I was stationed at Twenty Nine Palms for 3 weeks temporary duty when, in the middle of that three weeks, I began to feel a twinge in my lower right jaw. This rapidly escalated into a full blown agony that immediately put me in mind of the Marathon Man (is it safe?) and I asked for the afternoon off to venture over to the base dentist. After a cursory examination I was told I had a wisdom tooth gone bad and it would need to be pulled. However, the real dentist wouldn’t be in until tomorrow morning and so they gave me some Tylenol 3 and sent me away. It was the first time I had taken Tylenol three and I immediately realized that it did not work.

I went to my bunk where I was destined to stay until the next morning, not even coming out for evening chow. The pain from the infected tooth would come in waves which elicited dread from me during the times that it wasn’t really hurting. As the night wore on my resolve and manliness wore down and I began to moan when the pain was at its worst. For my Marine roommates this was a sure sign I was going to have my John Wayne card revoked the next day at the first opportunity. By three am my fellow Marines were disgusted with my cries of “Mommy, Mommy!” By 5 am they were alarmed when, in a fitful sleep I began yelling, “It’s safe, it’s safe by God I tell you it’s safe!” Holding my cheek with both of my hands they gave me a wide berth as I left at 6:30 am to the dentist’s chair and relief.

My appointment was for 7 am and I was there with bells on so nothing would delay my extraction. I was told the dentist would be right with me and to take a seat. The Navy Corpsman dentist was indeed on time and I was escorted to the chair by a pretty assistant who made sure I was comfortable and prepped for the extraction. Shortly the dentist waltzed in holding the x-rays taken of my tooth the day before. For some reason however, he still felt the need to stick sharp metallic objects into my mouth prior to the anesthetic. They do this to test your reflexes and see if you really can hit the ceiling with your head. I could and did and he said, “Is that the tooth?” To which I responded, “I swear it’s safe, it’s safe.” I don’t think he believed me because next he pulled out a 3 foot needle. He said, “This’ll only sting for a second.” He lied.

The needle went in, and in, and in until I swear it must have come out of the back of my neck at some point. He told me he was looking for the nerve and I said nothing, because I couldn’t. It occurred to me then that dentists are the only doctors that can do whatever they want to you while you are awake and still say at the cocktail party that night that you didn’t complain about the pain at all. The nurse attempted to soothe me as he continued to move this needle around my jaw looking for “that” nerve. Satisfied that he had found it he left while the painkiller took effect.

After awhile the pain did indeed go away but the Dentist made sure that was short lived by returning at the same time. He told me to open my mouth and this time stuck a small blunt object in there which he used to tap my tooth. This time I only made it halfway to the ceiling and so he pronounced me ready for extraction. While he snapped on some gloves the nurse wheeled over a tray of tools that looked more suited for under the hood of a car than in my mouth. Scared, I slobbered out, “It’s safe” at which point she told me to “Spit”. I obeyed and then she put a suction device in my mouth that threatened to take the offending tooth out by itself. The dentist selected a pair of pliers not unlike what I use to pull bent nails from wood and unceremoniously stuck these in my mouth. Not wanting to witness the bloodshed, I closed my eyes and waited.

I felt him tug at the tooth and then tug again. He seemed a little hesitant for a second and then went back at it with gusto. Tugging and pulling on my tooth soon had my head coming off of the headrest and the nurse became involved by helping me keep my head in place. I wanted to say it was safe but feared losing my tongue at this point. He was tugging on the offending tooth harder now and the nurse and I were having a harder time pulling back. It soon became a tug of war with both of us determined to win. I’m pulling my head back as the nurse has a grip on my forehead and is now sideways to me pushing my head back as well. The dentist has now got one knee on the chair as he is making faces that are genuinely alarming while trying to pull my tooth.

Suddenly I heard a crack and a metallic snap and I actually saw my tooth go flying out of my mouth and over the left shoulder of the Doctor. The nurse’s face told me she saw it too while the doctor appeared to be momentarily stunned. Getting a grip on himself the doctor proclaimed in a loud voice, “We must find that tooth!” With that, the nurse and Doc were walking around in front of me scouring the floor with their eyes like they had lost a contact. This soon degenerated into both of them on their hands and knees, crawling around on the floor looking for my lost tooth while I slowly bled to death in the chair above them. Just as I thought it couldn’t get any worse the nurse jumps straight up with a smile of triumph on her face and shouts,” I found it!” The Doc takes it from her and says there is a piece missing and comes back to me all earnest like and begins poking around in my poor destroyed mouth. He exclaims that he can’t find the broken piece and that I’ll have to go down to x-ray. So they take all of the devices off of me and down the hall I go with cotton stuck in my mouth and a piece of cardboard for the x ray that “has to stay in place until the x-ray is over” never mind the way it’s cutting into my gums (the ones that aren’t numb).

When I arrived at x ray there was a line. It took 45 minutes for me to get to the machine. By this time I’m bleeding down the side of my mouth and my face is swollen and bulged from the cardboard as well and I walk into the room and the x ray Tech says with a bright smile, “ And how are you today?”. I told her it was safe and she took my picture and I went back to the dungeon. In the chair I wait for another 45 minutes until the Doc has the x ray. The Doc decides that he indeed got the piece after all and that I was free to go. I was given Tylenol 3 for the pain and sent back to duty.

So, today, if you ask me when my last visit to the dentist was I’ll say,” It’s safe”.