Monday Night Raw -- June 23, 2008

Looking for my crack on the most recent RAW? Go to Monday Night Raw.

Three hours of RAW. It's like a pay-per-view! Except with a bunch of commercials and some people winning money. And some wrestlers switching brands.

Actually, I thought this show was pretty decent. It way exceeded my expectations. Snooze on the million dollar mania, but some good booking.

Theme of the Week: You Got Swerved

(secondary theme -- Vince Buries ECW)

First, the rules of the draft -- the winner of each inter-promotional match earns a "random" draft pick for their own brand. The promotions get one announcer to commentate each of their brand's matches.

Triple H and Mark Henry start off the show with a typical face squash. Triple H gives Henry a DX crotch chop and proceeds to put Mark Henry in a headlock (not what I would call a veteran move). Henry throws Triple H off, then starts pounding him all over the ring. Henry plods around the ring with all the speed of a lobster, but puts on a bunch of power moves -- head butts, body slams, dropping elbows, the whole shebang, pounding and pounding on Triple H. He even hit a Vader-Bomb on H in the corner.

Triple H fights up from every pin attempt. Eventually, he regains the advantage, hits the knee lift, and knocks Henry down. He goes for a pedigree, but Henry counters into a body slam for a near fall. Henry misses a splash, H gets back up to his feet, hits a pedigree and gets the win. Just like that. John Cena couldn't have done it better.

Raw gets the first pick...Rey Mysterio!

Sweet. This guy can GO. But he's rehabbing from a bicep injury, he won't be able to compete yet. But it's something to look forward to.

Million Dollar Snooze

Next, Vince does a million dollar mania giveaway. Kelly Kelly helps out (it's good to be the Vince, as Mike Adamle says). She dials some Jabroni who sounds like she's on queludes, and there's crazy screaming in the background. Even though this jabroni gives the right password, Vince tells her she's wrong. In a massive irony, Kelly has to correct him. Then, she does a dance.

Backstage, Triple H tells Rey he's stoked that Rey's on Raw. Rey says this is a great new beginning.

Then Cena comes in. He's like, "I'm confused, you said you don't want this to be personal, but you keep making it personal."

Triple H says "enough BS, I'm mad about losing two years ago b/c I'm better than you."

Cena's like, "wanna be the man, gotta beat the man."

Triple H is like, "until you take this belt from me, you're nothing."

digga DAMN.

A Tough Job, But Somebody's Gotta Do It

After commercial break, Carlito/Santino job to Finlay/Hornswaggle. Santino mocks Hornswaggle to get him in the ring, and in a brilliant move, gets on his knees and invites Hornswaggle to hit him. Horny hits a mini stone cold stunner, which lays out Santino.

Horny tags Finlay, who eats a hard Santino clothesline and falls to the outside. Santino goes for a baseball slide, but Finlay moves out of the way, wraps Santino in the ring apron and starts wailing on him. Carlito comes to help, but Horny takes him out with a flying clothesline (ridiculous. poor Carlito). Some more mayhem with a shillelagh, and Finlay pins Santino for the win.

Smackdown's draft pick -- Jeff Hardy.

I am devastated. He's one of the most entertaining guys in the company, and now he's off of Raw. I guess the TiVo will be doing double duty now...but at least Jeff and Matt are back together.

Orton is backstage watching Hardy strut at the top of the ramp...he looks tre' pissed off. What's that about? Orton won his feud with Hardy...

After a commercial break, Orton comes out to the ramp. He patiently explains that he's only there because he was forced to be. But since he's there, he has a message for Cena and Triple H. They better wish he gets drafted off of Raw, because if he stays on Raw, regardless of who has the belt, he'll be the champion soon.

Then, Vince announces the main event, Edge v. Cena. This is pay-per-view quality stuff, so I expect they'll get, oh, 5 minutes of ring time. Check out highlights from their TLC Match at 2006 Unforgiven PPV (not a great package, but the best I could find...you can do more research).

Vince gives away another $100,000 to some woman who thinks Triple H will beat Cena at Night of Champions. Great.

Next, Cody and Holly beat Chavito and Bam Nealy, with Ted DiBiase and Mike Adamle sucking it up on "the" commentary. Chavo and Nealy beatdown Cody for a while, but Cody responds with a hard dropkick and tags Holly in. After some schmazz, Holly hits Chavito with an alabama slam. Pin and win.

Raw gets CM Punk. (I knew this, read last week's Raw ReWrite). This kid is awesome, it's about time they got him off of ECW and gave him some exposure. Almost makes up for shipping Jeff Hardy off to Smackdown. Almost.

An Interesting Story Line Finally Emerges

Y2J comes out to the ring to crap all over the fans, and crap all over Shawn Michaels. Y2J says HBK is a sham, it's only a matter of time before he shows his true colors and stabs the fans in the back. Then Y2J plays a package of every time time HBK backstabbed somebody -- Marty, Deisel, Hogan, Cena, Batista...

