My Daughter has no Mother
95
The Red Curly Hair
Before reading this, I would like to ask you a favor. Given the amount of pain, the details of this Journey cause me, may I ask if you would be kind enough, to hold back any advisory negative comments or judgements meant as constructive or otherwise. Very simply, I can’t handle it. Thank you, I appreciate it.
Dedicated to; S.A.S.O. , may God’s will make it soon.
People say, there are 2 sides to every story. In this case there are three. The third side has yet to be heard, so here is mine.
Her striking full head of red curly hair was what I remember most. That is, the first time I saw her. Then it was her skin, pure white like snow and perfectly soft amongst scattered freckles and rippled joints from baby fat.
3 minutes old, and God just gave me a gift in the form of a miracle.
Mind you he could have sent her in a much easier way. After all, it was the 20th century, and couriers did exist. I didn’t care. It was worth the 36 hours of labor and emergency delivery, so I could then continue studying her.
So indeed I did. Blue eyes with tiny pink lips, opal looking finger nails and all 10 fingers and toes. Perfect ears and a button nose, Pudgy everything and a rounded chin.
That’s when it happened, right then and right there. My mother who had accompanied the entire blessing, continued to support me and was present for this as well.
At exactly 10 minutes of age, leaning perfectly quiet against my bent up legs she became a real person, with purpose. She collected her name that she would carry her entire life. She was officially, Sydney, Alana, Shoshauna.
(Unfortunately, for legal reasons, I cannot include her last name. I also carried my husband’s name back then as well. My married name was Kimberly Gray Otis. I am now Kimberly Gray, as I was, when I was born.)
Our family’s second granddaughter by 3 months and his families first granddaughter from their second son. My husband, Brian. (again, legally I cannot detail his full name either).
That was March 6th, 1997 - It is now October 26th, 2009 - 12 years, 7 months, 19 days and 14 hours now since I met Sydney.
In a less formal way, Sydney is now 12 years old and I am 43. I know, because I enjoy counting the minutes of both our lives from time to time.
I did not have any other children, before Sydney or since Sydney.
Now, I also do not have Sydney, and nor does she have me. I add, in any capacity. No visitations, phone calls, letters, or on holidays. Nothing.
It has been this way for the past 9 years.
Imagine, if you will, the length of a football field. That is the same approximate distance my daughter and I live from one another. Sydney, however, has no idea of this.
The Woman I was
I need to give you some History. I need to tell you, much of it is blurry from Post Traumatic Stress. I need you to know, although I have the answers, many memories have been erased from extensive Electric Shock Therapy. I need you to know, I have not been well for some time now. I need you to know, nothing will ever possibly repair the loss, or fill the void, from permanently loosing my only living child, as me, her only real mother. I really do need you to know I will wait forever and a day to get the chance, to prove how much I love her, whenever that may be. God Willing.
Come with me, will you? Come on a Journey that led me to today, not a ton of details as I do not assume you are not perceptive. The answer is quite obvious and yes, my Journey has a far distance I hope still to make. This is no Journey I offer you of excuses, hatred or mishaps. Rather a Journey of reasonings, bad decisions and shocking uncovering’s. Support, excuses, surprises and silence. Self discovery, lessons and reactions. Loss, change and excitement. Lastly, yes, pain, loneliness, guilt, shame and helplessness. Come with me in hope.
I make no excuses, again, just possible reasons. Besides should I die tomorrow, Sydney will have this Hub to know her mother always wanted her, never gave up and loved her more than is humanly possible.
I was 27, an upper level supervisor, on a global advertising accounts, working for the hottest creative agency in town. Making a ton of money and not saving a cent of it, gladly. I was flying first class around the world constantly.
Now with grade 8 education, there is no easy way to get to such a position. Well maybe one, but that I did not once offer. Laying on my back was just not an option for me, I had to make this work.
I worked hard, started as a receptionist and after hours, read every piece of correspondence that office produced. I listened to the creative teams and asked a hell of a lot of questions. 6 promotions and 3 agencies later, I was at the top of my game.
I was living with a wealthy race car driver at the time which also demanded a great deal of traveling. I do love air miles. He was 20 years my senior and really taught me everything there is to know from business, etiquette, fun, famous people, risk, sex, to living on the edge. Oh, and cocaine.
It’s no secret to anyone who knows me, or now, who didn’t, that I am today, a recovering Heroin and Cocaine IV drug addict.
I was however, a very active drug addict back throughout those years. Any addict will tell you one feeds off another and I now had ample supply and someone to do it with. Not just on weekends anymore, but daily. Oddly enough, he never seemed to need as much as me and since he had to stop on Wednesday's for race weekends it left double for me. I clearly had no problem with this arrangement.
This also detailed agreeable terms of never marrying, no children and an ‘open’ relationship. Having a great need to feel loved, (whole other Hub on why) I believed this is what I wanted as well. Never once doubted it.
The Change
One night after another 14 hours of fun, and I do mean that, I loved working. I headed out for a drink and some powder (which I had been doing all day at the office anyway). I met this Jewish guy, my age, quiet yet had a way about him I can’t explain. You could tell he had not been around women for long periods of time. Certainly not this kind of woman. Once we shared some powder and he started buying the drinks, one hour quickly turned into 5.
I thought he was quite the gentleman as he grabbed the parking ticket from my car refusing me to pay for it myself. Followed me home in his Corvette to make sure I got home okay. Not one kiss or move did he gesture. The way I was living and how I was living made this guy look like a Prince. I bet he doesn’t have multiple sex orgies and disregard his women for not participating.
I thought he was charming, masculine, handsome, classy, funny, a gentlemen, romantic, smart, well educated, wealthy, he had style, simple, shy, reserved, trustworthy, a leader, committed, driven, fun, unique, different, lovable, huggable, sexy, new, playful, easy going, laid back and a man’s man.
This from 5 hours of beer and Blow chatting about life on our terms. These were some of the things I thought, and so since I thought them, they were so.
He, Brian, would become my future husband, and later, Sydney’s father.
For the record, whether he was those things, or not, I never once thought he was otherwise. Looking back, and not from bitterness or anger, not from resentment or disappointment, I really never knew him. My role in this, is exactly that. I never let him be him, I had already created who I thought he was. How could anyone live up to those kinds of expectations?
