Mr. Evilpants Goes To Washington
63Greetings From Hell (Michigan, That Is)
With election day behind us, I was at the post office last week, reading my fan mail. There were hundreds of thousands of letters from my dejected supporters, who had worked so hard on my behalf.
As I sorted through the tear stained correspondence, I felt truly sorry for these poor disillusioned souls. But I think I can offer some comfort, now that it's too late to change the outcome of this election.
Hell, MI Post Office
The truth of the matter is that I did, in fact, win the election. That's right. Shed no tears for me. Come January I will be firmly in the catbird seat. The head honcho. The big cheese. The most powerful jackalope on earth!
I can already hear the objections, forming in your head. "But Obama won.", you're thinking. "Evilpants wasn't even on the ballot.", you may be saying.
Well, they don't call me Evilpants, for nothing. I was on the ballot (kinda), and I came out on top!
The Evil Plan
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This country is loaded with jackaphobes, anti-lopes, and animal nay-sayers of all descriptions. With this in mind, I knew that there was no way a humble jackalope would be elected. I had plenty of support, but I knew that, in the end, people would break down and vote for their own species. I don't fault you for that. It's only natural.
I had been planning this run at the presidency for a number of years, and had plenty of time to formulate a plan. Initially, the idea was to combat this discrimination, by appearing more human. Eventually, I decided that appearing more human, would not be enough. The only way to gain the trust of you humans, was to actually become one of you.
There were months of trial and error. I tried walking on stilts, waxing my fur, stage makeup, even a fake moustache. You name it, and I probably tried it. A combination of these things, garnered some favorable results, but I still had the antlers to worry about.
My lopish pride would not allow me to shed my prized antlers, and I didn't think I could pull off the stovepipe hat look. That had already been done, and that guy was assassinated. Probably not because of his hat, but you never know. In any case, I wasn't about to chance it.
It became obvious that I would never become human, or even human-ish. I had to scramble to create a new plan. It occurred to me that, if I couldn't be human, I would have to create one. I had the technology. My underground bunker was littered with circuit boards, servos, dead aliens and the like. I worked at a feverish pace, to create a perfect human analog, and succeeded.
It was not bad for a prototype. And It got me pretty far. All the way to the vice presidency, in fact. Unfortunately, the movement of the servos was stiff and jerky at best, and the voice box had a kind of monotone, mechanical timbre. The whole effect was a bit creepy, frankly. So, second banana was as far as this one was destined to get.
I didn't entirely scrap the Gore-bot. He still serves me well, from time to time. He recently helped me win a Nobel prize! Go Figure. But the presidency was still calling my name.
Back To The Drawing Board
Back in my bunker, I had upgraded all of my hardware, and forged ahead with my second generation cybernetic politician (gen2 cyberpol, for short). The Gore-bot had left much to be desired, so I opted not to use the dead aliens this time. To further reduce the creepy factor, I chose something other than a two by four, to serve as his spine.
A perfect mixture of ballistics gel and food coloring, and a fully artculated spinal column, made for a much more realistic effect. With my new smoother acting servos, and a few pneumatic actuators, I had created One Badass Automated Male Android (O.B.A.M.A). I just had to upload the artificial intelligence software, and he was nearly ready for testing.
I thought that building it/him, was the hard part. As it turns out, creating a past was much more difficult. One little misstep with the birth certificate, and the whole shebang nearly came unravelled. Then there was the nightmare of creating a family for him. I won't go into details, but, holy crap! But I persevered. It was time for testing.
Phase One...Complete
My O.B.A.M.A. did well, in early testing. But even I was surprised when he took down Hillary, in the primary. A coup for jackalopes, everywhere! It was then, that the real work began. I had to transport him to every state. Sometimes several in a single day. I wrote all of his speeches, myself. My campaign staff had to be very small, to minimize the risk of having my cover blown.
The real surprise, was that nobody noticed my van. It was my mobile control center, and was somewhere nearby, at every appearance. I guess people spend so much time scouring the minutiae for scandals, that they miss the obvious. I was actually counting on that. Heh-heh-heh.
Killing The Competition
As I waited to see who my opponent would be, my planning turned to plotting. And when they announced that the "Maverick" was going to be the man to beat, it all clicked into place.
With spare parts, I threw together yet another cyborg. This would surely be the coup de gras. It was even better than the O.B.A.M.A. I named her Superior Animatronic Republican Alaskan Hottie (S.A.R.A.H.). I did not install the artificial intelligence in this one, thus ensuring that she would not learn from her own mistakes (pretty evil, right?). Under cover of darkness, I released her into the Maverick's camp. He never saw what hit him.
I temporarily lost track of S.A.R.A.H., in the days following the election. As a result, she has wandered out of range of my controller. She has been showing up in some unusual places. She keeps bumping into things, and repeating unintelligible gibberish. I think she was last spotted meandering around a turkey farm. Sorry about that.
The good news is that she has somehow made her way back to Alaska. I don't think she can do much harm from there, but I'm watching the situation closely.
In the meantime, I am making final preparations for my takeover...I mean...inauguration. I hope to see my Bailout package in place, by February.
Off To The Whitehouse
In a few short days, the Obama-bot will board Air Force One, and fly to DC. To stay within range of the radio control unit, I have fashioned some jackalope-sized luggage, in which to stow away.
Once my software has had a chance to learn the ropes, I will be able to control him from anywhere in the world (I'm thinking Canada, God I love that place), and prepare for the next election. I can already see the look on the faces of all you humans, when the president of the United States decides to forgo a second term, and give his very enthusiastic endorsement to a jackalope! In the meantime, It looks as if I need to work on an animatronic dog for the O.B.A.M.A. family.
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Comments
Thanks for your support, Patty! You just never know when you'll require the services of a good sharp tomahawk, and someone to wield it. I'm a little surprised that you couldn't find the post office. It's right there behind an unmarked door, in sub-basement #2 of the municipal building. My bunker is actually in sub-basement#4.3. The kind Hellians should have been able to point you in the right direction.