Y2J says he won't allow anybody to cheer for him. He's not like any of us, he's honest, just like Lance Cade. Cade trained at HBK's now defunct wrestling school...he was once a protege.

Cade comes on screen to say, yea, Shawn made me, but I know he'll turn on me sooner or later, when I become a big star, so I beat him to the punch. Y2J gets that, which is why Cade's all about him. (This is a worked shoot).

Y2J complains that he has no opponent for Night of Champions because he put Michaels on the shelf two weeks ago...by putting him through a TV screen.

We all expect Shawn Michaels to show up any second. And so he does. HBK is sporting a bandaged up, busted up right eye, and he looks none-too-pleased as he tackles Y2J. They schmazz to the outside of the ring. Y2J shoves HBK's face into the announcer booth, and HBK sells some major injury. Y2J looks concerned for a second, then smirks as we go to commercial.

You Got Swerved

Next, we have Miz and Morrison against the Hardy brothers, made possible by the earlier draft of Jeff Hardy to Smackdown. Nice, creative booking. What fan doesn't mark out for the Hardy Boyz??

I actually was really into this match and I didn't want to take notes. Suffice to say, the match was pretty tight (nothing new for the Hardys) and too short (nothing new for Monday Night Raw). Morrison wins dirty with some underhanded tomfoolery.

ECW gets Matt Hardy. Is Hardy getting punished for something?? This was a major letdown in one sense, b/c the Hardys are legit solid...but at least ECW gets a new title.

Vince brings out Ric Flair to give some other Jabroni $100,000. Huge face pop. Flair dials like Vince and my grandma -- slowly and with one finger. But the jabroni on the other end of the line doesn't care about that, she just won some nice loot. Ric Flair gives us a WOOOOO for old time's sake, and we go to commercial.

You Got Swerved

When we come back, we get Victoria and Natalya against Mickie James and Melina. The winner gets to draft an announcer to their show. It looks like Melina hurts her ankle when she gets dumped off the top rope. It looks legit, but also looks like a work. Anyway, after a schmazz, the ref announces a double DQ.

Neither brand gets a draft pick? Announcers are safe? NO -- Both brands get a draft pick.

JR goes to Smackdown! and Michael Cole goes to Raw. Talk about monumental. That's crazy. Next week's RAW is sponsored by JR's BBQ, what kind of treatment is that?

Does this mean Michael Cole will be announcing the Triple H - Cena match at Night of Champions? Yea, that'll put the butts in the seats...

After a commercial break, Melina gets carried to the back, and I still can't tell if this is legit or a work. Vince brings out the Great Khali to give away some more money.

Vince says Great Khali is in Get Smart. He asks Khali to tell us about it. In perfect English, Khali tells us he was honored to be involved in such a wonderful cinema reel.

No, Khali garbles something for a few minutes while the crowd chants "WHAT?"

Then Vince plugs The Rock DVD, and calls some other jabroni, who tells Vince "wrong number" and hangs up on him. Khali goes ballistic, and starts yelling into the phone, even though nobody's on the line anymore.

Vince calls somebody else who puts Vince on hold for a second. Khali starts going off again. This is hilarious. Anyway, some other person wins $100,000.

Bona Fide Superstars Bring Redemption

It's 10p, and we get our main event -- Cena and Edge. At 10p.

ANYWHO, it's a back and forth match from the get-go. Edge gets some near-falls. He takes it to Cena, who sells all of Edge's stuff. Cena fights back, hits the flipping bulldog into a near fall. But Edge regains the advantage. Cena fights up, and they trade right hands. Double clothesline and both men down.

They get up a the same time, and Cena wails on Edge. He hits his flying body blocks, hits the give-knuckle shuffle and goes for the FU. Edge slides out of it, but Cena catches him again for an FU. Edge counters it with an impaler DDT into a near fall.

Edge sets up for the spear as Cena wobbles to his feet. Cena avoids the spear, catches Edge with a drop toe hold, and puts Edge in the STFU.

Edge makes it to the ropes but looks much worse for wear. Cena tries to take advantage but Edge puts him down quickly and climbs the turnbuckles. Cena springs up and puts Edge into a fireman's carry on the TOP ROPE.

Edge bucks off and shoves Cena into the ring post. Cena's momentum carries him down to the floor. I slo' mo'd the TiVo, and it looks like Cena took a legit ringpost to the sternum. Now, I've never had a ringpost driven into my sternum, but I imagine it is not fun.

Cena's down on the outside. Edge tries to capitalize with a cross body, but Cena catches him and carries him up the steel steps (!). He sets up for the FU, but Edge bucks off again. So Cena smashes him off the apron. Edge, scalded, starts walking to the back, and Cena wins via countout. Edge is like, Whatever.

Lame end to what could've been a great match.

Then, Batista blindsides Edge, who escapes to the back as we find out that the next draft pick is...Batista, who goes to Raw.

