Having been born and raised in the city of Miami (sphincter of the nation) I have been privileged to its ever colorful and constantly changing scape of denizens. I assure you the beautiful city was normal once but one wouldn't have a clue from the delinquent cast of Bravo TV's newest disgrace, Miami Social.

Imbued with psychotic knife wielding foreigners, a buffet of dysfunctional dalliances, exorbitant spending, haughty pretentiousness, illogical fashion choices (Imagine it! A forty-something mother wearing a pair of tube socks pulled up to the knee and Daisy Dukes), I believe Bravo has a new train wreck of a hit with its crazed depiction of what Miami has evolved into... Doucheville.

Where has the magic of Miami gone you ask?

Answer: Up there noses.

There's a residential street called "Cocaine Alley" for a reason kids. This is where blow got its big break. The eighties were high times (literally) for the city of Miami. The big buzz on blow simmered after the constant raids and crackdowns began but of course that would only pave the way for new designer drugs. However, the coke fairies were still dusting the noses of the more loyal addicts. And now it seems the bitch is back... cocaine has made a bigger comeback than Britney and the cast members of Social seem to be reaping her benefits.

Hardy, the train-smoking club guru of team Douche has a tendency to display the betraying nose rub more often than others. I'm certain being a prominent fixture of Miami's night-life doesn't help his case except he seems to be on the white train at all hours. I could be wrong but probably not.

George, the mortgage banker (aka loser) and also owner of a rabid Russian bitch named Lina (his white-eyeliner-wearing girlfriend) is the epitome of Miami men. Advise for George: Castrate yourself. You shoulda' stuck it out with Sorah buddy!

Anyhow you'll have to wait to catch George drunk (not hard) before his coke-head jaw grinding and eye ticks kick in.

Ariel, ah Ariel, the mayor of Doucheville. So young, so immature and ignorant, evil lies in the acidic pools of his sour mind alongside the white residue in the canals leading to it. The influence of Miami is definitely evident in this devious character. You have to watch the scene where he checks on the progress of his custom-made desk which he claims he won't be using but for sex with his clients (I don't doubt him one bit).

Now the girls are a delicate yet thorny subject. I haven't watched the show religiously (because I can't stomach it), but from what I have seen I can tell you if they are coke whores (like the rest of that douche scene) they do a good job of disguising it.

In any event Miami Social is a rich spectrum of ignominious wretch across the board. The one I feel most sympathetic towards is poor Miami who has unfortunately become a surrogate mother to the douche bag coke heads who roam her polluted womb. I wish she would just abort them and tie her tubes so I might apply to be re-adopted one day because despite the fact that I hate Miami now it will always be what I call home.

Thanks Miami Social for reminding me why I left in the first place. Bravo!