My car has a compass.  First impressions would make you believe this is a good thing to have.  I believed this.  I truly did.  Most of the time, I am pleased to have a compass, because you never know when you might need to know which way north is.  I am also intrigued when the direction shifts slightly.  Why does it thrill me to know I'm suddenly driving southwest instead of straight south?

Once upon a time, the battery in my car died and needed to be replaced.  This happens to all of us at one time or another, and is taken in stride by anyone with a minimal mechanical aptitude (which doesn't actually include me).  Not trusting my feeble mechanical inclinations, and also not wanting to risk blowing myself to the moon by hooking up a new battery myself, I had the local Goodyear dealership do the job for me.  (I know, I know, it's not a tough job.  Still...)  After a short while, I picked up my car with a smile on my face and a somewhat emptier wallet, and was reunited with my auto assuming all was right with the world.

I was deceived.

To my shock and consternation, I discovered both the radio and the compass no longer functioned correctly after the old battery had died.  (The radio was protected by a pass code to protect it from theft.  Well, gee, I bought the car used, and knew of no code to key into it.  The used car dealer sure didn't mention it when I bought the thing.  I called Mitsubishi and asked them what to do.  The mechanic on the other end of the line, in his infinite wisdom, advised me to "pop out the radio, check the serial number, and call him back".  "Pop out the radio?"  I asked.  "How do you suggest I 'pop out the radio'?"  The voice on the other end of the phone could not answer my question, so I mumbled a quick thanks for absolutely nothing and hung up.  I never succeeded in popping out the radio, and in desperation I ended up buying a new one, instead.  Installed by Goodyear, who was preparing to give me my own reserved parking space after so many trips to their establishment.)

But the radio isn't my tale tonight.  I consulted my owner's manual for procedures on how to reset the compass.  In the interest of complete accuracy, I will list the instructions here.

1.  Press the adjustment switch (1) for about one second, and the display window (2) will indicate the symbol (S) at all the divisions of the scale.  Continue to press the switch, and all the symbols (S) except one will disappear.  (S) and the remaining (S) will revolve around the scale, first clockwise and then counterclockwise.  NOTE:  The clockwise and counterclockwise rotations of (S) are repeated alternately.

2.  In this state, turn the vehicle slowly through 360 degrees in a safe, open space with no vehicle or building around.  This will automatically complete the adjustment, showing the correct point on the compass.  When there is no appropriate space for turning the vehicle, give one turn to the vehicle by steering clockwise and then counterclockwise or vise versa.

NOTE OF DECLINATION ADJUSTMENT.  In some areas, north on the compass (magnetic north) deviates from north on the map due to the inclination of the earth's axis.  This deviation angle is called declination, and declination between 20 degrees west and 20 degrees east can be adjusted in increments of 5 degrees.

Huh?????????????  What did that thing say??????????

I decided I was being instructed to press a button and drive around in circles.  Failing that, I could press the button and take a sharp left followed by a sharp right, perhaps on the Interstate passing other cars.  Rather than test my skills on the highway and intent on taking the manual's advice not to hit any cars or buildings, I went to a public school's parking lot.  To ensure no youngsters were injured due to my efforts at auto maintenance, I arrived well after all the kids were at home.  I calmed my breathing, pressed the button and began.

I made a complete circle in the parking lot.  Didn't help.  I did it again.  Nothing.  I decided to improvise and pressed the button again, much like Moses striking the stone with his staff a second time in his efforts to supply the multitudes with water in the desert.  Maybe if I held the button down while making the loop it would work.  I tried that twice.

At this point, a police officer came to see what I was doing, and was likely preparing to subject me to a sobriety test.  After all, I was about 25 years too old to be doing doughnuts in the school parking lot, even if I was circling at a speed normally reserved for a child's Big Wheel.  Rather than get gunned down while trying for a quick getaway, I surrendered without a fight.  I told the officer I wasn't an overaged juvenile delinquent, but rather that I was trying to fix the compass in my car.  I offered him a look at the alternately rotating (S) as proof of my harmless intent, and told the officer I would be glad to have him stay until I accomplished my task if he wished.  I also told him I would accept any help he offered in solving my problem.  Laughing out loud in my face, he told me he trusted me and wished me luck.  Must have been my honest face.

After three or four more circles around the lot, I did indeed accomplish my goal, but I break out in a cold sweat whenever I think about the inevitable day I need a new battery.  I think I would prefer the car gave out first.

And I thought I had troubles with the radio.................