I was going through hubs trying to see how those scores work. ( It seems like As long as you write about a "no brainer" subject you get a high score. It doesn't matter if your hub actually helps anyone, delivers what it promises in the title or even if it is well-written. . .but, I digress. . .)

I found a hub on a "no brainer" topic I had not previously seen: The "Top 5 Annoying things(sic) about(sic) Men." Of course! Complain about MEN!

You can't write hubs complaining about a specific race (unless it is your own OR Caucasian.) You can't complain (too much) about women without suffering some kind of sexual backlash BUT you CAN complain about men!

No one counted on ME!

I don't care about my own health, welfare, safety and popularity. I'm a teacher (among other things) and it is time to educate someone. Class is now in session, ladies. (Will those of you in short skirts please be seated. . .in the front row?)

Women do some things that annoy or just plain confuse men. I have not taken a survey as the author I am responding should have done to make the claims she makes but every man has dealt with a woman and had pet peeves. But you know men (?) we tolerate and ignore sometimes because we are nice guys who realize that no one is perfect (and sometimes out for fear of "sexual retribution").

After very little careful thought and consideration, and a decision to not specifically point out grammatical errors and typos, I now present a male viewpoint on the "Top 5 Annoying things" we men (supposedly) do.

NOTE:The female complaints and comments appear in italicized font and quotes and I will address each complaint in the order in which they were posted.

"Number 5: TV is mans best friend":

No, a DOG is. . .not TV. You can ask my kids. I do not sit in front of the TV like you claim your father does. You won't find ME "watching TV practically glued to the screen."

In order to be "practically glued to the screen" I would have to be so close to it that it would hurt my eyes or make hair grow on my palms or something like that. See? Most men listened to their moms when they were little boys.

"The worst part is when men are pretending like they are actually listening to you talk while watching their precious Football."

Sorry, honey, some men bring their favorite teams bad luck when they watch--as do I-- and some do not even take an interest in football.

"The way they usually reply is with various grunts and an occasional "mhm that's terrible" or "that's great honey" based on your tone of voice."

Okay, I am confused. First it appears you accuse us of not paying attention to you and then you criticize the quality of the responses you get? Oh please!

(I'd suggest you make up your mind before getting into this topic but I am sure you would point out that it is a woman's prerogative to change her mind.)

You credit our ability to communicate with you on our "sense of a woman's tone". If not for that you say " a lot of men would be sleeping on that couch 24/7." Thank you for your support. As I said, we men don't always straighten you out and list all your annoying habits due (partially at least) to fear of sexual retribution.

Thank you for proving my point! On to your next complaint!

"Number 4: Is that your hand in your pants..or are you just happy to see me?"

Am I happy to see you? I don't know. Are you naked, wet and ready to put a smile on my face?

Boner jokes? Damn, I thought a woman was writing the list! So is it more mature when a woman does dick jokes? I was just curious. Shall we continue here?

"What is the issue? Why do you guys itch so terribly bad?"

If all the guys you know itch terribly then maybe you need to, as they say, consult your local physician. I'd be willing to try to help you out but I am but an extremely experienced amateur gynecologist.

"I don't even know what to say."

That hasn't stopped you so far.

I'm just sitting there minding my own business until I hear this scratching sound. Its not the sound of someone itching there scalp. Sounds like a hand full of crotch. (Hope I'm not being too vulgar.)"

Exactly what does a handful of crotch sound like anyway? Is it anything like the sound of one hand clapping? Oh, don't worry about "being too vulgar", we LIKE that. . .as long as it isn't in front of our mothers, okay?

"I think all men have a problem they need to get checked out. That much itch can't possibly be good. (No picture needed..The mental image is good enough.)"

Again, if all men you hang with have issues with your crotch YOU could be the one who needs to see a doctor. Now that we've clarified that issue what else is on your mind?

"Number 3: How do you turn off your brain like that!?"

I am hurt. The very question offends me. On the other hand, being able to control MY body--even a part of it-- might suggest some type of--dare I say it-- superiority? (I won't come right out and say it because that would just be stupid!)

"Us women can't stop thinking. . ."

How does that go again? It seems you are capable of writing faster than you can think though if that is any comfort.

"My ex did it all the time, If we sat in one place for to long he would just turn it off. I looked over at him once and I asked him what he was thinking (cause he looked kind of dead) and he said "nothing". I didn't believe him at first. Until I looked again an hour later and he really looked like nothing was in there."

So you're comparing all men to your ex? You don't see a problem there? By the way, you know you all rewrite history, right? When you are dating us or married to us we are all Mr. Right but once there is a break up you all demonize us.

Out of curiosity, who broke up with whom anyway? Seriously, sometimes when we say we are thinking of nothing , we are nicely saying we are thinking of nothing you would want to hear. Again, you really shouldn't compare all men to someone who could have simply been burned out by dealing with your complaints about ALL of us.

"Recently scientist's new theory is that people might not remember as much from their childhood because their brains weren't as developed then. People say that women mature faster then men. Maybe our brains do to and that could also be why men don't remember your birthday or anniversary."

I have heard that girls mature faster than boys if that is what you mean. What you fail to mention is that eventually we DO (at least) catch up to (if not surpass) you.

Not all men forget birthdays and not all men even HAVE anniversaries.

"To all the guys who stumble upon this article: DONT GET MAD! Its just a thought I never said this was true proven fact."

We KNOW it's just a thought. We KNOW it's not a fact. Trust me.