Hey you said you thought that you saw S.A.R.A.H in Alaska but I swear I saw her at the world summit requesting help for her cause from all the world leaders (heard in the ladies loo that she gave an impassioned speech about interloping jackalopes) and she sure was stirring up trouble - I am sure I heard the words "evil plot" and "don't trust your eyes" could be wrong of course but i think S.A.R.A.H has been animatronically>>>>turned>>>> what now....?
Take it easy, aj. I didn't give her any intelligence. She's probably just repeating things she's heard around town. She still lets that campaign rhetoric slip out once in a while, too. It's all she knows!
Makes me proud to be FROM Michigan! Great job B.T.!
Wait a minute. I know that name. I suspect that the great state of Virginia has just weighed in! Thanks Dan!
Woohoo! If you go to Canada, I can have my guest room back!!!
BT - Silly me! - I thought all the antler and horn pointing was leading me out of town and I was determined to go the other way...
Beautiful BT, just Beautiful !
Am I still vice president ?
After all, I distracted attention away from your RC control van in my role as Joe the Plumber.
Eric, I'm thinking I can make a Biden look-alike. You can have the controls. Then, every time Biden says something in public, you can bring out the look-alike, and say the opposite. Great job as Joe the Plumber, by the way. Now the world knows why he wasn't registered to vote. Thanks for the help!
So Eric....you wear low-riding (in the back - could I be more diplomatic?)pants?
BT - your evil genius rivals that of the greats - Snidley Whiplash, Percy Q. Kidpester, Wicked Witch of the West - but I think S.A.R.A.H. is following you. I received a correspondence from her just this morning via fanmail. I clicked on the hub name and sure enough - there she was, big as life and so was the fish she was holding. You may want to remove her batteries.
Yippee! You're coming to Canada. I'll have all the bakeries in Windsor start up the butter tart lines and get 'em into full-time, round the clock production.
Congrats on your sorta, kinda appointment to the white house.
Why thank you, Shirley! I will be looking forward to the tarts! Oh, and I might need a place to stay...
You're welcome. Place to stay, huh? Welllll, I'm not really near Windsor, in fact I'm a few hours away from there, so it might not be convenient for you. Aww, nuts! I'm out of town that week.
Lord have mercy, who can resist a jackalope with such ingenuity? How on earth did you find time to hub around the hubs while doing all that plotting and campaigning? I'm amazed this is the funniest hub I've read in a long, long time. LOL! :) I like your how your brain works. :)
Hey, I saw S.A.R.A.H. in Walmart last week. So I went over to ask her about what she thought went wrong with the campaign (not knowing she was a machine), and she said:
"Well, ya know about the whole mavericky thing and ya know how those darned lobbiests are runnin all over the white house doin' lobby things, and if I...I mean...if John was president we'd sell em all on ebay, but I don't wanna talk about global warming and all that stuff cause I just think that change is only gonna happen when somebody takes a long, hard look at this problem, then wakes up the next day and takes another long, hard look cause this economy thing is a long, hard problem and all..."
She said a bunch of other things, but I got scared. ;)
Thanks, Pam! I put that speech in there for the debate. I think I also put something in about pigs with lipstick. Hey, I bet this story would give your creative writing professor nightmares!
You guys are being really helpful, here. Feel free to report any S.A.R.A.H. sightings here. I'm hoping that she will eventually wander back within range of my controller.
... who is your controller - the supreme jackalope? or is that you in disguise? btw - re. s.a.r.a.h. if I saw her o/s and then Pam saw her in Walmart and you say she is in Alaska - where the heck is she? ...maybe she just needs a shorter leash!...
Bible Prophecy of a Wicked Politician
"Then I saw another beast coming up out of the earth, and he had two horns like a lamb and spoke like a dragon." (Rev. 13:11)
As Patty's relatives could reasonably say; "Horned wabbit speak with forked tongue." I shall look forward to seeing you in Washington. You won't recognise me as I'll be cunningly disguised. A six foot 185lb mouse wearing a black t-shirt with "I Love Idi" emblazoned across the front, and a false moustache; surrounded by seven million elective eels armed with stingray-guns and a gay bear in a tutu will be indistinguishable from the other delegates, foreign dignitaries, film stars and assassins milling around.
I'll know you by the smell of sulphur and the flashing sign and arrow above your head saying "ANTI-CHRIST..ANTI-CHRIST..ANTI-CHRIST.." Even if you can counteract these obstacles I'll pick you up at the Butter Tart booth, which I've franchised. You can run but you can't hide. But don't worry, trust me, I'm behind you all the way (So's Tinkerbell, the gay bear. Now that IS a worry)
PS, I've still all the files and photos safely hidden. Don't try to get them back. I have armed the eels with semi-automatic wooden stakes (and ossified pork chops!)
ROFL! Ah, she'd probably love anything written by a fluffy jackalope. :) Good speech writing...especially the pigs w/lipstick part. lol!
I left a word out of my other comment...I meant to say that I'm amazed AND this is the funniest hub I've seen. Big difference. :)
ajcor, I am the supreme jackalope. The grand pubah, if you will. But I'm afraid the controller is just a simple radio control joystick. Sorry if that's anti-climatic.
I don't know how to break it to you, Old Firm, but the eels are robotic, too. I sent them to keep tabs on your activities. They will self destruct, momentarily. Waddaya know, I did know how to break it to you!
Pam, I'm glad you like my speeches. You'll likely be hearing a lot more of them over the next four years!
What? The eels are robots!? They were some of my best friends, always sending me trinkets...
By the by, B.T. - in the 1960s, the Florida government experimented with controllers attached to electrodes implanted to the brains of felons to erradicate their unwanted behaviors - Was that your grandfather at the switch, or The Old Firm's perhaps? I'm sure he has revived the elective eels now with power gyros of some ilk.
Did someone say gyros? I LOVE lamb! By the way, your friends were real. I used them as templates for the robotic eels. The trinkets they sent you were from Old Firm's vaults.
Och! I need a vacation....