He turned out to be from an extremely wealthy family. This importance of this becomes critical, in many ways, shortly. I still was making very good money myself and was determined to be independent of anyone. I believed he respected that, but I don’t know.
He had a large family, and as I mentioned, Jewish. Not Orthodox by any means, but certainly Conservative. Marrying a non-Jewish girl was, well, just unacceptable, with no exceptions.
So, I’ll just become Jewish, I decided, long before he even proposed. I knew he couldn’t propose if I wasn’t Jewish, and my storybook life was now planned to the last detail.
I am driven and determined once I set my mind on something. While these character traits have granted me much success, they have also created many other irrational behavioral and coping mechanisms that I would take back, if I could.
So it took 3 years of study and ceremonial rituals to become a Jew. I knew more about Judaism than Brian and his entire family. We would laugh about it together at their devoted family Friday night dinners.
His family embraced me like I had never experienced before. I was now part of a tight, protected unit that thought the world of me and gave me more than I felt, I ever deserved.
I truthfully don’t ever remember Brian mentioning anything about my conversion. He never did say much to me, about me, as a rule, anyway. Maybe he understandably was freaked out because of the obvious expectations, after all I had done and worked so hard, to be with him. He must have felt obligated now to marry me. If only I had stopped trying so hard for a minute to see what was really happening and who I was effecting, like my family, I could have had some insight.
If only even one time Brian and I had communicated. It was just was not part of our relationship.
That was that. So for 2 years we got high every day, dealt with his suicidal Headaches, my mental illness, his family pressures for both of us, my family’s confusion on what Judaism was, work for me and for him, a masters degree in architecture.
All said and done, we were just going through the motions. We had one good thing going for us, we laughed a lot, although reflecting now, maybe it was the drugs, you think?
When he proposed with his laid back, easy going manner while I jumped up and down crying I transformed into a psychopath. My reaction to his proposal was probably the start of his falling out of love with me.
Being as driven as I am, I produced the entire wedding, from the seating cards to arranging marriage classes with the Rabbi. It was beautiful, large, memorable and every girls dream day come true. The entire evening, we both however remained preoccupied on using drugs without being seen. Very difficult with 250 people wanting to congratulate you or have that just one dance. The washroom was constantly full of traffic. We managed however, and no one disputed, to claim our need for just a few minutes alone together. How romantic.
This co-dependent and dysfunctional couple headed off to St. Martin, for a paradise honeymoon. I mention this, because, it was then, that I conceived, who would later become, Sydney.
It was there everything was guaranteed now to change.
The Pregnancy
I am not exaggerating when I tell you I knew I was pregnant the very next day. Rather, a strong feeling I had.
So there it was, I, really was.
We were living in a new house fully decorated with all the wedding gift trimmings, I was glowing and occasionally Brian and I would share words. We talked less and less, as time went by. Time went by so fast, surprisingly. I was completely focused on my pregnancy, while he, on weed and TV. Neither one of us working but seemingly very busy with people.
You do also marry your spouses family when you say I do. In my case, I married Brian’s family first, then him as well. I tried to be everything a newly, converted Jewish, expecting daughter in law, should be. As a new bride, I was not at all impressive, mainly because I had no husband present to be a wife for.
My first memory of his possible regret is so vivid in my mind. As I looked at him while I was walking down the aisle, he couldn’t look me in the eye. I felt a loss for the first time in that moment, which I chose to ignore.
I chose to ignore the major next clue he was not liking me when the pregnancy caused no reaction whatsoever at any given moment. His mother and mine, attended ultrasound appointments with me. I made an average of 20 family calls a day on my progress and excitement. Overall, could have just been he was just so laid back and easy going because he really never reacted to anything. Except money.
At 6 months pregnant I was ordered to be bedridden. I had placenta privy which would fix itself, in an unknown amount of time, as long as I remained horizontal. I was now looking at a very high risk pregnancy and a husband who couldn’t be more confused.
It was around this time the ongoing pressure from his large family became unbearable. For him, expectations to make money, be an architect, clean up his act, dress better, be a better husband. Get ready for fatherhood, take a bigger role in the family, help his father with the business. Do your chores, clean the boats, open the cottage. Take care of your expecting sick wife. This he got when before he was just chilling, stoned, in front of the tube. He blamed me for so much of this, I am convinced.
I had my pressures and expectations from them as well. Don’t move so much, choose a labor coach, stop being so stressed out. It wasn’t healthy to be on the phone all the time, learn to love these baby necessities. Accept they were choosing and bringing the baby’s Hebrew name , given it was already known to be a girl. Your shower we’re bringing to you and you must stay lying down. Stop focusing on this ridiculous mental illness, it’s just in your head. Depression is curable with a more positive attitude. Accept a full time housekeeper we chose, we know who’s good. You shouldn’t be alone, we’ll make sure your not, alternating shifts.
I had no say in my child’s arrival or choice of her necessities. For me, the fun part of a new child was going to be the nesting period. They controlled everything. They alternated someone at my home 24/7. I had no privacy and medically unable to take my psychotropic medications. I was really feeling the scary side effects. With Brian busy helping his Father and executing his duties, we never saw each other at all. We heard about each other through his family. I was this prisoner surrounded by kidnappers and hunters, who allowed no room for my family or friends. They took over everything, and continued to for the rest of our relationship.
This is the most important detail of my loss, was his family’s power and control.
The place where you, we, all started
Now we’re back studying Sydney at 10 minutes old when I named her despite alternate, firm choices, from his family. Brian was there too, but it was all a little much for him. He sat alone, on the other side of the operating room, while, I’m sure, he prayed.
His face glowed when he saw Sydney. It was unlike anything I will ever witness again. This laid back, easy going man realized he was a father and even better, shined with such pride when he too saw Sydney’s vulnerable perfection. I was so shocked. I was so happy. I was convinced our relation just converted instantly, to the real thing.
Just lastly regarding her birth. As I cut the chord that physically bound us, I felt a pain in my soul, because I didn’t want to. Cutting that chord confirmed to me I was letting go of a guarantee. A guarantee she could never go far. That moment would end up having been, an insight, as a metaphor, for what was to come.
Now if you have read these past 2,798 words with me, I bless you and wonder if you shouldn’t do a Hub on Hubbers doing too long of Hubs. However, I have made this as short as possible and did leave out many details, as you can imagine. We’re at the last quarter of this book now, and I hope you come along with me to the end. Sydney needs to know things. This Hub, can give her that.
