Monday Night Raw -- June 9, 2008

Looking for my crack on the most recent RAW? Go to Monday Night Raw.

Ummm...million dollar mania?

What the hell was this nonsense? Watching Vince McMahon listen to Rick Astley's classic "Never Gonna Give You Up" while trying to figure out how to use a telephone? If that's not insanity, I don't know is. Totally bizarre.

I don't know about you, but I tuned in for the Hardy -- Triple H main event. Y2J/HBK highlight reel was a nice perk.

Unfortunately, I had to sit through this million dollar nonsense. I say it again and again, give me the money and I'll work out who wins, Vince. Just focus on giving us some good wrestling, and let me take care of doling out the cash.

But to no avail.

So, here's the show, from SlimJim's perspective.

Theme of the Week: The Return of Insanity.

(I wrote about insanity alot in my earlier cracks, but the past few weeks were relatively sane, so I didn't have a chance. Until now.)

Ok, so Vince comes out to announce the "million dollar mania" password: "we can't book a good wrestling show anymore."

No, no, the password was "WWE Universe."

Entertainment Takes a Back Seat to Insanity

Then Mr. Kennedy and Paul Burchill have a match. Kennedy dumps Burchill over the top rope early in the match. Burchill hits the floor, then recovers and rushes back into the ring. Kennedy keeps the advantage until Burchill hits a back suplex that bangs Kennedy's head into the bottom turnbuckle. Now, nobody's ever dropped my head into a turnbuckle, but I suspect it's very dangerous and a good way to zap a person's neck.

In a show of bad sportmanship, Burchill does not apologize for botching the move. Instead, he goes on the offensive and gets some near falls. Kennedy fights up and hits a sweet double roundhouse to knock down Burchill. After a quick exchange of counters, Kennedy hits the mic check. Match over.

Then, Katie Lea Burchill steps into the ring and SLAPS Kennedy. As Kennedy recoils, he gives Katie Lea this look like, "WTF?? Are You INSANE??"

But before anything interesting can happen, Burchill hits the Twisted Sister from behind. Boos all around.

So, while we're in a festive mood, Vince calls our first million dollar jabroni. This jabroni has Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" on his phone, which is embarrassing enough...but then, when the poor guy picks up the phone, Vince hangs up on him! Like he can't hear the other side of the phone...

You might think it's insane, but I've worked for several rich, powerful old people, they actually don't know how to use technology of any kind, they usually get somebody else to do it for them.

Vince is like: "Hello? Hello?" and some stammering voice keeps responding. The guy's name is Daniel something, but he sounds like Stephen Hawking. Vince tells him he won $200,000. Daniel starts to say something like "this is unbelievable!" -- but Vince HANGS UP on him...again!

Insanity.

If You Like Women's Wrestling, Watch TNA

Next, we have Mickie James and Beth Phoenix in a non-title match. I forget, what does the women's title mean anyway? There are only three women wrestlers on Raw. It's like when my buddy and I used to compete for the beer-drinking champion of the universe (I lost, but later won the Inter-Galaxy championship, a secondary title).

ANYWHO, Beth tosses Mickie James around like a rag doll until Mickie hits some fast offense and lands a Thesz press from the top rope into a pin fall for the win. Then Melina runs in, wails on Beth and gives her a cool-looking variation of a bulldog from the top rope. Thus, all the female wrestlers on Raw are featured in a meaningless match. Awesome Kong would not be impressed.

Then we have more Vince McMahon calling more jabronis. I think somebody won $75,000. But it wasn't me, so I don't care.

The Return of Insanity

After a commercial break, Cena and Triple H give a cliche nose to nose staredown. Cena says everybody's talking about the two best going for the title at Night of Champions. H says he's always been about being the best, and he is the best. Cena says the one time they fought, Cena won. H says that was two years ago, what's that gotta do with now?

And then, in a bizarre bit of insanity, they agree to continue this conversation later.

WHAT?? What a horrible way to end a promo! How about they just send each other text messages next time. "btw can't talk, rents calling, gtg, lol, ttfn, xoxo bff"

More insanity follows as Vince brings out special guest Charlie Haas to help with the next million dollar mania call. Except Vince misdials (wtf? this is 2008, learn how to make a phone call). He tries again, dials correctly, but gets no answer. He tries a third time, and the line is busy.

Insanity.

So anyway, a lady named Donna Rose picks up (finally). Vince says he'll give her $100,000 if Charlie Haas kisses a diva. Charlie is game, Maria comes out and they swap spit.

Then Vince says Donna gets another $75,000 if Charlie kisses another diva. Charlie is game, Mae Young comes out and mugs him. Ron Simmons comes out for a DAMN! and we go to a JBL promo as Mae dry-humps Haas.

JBL says nobody deserves Vince's money, but Cena deserves the whoopin' he's gonna get from JBL. riiiiiight.

Why the hell am I still watching? I'm such a mark...