Robots like Hell! If you'll excuse me for me bringing up your old family home - or even if you won't. The fact that I've been making a nice little income on the side by showing disobedient ones iridescent pictures of Shirley Temple and flogging off the cooked result as smoked eel to the multitudes destroys that little deceit. But then, you're well recorded for your obfuscation.
Aidoneus, Nosferatu Primogen
Check it on the web. I'm also sure Arkwriter will back me ad nauseum on your evil ways. For those of you who can't visit this enlightening site I enclose the following snippet to show what a little stinker B.T. can be - You'll make a great polititian mate.
Though his physical attributes are considerable, Aidoneus' mental ones are those that make him so dangerous a foe. three thousand years have gifted him with a terrifying degree of insight into human and vampire nature. He manipulates and controls those within his influence with equal ease to the vermin he keeps as pets. He is versed in every branch of science, and has an understanding of the occult rare even among his race.
B.T.: perhaps your just a pet after all.
Hey Patty, that wasn't my grandfather, that was me. You've noted my affinity with things electrical. In those days I was just known as "The Firm". You may have heard of me. (You could say that I'm Ohmniscient - you could say supercalifraligisticexpialidocious, damned if I can!)
Trust me, Tinkerbell's behind you all the way.
Patty, I told the eels they were welcome to do what they liked with the trinkets. We got them by mugging B.T.'s snotty kids in the first place.
It is difficult keeping up with the national and international exploits of B.T. Evilbritches. I am glad that you are going to the Whitehouse and look forward to a major upturn in the economy! Didn't you promise a bunny in every pot? I hope so. Them's good eatin'.
He's running on a sanitation ticket. - It's a potty for every bum.
I'm laughing as I read - what a fun hub - and I wouldn't be here if I hadn't followed TOF so thanks TOF.
BT Evilpants - you are phenomenal! - er .... not the new Secretary of State too??!!??
BT- I really liked the comparision to Lincoln(with long hat) and the OBAMA acronym since both are from Illinois. Also that SARAH acronym was funny too. But you never mentioned the acronym for one who pushed us into this and due to sheer frustration with him Obama may have won and that is "BUSH"...LOL
Thanks TOF for leading me to one of the funniest hubs I ever came across(now I know why everyone including patty likes this Jackalope).
Old Firm, you seem to be ranting. Could it be that I struck a nerve? Perhaps you are mildly annoyed by having been fooled by the robotic eels.
Patty, if you're looking for a vacation, why not join me in Canada? They have tarts and pies of all kinds, and they put gravy on their french fries!
Oh, Chris! I hope you haven't been eating bunnies again. I may have to have another talk with your cat. As for the economy, you should take another look at my bailout package!
Shalini, thanks for coming by! I too am grateful to The Old Firm, for leading you here! Come back any time!
Countrywomen, glad you made it. Sadly, Bush has no acronym, because I did not create him. Hard as it is to believe, he's not a robot. Thanks for reading, and commenting!
BT, I wanted to vote for you, but I never received the ballot slip you promised to send me :( :(
BT- Maybe you are right. Robots can be controlled unlike BUSH..hehe
Misty,I guess I disguised it too well. Thanks for the thouht, though. Don't worry, I should be running unopposed in the next election. In the mean time, I'll be running things from the shadows.
Thanks for becoming my fan - now all your evil hubs will appear on my hubtivity for me to follow - happy days :D
You 've realy put the cat amoung the canaries now CW. We're going to get every silly acronym from BUsiness School, Harvard to But U selected Him. I think that it's actually a contraction of a well known excamation of disbelief (A potty for every bovine?)
Regarding your header photo B.T., I've heard of kissing cousins, but don't you feel having one mounted and stuffed in the local Post Office just a little public?
I like your wireless headset, the one with the little pink horns.
TOF- Harvard sure must be proud of having such alumni who are repeatedly getting into the White house. When Bush first started out I was glad to see a Harvard MBA but now I wonder what Bush's GMAT score was(does anybody know that in this forum) since my brother when he wrote GMAT got 740 score and still wasn't accepted in Harvard.
Btw I am glad I could put the cat out there to ward off this Jackalope otherwise we may end up with BT having too much control(that too remote control from canada) over all of us....hehe
Ultimately you nailed it when you said we deserved this economic mess because of ("But U selected Him")...LOL
Bush earned an undergraduate degree in history from Yale in 1968. His grades weren't great, and nobody can seem to locate his GMAT scores.
WAS DUBYA A "POET"? Owades says she made the cut at Harvard because she was a "Founding Poet." These MBAs didn't have all of the quantitative and business experience usually required at Harvard, but rather a background in the liberal arts. Shortly after classes started, an administrator called Owades to a meeting and told her that she was among 3% of the class that served as a "test." Only Bush and the admissions department know for sure, but chances are, George W., with his degree in history, was likewise a "poet."
http://www.businessweek.com/bwdaily/dnflash/feb200
Any use CW?
Apparently not the brightest light bulb on the Christmas tree.
But we all knew that.
TOF- When George Bush was elected I was a teenager and had a very high regard for US and its politicians since Bill clinton had made such a positive impact in India. Then the news channel in India showed that after Clinton (who was touted as Rhodes scholar who studied in Yale/Oxford) we have the new President who also studied in (Yale and is a Harvard MBA). Only after the Iraq war the media started changing the out and out positive projection about US government in Indian media.
Thanks for that link and would have to research further if standards were bent to get him in Harvard MBA....LOL
I'm glad you guys were able to talk among yourselves, while I was away. Thanks for keeping my seat warm for me!
B.T. - I would be fully enchanted with becoming active in a shadow government and would gladly travel between Canada and TOF's compound.
TOF – Yes, I've heard of you, Ohmniscient, and am awaiting your action figure to hit the market. “B.T. Trinkets” is likely a marketable name as well. Sounds like a youth clothing store or a casual dining place, with video games. Or, perhaps it could be a new sustainable mini automobile for city travel. Elective eel power, of course.
