing my heart
Love almost always leads to heartbreak.
Who ever claim love is just merely a feeling has never been in love. There isn’t enough words to describe the exultation of falling in love, vise versa, there isn’t just enough words to depict the amount of soreness a heartbreak may cause. It took me 90days, countless of jet setting, 3 countries, tones of shopping bags, miles of driving along the road leading to nowhere, just to find my self back in square one, curled up in my room crying my self to sleep whenever I’m left alone day in, day out. A lesson that I learn in life recently, in the utmost hurtful manner is that there is no cure to mend a broken heart apart from letting love fix the broken heart all over again, may it be from someone new or may it be from whom the broken heart was caused. Our love could have been an epic love story, his meet hers, feel in love at the very first conversation. Just couldn’t get enough of each other 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. Our love was bigger than life. Little that she know; love doesn’t last forever. 3 years went by, sun stop shinning as bright. His stop loving hers, his gave our love away in return for a new love. Hers heart literally died as the love was taken away without vacillation. If I were given the chance to turn back time, I would tell myself to just walkway and never to ever turn back, the second he told me he’s in love with someone else. Today, if someone were to ask what is my biggest regret in life it would be that. I’ll never regret all those moments that we shared together when we were deeply in love, because I know all those moments were real. I was in love with that person. I won’t change that for a fact. Reality has it, time has changed the man I once knew and loved. Today, he died in another man’s body. History can’t be rewritten thus; I just have to try to make the best out of what may become. As painful as it is, life have to go on. I’m thankful that I’m still alive. Giving me the second chance to make the most out of this blessed life that I have. I’ll strive my best to make this world a better place to live in, filled with love that will last ceaselessly.
Xx;
Little that she know; love doesn’t last forever.
Great hub! After being heated on, I can completely relate. Luckily I didn't get stuck in the self talk that kept me wanting to go back to my ex. Instead I moved forward and became friends with "the other woman". We both have moved on and now have great boyfriends and a strong friendship!
iam married for 7years now and still cant forget my ex boyfriend i love him more than i love my husband now its hard for me to forget him and its tough really am loosing my mind here.....
hi,
im quiet confused about what i realy felt towards my bf.. i dont know what went wrong, i think im always in a right track but... still im wrong.. i dont know if hes someone else aside from me.. he couldn't even text me or just say hi or whatefver... all the favor i did i guess.. im toatlly confused about my statu.. that's why i already consider my self a broken one coz i really don't feel his existence that he' inlove with me...pls i really need your advice....
Hi, been into break up just a week ago.. We had a formal break up, we talked a day after the break up to talk about the problems and we both accepted that we both had mistakes. We're crying while talking, and i can feel the sincerity from his words at that time, so believed in all his reasons why we want me to set him free. He got what he wanted, i set him free, he left me crying and hoping for him to find his happiness. but after a day or two, he admitted that he has a new girlfriend now. It hurts to know that it was so easy for him to forget our two years relationship. It really hurts, I don't know if i was wrong in believing in all his reasons.. He's a liar! I know i have to move on and i deserve someone better than him.
Lori, You said it--It's time for you to move on and you do deserve someone who cares and loves you! Take our advice and skip holding onto blame and hurt-that he did you wrong. My guess is that those reasons he gave you were probably true AND he omitted that fact that he may have already had someone else in mind! People usually omit facts like that because they don't want to inflict more hurt but it usually turns out hurtful anyway. So, take some time to learn from your mistakes that you made in this relationship and open yourself to attracting someone who will love you the way you want.
my boyfriend ended the relatp in the phone afta 5 years...5 years ended in a one minute phone convn..i am shattered..my heart is in shreds..it is taking so long to get betta..i jst walked away..didnt plead or beg but wonder now if i shoudl contact bhim?
It's not easy to get over abroken heart. There are relationships that are easier to get over with pending on the level of emotion and love invested in it.
If you have a deep wound that hasn't been treated, then how can you heal?
