Monday Night Raw -- July 21, 2008

Looking for my crack on the most recent RAW? Go to Monday Night Raw.

Solid RAW from top to bottom. To my surprise, William Regal wasn't "re-hired" to restore order. AND there were no attempted murders. AND CM Punk still holds the title.

Let's relive the adventure known as the July 21, 2008 Monday Night Raw.

Theme of the Week: JBL Ruins Everything

To begin the show, Batista comes out to the ring. He gets a MAD face pop. He says he's putting himself in charge of RAW so he can make a rematch against CM Punk. But that's it, everybody else can do whatever, if they have a problem, they can talk to him but he doesn't care about anything except his title match.

How selfish! Very immature.

JBL Ruins Everything

Enter one JBL, via titantron, to tell us he will get the next title match.

Batista tells JBL to come to the ring, so they can discuss.

JBL says NO WAY. He doesn't answer to Batista. He says he's not in the mood for a title match tonight because he's going to "finish off" Cena in a 6-man tag, instead. After dispensing with Mr. Cena, he'll have a title match at Summerslam.

(Huh? As if "finishing off Cena" isn't lewd enough, how will JBL do that? Don't you need to go one-on-one for that kind of thing?)

Anyway, CM Punk runs in. He says he gets to decide who will have the title shot. JBL puts up a fuss, but Punk tells JBL to shove off, and then has "words" with Batista.

Now, I believe the proper etiquette for exchanging words requires that two people sit down in a quiet place and hash out their differences privately, like gentlemen. However, CM Punk is oblivious to this common courtesy, so he has this conversation on the microphone, so we can all hear him. Very rude.

Punk says he wants to defend the title against Batista, so he can prove that he can beat Batista cleanly. Batista agrees, and the match is ON.

How novel -- a rematch of a pay-per-view title match. Very creative booking.

JBL starts going crazy on the titontron, but gets muted. This is actually funny, and WAY overdue. Brilliant. They should do that everytime JBL comes on screen.

A Tale of Two Promos

After a commercial break, Lance Cade does a run-in on Shawn Michaels' entrance music. I guess he needs more rub before he gets to run-in on the actual Shawn Michaels.

Cade puts us to sleep with some promo where he calls out Michaels even though Michaels is all beat up from the previous night. Like Mr. Punk and Mr. Batista, Mr. Cade asks to have "words" with Mr. Michaels.

Then, he squashes Paul London in a three-minute match. No HBK to be found.

Instead, Chris Jericho emerges from the back. Announcer Michael Cole asks rhetorically whether Jericho will be remembered as the man who ended the career of Shawn Michaels. Or at least his hair. Did you see the bald spot Michaels is getting?

Anyway, Jericho plays a reel of HBK's brutalization at the Great American Bash. It shows the crimson mask in full force, except in black-and-white.

Jericho blames the fans for inspiring Shawn Michaels to fight -- really, get his ass kicked -- even though he wasn't physically able to compete. He goes on to give the same spiel he's been giving for weeks.

He says he's matured, grown up, and seen the light. He's proud of what he did to Michaels, and considers himself "saved" by ridding WWE of the immoral filth known as HBK. Then, he said he was forming a tag team with God, symbolized as a beam of light, to face Vince and Shane McMahon at Backlash.

No, that was a ridiculous storyline from 2006. Jericho just stood in the ring as we went to commercial break. Regardless, I still can't understand this storyline. Maybe it's just too deep for me.

I will admit, Jericho's promo blew Cade out of the water. It's like watching Aaron Rodgers run a few plays, then watching Brett Farve run a few plays...there's just no comparison.

Surprise, Surprise

After the break, Beth Phoenix beats Kelly Kelly in a surprisingly competitive match. Kelly shows some aggression and performs some decent high spots...and looks sizzlin' hot doing it. Beth pretty much hits one hard slam and an implant buster to win.

Then, Hacksaw Jim Duggan comes to the ring to tell us he's getting old and thinking about retiring. SNOOZE. Yea, ok, the guy's been through alot, and he was a big star in the 80's, but I gotta support him on that decision.

Lawler runs in, says there's no age limit in the WWE, gets the crowd to chant USA, and convinces Duggan to stay. Speaking of Brett Farve...

On cue, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase come out and sass the old boys for being old. Lawler slaps Cody and the tag champs basically run away. Way to put over the tag champs. Getting backed down by some baby boomers.

(If WWE is teasing a DiBiase/Rhodes v. Lawler/Duggan match, that's one thing I do not want to see.)

But this leads to our aforementioned 6-man tag match, CTC v. Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase and JBL (henceforth known as CTJBL). I predict that JBL will see roughly 15 seconds of ring time. The guy's back is totally shot, I can't imagine he could go any longer.

No Surprise, JBL Ruins Everything, Surprise!

To start the match, Cena goes over on Cody. Then Shad goes over on Cody. Somehow, Cody squeaks out a tag to DiBiase, who gets planted by Shad. After some back and forth and different people tagging in, CTJBL gets JTG isolated for while. He fights back, but they beat him down hard. He fights back again, but they beat him down harder. Just when we think JTG can't take anymore, he fights out of a DiBiase leg scissors, hits some quick offense and tags in Cena.

Cena cleans house, then schmazzes with JBL for, oh, 15 seconds, until JBL runs away. Cena then SINGLE-HANDEDLY demolishes Cody and DiBiase, and finishes the match by picking both of them up in a fireman's carry at the same time, then giving them an double FU. It was pretty amazing. Highlight of the night. Easily.