And now after consideration, I think that in the opening scenes at Dracula's castle in the 1930s Lugosi film, it was not actually armadillos they used instead of rats – it was jackalopes!
TOF - re running on the sanitation ticket "It's a potty for every bum." Just to clarify you do mean a gazunda?
Would the supreme jackalope like a gazunda? ......
Got one, thanks. It's similar to a gazinta.
Patty, you are quite welcome in the shadows.
A chamber pot me old luv, or a jerry, (presumably because thats what one used for a nocturnal Jerry Riddle) and yep, it's a gazunda, 'cause it go's under the bed, along with lurking Reds and Jackalopes. Bob Hawke and his yard glass used to hang out there too, but that's because he couldn't make it to the top side.
But surely a closet writer such as yourself would be closely intimate with all this?
good one TOF...... now what do you think a gazinta is? could it be that a gazinta is a tailor made gazunda for jackalopes?
Nah, I reckon it goes in to something, probably a commode. Trust the Yanks to get pretentious about it all.
You're right TOF .... I googled and found this "a “gazinta” is something that “goes-into” something else. A “gazinta” can be many things to many people." really!......
An ode to gazintas:
There was an old fellow called Clyde,
Who fell down an out-house,and died.
And so did his brother,
Who fell down another,
And now they're inturd, side by side.
that would be the loo with a view then...with no room for a pony but maybe for a jackalope...
Don't let your job get on top of you, it could prove fatal.
B.T. I believe that even the lowest slime should be given the chance to defend itself. I'm not suggesting for one moment that you fall in this catorgory, but if any low slime is reading this rest assured that you'll be fairly treated and humanely tortured if I ever get my hands on you.
So B.T., please check out this site: Memories Are Made Of This….Or Not!
OK B.T.
Now that you're the president elect, you have to be prepared for some scandal.
I have the misfortune to inform you The Old Firm has been doing some snooping around while playing word games with you, and they have hit paydirt. Your recent activities in the shower with Mrs. Shadesbreath at Chi Chi's apartment are about to be splashed all over the media.
(see bottom of http://hubpages.com/hub/Party-Time-Is-On-Its-Way-- )
I believe that she was about to start knawing on one or another of the bones protruding from your body. The media will have a field day with this, unless some damage control is done.
The trusty old Egyptian River tactic (De Nial) won't work. We'll have to be creative with this one!
Hey B.T. Eric's only half right. As usual he's hiding the sordid facts from you while trying to shift the blame. What more can you expect from a Taswiesian and a bikey though. I have of course a complete dossier on you and Penelope Shadesbreath and I must admit that looking at his avatar explains a lot about her wanting a bit on the side. But I digress.
I'm into blackm...., mutual and reciprocate assistance, not gratuitous mudslinging.
Have I in the past month suggested that I get principality or governorship of any petty unwanted (but strategically placed) island? - No
Have I asked for money? - No
Have I suggested that your teenage daughter visit for the weekend? - No. (The little trollop showed up unasked anyway.)
It's Eric who plans to undermine you to prevent you giving me governorship of his petty, unwanted island (Not my words, Australia's) I might me able to make something of it after I've got rid of the motorbikes on installed the nuclear missiles.
By the way, hows Cuba looking? You can have Canada, I'm happy with Newfoundland.
Keep up the good work, I'm behind you all the way.
The last I saw S.A.R.A. she was looking for Stepford.
TOF is actually Ian Flemming. He did not die in Bermuda as falsely reported years ago and keeps his Martini mixes in a Bond store. BTW he is over 100 years old. Are you sure he is not a Jackalope alter ego? Now BT please explain why Hilary will be Secretary (look up alternate spelling) of State.
Hi Sixty,
Haven't seen you for ages.
And TOF - Shouldn't you be preparing your gumboots (You know, the ones with the special moulded inserts about the same diameter as a ewe's hoof)
After all, the girls will be down from the top paddock soon!
We Taswiesians know everything!
(And what the hell are you going to do with Heard Island if BT gave it to you? )
Are you guys trying to blow my cover? There's a very good reason that I was in that bathroom. Mrs. Shadesbreath is a known terrorist sympathiser. I was involved in a covert op, and just about to pump her for vital intelligence, when you came along.
If government officials are not allowed to operate in secrecy, and without accountability, then I'm afraid the terrorists have won!
I just use Redbands Eric, they're nice and loose in the front, extremely adaptable for all sorts of things including female politicians -(Well youall know like I mean to say I don't know what go's on behind my back but he seems OK I mean really I quite like it I mean him dont'cha yust know it?) Your welcome to borrow them for when next you meet B.T. I keep spares, who knows WHO is coming for dinner?
Heard Island? Where else would I keep all the motorbikes?
B.T.: crap!
Old Firm, I have decided that you may have Greenland. I hear it's a very large tropical island, covered in lush, green grass year 'round. Honest! No thanks are necessary, buddy.
So the truth comes out. Obama is evil! Nice going BT. I hear that Greenland is melting and will very soon be completely underwater.
BT:
I'm totally not taking the bait, and won't be in any way responding to the many metal pictures regarding the pumping of Mrs. Shadesbreadth.
TOF:
Definitely don't need redbands for my meetings with BT.
I see you got greenland you lucky sod. I hear you can walk on the water there this time of year
Luck begger. All Ive got is this Tasmanian T-shirt.
SirDent, how could O.B.A.M.A. possibly be evil? He is nothing more than a collection of spare parts that I had lying around. He is completely at the mercy of whoever has the joystick. For the right price, I could be persuaded to give you a turn at the controls.
EG, did I say pumping? I meant drilling...I mean...oh Hell, I'm sure you get the thrust if it! And don't forget, you have the T-shirt, AND the Biden-bot!
Don't forget, Eric, once my bailout plan goes into effect, you will also be in charge of the Personal Assailant program.
No worries BT. I've got Spike, Lefty, and Wayne the leg breaker retraining all of the homeland security guards, who will be responsible for educating 2 million keen freelance workers from Mexico.