Riley, that's correct--the level of emotional investment has a great deal to do with the level of ease in getting over it. If you have a deep wound that hasn't been treated, treat it as you would any wound--look at it, clean it, put some antiseptic on it, bandage it and be easy with it for awhile til it heals. Look at your relationship and what you learned by being in it, give it love, allow yourself to mourn it but don't stay stuck there. Bring yourself into what is presently true and don't glamorize the past and what was. Above all, find ways to begin loving yourself.
7 1/2 years with a married man. he doesnt sleep with her. but suddenly she wants it and he has too or she will kick him out, so he wants to be friends with me til things calm down. while he is doing the wife... hello??? I know, what you will all say i got what i deserve, but he had an agreement with her and we were really in love and i would break up his family so i am letting him go. but my god it hurts. i am betrayed. i was the one who listened and was there when he had problems and i made him happy and now he is going back to her... 'doesnt want to but has to' what a load of crap... he is a liar and i am destroyed... please no judgements on the married thing.
No judgements here from me--you already know the situation and are suffering the consequences so no stone-throwing. The question always becomes--whether the guy is married or not married--what do you want. You have to decide what you want. You have to decide that you are worth having a man all to yourself. Start looking at what you learned from this relationship--not just the obvious that married men might go back to their wives but look at what this relationship has taught you. Maybe it's some aspect of being loved that you hadn't felt before. Maybe it's what you want in a man or in a new relationship. Maybe it's what you don't want.
Every time you go to the "destroyed" feeling in my mind and heart, remember what you learned. Also write out what you want in a new relationship and keep that available. Make sure you don't make your relationship out to be more wonderful than it was. Look at it as it was.
And he made a choice--now you make your choice! Choose you!
Hi, I just broke up with my girlfriend of four years who I have been with since the age of 18 (I am now 23) and she was my first proper/serious long-term relationship. She told me she needs space as she doesnt know what she wants from life, whether she wants to be tied down this young, whether she wants some life experiences on her own etc. She told me that she still loves me but needs time apart. The problem is, although I did cheat on her to, I love her so much and breaking up has pretty much destroyed me; I cant eat, sleep etc. What the hell do I do? I was thinking about packing up and going travelling for 2/3 weeks, any suggestions as to whether this is a good idea post-break up? Thanks.Dan
i'm in a process of recovering from too much pain brought by breking up with the man I loved for almost a year now.It is so difficult to know that he doesnt love me anymore,after all those efforts I had given just to win him back. He has already with his new gf,and he loves her so much, that also hurts me so much...But I've already done my best, its time for me to love my self now and just focus on the things that can help me achieve my dreams in life. I know God has a reason why He let things happened that way. everything happens for a reason. Maybe we were not meant for each other..I guess I should be thankful for what he did to me because it made me a better and strong person...
A year ago (5 months before our mutual decisionto break up) I saw my (then) partner at a birthday-party, talking to a woman with whom he had obvious chemistry. I felt jealous at the time, but worked through it. Five months later we decided to end our relationship because it was just not working and we have been good friends ever since. To my knowledge this woman was never a factor in our decision to end the relationship (which was mutual and amicable), although I always kept a 'gut'-feeling that these two were not done with each other and always thought they might get together in the future.
Now, eight months after our breakup, he has indeed just started (tentatively) dating this same woman (which is the first time after the breakup he is dating at all). And it's the weirdest thing: I still completely agree with our decision to break up, I am very content with my current life, I don't want him back in any way, and I even want for him to be happy with a new person that suits him better (i wish for him what I would wish for myself: it is better to be happy with someone else than unhappy with together). But at the same time I am experiencing feelings of total sadness and confusion, ever since I found out they are dating. And I can't for the life of me figure out why, even with the aid of the five points you mention above. I just can't seem to stop crying and I have no idea where all this grief comes from. Usually I am pretty good at asking for help, looking inside of myself and recognising what needs to be done to heal. But this time I just don't know where to start, because I have no clue as to where this overwhelming sense of grief comes from. Could you give me a few tips to get me on my way to healing myself? i am feeling just a tad desperate right now.
