Middle Child Syndrome
70Middle Child Syndrome
Middle children often are the forgotten children. This is especially true if the older sibling happens to be the same sex as the middle child. I was a middle child who had an older sister and a younger brother. My sister was the first born so needless to say received tons of attention. By the time I came along, everyone was hoping for a boy, but instead they received me. My younger brother came and everyone was once again excited. I tried in the beginning to get attention but after several failed attempts I just started to act like I didn't want attention. I built a protective barrier around myself. My barrier was a smart mouth, bad temper, and constant back talking and complaining. This was very effective in keeping everyone at a distance. I then told myself that I was rejecting them, not them rejecting me. I think that middle children learn to be independent survivors. All children need love, affection and a feeling of belonging. If you do not receive it, which is very common for the middle child, you go through life distancing yourself from others. As a parent now of a middle child son who has an older and younger brother, I make sure to follow the following steps to help him avoid the same pitfalls of my childhood:
1. Always be affectionate, even if they try to push you away, they really want it!
2. Spend quality alone time with your middle child.
3. Take time to listen to their problems, disappointments, hopes, and dreams.
4. Take an interest in their activities.
5. Tell them that they are important.
6. If they try to distance themselves from you, tell them that you know what they are trying to do and it won't work because you will love them anyways.
7. Do not point out there bad qualities and ask them why can't they be more like their brother or sister.
8. Do not let them hide behind their sarcasm, anger, or bad attitude. This is just a cover up for a deep longing to be loved!
9. Be patient with them, they are good at controlling situations and lashing out to protect themselves from their self imposed barrier.
10. Last and most important, tell them that you love them, hug them and then when they test your patience, do it again!
The ultimate goal is to raise healthy, happy and well adjusted children. Middle child syndrome is very real and these kids seem to need extra special attention to establish a worthiness of being loved and accepted. Take the extra time needed to care for your forgotten child!
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Comments
HI Lisa, like you, I am the second female child, followed by a name-sake son who followed my dad as "the Third" in my father's profession. I was completely ignored. Rebellion, drinking, drugs, were all silly because my parents didn't notice, so I lost interest in self-destructive behavior. My older sister and younger brother fought constantly, and I was always caught in the middle. I was left by myself. I don't remember anyone talking to me in my family, and realized in my twenties that I really didn't have an awareness of social norms, boundaries, self-awareness, or any other social skill as a result. I don't think anyone ever asked me what I thought. All of that was fairly pathetic and lonely, but generally benign. I was gifted in math and pursued a very successful career in engineering. But, I regret not being prepared for personal relationships, which led to three divorces. The issues there were lots of opportunity (men like pretty girls, even those without interpersonal skills and attachment issues), inability to screen guys who had their own issues, and - disinterest in maintaining a relationship. Now in my 40's, while I really love my friends, and have many wonderful people in my life - though not close enough to crowd (my best friend lives hundreds of miles away) - I tend to be reclusive. I love my work and am grateful for an intelligence and passion I could direct toward supporting myself and my kids. But, if there's anything in my otherwise successful life that I could point to as a true, lasting, and significant obstacle, and source of significant frustration and sadness, it would be the negative effect of my birth order and early family life. It can contribute to depression, and a feeling that I guard against, a feeling that I really have no business being here. I'm really supposed to be somewhere else. This is someone else's party. Not mine. Oh well.
i have 3 siblings i am one of the middle ones i feel angrey all the time and feel negitave and unloved could i have mcs
I have a siter that is 3 years older & a brother that is 6 years younger. I have read the views & professional opinions written by the authors of articles referring to this subject. Many of the symtoms to "Middle child syndrome" fit my lifestyle like a glove. The aftermath of my situation has left me bitter & angry!
i am a 14 year old boy and considered to be a middle child. i have an older sister an younger pair of twins (one a boy and one a girl). by my relativesi am excepted by my parents and siblings i am not . the only one in this house hold who kind of excepts me is my older sister. my parents take my younger siblings side all of the time and hardly ever my side. for example my little brother and i share a room together. tonight we were told to clean our room and we start a few minutes later my dad walks in and says to my little brother "go watch TV in the living room" then he tells me to finish cleaning ( the room was still a disaster).
i try to spend as much time withe my friends as possible so i can stay there in sted of at my house . my friedns except me. what do you think do i have middle child syndrome or not?