Eeeexcellent...
It looks like the whole 'ole boy network is regrouping BT What a coup!
Eric. Hi to you too I see you only play selectively in comments. I think you, like me, have a time and time difference problem too!
Hi Sixty,
Yes, time is a problem, but I generally take a few minutes several times a day to see what's going on. I have no hope of keeping up with everything - so I just pick interesting looking items from the first couple of pages of the hubtivity.
I'm sure there's plenty I've missed out on.
And yes, there's quite a few of the Excrement gang here.
Except Shadesbreadth, who is conspicuous by his absence. I believe he's having marital problems with Mrs Shadesbreadth having run off with a small time crook from ChiChi Chamois's hub.
Spryte is MIA as well.
Hmmm. No. He/She/They wouldn't. Would they ????
Yes I think the MIA's are either hatching something or are having a thanksgiving holiday!
And yes they might!
I have it on good authority that Spryte is cheating on us. With a video game no, less! Shadesbreath may be busy with his divorce attorney.
Always bad news near Xmas time!
It's his own fault, really. He should never have taken up with that ChiChi trollup!
Obama is evil because you are Him and he is you. Spare parts or not.
Yes, it all makes sense now ... but you've made the classic evil villian mistake, you've explained your plot ... and now, well ... I'm not sure what but ... well ... but .. umm
Therein lies the rub, BDazzler. By the time they can remove me from office, I will have built many replacements. I will be right back on the ballot. Maybe as a democrat, maybe as a republican. Then again, I just might be both!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm due at a press conference.
ROFLMAO! Reading your comments is like reading a funny book! :D
You're lucky that ChiChi doesn't know what a trollup is. I told her it was like a truffle, and that seemed to please her...for now. ;) lol!
Well B.T., I see you are up to your evil ways once more, and thank bob for that! The world just wouldn't be the same without you and your very evil pants. It would probably be safer, but still not the same!
it seems that quite a few of the gang are missing in action - such as swifty, chichi, mrs. shades, pepe the cabana boy, obama etc. I put it down to this time of the year when it is really hard to get spare parts for missing bits like control sticks, antler horns, etc....
Aj, your right, there are a few of the gang missing, I hadn't been around in awhile myself, but am back and ready for some of that group shower action. I hope you guys didn't have it without me.
Hi gm - no we were waiting for you to appear for the group shower action! although i think BT got in early with mrs. shades but his "evil" (meant BT in the nicest possible way) intentions were somehow foiled when he was discovered lurking in the shadows cast by the curtain.......
Hey Guys,
DO NOT ALLOW GWENDYMOM INTO THE SHOWER.
She's probably all loaded up with a stomachful of beans.
http://hubpages.com/hub/the-great-butt-war-of-08
However, if we put her in the bath it will become a jacuzzi at least :)
Misty- Gwendy could surely create those bubbles but we still would need the gas masks from Spryte (Where are you?, people are getting suffocated in the gas chambers here)...LOL
Thanks for coming by, guys! Sorry I missed you all. I can't hear a dang thing down here in the bunker.
Eric, I did it purely in self defense! Besides everyone is looking forward to a bubble bath anyway, so I am solving the problem by eating the beans. I am pretty sure Spryte took the gas mask and hauled ass. She's a smart one that Spryte.
Hubble bubble toil and trouble. I think there is sulfur in the air! A group grope in the shower raises it's ugly head - so to speak!
What vulgar people you all are. Gwendymom, gorgeous little tart that she is, drops the soap in the shower and you all get in a twitter when she bends over to pick it up!
Even Bill Clinton would know how to work that out.
Hi Sixtyorso, I didn't mean to ignore you way back yesterday, I just am slow at working out replies to the subtleness of your wit.
Eric: I always walk on water, so whats new?
Hallelujah!!! :D
Hallelujah, I'm a bum, Hellelujah, bum again, Hallelujah give me a hand out and I'll be your friend
(Actually, I hope that I already am.)
That you are TOF - tell me when the beans are all gone and you're turning water into wine and I'll be back visiting :D
I turn wine into vinegar, lets take this one step at a time.
TOF, I have invested in some beano and have given up on the great butt war, I just don't think I can win. Really even if I did win I would still have to defeat my children, and I just don't think I have the firepower to take them down, even with a pipeline from taco bell. I am ready for the group shower though and I guess if misty and CW still want a bubble bath I suppose I could oblige them. I still have a bowl of leftover beans.
Oh, and if you get that wine into water thing down, come join us in the group shower.
excellent article
Maybe only if he manages the wine into water thing, gwendymom? - or he'll come by with bottles and bottles of vinegar!!! :D
I hear that cider vinegar is good for your joints. That could be handy if you're hanging out in low joints! So if Gwendy brings the toot fruit and TOF provides the vinegar, we can all get pickled, and set off for some low joints with the wind in our sails!
My strawberry wine tastes a little vinegary, but a few glasses definitely will get you three sheets in the wind. Let me know when you blow into town and we can crack a flagon of it.
Hey B.T., where are you? Is the electroconvulsive therapy wearing you down, or won't they let you out of your nice little padded "bunker"?
Don't you worry your little fuzzy head, we're behind you all the way.(Not too close though, I hear that Gwendymom's been [bean?] feeding you.)
You guys are a riot - besides those pickles, should we get a bit Khayyam-esqe with a jug of strawberry vinegar (???!!!), a bean loaf and thou-at-the-orgy-shower??
I do believe BT is trying to disown this hub!!!
Hi Shalini, could some-one please replace B.T.s battery? I'll send a couple of eels to jump start him if you like. Tinkerbell can bring them, he'd LIKE that.
Don't you worry about me, Old Firm. I've just been busy scalping tickets to my inauguration. Shouldn't you be getting ready to take charge of your new island?
No worries, I'm well versed in volcanic activity already (Look where I live!) Apparently, so is Gwendymom.
To whoever put B.T.s batteries back, thank you. (23 D cells in series, administered like a suppository. No wonder he looks startled in his avatar.)