What you are probably feeling are normal feelings of grief after a relationship ends. Even though both people feel it's for the best and you know that the relationship wasn't working for either of you, there usually are feelings of grief--for what could have been but wasn't--when the relationship ends.
So #1--be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve that this relationship wasn't what you hoped it would be.
Your grief could be overwhelming right now because you are allowing yourself to not only to feel the end of this relationship but all other "endings" and things that didn't work out in your life.
When you experience grief, all griefs can get piled on top of the new one and it can seem overwhelming.
So just because your very rational mind (and hooray for you for dealing with the breakup in this way) has decided that the breakup was a good thing, it might be that your emotional body hasn't caught up yet.
So pamper yourself--allow yourself to feel and find some new ways to love yourself. Make a list of what loving yourself might mean and do one thing a day on that list.
Hope this helps you--my best, Susie
Dear Susie,
thank you for your input, it helped to put things into perspective.
I have not been well in the past months and have indeed had to give up a lot of the things that I took for granted. This news was just the 'icing on the cake' I guess. Not being well has stripped me of my mental 'bounce-back' capability so this stuff hits me much harder than it usually would. And it does pile on top of all the things I lost or could not do in the last period of time.
I just could not see it clearly, so thank you very much for helping me along. At least I know where to start now.
much love. daisy
Love to you too--and thank you--Susie
great hub
What are the four agreements?
Don't make assumptions.
Don't take things personally. Beware of the Ego.
Do your best.
Be impeccable with your word.
Stop the Drama, Let it Be. Give me the wisdom to know the difference between what I can change and what I can't!
How do you forgive yourself for all the bad things you did to ruin your relationship? How can you live with yourself after you blame yourself for losing the love of your life? I hate myself and can't stop feeling guilty because I made him stop loving me and now I can't ever get his love back. I know he's not coming back, so now how do I move on and forgive myself?
someone told me, the feeling of high- in love, u know the floating in cloud 9 thing, giddiness on dates, choosing special clothes and pampering yourself before the big day, sweet nothings.. all these will crash and burn the day u experience heart break. until now, like most i weep day and night, lie in bed for the longest possible time..staring blank at the walls and reminisce what's suppose to be forgotten. but slowly im healing my wounds and letting things be. after all i was the one who sacrificed most from the relationship, and i deserve to have my dignity back. true, but we girls can prove that we can make love to a man too without being an emotional basketcase.
Love this - I use another technique too.
The process of thinking is about asking yourself questions and answering them. But the questions you tend to ask - even the ones in the comments above - are not helpful. your mind is ALWAYS going to search for the answers you ask it. So you need to change the questions you ask yourself and make them more positive. For example, instead of 'why me' make it 'how will this help me grow' and instead of 'how can i forgive myself for the bad things I did' ask 'what can I learn from this'. YOu have to be very careful with the questions you ask yourself - like if you ask yourself 'what should I have done' - that's a bad question. You can't 'should' have done anything (unless you have a time machine). The past is over. What you can do is deal with the here and now.
Sorry for going on - i'm really passionate about this - i made a little inspirational video about it - but not sure if i'm allowed to post it here.
Anyway - LOVED this hub.
this is really a wonderful hub....
very informative .... very nicely explained ....
keep the good work up .... god bless you .....
You have to get over this broken heart fast so that you are able to feel better. You need to make good choices for what is good for your heart and soul. Make sure that you are not putting yourself in any situation that may be harmful for you. Getting over the breakup is important and you need to do what is best for you.
Why can't I let go? I know all of the intellectual reasons why we're not together anymore, and that's a good thing. But emotionally I have yet to catch up. I had no closure- just a disappearing act- after 3 years. I am very frustrated and have tried some visualization techniques to disconnect but here I am 4 months later still hankering for a phone call and an explanation. I am getting frustrated with myself also, for knowing better and not doing better. Any suggestions are welcome.
This is an amazing read. I found much info in everyone's comments. I wish they could help me.
