Money and Marriage: Should they go together like a horse and carriage?
79More marriages break up because of money than any other reason. Not infidelity, not sexual incompatibility, not looks, not tastes. Those too, yes, but money is the one right on top of the list. Money is the root of most marital discords or, to be more precise, a couple's differing attitudes to money.
On the 10th of September, there was a snippet relating to this in the New York Times. Most readers would have missed it what with all that brouhaha over the LHC that day. However, if one were to think about it practically, it makes a lot of sense. Divorce lawyers who see so much of it up close will tell you that most divorce cases are about fights over money. Now why is money or the differing attitudes to money the No.1 home-wrecker?
Money vs. Attitude towards Money
In most marriages, it usually isn't about the actual money over which you brawl. It's about your attitudes to money. This doesn't mean that you need to be exactly like your partner - just that your attitudes to money need to be compatible. One partner could see money as the be-all and end-all of everything while the other could see it as merely the means to an end. Now if that end means spending everything you have on a whim, the tension between the two is bound to build up.
Money is not a bad word
Money is such an important part of any relationship. The trouble is most of us are brought up not to mention it. So what passes for good manners could just be detrimental to addressing one of the most important concerns in a marriage. The sooner we realise that it isn't money that is the root of all evil but the love of money that is, the better for all of us.
Money and Love are not mutually exclusive
The general perception is, it has to be one or the other. So you marry for love or you marry for money. However, when love flies out that window or door, it could well be because you didn't have the practical sense to talk about money and see what both thought about it.
Money: A comfort zone or a square of tension?
When the attitudes to money are compatible, any financial problem can be worked out from the same side, not from opposite sides. The trouble with being incompatible where the attitude to money is concerned is that very often couples, when first faced with the differences, don't really talk about it. So getting upset over a partner's attitude to money could mean blowing off steam at something totally unrelated. Again, it's that innate reluctance to talk about what is the main offender.
Love needs a Foundation
Money makes a good foundation to a marriage. (Religion does too, but couples with the same religious inclination can split over money!) Couples need to be different for the spark to be kept alive, yes. However, they can set future goals when both view money in a similar light. It just makes it easier for love to grow and not get strangled somewhere in all that mire of unspoken monetary tensions.
Cash Compatibility
If you're cash-compatible, the chances of you being in for a long innings are pretty good. And maybe all the moonlight and roses will be part of your happy memories for years to come!
The thing is, this isn't about what's right and what's not. Maybe that's why attitudes to money can be a good starting point. It presupposes no value judgements. All you need to do is to try and see that you choose someone who has the same attitude to money as you do. If you love money to the exclusion of everything else, find out if your partner does too. If you prefer to live on love and fresh air, with just enough to get you through life, find someone who thinks the same. So much of our lives revolve around money: savings, loans, mortgages, credit, investments, salaries. The first flush of love and attraction usually blinds us to the more practical areas of a relationship but when the haze clears up a bit, if you want what you have to last, take a money compatibility test before you walk up that aisle.
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Comments
I think you've done a great job with this subject! I actually wrote a comment this morning that included a similar discussion about money as an end versus money as a means to an end--I believe it should always be regarded as the latter, because ultimately, we hope for the security and buying power money provides.
In addition to similar views about the relative importance of money, I think relationships have a greater chance of success when both partners have a shared mentality of prosperity, as opposed to lack, since that will often influence how well a person manages his or her finances.
Thanks for adding the NYT article. Very interesting!
An old lady once gave me a piece of advice. She said, why fall in love with the second fiddle when you might just as easily fall in love with the conductor?
In my life I've found that money and matters of the heart haven't necessarily gone hand in hand, but as I'm now into the 18th year of my third long term relationship, I can confirm that in my experience it's not the amount of money coming in that's important so much as agreement about how's it's used.
Good hub, shalini!
Muser: Yes, it is - but we're so darned reticient when it comes to talking about money, aren't we? And I agree - 'Marriage is not immune to the power of money'.
Thanks Melissa - I guess most women see marriage as security as well so money plays a large part - albeit in most cases, silently!
Thanks Amanda - old ladies always do give the best advice don't they? Comes from practical commonsense I should think :) No, I agree - it's not how much but agreeing on how it is used that is the question.