The months following
Back in our house, we both were learning to parent a fragile, helpless, unconditional, sweet child, whom we couldn’t seem to keep happy. I kept being told, all newborns were like this, but I was determined to make Sydney’s life pain free, on every level. I wasn’t able to breast-feed which was a blessing given I was back on drugs again. We both were.
I will only speak about myself. The remorse I feel to this day, my disease of addiction, was my only source of relief that gave me the ability to cope. It came in the form of powder and ignited through a syringe. This is the first defect I own that caused my defect to be a mother. Regardless of how powerless I was, no child, although millions have to, should have an alcoholic or addictive parent trying to care for them.
My illnesses. I am Bi-Polar, with a Borderline Personality Disorder and ADD. I was unmedicated by choice, and now postpartum was infecting me, rapidly. The postpartum depression began igniting the effects of my other mental illnesses. Catastrophe was inevitable when I continued to use and try to rid of my symptoms. Not my fault, but mental illness lead my defects and my soon approaching, life changing, loss.
I refused to ask for help emotionally. I couldn’t show weakness or his family would look badly upon me. Brian would escape further away and Sydney would have a coward, mental psycho, addict for a mother. Surely if I reached out, she we be told one day, by someone, for sure. These were my medically unmedicated, and, own self medicated thoughts. I tried too hard at everything, and was really bad at being good for this reason.
I grew angry at myself first then at his family for continuing to control our lives. Mostly at Brian for sleeping all the time, excuses of headaches and spontaneously leaving, pretending he had a quote to deliver. I never saw him work one day the entire time we were together. I missed my family so much. His family had a way, in large numbers, of leaving no room for anyone but them. They were the ones that were going to teach me how to MOTHER. They did. Rather they managed mothering, hands on, no exceptions to their methods. Quietly taking my role away completely, all the while, knowing how sick I was.
My suicide attempt didn’t skip a heart beat for this family. ‘We’ll just keep raising her’, I remember his mother saying. I believe unaware what she had confessed to. My attempt resulted in me form-admitted back to the psychiatric ward. In the lock down unit for 4 months. Now was the final opportunity for his family to have complete control of Sydney too. I saw her once because she got the Chicken Pox and was infectious to those on the ward. I felt that was a long time to be infectious.
I wasn’t stupid but I was ashamed and scared.
My separation from her was worse than anything they could do to me on the ward. My anger continued to grow as I felt alone, guilty, sick, and unable to help or love my only child.
The Shock
As I continued to recover and became stable on my medications, I returned to a home that was no longer mine. They were in complete control. I don’t think Sydney even recognized me. Brian ignored me.
I know now a plan was being executed and I was too ill to see it. Nor did I have the strength to fight it if I had known. Some may say I am selfish and should be grateful for all the continual help. Except in my head, help is something you do with someone and I was no longer in the equation, especially upon my return.
I was grateful, they went to the psychiatrist appointments with me, took care of Sydney, hired yet another Nanny and Housekeeper, took care of Brian’s financial needs, and mine, for that matter. We needed for nothing, winter in Florida, Summers at the cottage. They were in complete control of our entire financial needs. They continually draped us with expensive gifts and living luxuries.
Out of no where Sydney was 2 years old. His family arranged this Birthday party as well, I knew very few people and the ones I did, I didn’t like at all.
I never did fit in. Rich and Jewish were 2 exact opposite things I had always been. Any financial success was self made and I never had to depend on a soul. I took great pride in that. But now since the bedridden pregnancy and mental illness struggles, I hadn’t worked in over 2 years. Without their support, and Brian not working, and me not able to work, we would be homeless, panhandling for food.
But of course this would never happen, Brian would move back home first and throw me to the dogs, never looking back.
Oddly, that’s exactly what he did. In the middle of the night. Of course I did not discover this until 8 am the next morning when I awoke to silence.
He took Sydney with him and his family disappeared.
To this day I am afraid to sleep. I get a strong feeling of fear I am going to miss out on something. Regardless my something has already been taken.
My daughter, husband, in-laws, security, support and nerves were gone.
The Victims, Sydney and I
Obviously my first reaction was they had taken Sydney for a walk or to their house so I could get some much needed sleep.
I’ve always thought people’s intentions are genuine before malicious. I just don’t think any other way.
Besides, even you, reading this, wouldn’t have assumed to have lost everything with no known signs or warning.
By 10 am I started calling both Brian and his family, no one would answer the phone. Panic started setting in. What if something had happened to Sydney and they tried calling me, but, I’m such a sound sleeper, I didn’t hear the phone.
His and his families cars were gone, I ran back to the nursery for a clue and did notice her toys were gone, many of them. So she had to be there playing with daddy and the family.
I walked over to their house which took me 15 minutes. No one answered the door. All the cars were there, including Brian’s with Sydney’s stroller parked right behind.
I rang and rang the doorbell, banged on the door, the windows. I was so confused. Had an ambulance taken her with them? Were they somewhere else in walking distance?
Just then his mother opened the front door and I took my in an hour. I smiled like usual and proceeded to walk in the door, as usual. She Stopped me. Her words, as I will never forget, were, You are not welcome here and Brian and Sydney are now living here. A truck will be by the house to collect ‘our’ belongings and Brian has nothing to say to you.
Why, what Happened? What did I do? Why can’t I see them? Who decided this? What will happen? Let me just talk to Brian. Can I give Sydney a kiss? I was cut off and answered with a firm demand to leave the property as I was know trespassing.
I stopped breathing. The amount of panic that hit me would cause a stroke if I was a bit older.
I know now, for a fact, Brian and his family had been planning this for months. I also now know this all stems from having a mental illness and in their eyes being defective, unstable, a faker, damaged, not suitable, not normal, incoherent, slow, sick, a failure, not curable, crazy, not good enough, unacceptable, not up to this families standards and mostly, ‘weak.’
I froze on their front lawn, standing there like a garden ornament unable to move,not knowing what to do next. Surely I thought this was illegal. There is no way you can just take a baby from your spouse and have your family guard and determine the perimeters.
Who was ‘weak’?
Figuring this was not legal, I ran to the closest police station a half hour away. Didn’t stop once. Hyperventilating, I begged the counter clerk for immediate help. I had to wait and speak to an officer. All I asked for is if they would please escort me so that I may see my daughter and their would be legal proof I just entered the house to give her a kiss and leave.