I'm the middle of 3 girls. Funny how similar all these comments are...none of us seem to be tight with our families and have much closer relationships outside the family. I'm 38 and want to encourage the younger middle's that you'll be alright. It's a sucky birth order, but seems like we're all tougher, more independent and balanced than many others. It's ok if you're not tight with your family now. You may never be...I love my family now, but my closest friends are still outside the family. Don't feel like you can't go out on your own, even get away from them...if that what it takes to succeed. I've been very successful and did it on my own, despite being in the middle-or because I am. I'd recommend Keven Lehman's "Birth Order Book." He even jokes that the Middle Child chapter is the shortest-he's a psychologist and sees fewer middle's than any other birth order because we've been beat up so much as kids that we just learn to adjust to the trials of life. And, we're pretty private and tend to work stuff out on our own, too...we end up being "better" adults than our siblings because we're used to getting crapped on & know how to deal with it. Donald Trump is a middle child! God values as a middle child, even if your parents & siblings don't. Hang in there
I'm pretty sure i've got middle child syndrom, maybe something worse. My parents always make me do eveyone's chores around the house, and then i get no reward for doing it. Once in awhile i get something nice (like an ipod, which got stolen) and im not really sure how to explain but they all bitch at me
wow i should print this out n show my mother .I always said to her i was treated diffrently and she swears thats not true .i beg to differ though beimg 19 yrs of age i still feel jus like how i felt when i was a child in my sister shadow my younger brother in all the glory my father fav was my sister and my mothers was my brother and it was like whos gonna love me more .Ive become such a angry little girl that grew up to be a angry teen and im almost 20 and that anger is there but the more i become more independent it dosent phase me as much but memmories can kill.
Christina,
I know how you feel, that's exactly how I felt when I was your age. I always had tons of friends and had a closer relationship with them than I did with my own family. The way you are feeling is normal. My older sister was also very mean to me. We didn't have much of a relationship. As we got older, she apologized for how she treated me over the years and we do have a very close relationship now (which I too NEVER thought would be possible).
Unfortunately our self-isolation tends to force everyone in our family further away because they also feel rejected by us. It tends to be a vicious circle......
Have you ever told your parents how you feel? Maybe you can print this article out and put it on their bed.
I specifically tried to use this article to help parents UNDERSTAND how to deal with MCS and give them some insight and tools to help them improve their relationship with their middle child.
I'm sorry your having such a hard time! I hope this will help you a little bit. Parents just don't "GET IT" sometimes!
Hello
I am 14 years old and the middle child of three girls. Nothing I do is ever good enough for my parent's attention. I thrive socially but I'm my family i am the loner. My siblings (age 16 and 10) always leave me out of things. and My little sis is the favorite of my mom, dad, and grandma. My older sis is the favorite of my aunt, and grandpa.....I dont have anyone in my family that i can talk to. I push them away cause I know they wont think im good enough. My friends support me and i can tell my best friends everything
MCS has made me more independant and responsible than my sisters. But sometimes i want to cry because i feel so lonely at home, i often stay out with friends and dread going home because when i do i dont feel welcome. i feel like my family gangs up on me sometimes, and my mom seems to be angry with me all the time and not have any patience for me. Like today she was pissed at me and snapped at me to take out trash, and other chored while she sat at the table talking to my older sis....and they were talking about me too....i could here them and i walked back they stopped talking.
it sucks that im not even close to my sister and cant trust them with info.peole say that i will be closer to them in the future but i honestly dont see that happening...i want to move away after college bacuse i cant stand to see them treating me like shit
hello, i'm the middle child of seven children and i suffer from mcs severely, but i only recently became aware of it. i have two older sisters and one older brother and then three younger sisters. my brother is the second oldest. I've been in the shadow of my sister just above me my whole life, she has outshone me academically but even she says im smarter than her but i just dont care. i dont get along with really any of my siblings except one, and my youngest sister is definitely the baby of the family. she is very spoiled and gets away with everything, always manipulating my mom.
