Two old men are sitting on a bench in a hall of a nursing home.

Just sitting. Nothing else to do, and truth be told they had no energy to do anything today, anyway.

Two old women spy them from around a corner down the hall.

One woman says to the other..

"We should go streaking"

Says the other

"Excuse me?"

"See those two handsome men down the hall?" "Yes" "We should take off our clothes and run by them. It's called 'streaking' " "Oh..... uh... ok.."

So they did.

One old man says to the other:

"Did you see that?"

"What?"

"Those women, did you see that?" "Was that what just went by?" "

What were they wearing?"

"I dunno, but whatever it was it needed ironing!"

You know my dislike of nursing as my career of choice.. and you know my love of the people. My nurses aid career began in 1976. I was 18 and just back from my backpacking trip around Europe. I was one of the first 3 Nurses' Aids in the State to be "Certified" or was it certifiable? I have my placque around here somewhere. Anyhoo... I was so darned cute in my little white dress and my little white shoes.

The nursing home took pity on me and let me begin by working in an area of minimal care. Not "no" care, just less of it and more fun.

Old Nurse Aid Norma (mean gumpy old Norma who hated me with a passion I relate only to Lima Beans) would stand down the hall.. and yell!!!

I began having terrible headaches. The doctor said it was tension. I said it was Norma.

We had 2 women who shared a room, Mrs. Lewis, and Mrs. Martin. and we three would be visitin' and chattin'. And there was the sound like an elevator crashing..

Ah, Norma, dear sweet Norma, who hates her husband and her kids hate her and, well golly, She sounds a little, um, upset?

Those women, bless their hearts, all but stuffed me into their closet. And they'd begin to hum and giggle. In bursts Norma.

"Nope, No Candie here! Haven't seen her in 20 minutes."

I nearly fell outta that closet...tipeetoed my way to the nurse's station, pretend to read charts, looking postively innocent. Raging "Norma" headache. The kind that makes your eyes feel like they're bleeding..

We knew one lady horded paper napkins. We'd clean out an entire drawer once a week. Maybe she knows where they are? I'll go check...Ooooh, she's started to collect styrofoam cups, now too!

So call security, I'm going through the napkins and cups looking for dentures. No dentures.

A man starts screaming down the hall.. Mr, gosh I forget his name, but he's been a bachelor all his life and dear, sweet, confused, swedish Mrs. Johnson has just climbed into bed with him! I dunno, but if I think if she knew who she was in bed with, she should be screaming.

I think I'll hide in the pantry and have a glass of fake grape juice and a graham cracker.

Oh, we have some newlyweds, He's like 85 and she is, well heck, a lot younger. That's just gross. They had their beds wired together. I'm 18 and totally do not want details. She's in a wheel chair and he's trying to push her down the hall. He can't walk well today.. Did I mention they're newlyweds? Not sayin' that had anything to do with it, mind you.. but he's shufflin' along behind her and the chair gets away from him. He lands on his nose, but he's ok.. She's embarassed. Pick him up, check him out.. He's fine.. continue on to lunch, ok, byebye now..

What was I doing? Oh yes, the fake grape juice and my graham cracker. Maybe just one more (munching quietly). I should grab Karen and do Mrs. Anderson's hair. Nobody ever visits her, ever. Karen and I get into her room and begin brushing Mrs. A's wild hair.. Kinda like a red dandylion gone to seed, wild. We're talking to her and brushing her hair. I don't think she see's well, and doesn't say much, but seems to enjoy the attention.

We decide she needs curls so we tear up an old orange bed spred and proceed to get half her head in rag curls and in walks her High-Powered-I'm-Almost-As-Great-As-God, attorney son, in what appears to be a very expensive suit. We heard later who he was. He was not amused by his mom's new "do". Too bad. Maybe he should spring for beauty shop visits.

Norma, all the dentures..all 15 sets have been found in the bottom of Mrs. Dever's bed.. No way to identify the owners. All unmarked. Gonna have 15 families very unhappy. Well we could try to disinfect them and try them in everybodies mouths till we find a fit. This isn't 'Cinderella'. I'm not gonna do it. I think I'll go have a graham cracker. Strange, I have another headache. Floor doctor won't give me any more aspirin till I go in for a neurological work up. Heck, I don't have these when I'm at home.

The staff is throwing me a wedding shower..How fun..a "Tupperware" shower..gosh, you just can't have too much Tupperware!

Norma's coming? *Getting a headache* Yeah........ swell.

She spent $300.00 on Tupperware for me.