They informed me the police do not do this form of escorting and no laws had been broken, at this point. Should it continue, it would be something I would have to deal with in court. Court could take months, sometimes years, but given the situation I could probably get in soon, and to make sure I get a good lawyer.
They left for a minute, and when they returned offered a favor to escort me there one time. They did too. When I got to the house cherries silently flashing we entered the house with the families willing, kind permission. They literally said, ‘of course she can see Sydney’ and I was sure the cops thought I was nuts too. They must have been glad they were there at this point, just in case I was.
It was written in the police report, how cordial they were and panicked, or ‘out of control’ I was. There was 6 of them and 1 of me. With 2, now suspicious, officers.
The family all had been eating and Sydney was still in her highchair. The sight of 2 strange men in uniforms with hats and noises from their radios frightened Sydney to screech and cry uncontrollably. This was no good and Sydney wouldn’t calm down, even by my touch. We had to leave so she could calm down. Their smirks are tattooed like tossed salad in my mind. There was 6 of them and 1 of me. With 2, now suspicious, officers.
I never did get to kiss her.
It was written in the police report, how cordial they were and panicked, or ‘out of control’ I was.
Following this episode, I was not welcome despite desperate attempts in their home where Sydney was being held and Brian was being a coward.
I hit the drugs hard and in my arms and legs, even my neck. I didn’t have a ton of money saved, but enough to kill me and it’s amazing I didn’t die. I immediately, with the support of my family, went to rehab and a court date was set.
I mentioned earlier how wealthy this family was. Well, I’m telling you ‘commercial real estate millionaires’ wealthy. They could afford not just a lawyer, but the best family lawyers money could buy.
My parents spent everything they could and I sold all my diamonds that I had on my body. I planned to sell the contents of the house and maybe all of it combined would buy me a descent lawyer.
The End, Even now
At the end of the day, surely it didn’t matter, given I never did anything wrong. Kidnapping was not even an option for me to charge given I had no proof of being refused visitation to Sydney.
So I returned home after 30 days in rehab determined to study and research my options on getting my daughter back.
He had emptied the house. Of all the contents. Everything, I mean, everything.
I slept on the floor of what use to be Sydney’s nursery. That is, when I could sleep. I was so very scared, so alone, and becoming hopeless.
It would take another hub to detail the happenings from then until the court date.
I will say, it entailed being followed and watched to mocking and patronizing me. No visits with Sydney whatsoever except one where Brian and I took her for a walk and he ended up being wired. He taped our entire conversation. Again my desperation seemed odd given his plea that this was not his idea and he felt just terrible.
The cost of my lawyer allowed me two visits, following that I got a newly graduated, legal aid lawyer. Brian had a team of 6 lawyers, award winning for their elite clientele and record breaking lawsuit success.
Avery long, emotionally exhausting arbitration seemed endless, full of lies and viscous accusations. Nothing was left unreported and I looked and felt like that crazy, incapable, defected woman who was so weak.
Brian bought the conclusion to this custody hearing. Before hours, with his lawyers and brother (also a lawyer), in chambers, behind closed doors.
Whether you believe me or not, it’s true. Money talks. In this case it bought the words “Full custody to Brian and supervised visitation for Kimberly. The supervisor shall be chosen and paid by Brian. Will review again in one year.” No REASON.
I was awarded $3,000.00 a month in spousal support. I then couldn’t help but relapse and stick all that money in my veins, live as an addict and rented a small bachelor with a bed, table and 2 chairs. I saved enough a month for rent and minimal food. I’d straightened up for the Saturday visits with Sydney, but my anxiety because of their supervisor and pain of knowing in 2 hours I had to again say goodbye was too much for me to handle.
I admit it. I couldn’t handle the visits. Reports would come back to me full of lies. After all, they were paying this supervisor, very well I may add.
This was never going to end, I was weak. Slowly I started canceling our visits and slowly she would be at the cottage or in Florida for months at a time with his family.
There’s no bomb that completes my and Sydney’s nearly non-existant relationship. Instead it was a stretched out train of events that neither of us deserved.
I did the best I could still rotating psychiatric wards like fast food restaurants. I was active in my addiction and suicidal.
When I tell you it is a saving grace God didn’t give her to me, I say that with the most love possible. I was too sick too be able to care for a child. I was also too vulnerable to handle visitations that left me empty and paranoid.
There is no rhyme or reason for any one part of this chapter in my life.
The photo above was my last visit with Sydney and the one time she kissed me first. It is a magical moment in my life, that I have. I only wish she could have it too.
The thoughts I own
Not in these 5,539 words I just wrote (for the first time) could I even start to express the moments I have spent, in regret, with anger, all alone, feeling helpless, so sick, shaking scared, in self-pity, pathetically desperate, quickly running, rapidly thinking, getting high, hallucinating, praying and wishing, charting and re-tracing, sneaking and investigating, talking then not talking, in therapy, hours crying, self medicating, slowly dyeing, worst of suffering, and trying to hide most my days in denial.
I want reason. Not Justice or excuses but reasons. For her sake. So she can know the truth. I have not seen her in 9 years as I mentioned.
I need to give her one thing that’s impossible. To give her back the the time we have missed apart.
I will keep hope today and continue my efforts in recovery so if or when the day comes for her to seek me out, I can be present and be real.
I promise she will never hear a negative word from my lips about Brian or his Family and will only be told from the absolute truth.
I hope I see her soon…..
Because my baby girl has no Mommy.
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The Comments
An incredible story, so tragic. I pray that you and Sydney will be reunited one day, God willing. What's so sad to me is that his family could have helped you and instead they chose to destroy you. What horrible, selfish people. You are a remarkable person, don't ever forget that. Sydney is blessed to have you as a mother, because whether you're in her life or not, you are, and will always be a part of her.
Thank you -I have tears of thanks in my eyes. Bless
I see this is long, and I'm tired. Will return to read it darlin'. CC chin up
don't blame you ralwus, thanks though xo
Wow Lyricsingray
What a life you had so far, a bunch of traggic happenings one following the other, the fact that you are able to write this and share this, shows that you are a strong woman.
You are a strong independent woman, don't forget that, try to look forward, try to look at the future, and i am positive sydney will come back in your life, when she gets older.
She will start making questions about who her mother is and when it's time, and she comes back in your life, she will see, that inside her, she always had and will have her mother within her.
