My 5 Favorite Jokes of All Time

We’ve all heard hundreds --- probably thousands --- of good jokes in our lives.  We’ve forgotten most of them.

But there are a handful that stay with us.  Jokes that caused the loudest and heartiest laughs of our lives.  Jokes that we will tell over and over again at parties, at work, or anywhere, and laugh each time no matter how many times we tell them.  Better, though, we enjoy the laughs they generate with each new audience.

So, how do you narrow that list?  You may think the list shouldn’t include off-color or jokes about stereotypes, but as long as they aren’t overly offensive, why not?  Humor is universal.  Everyone needs to laugh and laugh at themselves.

So, listed below are my favorite jokes of all time in no particular order.  I will laugh as I type them. I hope you laugh as you read them.

Flies in the Beer

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are seated side-by-side at a bar.  Each has a mug of beer in front of him.

Simultaneously, three flies land in the beers, one in each mug.

The Englishman looks at his beer, pushes it away and asks the bartender for a new one.

The Scotsman reaches his fingers into the beer, picks up the fly, throws it to the floor and drinks his beer.

The Irishman reaches into the beer, picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells, “Spit it out, you bastard!  Spit it out!”

Playing Through

Two men are golfing and they are getting frustrated because the two women playing on the hole in front of them are taking way too long.

Finally, one of the men says, “I can’t take it anymore.  I’m going to go up there and ask them if we could play through.”

The man walks toward the ladies, but halfway there, he stops, looks and turns around and walks back to his friend.

“I can’t go up there,” he says, “That’s my wife and my mistress playing together.”

The second man says, “Ok, I’ll go.”

The man walks toward the women, but turns around halfway there, walks back to his friend and says, “Um..small world, isn’t it?”

Magic Powder

A man walks into a bank and approaches a loan officer.  He says to the loan officer, “I need to borrow $50,000 to help get my invention off the ground.”

The banker replies, “Well, that’s a lot of money.  May I see the invention?”

The man looks down, a bit embarrassed and says, “I’d really rather not show you.”

“You expect me to give you $50,000 without knowing what the invention is? That would be irresponsible.  That’s not how things work,” the banker says.

Sheepishly, the man reaches into the breast pocket of his jacket and pulls out a small vial of white powder and says, “See this?  You sprinkle this between a woman’s legs and it makes her taste just like an orange.”

The banker stands up and points toward the exit, “Get out of my bank with that disgusting invention.  How dare you?”

The man returns the vial to his pocket and slinks out of the bank.

Six months pass and the same man returns to the same bank.  This time, though, he has $11,000,000 he wants to deposit.  The teller notifies the same bank official of the large deposit.  The banker, recognizing the man from the earlier meeting, says to him, “Please don’t tell me you made this much money from that disgusting invention.”

The man says, “No, no, no.  I created something much better.”  He reaches into the breast pocket of his jacket, pulls out a vial of black powder, and says to the banker, “See this?  You sprinkle this on an orange…”  

Lottery

A man calls his wife and shouts, “Honey, I won 7 million dollars in the lottery!  Start packing!”

The woman can hardly contain her excitement.  “Oh my god, honey, that’s wonderful!  Should I pack winter things or summer things?”

The man responds, “I don’t care what you pack.  Just be out of the house by the time I get home.”

And the requisite blonde joke...

What goes Vroom, screech!  Vroom, screech! Vroom, screech?

A blonde at a blinking red light.