It took quite a bit of meetings with weird people to find out what the hell was going on with me. Websites just gave very vague answers, and it was hard to tell if someone was just making these websites to have a bit of fun with me, and people like me. To be honest, even now, I think that I may have imagined the whole thing. Except that I have photos. Photos that I show people, sometimes total strangers. And when I show them, the people gasp. And then I make a quick getaway so I don't have to explain to them what the photos are all about. It's fun stuff. And would be more fun if I could explain everything. But I don't know everything. At least at the present, I don't know much at all.

Still. I could have photoshopped them. Which means I'm cerifiable. Wow, if I've imagined it all, I'm barking mad.

But anyway, from what I understand about it all, it all changed last year, on my 25th birthday. That's where someone else might say, "That's when the dreams started". But in my case, that's when I started to remember what I was dreaming, and then began wondering what my dreams meant. The realization all of a sudden that my dreams were important, somehow, and that they meant something, although I still don't know what they mean.

My dreams have always been odd, and they have always been mostly nightmares. And I've always had dreams of the future that came true. My dreams of the past year have been stranger than usual. All my dreams recently have ended with a large question mark, or like a television show that ends with "to be continued". All of them leave a very expectant feeling inside of me. And such uncertainty, like it could go any way imaginable, or even in some way unimaginable.

My dreams now are vivid, just as vivid as my days. Maybe that's why I remember them. If I could figure my dreams out, then I could figure out everything. I could tell you about my dreams, but, my dreams are more confusing than ever. The only thing that is constant and new is that they are all lucid dreams, and I fight with something else to control them.

But, back to the meetings. Some were with people who seemed geniunely frightened to be talking to me, or anyone, about their experiences. The others, hmmm, those were extremely informative, although not as informative as I would like. The first strange thing about those meetings, is that I didn't have to look around and wonder who was the other person waiting to meet with me. I, and the other person, always knew each other at first glimpse. One of the first times, I felt the compelling familiarity with the other person, but I didn't trust it. And when that other person sat down and introduced himself to me, I expected to hear that we had gone to school together, or had worked together years ago, or that we were related, or... something. But I knew the name didn't ring a bell. And the face was not a face that I could put good or bad memories or good or bad feelings to. But that familiarity was still there, nonetheless.

So some of the people I met were those who had knowledge or experience with "the turned", and some of the people I met with were those that had "turned". There are many terms that people use to describe this phenomena, and all mean the same thing, but I like "the turned", (despite how it sounds like they were now spoiled or now contain alcohol.) Half of the "turned" people, they gave off a really eerie vibe. The other half seemed truly nice and decent and gave off a warm glow that made everyone in the room feel at ease and contented, even joyful. I've learned a bunch over the last year or so, but I don't have all the answers yet. None of them were all that forthcoming, just in bits and pieces, as if that was the way it's supposed to be.

The turned all told me their respective pieces of advice. Each of them said very different things, each one vastly different than the one I met with before, but the following is the common bits of advice they all told me. One, become a loner. Do it or you'll regret it. Only hang out with other turned people. Otherwise you'll become very interesting to the government or some other group. And the next thing you know, you'll be gone, never to be seen in public again. Maybe they kill you. Maybe wherever they take you, you'll wish that you had died.

The meetings... The meetings with some of the people, those who had experience with the turned, but were not turned themselves, those seemed like regular people. The first meeting was with a woman who said her son had turned. He went from being a shy but talented violinist to being... something extraordinary. She said he heals people. And at one point he had even brought a child back from the dead. That's what she said.

Another meeting was with a young man whose name was Joseph, and he said his best friend had turned. He said his friend was named Bill. He said Bill hasn't spoken to him or met with him since. Joseph said his former best friend seems very different now, even looks different. He said Bill smiles more now. Joseph had to know what was going on, so he began spying on him, and said that they both live in different states now, several thousands of miles away, so spying on Bill hasn't been easy. He said of his best friend, that there's something horribly wrong with him, although he can't put his finger on it. Joseph said that he knows this because his trash always contains bones in it, never left over food like vegetable scraps, as if all he eats is meat. That's not all of it, he said Bill's trash isn't just bones, but also fur, and the meat isn't cooked. At that revelation, his face went white, his mouth moved for a moment, but he had stopped talking. He looked thoughtful, then related that, as far as he can tell, his former best friend doesn't to ever go to bed. He said that he was afraid of Bill, and that he no longer spies on him, that there are things he can't tell me because he's too afraid. He said he had to tell someone some of it, though, or lose his mind.

That's the bottom line, that once you turn, there's no going back, and you're either good or evil. What I don't know is that if a person has a choice in the matter. And I know now that I've turned.