I see a theme...whoever's the last person to do something gets drafted.

Backstage, Edge is gloating that Batista got drafted. Edge is like, "finally Batista is out of my hair!"

But in a massive buzzkill, Vince reminds them that the title matches for Sunday are still on, so Edge will still have to worry about Batista.

No Swerves Here

Next, MVP faces Tommy Dreamer, with Mick Foley and Mike Adamle announcing. Did Adamle just call him Mike Foley?

This is a bit of a snoozer. The highlight was Mike Adamle telling us about how he knows some Playboy centerfold from 1982. Riiiiight. I thought Adamle was way more into Playgirl?

Well, to the surprise of nobody, MVP wins and Umaga gets drafted to Smackdown. Umaga comes to the ring, hits a samoan drop on Dreamer, and SQUASHES Colin Delaney in the corner. Damn, every time Delaney takes a bump, I think it will literally kill him. I can't even look.

After this snoozefest, Kofi Kingston carries JBL through a solid, solid match. Now, if you've read my previous cracks, you know I am not a big JBL fan, but for a 6'7'' sackfull of mashed potatoes, he can make a young man look alright. At one point, you could hear and see JBL calling spots for Kofi, but I'll let that slide, because this match actually turned out solid, with JBL hitting really hard offense, and Kofi responding with really exciting, acrobatic, athletic moves. To the surprise of nobody, JBL wins with a clothesline from hell (duh, ECW gets no respect).

Raw gets Kane...which is bizarre, because Kane is the ECW champion and facing the Big Show for the title on Sunday. Interesting...I wonder who will win on Sunday? That'll be a big show.

If you haven't noticed, Vince has been burying ECW all night. But he doesn't care, he proceeds to give out more dough. This time, the Jabroni is at the show tonight. In the audience.

Is this a work?

Crazy. I strongly suspect this is a setup, which is good, creative writing.

You Got Swerved

The show culminates with a 15-man battle royal with five wrestlers from each show, all representing their most recent roster. All of the wreslters were also featured earlier in the show.

Hmmm...way to let the young guys get a chance.

Anyway,I can't recap this, but the order of elimination is: Khali, Benjamin, Morrison, Miz. Punk.

(3 out of 5 ECW stars are gone. 4, if you're counting Punk, who's now a RAW superstar).

Jeff Hardy eliminates another ECW star, Chavito. Meanwhile, Matt Hardy, the only ECW star left, hits the twist of fate to Triple H (good to see Trip let somebody go over on him). Now that he's on a roll, Matt Hardy knocks MVP out of the ring.

This leaves the Hardys face to face. They look at eachother and realize they're now opponents. They fight a bit, but Jeff knocks Matt out of the match with a mule kick. ECW is officially eliminated.

And officially buried.

Then, Edge and Batista crash into eachother going for spears. Unless the TiVo lied, they definitely cracked skulls together. Skull-to-skull collision -- a concussion-causing impact. I think Batista got legit busted open the hardway, and he is way out of it and can barely stand on his own. Edge is really out of it too. It looked pretty intense.

Anyway, Triple H eliminates Jeff Hardy and gloats for a second. Batista hits the spear on Edge, but gets caught by the Big Show. Show tries to send Batista over the top, but Batista holds on for a few seconds. After a struggle, Show finally puts Batista over the top rope.

With Batista out, Kane and Show get into it. Show tosses Kane over the top, leaving Show, Triple H, Cena and Edge to compete for the win. Note -- all these guys put Cena over BIG TIME during his rise to the top.

Show hits a double suplex on Cena and Triple H. Edge is still woozy, so Cena and Triple H double-team Show and throw him over the top rope.

Out of nowhere, Edge throws Cena into Triple H, causing Trips to go over the top rope. Then, Edge blindsides Cena to toss him out of the ring. Edge wins. Smackdown gets the last TWO draft picks...

Mr. Kennedy and Triple H to Smackdown (talk about shocking. Trip's been on RAW for like a decade!)

Somewhere, a Randy Orton is weeping. How will he get his revenge on Triple H??

And, Triple H must be exceptionally livid with Cena, who essentially cost him his dream job on Raw.

Then Vince gives away $500,000 to some jabroni, but it wasn't me, so I don't care. But, in a very creative twist, the set begins to fall apart all around Vince. First, a boon falls. Then, the pyro technics misfire. The stage collapses, and Vince gets crushed by the scaffolding. EMTs and rescue personnel arrive to tend to Vince, who yells he can't feel his legs as we go off the air.

Then, a limo blows up. (no, no, but it was about one year ago that McMahon "died.")

What better way to get out of million dollar mania? Prediction: Vince comes back, has an epiphany, and realizes that life is precious and he can't be shipping out millions of dollars each week.

Raw ReWrite

This night was full of surprises. Why bother trying to rewrite? Let it be...for the first time in weeks, I was entertained, surprised, refreshed...let's just stay on that note, and I'll complain about something next week.