I am a divorced woman. Was married for 18 years. After my divorce I was not heartbroken. But this is different
I met the love of my life 4 years ago. We had great times and we had bad times. It has been an on again off again relationship. I have totally given up everything in my life to be with this person, just to be turned away.
It isn't that he didn't love me. At least he told me and many others, including his mother that he did love me very much. He just always found some stupid reason why we couldn't or shouldn't be together.
After this last time of being told that, I flew back home. I had sold my grandmother's silverware to afford to go to his 2nd home in another country. I was very close to this grandmother and it hurt to return knowing that I did that.
But since I have returned to my home country, he has wanted to remain in contact. He has been with someone else recently, I left over 7 months ago and his needs needing to be met, and that killed me.
I have tried to remain out of his life. This is difficult for me. I am the person that would beg and plead for someone not to leave but I am not doing that and I leave him alone and not question anything and he comes back to open all the wounds again. I let him do it. I want so badly to be with him that I don't know what to do.
We have so much in common, i.e. music interests, movies, motorcycles, board games, people watching, simple things, neither of us are materialistic, we have deep conversations about spirituality, we don't have to be at each other's side to know that we are in love. People would come up to us in either country and tell us all the time that we show love. Complete strangers have stopped us on the street during this 4 year time to tell us that. We love nature and being in it. We love making children smile. We love animals. We have taught each other so much about so many different things. We want each other to be happy.
But despite all that, we never seem to be able to make it longer than 2 months without a stupid, very stupid fight.
I love him. More than I loved my ex-husband. I never felt this way about anyone.
How to do you let go of all the dreams, hopes, wishes and beliefs in happily ever after? How do you let go of someone that you love so much? How do you reclaim yourself? How do you see the light at that the end of the road?
I would still do anything to be with this man. He is a great man and a loving man and a caring man. I don't want to let go. Help.
I loved him like no other. I still love him. It's been almost 7 months and I still cry. I broke up with him not because I wanted to but because I had to. He has issues with jealousy, possessiveness and anger. I begged and pleaded with him to change, to get help. I gave the relationship another chance because I love him so much and really wanted to believe him when he said he changed, that he realized what he had with me but there was no change. He absolutely crushed me heart and soul. I don't want to let him go. I want to still be in love with him because under all the pain that causes his jealousy, possessiveness and anger he is an angel. He is the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I still love him.
nicolecc: Thank you for sharing about the painful place you are in right now. As intensely as you feel at the moment, remember that this is right now-- not forever.
Keep returning to your inner wisdom that told you it was time to leave this relationship because of the jealousy and anger.
You can certainly appreciate the positive aspects of your ex and can even continue to feel love for him. At the same time, try to re-focus your attention on other people and things in your life that bring you a sense of ease.
A gradual shifting of attention-- which might take some practice-- can allow you to feel relief and, eventually, happiness again.
Susie and Otto
ater 5 yrs o loving her she broke up with me .she cheated had a baby on me and i still loved her and remained loyal,but what i have learned is i will never ever love another woman again!
What does it mean when she says, "I love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore..." Nine years (and two little boys, three and seven), and she decides it's over? I'm not abusive, I don't cheat on her, and I'm not a drunken bum... Why couldn't this be worked out?
Well, i don't know about you, but i feel better only when i terrorize her and her family.
jd: We are sorry about the pain you are in. Please remember to take your healing one step at a time.
We advise you to not worry about whether you will ever love another woman again. It is certainly understandable that you might feel this way right now.
Instead, focus your attention on finding ways to soothe yourself and support your healing. We think that if you make feeling better your priority, you can begin to open to new ways to enjoy your life and your painful past can more easily release.
-- Susie and Otto Collins
Last Don:
It probably does feel confusing to you to hear that your partner "loves you" but is "not in love with you anymore."
As difficult as this is to hear, it is your opportunity to make learn, grow and make choices about your future.
-- Susie and Otto Collins
Is your mate willing to stay in the relationship with you and try some new ways that the two of you might re-start the spark and move closer together?
