Unfortunately, I know a thing or two about breaking up. I know the signs. I know how it feels to look back on a relationship after it's over and suddenly see more red flags then in a NASCAR race. Sadly, it seems the only time we mentally "see" those flags is after it's over. During the relationship we know they are there, but have this uncanny way of glossing them over to be more of a green-just-keep-going flag. Even though we know... in our gut.... We know.

Just because I'm experienced at relationship break ups doesn't mean it ever gets easier. It doesn't. No break-up is easy, and men and suffer as well. However, I want to look at breaking up from my viewpoint, men who leave women. I want to focus on the way men consistently resort to awful tried-but-not-so-true methods and lame verbal strategies in the final moments of a relationship.

Believe it or not, during my last break up, my boy friend actually used several of these incredibly not-so-unique ideals. It just amazes me how easily they slide off their tongues. And, more amazing is how dumbfounded they look when you call them on it. They sit there and stare at you with that "deer in the headlights" look on their face, totally awestruck (and somewhat peturbed) that you actually don't believe them. They completely believe what they are saying, as if it's some sort of men's creed, or their inborn break up doctrine.

 

"I need some time to find myself."

Ok, first of all....if you are told this, please don't wait around for him to decide whether or not he will still want to be in a relationship with you after he "finds himself". Take this as a cue to go out and do whatever you darn well please. Give him space. No calling, no contact, no "surprise" running intos. Nada. It may mean he doesn't want to date you again... ever. Or it may mean he doesn't want to date anyone right now, but maybe you later. Or it can also mean he wants to date someone else right now, and maybe you later if that doesn't work out. It really depends of what your relationship was like before he went to "find himself".

 

The Classic "It's Not You - It's Me"

This really translates to: "It's not me, it's you." Ugh! How many of us have heard that line once or five times in our lives? Don't believe this line for a second. It has got to be one of the most over used, lame and obvious attempts at trying to soften the blow. Maybe their heart is in the right place at the time, but we find no solace in these words. We understand what it really means - that he is just not in to you. I'm thinking this had to be the very first entry in the Men's Break-up Doctrine.

 

"I'm just not ready for a relationship right now."

Defined as: "Yikes"! "This is going way too fast". This break up line usually comes right after we utter the word "future", whether intentional or not. It doesn't matter why we said it...all he hears is that one word and he's off and running. Other times, this line is used when he thinks he has found greener grass, and the translation can then be: "I'm ready for a relationship... just not with you right now". That, unfortunately, was what my boy friend was telling me when he used this line. It was ok for the first couple of years, and then suddenly he's not ready?????? What??? Huh????

 

The Sudden Drop-Out

All of the sudden, he's busy all the time. Busy. Busy. Busy. He can't call you for a myriad of reasons (like he used to). He's doing things with friends and family, his dog, his neighbor's cat, his old teacher's son's brother.... and has no time for you (like he used to). You keep asking if everything is "ok with us". He says, yes. But you KNOW things are not the same. Then, you ask again, and again, and again... until finally he snaps and turns the whole thing around to be YOUR fault for bugging him so much about it. You are imagining things. You are a control freak. You don't trust him. And on it goes until he ultimately gets mad enough of all your pushing and says it's over. I think that whole scenario has a chapter all it's own in the Men's Break-Up Doctrine. They all do it SO WELL! It's so manipulative! And just plain wrong.

 

Text Message Break Ups

Men no longer bring flowers to their dates, and courting and gift giving appear to have become things of the past. What has replaced all the romance? It's the cell phone. Now days, men text. They text to ask you on a date. They text you the next day to say they had a great time, and they text you with silly sexy messages that are often in bad taste. But if that is not enough, they even text you to say they are breaking up. Remember the Sex and the City episode where Sarah Jessica Parker was really upset because her boyfriend broke up with her on a sticky note? Well, at least he was taking a chance that she might walk into the room, see what he was doing and confront him. Texting is way different. Men can send a message and never have to suffer the consequences if they do not wish to. This truly is one of the most spineless ways of breaking up there could ever be. Nuf said.

