Today is a new day and a new beginning...of course, every day is.  But this is the first day in which I have chosen to reach out to the world and express my current beliefs, musings, puzzlements, and awakenings.  I am a student and a teacher of Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, and many other new thought writers.  But my beliefs began to be formed as a child.  In response to the trying, abusive home I found myself, I turned to God as I knew him in the image of Jesus, my elder brother.  I felt loved by him in a way I could never express, and I believe he literally saved my life.

Any other than my prayers and conversations with God existed in another world to me.  I lived two, maybe even three, complete personalities in one.  On the one hand I was a "normal," pre-teen and teenager, with a variety of friends.  I was never one of the "in" crowd of jocks and cheerleaders, but I was a leader in my own right...I sang in choir and played the violin in orchestra.  I swam and played sports, earning a my block "SC" from my highschool.  I babysat to earn money for clothes and makeup.  I picked prunes on my knees every summer too, but the real joy was getting out of my household and spending the summers with my cousins in Santa Rosa (California). 

The second me was the quiet, secretly spiritual girl, who read the Bible, prayed, sang with God, whenever I needed to go "within" and find the God of Love.  Here I found solace and peace.

The third me was the rebellious daughter of sometimes abusive parents.  My mother angry, frustrated and trapped in a marriage twisted by abuse and infidelity, many times took out her anger and frustration on my sister, brother and I.  Otherwise, when things were more peaceful, she was loving and kind -- these times usually when my father was absent from home on a business trip.

My father, twisted by his memories of war (WWII and Korean), and twisted by the mixed messages from his own mother and the sexual abuse she taught to my father and his brothers, had a lot of trouble sorting out the difference between being a loving father, and a sexual predator.  All I knew was that when he was home, there was never a moment I could let down my guard -- ever vigilant for the signs which meant he would make a sexual advance. 

I fought them both within the core of my being.  I knew I was better than the lowest thought they had of me, and I used this inner strength to fight them and shielded myself from the onslaught of verbal retribution and physical punishment. 

Why does this all matter now?  That was long ago and both of my parents, my grandparents, and my brother are now gone.  But I learned so many things from this tumultuous childhood, but not as much as I have in the last few years.  For now I have come to know myself in such a way that I can see all the wonderful gifts such a childhood has given me.  I have a more compassionate heart, am less (but not completely free of) angry, and I have learned how to forgive.  I've forgiven everyone who has ever hurt or abused me.  But, equally important, I am learning to forgive myself,  I remind myself what Jesus said on the cross, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." 

Today, however, I am at a crossroads between Faith and doubt.  I believe God has called me to minister to others, and I have been so blessed to know that I have been successful in this for many people. 

But, when confronted with other angry, paranoid, frightened individuals who feel their only way to succeed in moving through their lives involves striking out at anything or anyone who gets in their way, and having that anger and paranoia directed at me, I fail miserably.  Under attack I still respond with anger, sharp words (as I was taught so well as a child), and defensive behavior.  This is unacceptable behavior from one who has been called to Be the High Road for others. I am much too human; much too flawed in my quick, angry reactions to attacks (perceived and actual).

How, God, can I correct this flaw in my thinking?  Please give me strength and clarity and, most of all, Love.  Help me feel such Love in me that nothing - no one - can bring me to forget for even a second the Truth that is in me, and I have so much Love in me that it spills out to the ones who need me to be that Love for them.  "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the words." Thank you God for unconditionally loving me and continually bringing me back to the realization of the Truth that I am.  Amen