Flabs vs. Abs

Cena and JBL have a stinkfest with Triple H as guest commentator. Typical Cena match, he gets the crap kicked out of him for a while, then hits four of his five moves of doom, gets knocked down again, but then pulls out the win. Except this time, with a small package, which is a nice change of pace from a guy who has made his career on power moves.

After the match, he gets in a (cliche) staredown with Triple H again, but this time on top of the announcer table. H backs down and steps off the table like he's gonna leave. Then, out of NOWHERE, he sweeps Cena's legs, puts Cena on his back, and struts up the ramp.

Does somebody have a wittle bit of egg on their face?

The Return of Insanity

More money mania (ugh). Vince says Lillian Garcia's measurements are 38-24-36, which adds up to 98, so he'll give away $98,000.

Now, Slim Jim has been around the block enough to know that, even though Lillian's in great shape, she is definitely NOT 38-24-36. But I digress...

Entertainment Again -- But With a Tiny Dose of Insanity

Finally, we get the Highlight Reel. Y2J tells the world that Shawn Michaels is his mentor and inspiration. Shawn Michaels comes to the ring.

Y2J continues to flatter HBK. He says HBK is the man, and HBK showed tremendous heart in the stretcher match. He says the fans support HBK every way they can, no matter what he does.

Y2J goes on to say that HBK got cheered more than ever when he superkicked Y2J. He says this is quite an accomplishment -- after all, when Y2J tries to be honest and upright, he gets booed for it. And the fans love Y2J. Double standard, anyone?

Y2J goes on to ask how, given all that adoration, did Shawn Michaels turn out to be such a lying, cheating, pathetic little worm of a human being?

And, out of nowhere, Y2J decks HBK. They schmazz, and then Y2J nails HBK with a hard kick to the crotch. He trash talks HBK, shoves him face first into the Jeritron (a flat panel TV suspended above the ring), and tells him the worst is yet to come. Y2J walks to the back as trainers attend to a badly beaten Shawn Michaels, who's curled up on the mat surrounded by shattered glass.

Shades of the Barber Shop Incident. Poetic justice?

On an aside, is it a just a little insane that Y2J is zig-zagging between liking HBK, hating him, liking him, etc? I love the guy, but this just wasn't working for me. I did like the execution, though, just not the scripting.

After a commercial break, Cody and Holly job to Umaga and Snitsky. Holly is tre' pissed off.

Hmm...the tag champs demolished by two jobbers.

Enter one Ted DiBiase, who says the two better get their act together because their time as tag champs is running out. I write about this in this week's Raw ReWrite.

The Return of Insanity

Ugh, next we have Murdoch giving a rectal exam to a donkey, Jillian skinning a cat alive...I mean, Murdoch and Jillian having a sing-off.

Then, some more insanity with some poor woman winning $2, and then another jabroni winning $200,000. The jabroni curses on live TV, but I'm sure the $2 woman had much worse things to say if they hadn't cut her off immediately.

After another commercial break, Cryme Tyme defeats Carlito/Santino in a tag match. I like all these guys, and the match was ok. A little back and forth until Santino and JTG knock eachother down with simultaneous right hands. Shad comes in, kicks the snot out of Santino, waves off some nonsense from Carlito trying to distract him, and puts Santino out with some kind of front russian leg sweep maneuver into a pin.

Vince invites Cryme Tyme to give out some money to another jabroni. This jabroni is named Will. When he picks up the phone, he's pretty nonchalant when Vince tells him he won $51,998...he's like "huh. great. thanks. later, bro."

Money, money, yea yea! But none for Slim Jim...wtf?

A Blip of Entertainment to Redeem This Show

Main event: Triple H against Jeff Hardy, with Cena on commentary. Sweet!

The fans are popping Hardy chants like crazy as the match begins. After some back and forth, Hardy hits a spinning mule kick, then a high mule kick using the ropes as leverage. He gets near fall, and he's all over Triple H until Triple H hits a spinebuster. Both men go down.

Triple H gets up first and dominates Hardy for a while, with Hardy kicking out of several near falls. Triple H slings Hardy into a corner and rushes in for a clothesline, but Hardy blocks with a kick, wails on Triple H, sends Triple H into the ropes and goes for a back body drop.

Triple H catches Hardy with a stiff knee to the face, covers for a near fall and pounds on Hardy a little more. He stops to mock Cena. Hardy attempts a quick Twist-of-Fate, but Triple H sidesteps it, then knocks Hardy out of the ring. After slamming Hardy face-first into the security barrier twice, Triple H tries to fling Hardy into the barricade with a full head of steam.

But Hardy reverses it and throws Triple H into the barricade. Triple H goes down HARD.

Hardy rushes Triple H as he tries to recover. Triple H hip tosses Hardy OVER the announcers table and into Cena.

