Miscarriage: My Story
64On September 28th I started bleeding early in the morning. I was worried, so that evening I went into the ER. They did an ultrasound to check if I had lost my baby. The baby was fine. I saw it moving around. That was such a reassurance. I can't tell you the joy I felt when I saw that my baby was safe and fine. The doctor said to go home and take it easy. He said that bleeding is normal in a lot of pregnancies. The next day I started bleeding more. I was concerned, but the baby was fine and the doctor said it was normal. By the next day I was getting huge blood clots so I went and got insurance for myself. I called the hospital to see if I should come in. They told me they couldn't give me that info over the phone and I would just have to make a decision. I decided that I had better go in. Before I got a chance to get up, I felt a drop. I knew it was the baby, but I was too scared to check. I finally went in the bathroom and checked, and there was nothing there. Again, it was such a relief and I knew I had to go in right away. I sat on the toilet and the baby fell out. I saw it. It was that same baby that I had seen alive and kicking just 2 days earlier. Now it was laying at the bottom of my toilet dead. My child had died. I can't explain the pain I felt- or the pain I still feel. People try to comfort me by saying that I'll have other children. I will love my future children, but they can never make up for or replace this one. This was a person. This was my baby. I loved this child. I would talk to it. I kept a journal for it. I thought of all the things we could name this baby and do with this baby. This was my child and I can't just forget it or get over it. So where do I go from here? I don't know. All I know is that I want my baby back. I want it back so badly. I wish that I could go back and change something, yet I don't know what I could change. I don't know what I could do to make it any better. People tell me that it's not my fault and that I shouldn't blame myself, but those words are not comforting. There is the possibility that if something was different this baby could have lived. Maybe it's not my fault. Maybe there's nothing I could have done differently, but how does anyone know. I just want my baby back. I want it so badly.
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Were you able to take the baby into the hospital? Sometimes the doctors (the pathologists) will look at the baby and the placenta and can diagnose a problem, either with the placenta or the baby. They can also look at the chromosomes. This might answer some of your questions and give you peace.
We could have taken the baby to the hospital, but we had no idea it would do any good, so we didn't. Later I found out that might have been useful. The baby came out in the toilet. We didn't know what to do with it, so we left it there for a few hours. We finally flushed it. I felt so wrong doing that, but I didn't know what else to do with it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Is it too personal to ask how far along you were? I lost a precious baby several years back. While in the ER, the doctor kept telling me it was a good possibility the baby was fine because there was a high level of pregnancy hormone in my blood. I asked her not to give me false hope, and she kept reassuring me she was not, but when we went upstairs for the ultrasound, I could tell by the look on the man's face he was not. The tech's "comforting" words to me were, "This is mother nature's way of dealing with the bad ones." I still feel extreme anger toward him for that. There are no "bad ones". God makes every baby perfect in His eyes. For whatever reason little Ryan didn't live outside my womb, it had nothing to do with him being "bad". Disabilities aren't "bad". Children who lived past their first 9 months in their mommy's bellies who have disabilities are worth just as much as those who are not.
I know what pain you are going through, and I know there is nothing I can say to make that hurt go away. You are not alone.
I was only 10 weeks, but those were 10 wonderful weeks of getting to know the person that lived in me and was going through all of this with me for each day of those 10 weeks (and we knew were pregntant a week before the tests (4 to be exact) would confirm it.
How long you were pregnant makes no difference on your grief. I was sasking out of curiosity, and to find out how similar our stories were. You're right, you had 10 WONERFUL weeks with that precious baby! As difficult and heart-wrenching this is, I think you are extremely grateful for that short time, right?
Again, I'm sorry for what you are going through.
AEvans says:
14 months ago
Sweety I experienced that myself and I have a beautiful son and also a step-daughter. We grieve as we are human but do not allow the other children to suffer for the one that was lost. There could have been reasons, what if the child did not fully develop how would you handle that? What if you carried the child all the way to full term and the baby died of Sids what would you have done? God had a plan and you will never know what caused the miscarriage however be thankful for the ones that you have now.