There are many reasons why a person might feel that he or she is no longer "in love" with a partner-- especially in a long-term relationship.
Get curious and set aside blame. Work on communicating and connecting and see if both of your feelings change for the better.
If your partner wants to end the relationship, give yourself time to grieve and make peace with what has happened. Be easy with yourself.
At the same time, know that you can be in a loving and alive relationship. It is possible and you can have it-- if not with this partner, with another.
The one:
If you seriously believe that you can only feel better when you "terrorize" your ex and family, we urge you to seek professional help to deal with your feelings and inclinations.
You will only cause more pain-- especially to yourself-- by continuing to focus on a past relationship. Revenge always comes back to hurt most the one who attempted to "get back" at another.
Please re-consider your statement and any intentions you might have to "terrorize" your ex.
Do yourself a huge favor and seek help from a professional or trusted friend or family member who can assist you in processing how you are feeling and help you release the past and move on. -- Susie and Otto Collins
i will try this advises from you. i only hope i can overcome this prob of mine now. im hoping & wishing for it coz it really hurts me alot right now. i cant focus on my work. duh, its annoying!! i hate it. i dont want a life like this,argh! it makes me die, swear. ive already done things that was really stupid just to forget this guy. but damn, why is it i cant let go??
It's sort of comforting to know that you're not alone out there...it's not that my boyfriend I WANT to break up but we have to because he's got a lot of issues causing both my and his family to feel stressed out. I don't know how to handle this situation because it really hurts to let him go - even if it's only until he's got his problems sorted out. Is it worth it? I don't know, I just know I've never felt like this about anyone and though I know I need to let him go and do his thing, I'm still scared.
All I want is to be with him forever.Love....it's just so complicated but only time will tell if we're meant to be or not...and as for the 'self-talk' - I believe in it and I'm willing to give it a try...we'll see what happens.
Finding all the positive you can, is a great start to recovery of the heart.
Reading this hub is awesome, i had been with my ex for seven years and felt like my heart has been ripped out. Am trying so hard to think positive thoughts and i know i will not feel like this forever, but somedays i really find it hard to even get out of bed.
i think what Self Love wrote hit the nail on the head for me.
Keep up the good work everyone and i will be bookmarking this page to keep me positive as im sure my heart will not keep hurting like this forever. And reading other like minded comments may just get me through one of the toughest times in my life.
Thank you Susie and Otto for starting such an wonderful tool to help those of us who need it most.
Jeyneper:
Try to be patient with yourself and with the process of letting go of a relationship that has ended. Often times, allowing yourself to grieve and feel the sadness or other emotions you might be feeling right now can be immensely helpful.
Stay tuned in to your feelings and do not judge yourself for them. Find safe and healthy ways to express how you feel. Sometimes writing, creating art, even exercise can all help those difficult emotions to pass.
Try to imagine the kind of life (and even possible future relationships) that you want for yourself. Keep that vision in your mind as something to aim for.
Best wishes to you,
Susie and Otto Collins
JStar:
It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. And it also sounds like you are drawing on your inner strength as you heal.
Continue to listen to that inner knowing and trust that you will have the loving relationship you want one day.
Best wishes to you,
Susie and Otto Collins
My boyfriend of two years decided to move back to his home country of brazil. This decision came after he visited his family for one month in november after 4 years of not seeing them.He left brazil because his family was getting on his nerves and wanted a change, since he left his father and mother divorced and his father now dating a woman half his age and about too have a baby with this woman. His brother is 28 and has no qualifications and no plan either. He returned to me in december and told me he wanted to go back to live there. He quit his job and his college here and left me on new years day (yesterday). He says he still loves me but he needs to be with his family ( mother sister and older brother)and get a degree and make something of his life. Im totally devastated as im still very much in love with him, im 23 and ive gone through a very nasty heartbreak before,but not one which the other person still loves me. To make things harder, i dont have any close friends too talk to this about, he is my best friend and we talked about everything to eachother. I respect him for making the decision too concentrate on his education and family but I just feel so lost. All that I want is him too ask me too go there and live with him and I would in a heartbeat.....Where do i go from here!