Wait a minute are you guys talking about taking over Hawaii islands (huge volcanic activity their). Btw does the BT's remote control from Canada have signal till Hawaii.
So BT/Obama, - How's it working out with Hilary?
Did we have to pay out her $20mil campaign debt so she would be nice to you ?
That would make a bit of a dent in our emergencyButtertart/Cascade beer fund - there'd only be about $150mil left!
I am only well versed in volcanic activity after a pot of beans, otherwise all is calm and good.
and btw jackalope farts don't stink, I hear they smell like buttertarts or maybe that is carrots and lettuce, either way, it can't be too bad.
I am beginning to wonder about this party we got going, Beans, strawberry wine, vinegar, and batteries, yeah ok it does sound like a great party.
CW, I'm letting TOF have Greenland. I hear it's lovely at this time of year.
TOF, thank god they were in series! They would be rather uncomfortable in parallel!
@Eric: Why did you have to go and mentionher? To quote the pirate with the steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants "She drives me nuts!"
Hi Gwendy!! I had your little problem pegged as seizmic, in nature. I think you have your own ACME Tesla earthquake machine! You must only use it for good.
B.T., I think we might be able to team up here. I know dang well you can use me or my family as a weapon if the need ever arises. It might be a better bet than the batalope babies, they are so very hard to train and those antlers make it hard for them to fly.
CW, that's Greenland, not Hawaii, it's much more strategically placed. Gwendy, don't you believe it. Jackalopes are pets of the Anti-Christ (hiss hiss,snort snort) and as such they stink something rotten, but then so did his campaign. That's what I liked about it.
Hey Gwendy, you'd like Rotorua!
You've got a deal, Gwendy! Have you ever thought about visiting New Zealand? Or maybe Greenland???
Well team, I'm off to play bridge with some realy evil old ladies (and blokes) Yous guys are just light entertainment compared to them. keep my place warm for me.
Cheers, T.O.F.
I'm off too. I'm pure evil if I don't get my hour and a half of sleep. But feel free to talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic: beans farts vs. broccoli farts. Go!
B.T., I think that TOF might have had my name put on the terrorist watch thingamajig. I don't know about Greenland, I pretty sure the cold could freeze the farts and thus become unaffective. How about Germany, that sauerkraut does a job on my intestinal tract and it could be very effective.
You caught me just before I signed off, Gwendy! Here's a thought. Once you're in Germany, pack in as much beer and kraut as you can. We can package the resulting...ordinance, and send it by mail in time release capsules.
BT- Thanks for that clarification I guess Greenland sure is in your remote control range compared to hawaii (wasn't sure of volcanoes their?) ah! Well!!
TOF- Who is going to keep the beans supplies going in Greenland....hehe
I'm not too sure of volcanic activity there, either. I know that Iceland is all of a bubble. I'll leave the bean activity to Gwendymom, B.T. has his own sulphuric accompaniment. Why else "Evilpants"?
BTW, do you know how to catch a polar bear?:
You cut a hole in the ice sheet and scatter frozen peas all around it (Polar bears are extremely partial to frozen peas.) You then hide behind a nearby snow drift, and when the polar bear comes over for a pea you sneak up behind it and kick it in the ice-hole.
Roflmao, Sorry, I had to get to bed too. That Icehole thing is frickin hilarious. I trhink your right about the evilpants thing. Pants just don't become evil without some reason. Good thinking TOF.
I cannot be held responsible for the evilness of my pants. Since they only get washed semi-annually (there's a water shortage here, in Hell), they have taken on a lfe of their own. Sometimes they disappear for days on end, and return under cover of darkness.
My sons socks do the same thing. I can't ever pin those things down to give them a washing.
So you can see where I'm coming from, then. Then there's the chafing, to think about. That's a leading cause of evilness in jackalopes!
If you run for president you've got to expect a degree of chafing. The press demand it.
Ah, the great unwashed, I see that you're bonding with the working classes (Who needs classes to lean how to work - have they all forgotten?) Just keep downwind bwana, WELL downwind!
Ah! no "r". You learn how to work, then you lean on a shovel.
So sorry that you're feeling a little rash, just keep taking the medication.
Sorry things didn't work out as you hoped.
I did see on TV today that Mrs. Bush was showing off hand-painted Christmas ornaments ONE OF WHICH WAS A JACKALOPE!-- that must be some consolation.
Hi, Rochelle! Things are working out perfectly. I'll be running the joint, and the robot will be taking all tha flack!
Old Firm, haven't you left for Greenland, yet?
Hey BT.
TOF is giving a special goodbye to all his special wooly friends.
I think this will take him several weeks, and he won't be much good for anything for about a month after that.
There's no sheep in Greenland are there ????
I've twice tried to reply on this hub to your dozy Ozzy Insinuations, with erudition and pleasantries, as you know I'm rightly famous for. Twice the hub has spat it out. I can't be bothered bashing my head against the wall. I'm going down the pub, (which will probably be closed going on the trend!
B.T. I hope your rash festers.
Eric: I hope he infects you.
TOF's computer: I hope your mother runs out from under the house and bites you in the ankle.
OK, I've been, I've seen, and they were still open. Now I'm back.
As your activity has become quiet and regressive, I was afraid that the pressure of occasional thinking was doing your cognitive processes damage. Freely translated, that means that I thought your kids had shoved you into a home. I hope that they haven't. You do seem to spend a lot of time "sleeping". Hang in there, ol' buddy.
Hey Old Firm,
One of the first signs of insanity is hubbing to yourself.
Keep taking the pills.
Hooray for Evilpants!!! A round of drinks for everyone :-)
Thank you for sharing that with me, Eric.
I really was worried about B.T.'s physical and mental state. Anyone who spends over 15 hours in bed alone isn't too flash.
BTW, the penultimate sign of insanity is hubbing to me.
Have you been to Rotorua TOF? There's some evilpants around there judging by the sulphurous aroma in the air! (LOL)
It's less than a hundred miles down the road Amanda. I've been there a few times, but never done the tourist bit yet. The smell of sulphur dioxide is all pervading. You get used to it after a few hours.