Shalini, great hub! I used to practice law, and I saw many divorces, but not a single client ever asked me to draft a prenuptial agreement. None of my clients were well off, but they still managed to fight over money all the time. If they had been able to set some ground rules from the beginning, it might have made a difference.
Thanks Aya Katz! Isn't it sad that most people see a pre-nup as totally unnecessary? Guess we need a good old fashioned dose of practicality when it comes to marriage.
I guess more and more couples find it difficult to be cash-compatible, especially if both are earning and want a say in how their money is spent. Can be quite difficult to find a comfortable half-way point.
True FP - which is why one needs to address it right at the start so one can talk about it rationally rather than split over it!
Nice Hub you have here Shalini. I Oppose the entire institution of Dowry/Cash giving in Marriage from the Brides Parents to the Groom.
Thanks Anamika! I am not in favour of it either - however, if both sides believe in it, I feel the chances of them making a go at their marriage would be better than if one side did and the other didn't. Ideally it should be rooted out - but that's going to take a long time!
In olden days it was totally voluntary giving gifts to daughter but this system has been severely abused. Anyway the reverse(meher) in muslim marriages hasn't improved the lot of women either. But I do feel men & women need to coexist and understand/appreciate their differences and not try to change each others attitudes.
Thanks for commenting countrywomen - yes, we need to co-exist :)
Shalini,
It's a nice perspective on money and marriage. But at the same time it seems too much business like to deal with it objectively as if husband and wife are business partners and not life partners. In business we can part ways but with spouse there is no choice we have to live and adjust with it for the rest of our lives. Marriage is the only institution in almost all religions where we take an oath with God as the witness and we can't break that oath. It's totally my personal opinion as I tend to be conservative about certain things like relationships...
It's not that I am totally for a 'money-compatible' relationship countrywoman - but it's a fact that money is the most cited reason for divorce.
I love the subject of money and marriage. My plan was to marry rich. That didn't work out. But, after 10 years, I'm happy it wasn't the deciding factor. However, I certainly wouldn't fault someone for marrying for money. For some (wo)men, a thick wallet makes them more attractive, which I think is reasonable. Marriage is a bit of a business transaction, and the amount of money or lack of it should be considered when making the commitment.
Money incompatabilty can happen in all marriages, for instance I'm a saver my husband is a spender. I seem to always want to control all money we make. If I didn't we would have no money in our savings. He once blew $300.00 on wood for the fireplace, and $200.00 on the lottery; I was so mad...mostly because it was MY money I saved. Easy to spend money even if your not the person who earned it. I believe keeping husbands earnings his, your yours. He'd spend his then mine.
Its nothing to get divorced about, but the saver in the family needs to take control...or end up in the poor house...oh he dosen't have a job, I work 60 hours a week; But make very very little money, and I have to hide my money, if not he'd have IT all spent.
He appreciates the fact I'm a saver, I have saved us from many money woes and buying stuff we don't need. I guess its just something a husband and wife needs to sit down and talk about.
Thanks for commenting, Paul! It wasn't the deciding factor for us too - but I guess we were lucky that we had similar views when it came to money. As the statistics seem to prove, money can grow to become a bugbear in marriage - so maybe it's easier if it's tackled right at the very beginning :)
Gypsydancer: Thanks for reading - yes, money incompatibility can and does happen and sadly, it can overshadow all other feelings!
Ummm, we had a joint budget with my first wife, and she controlled the money. Now we have separate budgets with my second wife - and no reason even to talk about them at all, other than to reconcile our joint expenses. Guess this goes in line with your observations :)
Yes Misha, it does. Money or hassles over money can make an awful bedfellow :)
Great Hub! Love how your words ring so true :) You inspired me to create Hubs again. I've got too many ideas and too little time to publish =(
Thank you! You should - you're the best!
Very intersting indeed, maybe I won't get married after all =)
Thanks for reading Tom - maybe you will - to someone who's compatible when it comes to the way she views money :)
Good job on your hub!
As was said in the good book: "The Worship And Love Of Money Is All Roots To Evil"! I believe when there is spit caused by money (or any other monetary item) the relationship was not started on the foundation of love at the begining! Yes, without money it is hard to find a gain in this world however relationships should not be about monatary gain it should be about the gain of friendship and love. When there is a strong bond of love in a relationship then money issue's will be easier to conquer
Thank you mdawson17 for reading - while I agree that relationships should not be for monetary gain. it does help if a couple has similar views about monetary issues :)
Great Hub Shalini Kagal. True, we need to look at establishing the love in a relationship and the monetary issues can be easiliy conquered. Things work better when you complement each other's weaknesses. Money is one of those things that can easily ruin your relationship if not handled properly.