God bless you and Sydney
Kimberly it just makes me sick thinking about Brian’s family, and his cowardice. What unbearable anxiety you had to endure. What ignorance his family displayed. Your brain chemistry has been off, probably since the day you were born, and drove that need to attempt to self medicate. It is no more your fault than if you had diabetes or cancer.
Keep building your “portfolio”. You have your writing and your other addiction work to document how strong and driven you are. You have many enviable traits. What would Brian’s portfolio show? I hope with all my might you have the opportunity to share with Sydney someday soon.
Much love, Rose Mary
steffer, my god thank you and bless you xo
rm, I will truly never forget your words and thank you from the bottom of my heart
I love you darling and your ability to take your power back..love me
I love you too mom, thanks
Kimberly,
My heart breaks for you and Syndey. You are a strong, powerful and courageous person and a special mom. I pray that your time to be with Syndey will come soon.
Warm hugs and love,
Beth
Mustn't give up hope. :D
Can't do anything much for you, but don't give up.
Hello, lyricsingray, I read every word and I don't think or saw that you are weak. You had a top job achieved by yourself. You admitted that you are an addict and stopped it and sure that must cost a hell of a strength. Many points you mentioned sounded very familiar to my own life. My ex-husband also was influenced by his family and friends and he was too weak to stand up against them. My marriage broke up and I am struggling ever since, mainly financially. They accused me of everything there was. He pressured me to get me and our sone out of the house. He and them grind me down to nothing and they do it so slowly, you don't realize how gradually you go down. When I started divorce, he promised and promised. I fell for it, stopped it, and it lasted 4-6 weeks and back again.
Lyricsingray, you remember who you are and get that idea out of you head that you are weak. Look what you already achieved. Just stand up and by yourself. You are more worse than he is, never forget. He never achieved anything apart living from his family's money. Big deal for a man and giving in to them all the time. One thing I thought when I didn't know where to turn to, I thought I will never loose my self-respect because I am who I am and I am just as good if not better than them. You stand up and stand by yourself and you will one day soon see things come right. You keep focussed on your goal and these people fall by the wayside. My ex-husband keeps knocking on my door but there is no turning back. I took too much too long and that you also did. With my very best wishes and keep your reason for doing anything in front of you, you will get there.
I hope that you find the strength to carry on. Your love for your daughter Sydney is the impetus to push you forward to becoming not only a better mother, but a better person. The day will come when the two of you will be reunited. Until that time comes, have hope and never ever give up.
Lyrics,
It is so difficult to put into words the emotions I felt reading this tragic tale. I felt your confusion, your need to belong, your joy, your terror. When you are ready to see Sydney, I hope you won't find all of the obstacles in place as they were before. Brian's family reminds me of moneyed and powerful tyrants I have known in my life as well, I am so sorry you had to deal with them on such an intimate level.
This is a beautifully written tribute to your daughter, she will grow to understand.
Beth, thank you so very much, truly
Thank you for sharing. Such a sad story. -hugs for you-
Won't give r2, thanks
Hello, your sharing means a great deal to me not to mention your supportive words, thank you everso much.
Dohn, bless you for your support
Thank you Lorlie and for reading this forever long piece, you are a dear friend
I am taken back with gratitude of all your support, encouragement and kind words, without judgement.
This piece was one more step in a long journey of healing and I am just so fortunate I had all of you here along with me. Thank you. Bless you
Without Fear and Hope there is no vision, only aged ignorance and indecision...........You my dear are very fortunate to have survived a fast and hard 40. I admire your courage and spirit not to quit on love. EVER!. May you continue to have the anchored deep strength and clear vision to see and know your daughter face to face. The only thing impossible is nothing. It will happen!..............
lyricsingray......you are stronger than any human being i know. Always remember you have a disease, Brian doesn't!!!!!! You have always been incredibly smart, talented, caring, grateful, loving, kind, honest, fun and the list can keep going on and on and on. What can be said for Sydney's father....i dare not put in words. Or for that matter to the grandparents who thought money was more important than a MOTHERS LOVE AND TOUCH. Always remember Sydney has and always will have your genes. The day will come when your little girl and you will be reunited. Sydney is blessed to have you as her mother. xoxoxo
Michael, thank you for your beautiful words and poetic support xo
Thank you and I am blessed to have you as my cous, i love you
lyric, this was a sad story but the end has not yet been written. You are improving, you are getting stronger and will continue to do so. I know that one day you and Sydney will be reunited. I also can't help but think that one day Sydney will be very angry with the part that Brian and his parents played and you must be there full strength to help her.
Flightkeeper, thank you, you are very very kind, Bless.
Flightkeeper, thank you, you are very very kind, Bless.
The tears are just rolling down my cheeks. I was there, only they were Italian, and very controlling.
I begged the police to help me find my son when my husband went into hiding with him. They wouldn't do a thing. So I packed up my car and headed for Alaska with my 2 older kids...and as I see it...GAVE UP!
You are, and were, much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
You also have a huge heart. I'm confident that things will turn out right you, it's just going to take some time.
Love, Wendi
Wendi, see, now you made me and Cheri cry - thank you and I'm sorry for your pain we share. Bless.
Dearest Kimberly,
Your daughter is beautiful. Your story is at once familiar (wish it weren't) but so "you" that it could only have been written by you. Clean and sober. And getting to that point is a miracle.YOU are a miracle.
The story of Brian and his family does read like a tragedy (I kept thinking -- this should be made into a screenplay, at least you could make some money off it).But I understand for you it's all about making sense of those lost years.
Searching for the right saying here. This one comes to mind:
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
Hard as it is, try to stay in the now, where your strength and your sanity are.
God is watching over you and also over Sydney.
When and how Syndey comes back into your life is in His hands.
You have friends around the world praying for you. Esp me,MM
xoxoxo
so much love to you and hugs all around you. know you are loved by so many. Keep strong and keep going. you have so much reason to do so..love
Mighty Mom, firstly, thank you for taking the time to read this extremely long Hub, more importantly thank you for your words, as I did need to hear them this evening and be reminded something much bigger than I has a plan, and to keep faith and hope. God Bless You and sincerely, Thank you xoxo
Dorothy, thank you. And I will keep strong,if nothing else, I too in return love so many, like you, Thanks,xoxox
lyrics, i have no words at the moment to express how this hub every last word of it has touched me. We all go thru sh8t, some worse than others, some you can take the wound and let the scab turn into a scar . .but this i know(though my situation is different there are a few common themes) i can tell you the pain you live with each and every second of the day is something that even if a scab was to form over the wound it can never heal .. no scar comes because the scab that stopped it for a second is at any moment ready to ooze again. If ever you need to talk . .. vent. . .share. . scream . .whatever .. just wave to me.