The last time that I went was for a conference which our Prime Minister and several top cabinet ministers attended (as guest speakers) Determining the local ambiance from the stench of politics was a problem.
Cheers,
Peter.
It is definitely a Date line, time zone thing. First the Aussies and New Zealanders start nattering. Then The Indians and Asians wake up, followed by me in SA and a short while later Guernsey, Channel isles and the UK wake up and chime in, followed by east coast USA, later still Midwest and finally California and Hawaii tipping into Oz again, The lively group are the UK USA quadrant (all time zones) as they are either early risers or sleep deprived. Just to solve your conundrum of silence and self hubbing TOF
So Sixty,
It's 10.47 am here. Are you just up, or about to bed down?
Thanks Sixtyorso, I'd actually got that far, But I'm often hubbing at two or three am which pretty much transcends the time zone thing, unless all the rest of you are equally nuts.
Amanda - nearly midnight in Godzone!
Amanda
Its now 1pm here about lunchtime (the middle of our day - Friday)
TOF I think there is an element of insanity and strange hours too!
Sos, you're a regular on B.T.'s hubs and you only think there's an element of insanity? Cheez!!
Hi Peter,
I'd love to hub into the night, but I know that if I don't get up to organise the kids, they'd never move of the sofa! We were in Rotorua around 12 years ago. It's a stinky but fascinating place, You must be in the North Island, as is my brother. (Paraparam)
Hi Sixty, You're pretty close to us timewise. I thought you'd be further. You learn something new everyday!
Yes Amanda, top of the Bay of Plenty, (or bottom of the Coromandel peninsula, take your pick) and a few miles from the coast, about a ten minute drive.
Your brother's near Wellington.
We spent our last night in NZ in Orewa which must be up your way?
Amanda Yes we realise that when it is super 14 Rugby season and we watch the matches here. they are mostly early morning fron NZ and Midmorning or noon from OZ.Those are our times, we know that they are evening or late afternoon matches your time.
TOF By saying "element", I was understating to be kind (Why I dont Know!)
Amanda, Orewa's a bit north of Auckland, I'm sort of sou-east about an hours' drive.
Sos, you altruism and generosity are matched only by your good looks.
B.T. should be let out to play soon.
Near the vineyards, and that wacky place with the art deco everywhere? I guess I should just pull a map, but I'm enjoying talking to you!
Waihi, about 40 miles north of Tauranga and roughly parallel with Hamilton. If you google it (Google-earth satellite pic.) you'll see that it has an enormous crater in the middle of the town where B.T. tried to take me out with an IBM and missed. (Inept sod)
Jackalopes are talented in many directions, but you can't be good at everything! I hear he's great in the shower though! (LOL)
Some-one's got a very long memory. They're rather short of water in Hell(MI, that is) as B.T. admits above, and he hasn't showered in a very long time. The smell isn't entirely Satanic!
As I said about 3 days ago without really wishing to repeat myself
"Hubble bubble toil and trouble. I think there is sulfur in the air! A group grope in the shower raises it's ugly head - so to speak"
"Sos, you altruism and generosity are matched only by your good looks" Why thank you kind Sir
Wasn't that him in the shower with Mrs Shadesbreath? Maybe I imagined that. It's possible. My imagination sometimes works over-time!
He was hiding behind the shower curtain as I remember it. Who said anything about it being turned on, or her for that matter? Look at Shade's avatar. The poor woman's desperate.
Sos: Anytime, ol' buddy.
And the shower was not in Hell. It was ic ChiChi's apartment. You wouldn't even believe the mildew!
Nice to see they let you out at last. All wrapped up nice and warm I hope?
Hey, where's this ChiChi hub?
Here is ChiChi's hub, old friend http://hubpages.com/hub/ChiChi-Chamois-and-the-Dan but I think the shower scene actually happaned in one of ajcor's hubs, in the comment section.
ROFL! Is that what that slimy green stuff is? :P
ChiChi enters looking for her evil jackalope friend and says, "Come to me my leetle foozy jockaloop." Quickly clutching her bosom, she realizes she's late for her daily botox injection, so she saunters out the door with that heavy hip swaying thing she does leaving behind the distinct smell of cheap perfume, stale buttertarts, and broccoli farts.
It's a good thing she didn't go into the bathrom! I hate it when someone walks in on me.
The "Foozy jockaloop" quietly exits the bathroom, leaving his "new friend" (who has been reduced to a quivering mess) behind. He pauses, then runs back and grabs the ipod. Then he is gone, leaving behind nothing but jackalope musk, and another satisfied customer...
Thanks B.T., I found it myself though. Have been off reading it. I see that the world has been saved from the Anti-Christ. By the time that ChiChi's finished with you, (Less than ten minutes going on past trends) you'll have more bits dropping of than a leper with the mange. It won't just be your cousin's remains displayed in the local Post Office mounted and stuffed.
Anyhow all this swaying and heavy breathing is making me dizzy. It's three in the morning in this neck of the woods, I'm off to hang from the rafters by my toes for a few hours.
See Yah.
I knew it! You ARE a vampire!!! Sleep well, TOF.
I love the O.B.A.M.A you are very creative and as for the post office absolutely comical!!! Looks like the post office where my Uncle lives in Iowa :)
Thanks, AEvans! So good to hear from you! Come back any time!
Wow!! You have a lot to say on this subject keep on going!!! People will listen. Kudos.
We're all bats where I hang out, B.T.
Oh BT, Where are you BeeTee,
I still want to swing from those antlers of yours cutie pie !
(puts heavy duty farriers rasp into bra. Nearly pokes eye out.Thinks: While he's concentratin on other things, I'll file off some of that jackalope antler to use as an aphrodisiac, or my name's not Bambi Hermione Whoopsi Shadesbreath! )
BT, oh BeeeeeeeTeeeeee, where are you my little pookie-wookie
Running like hell, I should think.
