The Moral Inventory - "The Truth Shall Make You Free"

Shakespeare once said, "This above all to thine own self be true and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." Completing an honest moral inventory is the beginning process of change. For many this is a very difficult thing to do because it lays one bare to themselves. It forces one to take an honest look at their past behaviors, which in most cases are difficult to admit. It is in the admitting that humility can be found and the process of change can begin. Without being able to clearly admit there is a problem, how can one really begin to change? The exercise in putting the pen to the paper is powerful. When you put the pen to the paper you are in the process of admitting to yourself those things you would wish to deny. On paper it becomes a living document. If you haven't already done so take the necessary steps to complete your moral inventory. For more information go to InnerGold.com

Read the story about Jim below.

Jim Completely Destroys His Life, Can He Reclaim It?

Euphoric Pleasure

Jim remembers the overpowering euphoric feeling that seemed to rush through his body the first time he viewed pornography. Being young, he had no idea what this feeling was but the intensity of this experience left him wanting more. The pleasure was so intense that from that moment on he never wanted to be without it and yet at the same time he felt guilty about it. He kept his feelings to himself. He was afraid to tell anyone, especially his parents. Feeling the natural chemical rush that accompanies budding adolescence development, he quickly became consumed with seeking out porn and even at a very early age it became a central focus of his secret life. Throughout high school, he was never able to go for more than a couple of weeks without viewing porn or masturbating, vowing to quit many times but was never able to do it for more than a couple of weeks. After a period of a couple of weeks of sobriety, he would hear a voice in his head say, "You really don't have that bad of a problem or else you couldn't stay sober for so long" or "there is nothing wrong with this, everyone else is doing it to." Listening to this voice would always lead to acting out again. Feeling frustrated and confused, he couldn't understand why he couldn't stop. In high school, he began dating girls and before long became sexually active with them.

Guilt and shame flooded his body but he would minimize his acting out activities as being normal. Relationships never lasted long and he described feelings of isolation and an inability to really feel connected with other people. Thoughts and fantasies always centered on sex and his relationships with women were based solely on sex. Women were objects to him. Sex was the only way he knew how to experience what he described as "real pleasure." He describes himself as being popular in high school, because of his ability to play sports and put on a good face. Struggling with his private life, he felt like he was faking his way through life and didn't know where to turn. Iisolated, ashamed and feared being ridiculed, he kept his secret life to himself.

Utterly Confused
Confused by the messages that pornography was sending Jim, he began to believe that women truly wanted sex all the time and they were always on the hunt for the perfect guy. His acting out behaviors continued throughout the years, skipping from one relationship to another. By his mid-twenties his addiction reached new levels as he ventured into the world of escorts. He describes his experiences with escorts as disgusting and shameful. In his fantasy world, such women really wanted and desired him but he quickly got the message that the escorts could care less for him. Confused and more depressed, his addiction had become so powerful, he believed the lie that the next sexual experience would be the one where true intimacy would be achieved. He craved to be with women but was confused by the fact that when the sex was over, the women would leave him.

Staring Death in the Face
Because of the impact pornography had on his brain, his thinking had become delusional. He finally hit the bottom when he called an escort and after their business was concluded he had no money to pay for her services. He knew this going into the evening, but he was so far into the addiction his reasoning capacity was gone. He describes his mortal fear as the escorts' pimp called him and began to threaten him with all sorts of things. This is the moment when he finally got it. What he was doing was either going to kill him or completely destroy any hope of living a normal life.

Facing Addiction: Ending Sex Medication
Jim has been in treatment for the past 3 years and has made significant progress in facing his addiction. He no longer seeks out escorts and understands that there in no lasting satisfaction in illicit sexual activities of any kind, and is learning how to identify his feelings and emotions. He is also learning to address them and feel them in a healthy manner, learning the significance of leaning into the pain, rather than running from them, or medicate them with sex, which only tends to make matters worse. He states, "I have found hope where I was sure none existed. Real relationships are not easy, but I now fully accept that there is no lasting satisfaction or peace while actively living in the addiction."

During the past three years, Jim has had some minor slips with pornography upon the way but he has stayed engaged in the treatment process. He no longer lives in denial but actively seeks help from others. He is no longer trying to do it all alone. He has learned to recognize his addictive voice. He now understands that IT will always find a good excuse for acting out, such as the stress of work, relationship issues, financial difficulties etc. He also understands that IT will tell him that he deserves a reward after having done something good.

Don't Be Discouraged
The purpose in telling Jim's story is not to discourage you in any way, but to help you understand the progressive nature of this disease if left unchecked. It is also evident from this story that change and recovery are lifelong processes. It wasn't until Jim was willing to reach out for professional help that he began to change.

What is a moral inventory?

Examine your life in yearly increments beginning with the years: 5-10, 10-15, 15-20 etc. to the present. On a piece of paper or in a private folder or notebook, identify all of the addictive activities that your addict has successfully influenced you to be involved in. Document how many times you have committed to stop and then kept acting out. This moral inventory is a personal housecleaning. It is a fact-finding mission of your past history with sexual addictive activities. To honestly face the truth about yourself is a very challenging and difficult thing to do but unless you face it head on, the past will remain a barrier to your future progress. The main focus of this program is to become Future Focused, but in order to fully do that; the past must be clearly and effectively addressed before it can be put to rest.