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain--and of course you feel lost. If he's willing to talk to you,ask if he wants a relationship with you at all now--and if he does, what that would look like--phone calls, texting, email??? If he does want you in his life, you can tell him that you are willing to move where he is at some point--if that's truly what you want. Find out if this is what he also wants. Get some facts and then if he doesn't want you in his life at all, you'll know that you have to look within yourself to start rebuilding your life without him.
Thank you for replying Susie, Its nice too have an outsiders advice,excluding my family Ive nobody too talk too about this.....We lived with eachother,even for the month of december when he was deciding if he was going or not, at one point he said he would stay, that he would finish his course of 6months and we could decide what we would do..And then he said he was too homesick and booked his flights. We talked and talked and talked, many things were said like how he wants to concentrate on himself and his family and how he doesnt want too end up like his 28 year old brother with nothing to show for himself. That he needs to be by himself in his country for this too happen.He cant have the responsibilites of a relationship. He also says things like ' give time to time' the feelings are still there, theres no doubt that we are best friends, that he loves me and wants me too be well and that if i want to visit im always welcome.I also asked if in a couple months if things dont go the way he plans, like finding a new college and new job and if he misses me would he come back or ask me to go there or anywhere with him, he replied probably 'yes but how could I know all that now'.I just cant hold on too false hope,if thats what that is. I know that I need to be happy within myself first but to be honest im so physically and mentally drained I dont see this happening for quite some time. The last month has been hard enough to deal with it with him, Im not sure how I'll be dealing when he's so far away starting a new life without me.
hi susie,
cud u help me of whats wrong in me? hope u could give me some advise. I am 26yrs of age a single mom & my lil angel is 2yrs old now. and d father of my child is d most worst man ive ever meet in my while life, but the love still flow from my heart. I dont know how could i start my story. But the main story here is. The father of my child is a married men, d wife is they still in the same house but the love of their relationship being married is not working anymore. I know this is stupid. My love for him is against all odds. I already overcome him for 2yrs with out from my side. Only with me is our child. But now, his begging to give him a 2nd chance. I thought i am strong already to overcome him for more than 2yrs, but i was wrong. still in my heart & in my mind im still love him but im scared & afraid to be with him. Coz as his wife according on her he is not a good husband either a good father for his son. please help me if im still hold on or keep moving on & truly forget him for d sake of his wife & child. i really dont know... =(
Thank you very much for this hub,
Just had to read it again, so I can keep moving on.
i dont know what to do,really....hope this will work, I am a great pretender though i see my man with iother gurl,i refuse to accept the truth because i know if i lost him i lost my life too....help me!!!!
Gotta love this hub. We've all broke our hearts one time.
thanks for such a great site where i can read similar stories without talking to friends and family who are too emotionally involved and think i should b over it by now.
7 months ago my heart was ripped apart when me and the love of my life separated. i still cant look at another man and am working on my self esteem anyway.
we lived together for 5 years and had a good life with my 2 kids and his 3 kids. his ex wife and i were good friends , which made life easier when he wanted access to his kids. we split after differences in parenting and culture (im scottish and hes andalucian spanish). when we were alone we had the best memories which are difficult to erase when i hear place names or music which we enjoyed. even the weather reminds me of this man who said "To die of love, is to live without you", and i knew hw meant it.
after splitting, the shit hit the fan as in i worked with the ex wife and she left and he basically ran back to them. i begged him to work things out but he,d already made his promises to them and after nasty threats from him to me i got the police to warn him off, we have had no contact for 6 months.
my point here is if we had continued to txt etc and stay friends, it would have been worse seeing him with them and knowing he would never be mine again. i even avoid mutual friends because i cant bear to hear any bits of his new life , happy. no contact 100% is like "out of sight, out of mind". only problem is we all live in a small town, so avoiding him has been driving me crazy. even today i have an appointment and im planning the quickest way to get home without opening wounds and seeing his handsome face at all!
i would say my broken heart is getting better and even enjoyed xmas but i just cant bear to see him! i see him as dead and non existent. does anyone relate to this?