I noticed i was different from the rest of my family in fifth grade, i started noticing that i wasnt paid that much attention and thats when i started acting out in school and my grades started slipping. i was a major rebel, i hardly spent any time at home when i was in my freshman year of high school. i felt very alone at home, the only times my parents would notice me is if i was doing something bad. i've suffered through depression and sought out drugs to heal my pain. i eventually got out of the downward spiral by relationships with adults at my church and that helped me build a relationship with God. my pastor and his wife have been like second parents to me, they give me special attention, respect and love my family has never given me.
its nice to know that im not the only one who has felt lost in the shuffle but its really bad with seven kids
thanks
Hi I am not a middle child but I do come from a family of three. I am the baby the baby of the family. I am just write for my sister who is the middle child and will never speak up on how it hurt. She put up with alot and I feel bad for her...My older brother and I use to fight all the time and my sister had to step in and be in the middle that waas the only time she was seen. Even though I looked up to her it didn't help. My parents didn't see her as you said she was the forgotten one. So for all the middle childern out there speak up. Let your voice be heard because you are important and special.
I love you
The best sister in the world
Rana,
I'm sorry to hear all that you have gone through and continue to go through. I know that we can never erase our childhood and the feelings and emotions that continue to cause us pain, however there is hope. What I have learned over the years is that you CAN overcome your negative feelings and lack of self worth.
1. Focus on what you like about yourself (make a list). This is a hard first step because we've learned to focus on the negative for so many years.
2. Post your list up somewhere that you can see it everyday (you need to remind yourself of your good qualities.)
3. Positive self talk- Instead of the usual negative talk that runs through your mind, try to stop it the second you think it, ie. (I'm worthless, even my own parents didn't love me)...stop there and say (I'm smart and I can achieve anything I set my mind to. My parents didn't have the capability or knowledge to show me the kind of love I needed, but that doesn't mean they didn't love me).
Becoming a parent made me realize that we are not given a handbook to guide us in dealing with each childs specific needs. We can become overwhelmed with what's going on in our own lives and not give our children enough time/love to meet their needs. Your parents love you, they are just incapable of showing it the way you need them to you. This last sentence may take time to get used to, but think back on some of your happy childhood memories. There were times when I'm sure you felt their love.
4. Don't base your self worth on what your family tells you. Reach for your dreams and stay positive. All parents put their kids in a box...he/she's the pretty one, he/she's the athletic one, he/she's the smart one. Don't stay in that box.
I recently heard a story about a very poor lady in India who had a child whom the Dr's said would never be able to walk. The lady loved her child and made a box, tied a string around her waist and pulled the baby everywhere she went. The child got bigger and started shaking the box. It would tip over, the mother scolded the child and went on again. Eventually the child shook the box so hard it tipped over and broke. The mother went to pick the child up...but the child began to crawl over to a wall, and pulled himself up. The moral of this story Rana is, SHAKE YOUR BOX! Your were made to accomplish great things. Find your life purpose and do not let your past control your future.
It will take hard work on your part, but it will definitely be worth it!