And just remember whatever does not kill us makes us stronger . . . there is a lesson to be learned here . .it may not be clear but one day it will .. and I know in my heart if you keep up on the path you are on . .your daughter will one day know her mother and what a proud girl she will be. No one comes to the earth like grass, we come like trees, we all have roots . and you are part of her tree and no one and nothing will stop her. . the day will come . .I just feel it. . There is an old Jewish Proverb. . think about it for a while. 'What the daughter does, the mother did'.
Sydney will find you.
Love and Light
Wavegirl, um, ah, I, mh, se,ch,lo,th, um,
I am choking from the grateful lump in my throat. Your words have now touched me in a way I needed them to. How do I thank you for your compassion, your support, your advice, your kindness, your offer, your ability to strengthen my hope. I don't know how but thank you, god bless and I will never forget this comment, again,thank you.
Feel free to e-mail me whenever you need it.
Nothing I can say, can describe how I feel.
My heart is with you !
I have issues seeing two of my three kids, too. In fact, I am not even going to write about it here. I am not trying to draw attention to myself. I just want you to know you are not alone regarding issues of custody, visitation, the inability to bond with your kids and so forth.
E-mail me if you wish. I don't feel like going into here and stealing your thunder or even posting it for all to see. I am simply saying: yeah, I know. I get it and you're not alone.
Mine wasn't taken from me, she passed away. I am also BP which is in part why I lost her. Her name was SueAnn.
My heart aches for you... but find strength in your hope. Fight as hard as you can and don't let the demons of doubt take control of you. Even in the darkest hour, please remember: she is away from you, but she is not gone from you.
You are strong enough.
Peace and love
Jen
You have my thoughts....
Tantrum, thank you I can't find the words either, o glad ou were here
thanks wsp, I really do see I am not alone, especially now, and Jen so sorry for your loss. It just shouldn't be possible,loss that is thank you both, your word bond in my mind for forever
Misha, I do and thank you, Bless.
Your story has touched so many people, myself included.
Thank you Aqua and for stopping by and reading as well :-)
We all have our own life experiences, some happy some not so happy but we all learn from them, even from this very sad part of your life.
You are strong, you are independant, you are a good mother, you are you. None of us are perfect, we all have things we dont like to say or think about but writing them here hopefully will let you get out what needs to come out and start to feel that you are not alone. You have your family and true friends but sometimes it is easier to put things down and see that you are not alone, ever.
You are putiing things right the only way you know how and thats good for you and for sydney in the future.
Never give up hope, she will come back into your life when the time is right and you have made a start in making that sooner.
I can only send you my greatest good wishes, always here.
xx
Kimberly, in the short distance of time that we have had a digital rapport, I can firmly say that I have rarely met anyone as strong and courageous as yourself.
The scars are wide, yet you probe them for the truth. That in itself is quite a feat. Your strength has brought a great healing to those scars, and there is more to come.
Sydney does indeed have a mother, and no slouch of a mother at that. Her heart pounds your name and someday you will feel it.
I promised you I would return, I did. I read and was overwhelmed. I knew not long after 'meeting' you that you are a remarkable woman with a story to tell. It is a story well written with love throughout, but the story is not ended yet and you do have hope. Focus on your recovery, be well and it shall come, your dream, No, you cannot return to her the lost years other that in the telling. When you do 'get' her back, make the most of it and build on what you have become. She is a sweet looking kid, beautiful. I commend you for the courage it took to share this with the world. Thank you dear Kim. CC
Thanks for sharing! Ten minutes have passed and I'm speechless and that doesn't happen too often...
O.k. here goes, "I agree with everything everyone has said, and please don't stop believing that a mother's Faith, Love, and Time can and will transcend all wrongdoings."
wow Kim, my heart goes out to you girl. I feel for you and I mourn with you. Will explain that in private.
I'm sorry but I had to laugh part of it, although none of it was funny, all of it but the notion that 'mental illness is all in your head and to if you're depressed, just think happy thoughts, just be happier.'!! What a load of Sheeeet!!! Sounds like my moms answer to depression, but that will be saved.
I hate people (rich people I meant), never met a rich jew but, I guess that is because I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth. I did not wear 'what all the other kids were wearing' not because I couldn't afford to, not because mom couldn't/wouldn't buy them for me, but because clothes were never a top priority for me.
But I got off topic, my sister brother in law have money, well other wise, there would be no reason for her to have married him and they think that money is the only thing that matters in life. It is all an illusion, a house of cards of secrets, lies, deceit and living off of her husbands parents, waiting on them to die so he can collect his inheritence
scorpian_woman,thank you and yes, writing this here is healing and like with you, shows me I am not alone, and I am most grateful.
Drifter, your words bring me tears of gratitude, bless you my dear friend
Thank you sweet rawlus, thank you for coming back and your support, Bless.
Thank you Moneyglitch, I won't, ever.
Franki, thanks and I never knew what money could buy, but I have learnt, everything, and now I know, not quite, thank you
I read your story and I couldn't stop until I read every last comment. Like everyone else I wish you could get those years back with your daughter. But, if she knows your alive, and if there is anyway she can contact you, she will. Around seventeen years old, for me at least, your own mortality hits you like a ton of bricks. When that happens to her, she is going to want to know the people that put her on this earth. She going to realize she does not have forever to do it. And regardless of what her Father or her Family tells her, she going to find you. That hole in your heart is just as deep in her heart. It wont matter what you did. You are in great shape when she comes looking for you. And that's all that will matter to her. Take it from someone who never got the chance your daughter will have. Just keep youself healthy and be patient. If there's a way posible, she will contact you.
Friendlyword, I am so touched by your comment and your support helped me a great deal tonight, truly. You are very kind and I am blessed you came by, Thank you.
That was heart breaking :( i can't believe Brian did that. But i do know that you and Sydney will be together again some day Kim :)
Bless you Cisco you are so kind, just am glad you feel that way, it offers me support in a great way, thank you very much.