"If any man would lie to disagree and say that they never have had a thought less moment, please do! I don't like the thought of someone being able to stop thinking as much as someone else. It sounds unhuman life."

What? You need to re-read that one. The typos lost me. Maybe we should just move on here to the next complaint.

"Number 2: Can you control your self for at least 5 seconds 5,4,3,2,1.."

Are you kidding? Undress, stop talking, get on all fours and brace yourself and we can FINISH in 5 seconds.

"Yes it's a natural thing, and it doesn't feel that bad at all either."

If all you can say about making love is "it doesn't feel that bad" then you must be doing something wrong. (Is my phone number on my profile? If not, you can always e-mail me.)

"Is there anyway you can control your urges?"

Yes. There is. If you would like to help just recite the list of annoying things and talk about your day or shopping and we will be totally in control.

"I don't know if I can say the actual word on this site (it said no vulgarity or something) so I'll just use the replacement they used in Sex in the City "Coloring"

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6DBT_ONAjE). You know sometimes its not that I don't want to color its just that I'm to tired to color! So put the crayon away and sleep next to me!"

Sometimes we men say we're too tired, too, but be careful. Sometimes we use that excuse when we are no longer attracted to you. When you say YOU are tired do you mean that, too? because we all know sometimes you say one thing when you mean another. For example, you say NO when you really mean YES.

"I think my boyfriend might be a coloring addict...He just never wants to stop."

You should be happy if your boyfriend wants you all the time. it means he still finds something about you that is enough to arouse him. Besides, what are you gonna do? Bring over a bunch of your sexier girlfriends for an Intervention? What if they decide to enable his addiction? (You ladies did get those jokes, right?)

"I'm pretty sure we want it more. Like its obvious that we want it more."

Well, if you want it more, ladies, then why complain when we still want you? Right?

"We just know to be civilized we have learned how to control the urge."

What? Reread what you just wrote, honey! By the way, when you do it right, there is nothing "civilized" or controlled about sex! Do you watch too much English porn?(Extra credit to the first student who can tell me from which TV show the English porn reference comes!)

"If we don't control our urges we are referred to as harlots or someone who gets around a lot (I'm cleaning up my language but you know the real words.) And no matter what anyone says those words sting."

You know what the difference between a slut and a bitch is? A slut has sex with everyone. A bitch has sex with everyone but ME! But seriously, you miss the point. You act like a slut all you want as long as you are slutty just for one of us at a time! Don't you know?

We want you to be Madonna or Lil Kim in the bedroom and June Cleaver or Martha Stewart in the kitchen?

"Men. . .get praised. And sometimes I think that they get praised because obviously they are just wild creatures in the first place."

Men DO get praised. Welcome to the classic concept of the double-standard. What is okay for us is not okay for you ladies. It's been around for a long time.

Allow me to explain. Sex is like Archery.

Boys have arrows. Girls have targets. You can shoot the same arrow over and over again at several different targets and the arrow shows no sign of wear. However, the minute that target has even one arrow shot into it, it no longer looks perfect. Once there are a few more arrows shot into it, it is obviously very worn and never exactly the same.

"Anyway I got off topic."

It's okay, honey. As regular readers of my writing know, I, too, regularly digress. . .

"Women, when it comes to your man there is nothing wrong with giving into the urge sometimes and coloring until he doesn't want the crayon to come out of the box for hours."

Okay. That's a better attitude. Drop "sometimes" from that and you can compete for the title of Queen Crayola!(In fact. . .I gotcher JUMBO Crayola right here!)

Next!

"Number 1: Getting up to go pee..Ending up bathing in toilet water. ugh!"

You end up bathing in toilet water? Gee, how much of a little girl are you, anyway? Good for you though keeping that weight down to a reasonable number!

"Please PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!! There is nothing worse then getting up in the middle of the night- From a steamy dream about Leonardo Dicaprio or Shia- and realizing you have to go pee but once u sit down all the sudden your in the toilet you are in it..And it is the sickest feeling.

Its simple men. Just pull up the seat, get your business done, then put the seat back down. DO NOT leave it UP. Just put it down and the gap between men and women won't even be that wide anymore."

Okay, despite the grammatical errors and typos I think I get your point. You want us to put down the toilet seat when we are finished using it so you don't have to actually look and pay attention to what you're doing. Where do I begin?

Turn on the light when you go into the bathroom. If WE don't turn on the light and miss the target you all complain. . .at least those of you who still clean the bathroom yourselves. . . It's very easy to see what position the seat is in with the lights on, okay?

Yes. it's very simple. Just reach out pull the seat DOWN, sit down and do your business.

See, here is something you all don't think of, ladies. If we put the seat up and LEAVE it up we will never, ever accidentally get one single drop of pee on it.

Think about it. All that extra exercise of putting the seat up and down will burn so many calories you will all be sexy and thin again. . .just like you were when you got a hold of us!

Damn, ladies! This whole toilet seat issue really sets back the women's movement!

You know how hard your ancestral sisters worked to convince us you all were smart enough to vote? Do you know how hard they worked to see to it that you could take a job away from a man and get the same pay and still be able to go home early when you have your periods and take lots of time off when you get knocked up?

Shame on you modern women not being able to lift a toilet seat! All right then, ladies. If any of you need more help and attention or want to earn some extra credit you may stay. otherwise, class dismissed.

(I hope I schooled you!)

My name is Phoenix and . . .that's the bottom line!