Miscarriage: One Week Later
63The Feelings of a Mother
I feel so empty. Where has my child gone? Why did it have to die? Was there some other way? Is there something I could have done? I just want to go back and do something different. I feel so helpless. My child died and there was nothing I could do to change it. It just seems so wrong. What kind of parent would let her child die? Yet what could I have done? I just want to go back in time. What if I had gone on complete bed rest? What if I had not lifted the other children? What if I had stopped drinking coke? What if I had eaten better? What if I avoided the speed bumps? What if I had seen a doctor sooner? I mean, what if something could have been done? I have no way of knowing if anything could have helped. If I could go back in time I would make every change I could. I've hurt before, but there is no pain greater than a mother's pain when she loses a child. I saw my baby. I saw it alive and kicking. I was so excited looking at my little child, and just two days later I saw my child dead and lying at the bottom of my toilet. Why did it have to happen this way? Why? Why is all I can ask. I want my baby back so badly. It hurts. I can't even explain the pain. And I feel so empty. At times I can pretend that nothing happened, but when I look in the mirror and don't have a round belly, I'm reminded that my child no longer lives with me. I will never forget this child, and I hurt because it never got to experience a real life. It never got to know it's family or experience our love. Oh, I miss my child so much. This baby will always be my baby. If anyone asks me how many children I have, I have three.
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Comments
I'm so sorry to hear this. I miscarried when my oldest was 14 months old and then my 3d child had a twin we lost. I grieve for them nearly daily, but at the same time I remind myself that we wouldn't have the kids we have now if we'd had those we lost. I find that allowing myself to grieve helps. So many folks say, "Oh, get on with it - you have X number of healthy babies." That's true, and I'm very grateful, but a loss is a loss. Take care.
Misha says:
14 months ago
Poor thing... You always will remember your baby, but the pain will subside over time... You will remember the joy of the baby growing inside, turning and kicking, you will remember the joy of looking at the screen of this funny device... You baby is fine now, all his/her pain is behind...
And don't blame yourself - I am pretty much sure you did not do anything that caused this. You would have known exactly if you had. You know, I got a feeling that babies pretty much control the process. And I guess your baby just decided for some reason he/she does not want to come to this world anymore...