My heart aches for you, but I believe what goes around comes around and Brian and his family will get theirs. How cruel of them to take her away from you. I'm sure she will come looking for you in the near future and they won't be able to stop her like they did you. Keep being strong, my prayers are with you :)
messerc, I so much appreciate you coming by with such a supportive comment. Thank you Kindly
Hi my dear Lyricsingray, I was really touched by what I read and all I can say is that your beautifull daughter will find you ,that is sure. My sisters and brothers was raised by a step mother,and at the age of 14 I was told that this women wasnt my mum. At that point it became clear why she did not love us and from that day our only thought was to find our real mother. It took a long time and we were all reunited when I was 19. Since then we have been inseperable. Basically all I am saying is that there is a bond between Mother and her children which cannot be broken. It exists forever. Take care my dear sister Lyricsingray I will pray for you. My husband my son and my brother send they love and pray for you too. If you need me please dont hesitate to e.mail me if you want to talk I can give you my tel number its not a problem. Thank you for sharing your story and trusten all of us, you are wonderfull person. God Bless you my dear friend Lyricsingray.xxx
I will pray your heart will be restored to your daughter one day! She will be longing for you too, as she get's older, if she hasn't started already.
This story just breaks my heart. I don't know what to say. Please don't ever give up hope. I will go to sleep tonight with this child on my mind. And I will think of you daily..I understand your illness. I want you to know that. God bless you..
It must have been tough and really glad that you are sharing these. I'm sure in the midst of all these and your sharing, this begins your healing process. God bless and hugs!
Thank you very much for sharing your story with us. Despite everything that happened, please stay strong and always hope for the best. I'm pretty sure Sydney is still looking for you and perhaps, someday, she will get to read this hub of yours. Stay strong and take care.
blogshopreview, bless you and thank you for your comment
restormyheart, how appropriate a name for this piece and I thank you for your support, truly
Keira thank you and I pray for that bond
donotfear I am holding onto hope, and your helped that, thank you
I hope so, I pry so emivil, thank you for saying so.
i cannot read all this it is too sad i will come back. You are alive, that child will one day look for you..... my sister is dead due to alcoholism and mental illness her 16 year old daughter would love to see her.
I will come back to this, and comment again.
I'm so sorry for your loss poetlorraine, but thank you, and don't read it if it triggers this pain, thank you so much for tying, bless you
i will come back to it..... i feel pain for you also, but you never know what will happen in the fullness of time.... where there is life there is hope, you certainly have life my love xxx
And you have mine my dear, God Bless
My heart breaks for you as I have a six-year-old daughter and cannot imagine being separated from her. If you don't mind I would like to share a couple of scriptures with you.
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
I (the Lord) will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten. Joel 2:25
I will keep you in my prayers.
Thank you Car jean (my middle name also) and bless you
Your story about losing Sydney is very sad, Kim, but you're brave to share it, and I'm sure that your doing so will be of help to others. Like Chris, I hope and pray that you will one day be reunited with your lovely daughter. In the meantime, I hope you will continue to be strengthened by the fact that there
are people with you on your journey who are loving and supportive and want
the very best for you. Blessings upon you and upon Sydney.
you've an honesty about you that's spectacular, rare and precious. It's hard to write anything without appearing vacuous, but thank you. That's all I've got.
Earl, I am deeply moved you read this and commented, so beautifully I may add. God Bless you and Thank you and I am most grateful that I have people with me on this Journey. XO
Royalternately, thank you - and I agree with the black gloves. Thank you my friend, Kimberly
I can't even begin to understand what you've been through. I can tell you that you are incredibly strong for coming from where you were to getting to where you are today though. That is one journey that many of us wouldn't have gotten through as well as you have.
The important thing to remember is that the past is the past and there is nothing you can do to change it. All you can do is learn from it and move forward. Today is the only day that matters. Today is your chance to do everything you can to get where you want to be. It may take a whole lot of todays to get there, but nothing worth having is easy to get. Stay positive, stay away from everything that you think could possibly drag you down, and just keep moving forward.
I'm not trying to promote or advertise to anything here, I'm just trying to help you out. Checkout www.toolstolife.com. This is one of the best self-help and self-improvement programs that I've found, and it is 100% free. I really think that it might help you closer to where you want to be.
Your story has brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this story. I do hope that you can be reunited with Sydney again. My heart goes out to you and I must say that I am proud of all that you have overcome. I wish you the best and hope that happiness will fill your empty viod someday soon.
It takes a very courageous person to admit their shortcomings to the world. When Sydney one day has the honor of reading this hub she will know and understand. You can hold your head up high but will Brian and his family be able to when Sydney finds out what they are really like?
I wish you well and hope that Sydney gets the opportunity to read this story soon!'
You are very courageous to tell your story here. The love you have for Sydney showed in every word you wrote. You have overcome unimaginable obstacles to get to the place you are now, and by sharing your story you give so much. I hope you know by now that you have many, many people who love and care about you. That won't undo the cruelties of the past, I know, but maybe it will help carry you through today. I pray and have faith that one day you and Sydney will be together again. She is beautiful, and so are you!
Useful knowledge, your comment really touched me, you are so very kin, Thank you
Laura thanks,it makes me feel so good to know that she will read this someday, bless you.
Carol, I will hold our words close to my heart, always. Bless you for coming by and thank you xo
Lyricsingray, I pray that you grow stronger as each day passes. I hope you use the strength that it took for you to share this, build confidence in yourself and know you matter to God! Know that JESUS LOVES YOU! I pray that you reach to Him. I pray that those who are closest to you will help you discover the wonderful hidden parts of you and build a bridge to discovering your purpose. I pray that one day you and Sydney will be together again. HOPE, PEACE AND GOD'S GRACE to you be Encouraged! Blessings!
Thank you bloodnlatex, your comment is so kind, I will check out that site today! Bless you and thanks again.
DeBorrah, my gosh thank you, the support has overwhelmed me and prayer iss getting me through, thank you for your wishes and blessings, they mean a great deal to me.
