How did it happen? I can't begin to answer that question. I had four sons, lived in a beautiful suburban home, stayed at home to be the best Mom I could . Each one had his choice of activities. The oldest, loved karate and became a national debator for his private high school. He graduated second in his class at college and was offered an assistant professorship to the University of Hawaii. I was so proud! He took the money and put it all up his nose within months of arriving in Hawaii. His wife took their daughter and left him and he lived on the streets for a year after being fired from his position. He returned home full of remorse and conviction so we took him in for awhile and helped him find a place to live. Within two weeks he robbed a bank, went on a crack binge. He ended up in Federal prison where he served his time and was released on good behavior. He has become a spiritual person, has remarried and claims that he is done. Only time will tell.

Son number two is that guy that everyone loves. Men like him because he is a sports enthusiest and played football throughout high school. Women love him because he is a handsome bad boy type. He was a risk-taker in every way. As a child, he was dyslexic and hyperactive, not the best student. In spite of these things, he would walk through snow drifts to get to the closest Catholic church. He truely loves God and is devoted to me. However, he became completely addicted to drugs and alcohol while in college and dropped out after his first year. Through a series of events he ended up first on house arrest, then in federal prison for conspiracy to transport drugs across state lines. While he was in prison I got my first cancer. That was in 2004. He has since been released and has stayed clean and sober, but I think he is addicted to gambling now.

Son number three was the sweetest child any parent could asl for. He always had a smile on his face, was a good student and never went anywhere without his stuffed Pink Panther until he turned five. He was quiet by nature and never complained. He was an accomplished swimmer beginning at age six. He broke every record in his age group at the pool. He went on to achieve All-American status in high school. He could have gone to college on scholarship but was tired of swimming and wanted to experience the more social aspects of college life without the rigerous training program. At first he came home almost every weekend. However, within a few months we didn't see him anymore. One day we got a phone call from him and he wanted us to come and get him. When we got there, we found him beaten badly and adament about dropping out of school. He wouldn't tell us what happened. Soon after that he announced that he was moving to Hawaii to be with his brother and his family. This was before we knew what had happened in Hawaii. He managed to be functional, get a job, etc. Little did we know that our gentle son was now an addict. He has returned some time ago and recently finished a one year treatment program. I have no illutions about his recovery, but I pray that he is done and can begin his life. During this time he managed to collect an ex-wife, three boys and a ton of debt. I still love him with all my heart.

Son number four was later to come along. He ,too, was a happy, carefree child who loved outdoor sports, computer games and skateboarding and snowboarding. Although cautious as a small child, he became very interrested in extreeme sports. He went from being one of those children who clutches your skirt and begs not to have to ride the coaster at the ammusement park, to vaulting off the tops of the highest jumps he could find with his dirt bike. He later confessed to me that he first started smoking weed when he was eleven years old. He remained a pot head throughout highschool and barely graduated dispite an above average IQ. After that he went on to using more potent drugs. The worst part was that he began stealing from us. I didn't do too much about it at first, other than try to get him councelling and out-patient rehab. Then he forged a check and wiped out my account. I had finally had enough. I had him arrested. He had to spend some time in jail, then rehab and restitution. I thought that this would be what he needed. Tough love! HA!! Within a year, he stole my most prized posession, a one carat perfect diamond ring appraised at $10,000. A family heirloom given to me by his father for our tenth wedding anniversary. He still won't admit it, but I know he took it. He moved to Arrizona as soon as his two year probation was up and has started a new life. He calls about once a week, the dutiful son. The funny thing is that my gut tells me he really does care. He called often when I was going through my cancer treatments. I even miss him and wish him well. But I don't trust him.

I have survived three cancers and a stem cell transplant. Even with all that, I fear that I will outlive my four sons.