(note -- I slo mo'd this on TiVo, and Hardy COMPLETELY MISSED Cena. Cena just fell out of his chair as Hardy sailed past him).

So, Cena is understandably upset. Instead of continuing his conversation with Triple H -- as he had promised -- Cena trips up Triple H as he was heading back into the ring. The ref counts out Triple H and declares Hardy the winner.

Payback, anyone?

Triple H is tre' pissed off at Cena. They have (another) cliche staredown outside the ring. And I'm thinking, how cool would it be if Jeff Hardy did a Swanton Bomb to take both of these guys out?

Well, that's almost exactly what happened. Hardy leaps the top rope and lands on both of them. Good, creative booking. Cena and Triple H down on the outside of the ring, Hardy gloating in the middle of it.

All is Insanity

Well, it's 11:10p, so I guess USA thinks the ratings are going well, b/c we're running over the runover time. Vince comes out again to tell us he's giving away another $1 million next week, and he calls some dorky sounding guy to give him $250,000. End of show.

Hmmm...we gotta go through this again next week? I may be taking a hiatus from my crack...maybe...

Raw ReWrite

My topic for this week is the Cody Rhodes, Bob Holly angle. Ok, I think I get what the writers are trying to do -- put more tension on the Cody-Holly tag team by making them lose a few matches heading into NOC.

I beg to differ on this booking. My rewrite (and this one is retroactive to two weeks ago):

Cody and Holly win every week heading into Night of Champions...but after every match, Holly makes some remark about how Cody needs to step up. For example, Holly wins the match tonight, Cody's excited, and they leave the ring. Then, backstage, we see Holly say something like:

"Cody, you're getting careless. We could've lost that match because of you. Get with the program, focus."

or

"Cody, you need to tighten up your clotheslines. You look like a panzy out there"

This goes on week after week, with Holly riding Cody for everything. We see Cody flash a little bit of aggravation, but do nothing about it. Meanwhile, DiBiase plants seed after seed in Cody's mind. "Hey, we're gonna take the titles..but not b/c you aren't up to par -- but b/c your partner stinks. Hey, btw, I think he's being a dick to you, too."

Maybe one time, he shrugs his shoulders as he walks away and says "Shame that anybody should be treated like that...I know I would never treat somebody with your talent like that..."

Cody and Holly keep winning legit heading into NOC. DiBiase brings his partner, whoever it is (I hope its Colt Cabana..what a character), and they basically get beat up by Holly and Cody. BAD.

But all through the match, Holly is telling Cody what to do. "Cover," he yells. "Hit harder," he yells. "Goddammit, you're going to lose the bleepin' match!"

Cody's cleaning house. Just as he has DiBiase down and out, Holly yells "stop fooling around and cover, for bleep's sake!"

Cody stops. He looks at Holly and starts mouthing back at him. Holly gets an indignant look on his face. His eyes get big, and he says "don't you talk back to me, BOY"

Cody goes ballistic. He takes out Holly -- I mean brutalizes him. He throws a limp, lifeless DiBiase over Holly for the pin. He storms out of the ring and up the ramp with a furius look on his face. Holly is lights-out, DiBiase looks up with a confused look on his face, which turns to a smirk when he realizes that Cody is ripe for the plucking.

Next week, Cody comes out and shoots on Holly, telling him he's a jerk and a bully who's been relying on Cody to shoulder the burden of keeping this tag team on top. Cody says he's not some little boy, he deserves respect and if Holly wants to step to him, he'll accept that challenge.

DiBiase comes out with a briefcase [implication that the briefcase holds a sack of cash]. He says "Cody, looks like you've finally dropped that bland, dim-witted albatross. How about you come join me?"

Cody's like, "I didn't do this for you, Ted. I did this for me."

DiBiase says, "sure, I understand. Well, if you change your mind, I'll certainly make it worth your while" as he strokes a briefcase and walks off.

DiBiase slowly forms a stable of young guys while Holly and Cody work an angle, with Cody going over at SummerSlam, legit. The next few weeks see DiBiase trying to woo Cody, but Cody refuses. Every week, Ted offers more and more money, more and more perks.

After one of those promos, Colt asks DiBiase why he wants Cody so bad. DiBiase says "it's not about Cody. It's about me. It's about getting what I want."

DiBiase and Colt have a title match against however's getting some heat at the time, like may, oh, how about Cryme Tyme? Anyway, the other member/members of the stable are on the outside. DiBiase and Colt are getting the snot kicked out of them.

Colt's getting beat down in the ring, with DiBiase on the apron looking to tag. The tag title is in jeopardy.

Then, out of nowhere, Cody runs in, schmazzes with the tag champs long enough for DiBiase and Colt to steal a win. Then, he hops into the ring, hugs DiBiase, and joins the stable.

Cody goes on to adopt a Ric Flair heel type of personality, and the stable takes a sort of young bucks type gimmick, like a mix between DX and the Four Horsemen. Except cooler. And younger.