hi, i am a middle child, older sister (a year and a half older) younger brother ( 6 years younger)
i grew up knowing that ia was different , my sister, i don't think she wanted a younger sister cause she never one tried to get closer to me and well i had my younger brother's attention till he was six then that went away cause while i was the affectionate and thoughful sister my older sister was the cool one and the one he looked up to since that time on, and from that timeon i became practically un noticed
, ya i felt al the characteristic middle child syndrome issues while i was groing up but my brother's love helped me through that and when i lost it cause i wasn't cool enough that was when my personality really changed, i instead of being blessed with a happy spirit and kind nature i became less ppatient, obedient, good, less honest, it was like everything good in me just evaporated and i still constantly feel like i was a disappointment to my parents, although i excelled in my studies more than my sister did yet she continued to be the spirit of the house and my brother its soul, everything they do is funny and natural while everything i do seems so wrong, i am constantly being critized cause of what am not and constantly being ignored bout what i am, i had depression for the last 4 years, of and on and i refuse to take my meds cause i know that even if the meds make it an ounce better things won't change and the fact is that nothing ever is going to erase bad childhood memories, the feelings of incompetence and to top that i was bullied in my childhood at school and i never told my parents except when i grew up years later and what do u know, they didn't believe me they said i never said a thing, anyways i am not here to dwell on bout how it sucks being a middle child and how my talents were never acknowleged by my parents, my writing, fast reading, maybe the only thing i was apraised for was my brains, am the smartest of my sibilings but even that was apraised by "if only you knew what a gift your brain is......" cause although am not a hard worker but i can sum up all the info which takes others hours in half the usual time, but what am here for is to know how can i overcome my feelings, my bitterness, my anger, my fraustrations, my jelousy of my sblings cause they never realized that a parent's love is really all what u need in this life????? how can i overcome all this and it is not by talking to my parents cause i had "talks" but it never did any good cause the really don't believe that middle child syndrome is true and they are always accusing me of being oversensitive, what can i do to make my life better?
I never feel like i'm being heard,i always feel like i'm in my older sisters shadow and i never feel like i'm showered in love like my younger brother. Obviously i am a middle child. Nothin i do is special because my sister, has already done it. I argue with my boyfriend alot because he does not believe that mcs is real. He tells me that the order i was born does not determine my personality, he claims your personality is determined by how you were raised... which brings me back to MCS, you are raised according to the order in which you are born. I'm really trying to break out of this bubble i put myself in. I dont know what to do, i know my family loves me, but i never feel loved, or special, i'm just the ordinary child. i'm not the oldest.. i'm not the youngest, i'm nothing special. this really has a hold on me.. what to do?
All of which you have said is what I really do want and what happened to you, happens to me. I'm 13 and I discovered this very day that I have middle child syndrome. Thank you for writing this, because I would never know what was wrong with me if I didn't.
Bill,
I can appreciate your comment regarding "ANOTHER SYNDROME," however as you point out, you were a middle child who chose "not to dwell on it, accept it, deal with it, get over it and live your life.
Your comments reflect that you also had issues because you were a middle child. If you will notice, I directed my article towards parents who are raising middle children, in hopes that with a little bit of information regarding how a middle child feels, they will be better equipped to understand their middle child's needs, thus avoiding the need to learn to "accept and deal with it" in the future.
Just what we need. ANOTHER "Syndrome" producing yet more psuedo victims of something/anythig. I'm a middle child, too. Instead of dwelling on it, accept it, deal with it, get over it and live your life.
MCS is real! I am a middle...., an older brother and younger was a sister, both athletically and socially what parents wanted. Me i was an inconvenience and was basically told to go do whatever i wanted to get out of their hair... i did just that!
I was a loner and therefor verrrrrrrrrrry lonely sometimes, other times it was great not to see anyonelse around as i hated most other people because they would never take the time to understand me. A few adults cared thank God, and it was their care that pulled me from the brink of truly destroying myself.
I wanted to run away a few times and talked about it w/ an aunt of mine who wanted to adopt me and had even set up a room for me if i ever needed it, i thank God for her.
I also talked to my grandfather who would always help solve my problems and be my beacon back to hope to get through the things i was going through, didn't realize until he passed in the letter he left me how much he thought i hung the moon, i thank God for him too!
Today i have successfully come through as a normal, well adjusted adult, some by talking to therapists, some by exploring books other times just realizing that stage of my life is over and i can close the book on them and the past any time i want...i forgive that poor lost girl i used to be for what she did to get what she thought was love and hold her in my heart to always remember we all make mistakes.