@TOF: "Running Like Hell"
ROFLMAO.
ROFLMAO pookie wookie! :D
ChiChi finds herself back at the jackalope lair after days of trailing the scent of musk. Noticing the bathroom door ajar, she enters and is halted immediately by the sight of a quivering mess on the floor that seems suprisingly satisfied. "Hmpf" she exclaims. No stranger to satisfied quivering messes, she exits the bathroom and sees a huge box in the corner of the room that says "Acme Antlers."
She opens the box and sees the most beautiful set of antlers ever made that also happen to be very huge. She puts them on and prances around the room anxious to show off her new rack.
Suddenly she sees the shadow of Mrs. Shades (a.k.a. Bambi Hermione Whoopsie) and she gallops out the door in full fright of the looming amazon and her eye poking rasps.
Amazing. A day or so away and the world goes crazy!. Jaxkalope heavy breating. Chi chi foreplay and mrs Shades on a Jackalope Musk high! I think instead of a group shower, we need a firehose, bowser and some strong firemen to use the hose!
so she who was lost has now resurrected herself! Bambi Hermione Whoopsi Shadesbreath is ready to do the business and make an aphrodisiac out of the evil jackalope's huge antler - you can run chichi but you can't hide forever from a staggeringly clever (!) but cuckolded woman of stature!!!
BT I hope that your antlers won't be too lopsided with bits removed - could make it uncomfortable for Mrs Shades to do her thing - angle wise ......
LOL ajcor, I love your way with words, "...staggeringly clever but cuckolded woman of stature!" You're good!
In fact, you're so good that many probably don't realize that it was your knowledge about how to make an aphrodisiac that sent Mrs. Shades on this heated rampage. ;) LOL!
I wouldn't worry too much over the antlers, ChiChi saw several boxes of ready to go Acme antlers in his lair. ;)
{{{ajcor}}} It's good to see you. :)
That's the bit we were curious about Pam, - recently sawn antlers.
My neighbours' just had her Tom neutered, it 's probably similar. (Her cat's worried, too.)
LOL TOF!
So maybe the deed has already been done and the poor jackalope is hiding and wondering what's next. ;)
laughing.....BT I see you have made devious plans to foil/divert the evil plot to shave your antler/s to make aphrodisiac - ya know if ya not careful ya could end up with stumps instead of horns!!!..........they will keep returning for more and more and more .....if ya not careful! think shaved ham.....
ChiChi You have no idea how relieved I feel to know that BT has antler spares!! from these reproduction reproductive antler horn a real aphrodisiac will be born - this is going to go soooo well when it comes time to reproduce the genuwine acme antler aphrodisiac powder........
Mrs. Shades - you must get the real thing - fight on girl - think beeg picture - you need to get your hands on the genuwine antler article - not the repro.. - you can fight him in the showers.. fight with him the curtain...just fight him for your.. no sorry make that his sake; no his antler horn...
good to see you too Pam...
Hi B.T.,
My, my, my! I am gone only a little while and you break all the rules and make new ones. You kinda take after my own heart. I am touched. You are definitely an up and coming young jackalope and a force for the nations to reckon with.
I am confident you will do well. I am by your side if need be. I like the idea of turning the world around for our benefit. Not just yours and mine, but everyones.
Good luck B.T
I guess a stag night takes on a whole(?) new meaning in the context of this hub. Being de-horned also gives some food for thought.
Hey B.T.
A chinese guy is making a FemBot of Hillary clinton.
Has your cover been blown?
Or are you just psychic?
I am a bit psychic, EG. Or maybe it's psycho. In either case, you have to admit that my S.A.R.A.H looks way better than his Hillary.
Actually B,T, your wife's old grey ass looks better than his Hillary. However, it seems to match Sarah in performance. The bloke in Canada is a bit of a worry though. I think that one of his prototypes may have ended up as our last Prime Monster.
I haven't seen much of Gwendymom lately, I hope she's not still cavorting around that Greenland fish-works.
Cheers, TOF.
Tof, was that a compliment? If it was, thanks. I haven't heard from Gwendy, either. Honest. I swear she's not one of my robots...as far as you know.
EG, love the new avatar!
It's still good. And if was photoshopped, bravo. I still haven't figured out how to put a santa hat on mine, and you went straight for the wings and halo.
@BT
Well actually the wings and halo are always there, but I normally get them photoshopped OUT.
I'd imagine you'd need a custom Santa Hat to cope with the - er - appendages.
But I believe that Shadesbreath's wife would be only to happy toremove them for you, so you could wear a normal Santa hat.
I had considered that. But I haven't seen Mrs. Shadesbreath (Or Mr. Shadesbreath, for that matter) for quite some time. I do hope they're ok.
You have to be the funnest writer on hubpages! Kudos!
Kind of you to say, WR. There are definitely plenty of people here who are more talented than me, but I certainly appreciate the compliment! Come back any time.
I KNEW Obama was evil! BT, be on the lookout. My pack migrates to Michigan this year. The caribou decided to make tracks for Dallas (In a futile attempt to escape us, no doubt!) and they pass through Hell, MI on the way. Since Jackalope have a VERY unique flavor - the perfect blend of Deer and Rabbit - we thought we'd pay you a visit.
PS: Don't even TRY to escape. We've got spies all over. Helena the butter-tart baker, for instance.
Patty Inglish, MS says:
12 months ago
Wait a minute, that doesn't look like the Hell, Michigan I saw a couple weeks ago - in fact, I couldn't find a Post Office of any kind there, not even the Canadian brand of post office I've seen in the drug stores in BC - found only bison and some "rabbits." The Post Office of Hell MI must be your underground bunker annex.
But wait another moment - I THOUGHT O.B.A.M.A. and S.A.R.A.H. night be able to run on the same ticket and now I see why. Crafty, Mr. EvilPants, very crafty, indeed.
Since I've found my SS card and b. certificate, I can now travel across to Canada and likely get back in to Pie Nation again. I can set up a sattelite office near the Mohawk reserve... Our tomahawks will be at your service.