[The following added 10-12-09]

So, can it be that simple? That everyone can turn, at any moment, and become something decidedly not altogether human? And once you turn, you can either be a force for good, or a force for evil? One person I had met with, one who had turned, said that I shouldn't look at it in such simple terms. It's not black and white, and it's not extremes. Good and evil are just two sides of the same coin. And that there is no such thing as "a necessary evil". The only true evil is a person or people who don't know that everyone and everything is connected, and you can't cut off your nose to spite your face. But if your nose has cancer, then you just might have to cut it off, right? And to not cut it off would be seen as being actually evil. If it's necessary, it's not evil. Even if it's painful. If it's necessary, then it's good and stems from good, and if it stems from good it's not just about good intentions.

Turned people are everywhere. Some have become so good at what they do, that they've convinced their friends that they went to high school together in the 80's, even though they were born in 1529. Will that be me?

I've learned that we are the consciousness of humanity. The rest of humanity is sleeping. And while they sleep, we're up, doing our work that we were meant to do. Like the cop that keeps the peace while most everyone else is in their beds snoring the night away. Our waking state feels a lot like sleep. That's why all of this is so confusing, at least to me, at least it is to me now. To try to understand what I'm saying, at night I dream that I go to bed and dream that I fall asleep and dream.

I had heard the different stories of how people would turn. Sometimes it would happen in an instant, other times when they woke up in the morning they felt very different. Other times, it would take a very long time, even though it was one specific thing that had happened quite quickly that had made them turn. It might takes weeks, or months, or even years. Some had been turned so long ago, they didn't really remember when it happened, it had happened when they were still children, or even infants. For those people it was often much easier, but for a small minority, it was more difficult. It's all very personal.

For one person, it was the day they had first drank alcohol. For another, it was the first time they had sex. For another, it was the first time they saw two consecutive sunrises without sleep. For yet another, it was the first time they wore all white clothing. And yet another, the thing that turned them was the day they walked backwards, while declaring their undying love for their fiance, while accidently eating a ladybug. This is why so many people don't turn, if their turning is something odd enough for them to go throughout their lives never doing, never getting that experience, the change doesn't ever occur.

There are days I wish I had never turned, days that I envy those who will never turn, and will never know a turned person, and that is 90% of the world. Most days actually. I just don't like all of this not knowing.

My turning was kind of funny. It was the first time I heard Enya's "Caribbean Blue". I was listening to internet radio, doing a paper for college. The only song I ever heard her sing was "Orinoco Flow", which I thought was silly and did absolutely nothing for me. I looked for something that would be relaxing to listen to, yet engaging so I wouldn't fall asleep, but not too distracting. So I ended up listening to some new age station. Even now the song does something to me, stirs me in my soul, and that whole album is a favorite of mine.

On the day I heard it, it was exactly 2:22 a.m., and when it came on, my room slowly transformed into some other world, with green hues rolling and swirling all around me, and an emerald light that seemed to shine through everything, casting no shadows. I wasn't sitting at my desk anymore. I was floating. My whole body was glowing green, and my breath was an azure mist coming out of my mouth. No one was home, thank God. Not that I'm sure they would have seen what I saw.

It took a while to come down, and I was convinced that someone put something in my Sierra Mist. But right after, and still to this day, it feels sort of like I was awakened out of a deep sleep. Or like I finally got to go to bed and get some decent sleep. I can't tell if I'm asleep or awake.

And I'll tell you why it feels like that. In my dreams, and perhaps in yours, too, I can control what goes on around me. But do you wake up and still hold that power? Do you go to your job and think to yourself, I will not be bothered with anything for any reason for the first hour so I can get my work done that I should have gotten done yesterday, and then it happens? No one, for any reason, bothers you for the first hour of work, down to the last second. It is as if I had said a spell out loud, and I was Merlin, so it happened. Except I'm not Merlin, and I didn't say it out loud. Or maybe I'll go to a vending machine and all I have is two twenties and no change, and without saying a word or even looking around, someone comes bounding from around the corner and says they have the ten dollars they borrowed from me the other day, but all they have is 10 single dollar bills.

This happens constantly, but the more I try to do it consciously, the less effective I am. It's a bit frustrating.

Yesterday, though, I wished for someone to walk their blue-tooth wearing jerkoff self in front of a bus, because the guy gave me a look that said I wasn't worthy to walk on his sidewalk, with my it's-my-day-off-and-I-just-don't-care-look, and because I haven't gotten around to doing my laundry just yet. I wanted to go out and get some coffee first, if you don't mind. And what I'm wearing doesn't necessarily look like something I can also sleep in. But, long story short, the guy did walk in front of a bus. I was so stunned I didn't stick around to see if he was okay. And I still haven't watched the news.

[More to come as I write it.]