After this PPV-quality feat, Cena goes over to hug his dad, who's sitting in the crowd. Nice touch. Classy stuff from a guy who recently sprayed "JBL is Poopy" on a limosine.

Only Try To Realize the Truth -- There Is No Intercontinental Title

In the next match, Kofi Kingston and Mickie James take on Paul and Katie Lea Burchill...again. Basically, the match sees the men go full force while the women hit two wrestling moves each and schmazz a little. Kingston crushes his ankle into the ringpost trying to high-kick Burchill on the outside of the ring. It looks REALLY bad, and he sells it like it's legit. Seemed an awkward way to end a match...who knows.

(Good thing Kingston's not wearing a real title, or there'd be a story line to sell!)

Backstage, we see Jamie Noble trying to hit on Layla some more. Batista asks him where Kane is. Noble brushes him off -- not a good move. Batista jacks him up against the wall, tells him to tell Kane to come find him, and drops him to the floor.

JBL Ruins Everything

So far, I've been very entertained. That changes quickly as Todd Grisham interviews CM Punk backstage. He asks Punk "Why are you defending the title tonight?"

(Dumbass. Weren't you listening to the promo at the beginning of the show? Pay attention, dammit!)

Anyway, Punk starts talking but JBL runs in to tell us he intends to wrestle the champ at SummerSlam, whoever it is.

(Riiiiight. Heard that one before, buddy.)

ANYWHO, the classy person would respond to this by saying:

"Take your flab and get to steppin, you big sack of mashed potatoes. The divas are supposed to have the biggest breasts around here, old man. Slim down or get down, but I don't wanna see your face around."

But Punk is not classy, so instead, he reminds us that he beat JBL in his first title defense.

(BOOYAH! Take THAT MammaJuwanda! Up your BUTT!)

After another break, Santino gives another funny promo, then jobs to D-Lo Brown. Fortunately, Santino leaves the ring with his neck in tact, which is more than I can say for some people who've had matches with D-Lo.

On an aside, it's good to see D-Lo back in the mid-card, where we last saw him. Hopefully, this will give Michael Cole plenty of new opportunities to use the word "vintage."

Inexplicably, after this match, Beth Phoenix and Santino have a little wrestling/flirting match, which culminates in a well-timed, well-executed kiss. Both look shocked, disgusted, and intrigued, but I suspect that Santino's days as jobber are about to end...

Hey, wait, Santino's a MARRIED MAN!!

Oh, yea, he's "Italian" so it's ok. It's normal over in Italy, right?

JBL Ruins Everything...er, this time, it was Kane, Then JBL

Which brings us to our main event: CM Punk v. "The Animal" Batista. As expected, great stuff. Kane chokeslams Batista before the match, and the ref almost calls the whole thing off until Punk goads Batista into competing. Great way for Punk to show some intensity.

(but would it kill somebody to give Punk a clean win with no interference?)

This match was pretty much all Punk. He mixes in some MMA-style maneuvers, some nicely-placed kicks, some submissions, lots of headshots...really keeps Batista off balance.

Batista responds with big-man power moves. Spinebusters, clotheslines, and such. I think at one point the fans started chanting "boring" when Punk had Batista in a guillotine submission, but I really enjoyed this match from start to finish.

Punk pretty much dominates most of the match, but Batista catches him with a desperation power bomb and starts a babyface comeback. Just as he signals for the Batista Bomb, Kane runs in. DQ, match over.

Way to ruin a great match at a pivotal moment.

Suddenly, all hell breaks loose as JBL comes out, too, which leads Cena to come out. Soon, we have full-on schmazz among the top contenders, with Punk nowhere to be found.

Cena "accidentally" punches Batista. Enraged, Batista attacks Cena as the show goes off the air.

In case you missed it, after the cameras stopped, Cena told the crowd that he's not going to apologize for hitting Batista. He called it "The Punch Heard 'Round the World."

Really? I thought it was "the punch that set up a match between John Cena and Dave Batista at SummerSlam..."

Cena really needs to cut out the hyperbole. I've said my piece on this in several other cracks, I will not repeat myself here.

Raw ReWrite

Tough to say. I really like how they're playing the top contenders off eachother, and the undercard is starting to come alive. Here's a rewrite that comes out of left field, but essentially is a rehash of a traditional storyline, with a twist:

JBL retires...to become a member of the Board of Directors.

No joke. He says he originally came back to win the title, but then he just wanted to beat Cena. But he did that at GAB. He's sick and tired of the disrespect, the mayhem, the lack of authority he's experienced since McMahon left.

So, he retired, bought 18 million shares of WWE stock and got elected to the board of directors. He's going to use his influence -- and the lack of McMahon's influence -- to make life miserable for each of the Raw superstars.

Every week, JBL will bring a "shareholder resolution" with some crazy stipulation or major disadvantage, culminating in, say, six or eight weeks -- maybe at a PPV -- where, after a WWE heavyweight title match, JBL brings a "shareholder resolution" to make JBL the champ.

Just think about the heel heat he'll get.

Oh, and the first shareholder resolution? Hiring William Regal. Regal and JBL form a heel combo.

And maybe, to bring things together, Rhodes and DiBiase decide that finally, they have some old people to look up to, and align themselves with JBL. Regal says he agrees, that talent shouldn't have to pay dues. JBL says he saw what the kids can do, and he likes their agression, and they're the perfect vessels to deliver JBL's vengeance.

Eventually, Kane joins them. When Randy Orton returns, he forms some sort of uneasy alliance with the faces to confront these guys.

The McMahons end up either supporting JBL, or deciding they can't do anything because he's on the Board.

Oh, I could go on and on and on!