I was never very materialistic yet I still had a lot of stuff. I took a year off from my practice and sold items on Ebay. Going to auctions several times a week enabled me to become a younger whiter Fred Sanford. The old saying " one mans trash is another mans treasure " may be true in some instances, but my trash was really becoming trash even to me. I didn't set out to be a minimalist: I wasn't thrifty or a coupon cutter or even a bargain hunter, I just became depressed. I was trying to open my own practice and the auction money was drying up. It seemed that everything was falling apart or going wrong. It was, and still is a tough transition point in my life but I did learn that there were things that I just didn't have to have in my life. So rather than calling myself down on my luck, poor or just a lazy jackass, I prefer " minimalist"

Some people have a system when it comes to housework. My old girlfriend would change the sheets daily, clean the bathroom every other day and run the sweeper pretty much at any opportunity.

I preferred to be more time and energy efficient. I relied on nature to guide me as to when and how to clean. If GOD didn't want my toilet to be green, my urine would have anti fungal properties. Who am I to upset the balance of nature? I knew it was time to clean the toilet when the mushrooms we too tall to put the seat down.

One night while lying in bed counting naked sheep, I heard the dreaded sound of water running. I passed it off hoping it was just the dog peeing in the corner again and tried to fall asleep but the sound persisted. I went to the bathroom to find out that it was the toilet. Not being a plumber or member of any recognised HAZMAT agency, I opted to just turn off the water and hoped that the tidy bowl man would return from his long absence to clean and fix my toilet. When I returned to the toilet the following spring, I opened the lid to find what appeared to be a hard candy shell on top of what was once water. Lucky for me I had another toilet downstairs that could be used once I filled up all of the empty shampoo bottles in the tub.

Result water bill went down

I am not very mechanically inclined. I always just thought that the closer the dirty dishes were to the dishwasher, the easier they were to clean if they ever actually made it into the dishwasher. One day after sitting down to eat a bowl of cereal I realized that my spoon was indeed really a fork that had solidified sour cream between its prongs. This prompted me to seek out the proper Fruity Pebbles eating utensil from the " less used": pile of silverware in the sink. Not finding any viable candidates, I was overcome with guilt and disgust which prompted me to load the dishwasher. The amount of dirty dishes, pots, utensils and underwear in the sink far exceeded the comfortable capacity of the appliance. This coupled with the fact that I was low on detergent put me in quite the quandary. I stacked and stuffed as much as I could into the dishwasher and filled the reservoir with all the Cascade I had plus some windex and Mop and Glow. I turned it on and returned to the sofa with my cereal and spork.

An evil crunch erupted from the kitchen. Sounding eerily like a church bus hitting a bus stop shelter, the sound caused me to jump up, spilling my red and blue milk onto the carpet and the dog. I went to investigate and after prying open the washer door found that one of the golf cluns had jammed the propeller thing that disperses the water. This caused the heating element to burn a hole in the plastic, rendering my washer useless(er). I didn't feel a loss as I used it about as frequently as I use my treadmill. I just use the sink and I am getting along fine.

Result: Water bill decreased. Liquid dish soap is cheaper than automatic detergent.

A few weeks later I went whistling into the kitchen to fetch a glass of bovine body fluid. Upon opening the refrigerator I was greeted by the life awakening scent of bacterial cultures. I waved my hand atop the mustard bottles and former apples searching for pocket of cold air. Not feeling anything but the fermentation of cream cheese, I quickly opened the freezer door and checked the ice trays. Had I ever bothered to fill them with water, they would have served as accurate indicators of my fridges condition. I then felt the soppy puddle of fudgesicle mixed with half eaten pizza and the fear struck me. I quickly returned to the lower half and jerked open the lettuce crisper and as I had suspected, my beer was warm. Crushed and thirsty, I closed the door and waited for the cold box to spring back to life much like it had several times since 1985. Three weeks later I gave up hope. I went without a refrigerator for almost a year and I actually lost weigh because I didn't snack. I did break down and buy a small dorm type fridge to keep my ice tea cold and to appear somewhat normal if I should somehow lure a woman to my house.

Result: Less electricity and wasted food.

One night while watching weather channel reruns on tv, I stabbing myself in the foot with a fork when I realized that I had no feeling. I then noticed that I could see my breath and feared I was dead. After remembering that dead people don't usually breath I went down to check the heater. I recalled from physics class that fire needs air to burn and since air was free I eliminated that as the issue. After tapping on the side of the oil tank and hearing a long and empty echo, I narrowed the problem down to two things: I was out of oil or there was a dead blond in my tank. Recalling that I haven't brought a woman home in months, I was saddened to know that I was out of fuel.

A quick call to the oil company was met with a stern reminder that I owed them money and that I would get more oil when hell freezes over. I asked if a toilet freezing over was close enough and when the profanities and threats subsided I hung the phone up. I headed to home depot and bough a space heater. I can only be in one place at one time is what my mother used to say all of the time. I figured this was sage advice and applied it to my situation. No sense heating the whole house when I could only be in one place at one time. I brought that space heater with me everywhere like an oxygen tank.

Result: less oil costs.