That's tough, Have you tried picking up a hobby or finding something you love to do to occupy your spare time. I know early in a break up that, it's the person who finds a way to fill that void, is usually the one that recovers allot more quickly.
Best wishes
Jessica
Jessa:
We don't know what your specific situation is, but we do encourage you to take extra special care of yourself right now.
Learn some new strategies that can help you in those moments where you encounter "your man" with another person. Often a good starting point is take a slow, deep breath. This will not magically cure your emotional pain, but it is a simple and on-the-spot way to come back to you (rather than become lost in your thoughts about what you are seeing) and then calm down so that you can decide what your next step is.
We wish you the best,
Susie and Otto
Maura:
It sounds like you are taking some great steps toward feeling better. Keep building on those moments when you feel less sad and even enjoy what you are doing and the people whom you are with.
As Jessica suggests, developing new hobbies or trying out different activities can broaden your world and help you feel better.
Of course, we recommend that you keep letting yourself feel the grief, sadness or other emotions that come up. Let them move through you and then direct your attention back to something that brings you relief.
For a time, you might choose to avoid the people and places associated with your ex. Do not let this become a way to avoid living your life again, however.
Continue to listen to what you need. Make your healing and feeling better the priority.
Best Wishes,
Susie and Otto
Reading all your story and how you deal with it makes me realize that i'm not alone it this world. It made me realize as well that my issues is not as BIG as yours, yet whenever I'm alone it takes my conscious world.
Im a gay and had a long distance relationship that last for 1 year and 2 months. We see each other once in two month( we do text and make calls everyday), since she is from another country.( we met through common friends). I know this kind of relationship may not last forever, but there are things you would like to fight to have them longer. I know what we had is real. I know she loves me.( no question, I feel it) However, things didn't go as what we had always plan, we need to end it. Her parents knew and is not infavor of it. I respect and understand her decision. ( it's her parents- who am I to question it).We doesn't want to,but has to.We both hurt and lost during that time. We still communicate once in a while and still believe that we'll be together when she finished her study. I thought not communicating with her often will make her situation better(Dealing with her parents relationship and her study. I don't want to be part of her burden).I may not be around, but my mind and heart is always with her.
last month, I saw her picture with someone so sweet(someone we had issues before, a woman who is so obsessed with her trying to come between us)saying sweet words in the social networking site..She hated that woman before and now she's with her??..now, i'm confused, what's the real reason why we broke up, and why she's with that woman??. The pain is unbearable. I don't have the courage to ask her and to know the answer straight from her. I can't face it, I'd rather stay blinded by my own thoughts that they are together. Basing on the pictures and thier words.
Please advise.
The courageous thing to do is to ask her and not stay blinded--so you can finally move on instead of staying tied to a dream. You deserve to be with someone who is available to love you and you can't do that while you are keeping yourself in limbo. Be courageous and get this settled once and for all! Ask her.
More Broken Heart Links
- Articles on healing after divorce, separation, and a break up
Some practical tips on dealing with the pain of a breakup or divorce.
- Relationship Advice for dealing with a broken heart
Here's some relationship advice that will point you in the direction of healing from a breakup or divorce.
- A Broken Heart Can be a Real Threat
Can a broken heart caused by a relationship breakup cause real physical problems? This article explains the "Broken Heart Syndrome" and how it can affect you.
- The Biggest Myth about Healing a Broken Heart
If you suffer the pain of a broken heart, you will get a lot of advice from well-meaning friends and loved ones. Here's one myth to keep in mind as you listen to their advice.
vortex2382 says:
2 years ago
I will give this a try. Problem is how do you get over a broken heart when its still being trampled on by your spouse. You know the one you cant bare to get rid of. not he you but we are both so unhappy. I will try your methods. Thanks