Yes - I guess one has to be practical if one is looking at any kind of long term relationship. Thanks for coming by!
What a wonderful topic. I think the issue of money is important in any relationship, not just marriages. I used to share a bank account with my brother when we were growing up and we had lots and lots of arguments over that. :)
I never "lend" friends or relatives money. If I want to help them out, I just "give" it to them.
As you pointed out, I think it is important to speak honestly with your partner about money and come up with a system of management that makes the both of you happy.
Thanks for reading Aya - those are very relevant points. Money gets to be such a touchy issue in most relationships, doesn't it? And yet, most of us are brought up to believe it's in bad taste to mention it!
Nice to find one of the world's 'givers' around :)
Ideally, yes, but most of anything falls short of ideal, compromise is important, you have obviously put a lot of work and thought into this hub. Well done.
Thanks Katy for stopping by and reading!
Lack of money is a source of distress; and so lack of it or any problem relating to it, in ones marriage will be a source of much more trouble. But it should not be the cause of any separation or anything; just like any problem it can be resolved if discussed in a mature manner.
Other than mutual love for each other "money compatibility" test is a nice way to see if you are meant to be. Good advice!
Hi Charia - I do agree it should not be the cause of separation - however, money compatibility as you put it is so important!
How can you know if your cash compatible?
Hopefully you know, the way both of you handle your money :)
Pam is my SEVENTH wife, but we're in our 13th year together and bonded like glue to glue. Deepest reason for divorces were: #1...Her sarcasm. #2...Just time to go separate ways, still best of friends, toughest of all aftermath because no anger to mask grief. #3...Her deep and abiding rage and suspicion toward all things & especially me (she showed strong signs of having been severely abused as a child). #4...She was a control freak, and I figured a year of playing second banana was enough. #5...She didn't believe me when I came under legal attack and would not move with me out of harm's way. #6...Yep, that one was roughly 98% about money.
#7, Pam, and I are definitely cash compatible. I make it, she's disabled, and we spend it taking care of her medical needs. Can't get much more compatible than that!
Your reference in your 2nd paragraph to the 10th of September must be karmic or something, since that's Pam's birthday.
And finally: Just joined your Fan Club. Should have done it eons ago.
Thank you for reading and commenting Ghost32. Oh wow! 7th time lucky?
Thank you for becoming a fan :)
Thanks for this interesting perspective about money and relationships.
My spouse and I are compatible in every way except money. I like to pay as much as possible on the bills while he prefers to go out and buy "fun stuff". He's slowly coming around to seeing money the way I do; treat yourself once in a while, but take care of living expenses first.
Perhaps I can get him to read this! :o)
Simply Redd - as long as you can work out the money angle between yourselves, that all it takes :)
nicely written
thanks alot
Thank you Healthyminds.
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Money and Marriage: Should they go together like a horse and carriage? in the News
- Danica puts her money in stocks, tests crossover appealUSA Today9 hours ago
The NASCAR marriage of Dale Earnhardt Jr., the most popular driver, and Danica Patrick, IndyCar's transcendent queen, is as much about perfect timing as gargantuan personalities. It could be an ideal union, where one completes the other.
- Archbishop Kurtz takes lead role in Catholic fight against same-sex marriageLouisville Courier-Journal7 hours ago
Archbishop Joseph E. Kurtz has served as the national point man for Roman Catholic bishops in efforts to support couples in traditional marriages, while also opposing efforts to legalize same-sex marriage.
- Queens spoils marriage hopesYourNabe.com7 hours ago
State Sen. Hiram Monserrate (D-East Elmhurst) and three other Queens Democrats came under fire from some constituents after voting to kill the same-sex marriage bill in the state Senate, which was struck down by a larger margin than expected.
muser says:
15 months ago
They should actually (I am answering the query in the title :P)
Yes - money is so vitally important in one's life, isn't it? You can say all you want about money not being everything and all of that - but just try and renounce all your wealth (like one of Jeff Archer's characters in a short story did) and see how the world treats you.
Marriage is not immune to the power of money. Attitudinal compatibility on the financial side of living life helps a great deal.:D