Dear Ms.Advice,

My mother-in-law is crazy. She purposely tries to get my daughter to side with her... and loves to make me look bad. She would whisper in her ear before we were leaving, "I know you want to stay here with me. I'll give you a nice fun bubble bath and lots of cookies and milk. Tell your mom to leave you here." She has NEVER even watched my daughter at her house. She knows that she will not get her overnight let alone for an hour... she just does that so my daughter will get excited and ask me if she can. When she does and I say "not tonight," my daughter will start screaming (she is three). My mother-in-law just smiles. AGH!!! She doesn't get to watch her because she is not safe. We have learned that through watching her with another child. I do not want her to be a BIG part of her life. I don't mind seeing them once every few months... but my husband makes us go at least once a month. She took her son toilet-papering when he was 11. She lies for the fun of it.

This problem is causing huge problems between my marriage because my husband says, "I don't care... its still my mom." I disagree... yes, it's still his mom, but that is not normal behavior. I haven't even told you 99% of it. It's absolutely ridiculous. I get so anxious before going over there because I never know what to expect next. I'm sick of it. Am I supposed to give in for my husband or should we move hours away like I want?!

Dear Anxious,

You are probably not going to like this, but no you don't need to move hours away because you don't like your mother-in-law's behavior. You are right I probably need more information to get a clearer picture. From the pin hole of information that I have so far here is some advice.

Have a meaningful conversation with your husband. Set a time when you can express your concerns with your husband. If she shows erratic behavior then this should be reason enough. As you mentioned something about how she is not safe around children. But if this is just your view because it is your first child and as a parent your being what is known as overly protective.

Maybe we should try something else here, like have a private conversation with your husband backing you up with his mother. Write out your points before the discussion so that nothing is forgotten. Make an agreement that there will be no yelling, or arguing and that every one will have their turn to talk. No name calling, no accusations, just state facts in a calm and non confrontational manner. Ask her to stop X behavior, and tell her why you desire this.

As any Grandparent might want to spend time with their grandchild, maybe she is just trying to do this? Maybe a compromise is in store here? Offer that she can have a visit with your daughter in exchange she will not do X again. Have consequences too that if she breaks the rules she will loose time/visits. Be careful here though there is such a thing as Grandparents rights and she could take you to court if she feels like you have been unfair with her.

Now is the time to talk with your husband, getting him to be on your side is more important than anything since... "I don't mind seeing them once every few months... but my husband makes us go at least once a month." Who are them is there a grandfather too?

If she breaks the ground rules then you and your daughter don't have to visit every month. This should help to control the unexpected behaviors that you are so anxious about. If this does not work then you might consider moving to some far off place.

Sincerely,

Ms. Advice

PS. Write back with results, I would like to know if this helped.

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