MCS hasn't broken me, although my heart bares the scars and my emotions are so raw somedays like a delicately spun blown glass christmas ornament that somebody carelessly and hatefully shot out w/ a bb gun, somedays i bawl other days i am fine, most days are good days..... all are a gift from God who is and has always been there for me through it all even though i didn't him back then.
thanks for starting this webpage, glad we MC's have a place to vent.
Hi..
Im a middle child too, a girl with an elder sister and a younger brother. I relate very well to this article: I distanced myself from EVERYONE both at home and at school; unfortunately I was forced to attend the same school as my sister. I was never commended for my achievements, the only thing I almost ALWAYS got was 'You're like your sis.' This really frustrated me, especially since I'm a self-made person; I was not coached and guided towards achievements like my sister. I'm now in college where no one knows my family, doing well as always, but, for the first time, getting credit for my own hard work: this really motivates.
At nineteen years of age (I live on-campus), I've finally broken that barrier around me, making REAL friends and having wonderful teachers who don't compare me to anyone. I've finally realized that people ARE nice, and life isn't so bad after all. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. Back home, I could NEVER be myself: everyone knew my parents and I was nothing more than my sister's shadow.I felt SUFFOCATED. A change of social circle and atmosphere, and, in my case, SEPARATION, does help.
Middle kids are also very artistically inclined; there is NO NEED to be ashamed about this (though I was made to feel inferior because of this). Artistic people are intelligent and multi-talented, as I was told (and encouraged for being one) in college. I'm now doing law, a totally different course from my family's tradition of doing medicine, and am ENJOYING it!
The key is to concentrate on YOUR strengths, YOUR personal evaluations, not others'. Be proud of yourself, find alternative sources of motivation if your family doesn't provide you any.There are so many people out there willing to have you. The world is your oyster!
Just BE YOURSELF, and enjoy it! :)
Kiara,
Thank you for your comment! i hope my Hub was able to help you a little bit. Just know that your parents do love you, however they don't know how to relate to you (we usually wont let them see that we are hurting.) Maybe you could slip print this Hub out and slip it on their bed, just a thought...if they were more aware it might save you YEARS of heartache, hurt, self-doubt and bad relationships.
Hello! I can relate to this article more than any one I've read. I'm sixteen and knowingly suffer from MCS. I, too, find it better or easier to seperate myself from my family, since i feel seperated from them anyways. I'm bitter towards my little sister, because deep down i think i blame her for this. Before she was born, i was fine. Me & my older sister have an amazing relationship though. I just never really felt a since of belonging in my household. Always the odd one out. Im blessed to have friends that i love, but i also find myself surrounding myself with people, so i can make up for what i lack at home. I was in search for a "cure" almost, and have been unsucessful. Because so many other people suffer from this, i know there has to be some kind of help. Again, great article :).
Yes ripplemaker, I can see how being seen as a child who can do no wrong and always being able to shift all blame to the younger sibling could be tough.....
NOT
Being an eldest, middle or youngest child can be tough if parenting skills are inadequate. I was the oldest and I had my share of tough times too. :-) Great tips for parents!
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MCS Victim says:
2 weeks ago
I read your story and I feel the same exact way. I am a middle child at fourteen years old going on fifteen in April. I have an older brother that's eighteen going on nineteen in March and a younger brother that is thirteen. My older brother wasn't very good in school since he had ADD. So now that he's out of high school and me just starting high school, they're really hard on me. I hate how they want to control my life when I'm trying to live the way I want to. I also have a bad temper and somewhat of a smart mouth and I always complain. I try not to cry typing this because remembering all that I've gone through, I see that I suffer from this pretty badly. I am often the one at family gatherings that never speaks out when not spoken to. I have to be spoken to to speak. I don't really have a good relationship with my parents or younger brother, but my older brother and I seem to get along pretty well. I have a lot of friends that I love and I can tell them anything. I don't tell my family anything. They don't even know the real me. They make assumptions and that make me angry and push them away them even more. I don't think my view on my personality will change because of this. I love this article cause it comes from the view of a middle child who has experienced all the pain we go through. Thank you so much for posting it.