 

"I Still Want To Be Friends."

This can be taken as: "If we run into each other somewhere, please don't make a scene." Ahh, another of the classics. He dumps you and wants to just be friends. This satisfies so many of his needs in one lump sum. He can run into you at the bar and not worry about a scene, after all... you're buds! He can still call you if he needs to borrow that battery charger of yours he always uses, so he is picking and choosing what parts of the relationship he wants to keep. He, obviously, has been thinking about this break up for a long time... you, on the other hand, just got slammed with the bad news and all of the sudden you are expected to go from lovers to friends in seconds. No way, no how. End of discussion.

 

"Can I call you sometime"?

Sadly enough, this can translate to: "If I'm ever lonely and there's no other chick in sight at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night...." He may or may not be that crass, but nevertheless, he is trying to keep his foot in the door. Giving him the benefit of a doubt, he may actually be afraid he will miss you and feel the need to talk at some point in the future, and would like to keep the lines of communication open. But, be wary! If he's the one who's dumping you, then he may be unfairly trying to lead you to believe that a break will strengthen the possibilities of some kind of rekindled romance in the future. This may be possible if he is unsure that he's making the right decision about breaking up, but just be careful. Sometimes it's best just to make a clean break regardless if there is a chance of reconciliation in the future. If there is, it will happen.

 

"I still care about you".

"That is why I am using all these lame excuses to break up with you, to spare your feelings". Honestly, he probably does care about you, but just not enough to maintain a relationship with you. He wants you to do well, and he really does feel bad about hurting you. But what he's also saying is, please don't tell all your friends to hate me, and I don't want you to either, should nothing better come along or a new relationship not work out. The relationship may be broken, but it's a pretty big concern that his reputation remains intact. He doesn't want anyone to think he is a total jerk for what he did. (This is where he needs to be reminded that actions do speak louder).

 

In my entire life as an adult, I've only had one relationship in which we got back together after breaking up. That is with the boyfriend who (amazingly) used several of the lines I've mentioned above. I took the high road after the break up and simply cut off any contact. I didn't let him call me. I didn't agree to be friends. The night of that break up was a life-altering evening for me. For him, it was a means to move on to another relationship he thought would be more promising. As it turned out, it wasn't. He eventually did text me to ask if he could call me (the only time I was actually "ok" with a text message).

He did call, and we did (eventually) get back together... and still are together after two years. Not without some work on both our parts. His part...extreme booty kissing and tons of reassurance, not to mention a little groveling thrown in for good measure. My part, to regain the disrespect and trust I lost in him and what we had.

I truly believe men are emotionally, verbally and methodically challenged when it comes to breaking up in relationships. Men, if you took the time to read this article.... Please learn from it and see how horrible those lame excuses and break up methods are. Be honest as possible with us. You may no longer have our heart, but perhaps you will still have our respect and that of others in the end.

I would like to suggest some wonderful reading material for anyone who is going through a break up, or thinking about leaving their current relationship. Getting back together with my boyfriend after he broke up with me wasn't easy, and I know without the help and advice I received in the following books, I would have unknowingly done so much to push him even further away.

We really want to believe them when they give us their reasons for breaking up, and many times they are not always as harsh as they come across. Most are just lame and over used excuses that could otherwise be more hurtful and blunt then they are cliche`. Some men just do not know any other way, and do not want to see us hurting, so they take the low road....or the only road they know.

It is possible to get back together, but you have to go about it the "right" way. These books will tell you exactly what to do .... and more importantly.... what NOT to do. Even if getting back together after your break up is not what you want, the advice you will receive will help you time and again in future relationships. Trust me, it is valuable advice.

• The Magic Of Making Up

• Win Back Love

I wish you the best of luck in your situation. For more relationship advice, tips, or support please visit: Your Relationship Support

 

Have a Beautiful Day,

Mary