My God, this was like one of those horrible movies where you are yelling at the screen...what horrible people to take a child from her mother, especially when they could afford to have helped you. But I promise you, we children who have not seen our mothers since we are too young to remember, always seek them out. We need to. They are part of the puzzle of our lives, we need to fill the empty space or what I call "the hole in our hearts". You will see your beautiful daughter again, I know it. And then you can fill the hole in her heart by telling her the truth. You are such a strong person it is amazing. HE was a weak coward. His family were typical rich controlling jews who I promise you will never understand that what they did was wrong. These people always have to lay blame elsewhere. (Oh I am not anti-semetic I am married to a Jewish man), I am just being honest. I can see clearly that in spite of your "weaknesses" you are also an amazing person!
God bless you and Sydney.
Moonchild, you really touched me with your words and I don't know how to thank you. Kimberly
I will pray for you. You made the wrong choice to marry Brian. Don't worry about your beautiful daughter, I am sure that they are taking good care of her! Your writing is very good, write a book, I'm sure it will be a good seller. Drug addition has destroyed a lot of people. You are on your way up again.
Thank you Nan, unfortunately my bad choices effect now an innocent child. That I will live with, but my choices today are for change and growth as you too have indicated. Thank you Nan, I appreciate that you came by.
I read your hub with much trepidation as I too am an addict. I, fortunately, was not as bad as my partner on the drug taking front and he didn't want the responsibilty of two young daughters. I did. My mental illness was not as consuming as yours and I managed to keep my kids with me, in a hostel for the homeless, as he had sold the house form under us, but I do feel your pain as though it were mine.
Do not worry about not seeing Sydney again because she will search for you when she is ready. And she will understand why what happened happened. Get yourself better and make a life for yourself that you can be proud of. Then when she does get in touch with you she will see a fixed mommy, one who she will want to build a relation with. You may have missed the early milestones through no fault of your own but I am sure you will be there for the important ones. And she will want you there.
Good luck with your recovery, take it one day at a time as all addicts have to. Like a phoenix from the flames you will rise again and next time it will be as a mother. Your daughter will always have a mother who loves her. No matter what. And when she realises this your heart will be mended forever.xx
Mamajal, not only are you strong and beautiful when you write, but what you write has touched me deeply. I will never forget your words, I swer Thank you and Bless you
My thoughts and prayers are with you . I hope someday you will meet up with her again and you can be a mom to her.I know you will be a good one.
This hub is hard to take and I hope that you can one day be with your daughter. I could feel the pain as I read your words. You have such strength and it is sad that you lacked the support that you desperately needed. I lost my mother when I was eight and she had a tragic ending and she battled with depression. I wrote a hub on my memory of her. Just thank god you are still here on this earth......and one day you and your daughter will come together at the right time.
Best, GPAGE
Rios, thank you so much and Bless you for stopping by, Thanks
Gpage, I am so sorry for your loss and you certainly have put things in perspective for me and for that I thank you, Bless
I'm so sorry to read your story. Many people would be shocked to learn how easy it is for one parent and family members to get a child completely away from another. You're very right about ability to buy better legal representation versus less high-priced lawyers. The ex-husband and his family should not have done things behind your back, and the court should not have allowed that if they tried.
Sincerest wishes that you remain strong and once again have your daughter in your life.
Kimberly this is the longest hub I have read, but it was worth it. I appreciate your transparency and honesty while you shared your pain. I am so sorry to hear of how you have suffered.
I suggest you create a website or a blog to share your experience with women with similar experiences? In addition, if you write an autobiography it may become a movie one day. It could reach millions and trillions of people who need healing. As you focus on reaching others with a similar plight you will be receiving healing yourself.
I believe in the fullness of time you and Sydney will be reconciled. Be prepared to embrace each other physically and emotionally. Time heals all wounds. Forgive your in laws. Do not be bitter. Meanwhile I will pray for you both. I know you will be writing a hub of reconciliation one day. God bless you. Keep holding on.
lyricsingray, God bless you and your daughter, and I hope for your wellness and for you to be reunited. Many of your issues are familiar to me because they are similar to my sister's, who copes valiantly with ongoing mental illness. She also has not seen her daughter, for about twenty years now, and hasn't stopped thinking of her or loving her one bit.
Lisa, thank you so much for your support
Create a page; thank you so much, yes, I have been writing a book for sometime. It's just too painful for the bulk of the time but I will get it done. I will finish it so she has it. Your right, time does heal most wounds, just wish it would hurry up lol, thanks again.
Paradise, my, god bless your sister and it must take quite a toll on you as well. Your support is so appreciated and boy,mental illness is so difficult and the repercussions it carriers.Thank you tons, xo
I am not sure that I totally understood you correctly, but you are still on & off the track that caused you to loose Sidney. I hope that is incorrect, and I am in no position to make judgment on you. I myself suffer from Manic/Depression/Anxiety Attacks/Severe bladder condition. I didn't deserve my 3 children. For years I was a very on & off Mother, but I had family support. An I took the advice of a very wise person, my mother in law. Once I was diagnosed, it started after delivery of my first child, 2 more later in 1992, it went from seasonal to every second of everyday of my life. When I finally ended up at my Family Physician with the diagnosis, (same Doctor that diagnosed my grandmother who committed suicide when I was 13) I was angry ashamed frightened every emotion possible. She told me to do exactly what the Doctor said, and go to a Psychiatrist & Therapist. Then concentrate on getting better, not what I had done, the past pain I had caused, just concentrate on getting better. Once I did & trusted the Lord God almighty to help me over this hump, I could be a real mother. You can't dwell on the past & what you want for the future. You must take one day at a time & concentrate on getting better so you can prove yourself. I did, and the advise she gave me, kept me from wasting the rest of my chance with my children. You can't be a mother until you have you totally under control & staying in recovery mode. That was 17 years ago, and believe me, it helped me become a better person, and that I have God & my mother in law to thank.....
Sheda, I am so happy for you that you were able to do all the things that were suggested to you. I mean that. We all have struggles, and I by no means dwell on many many things.I simply wrote a chapter of my life for my own sake. Writing is healing for me. I clearly define my state today and my battles have only make me stronger. Thank you for your advice and I wish you continued success with your children and family, as it should be.
This is such a poignant story - my heart goes out to you, Kimberly. While the past has meant so much anguish for you, I do hope your future sees you and your daughter together again. And your daughter DOES have a mother - she still has your wonderful love for her!
Thank you Shalini. Your support means so much. She will read this one day and hear your words too. I Thank you.
Beautifully written and you took an admirable approach in relating your misery and heartbreak, I was very touched by your true humanity and how important it is to you that your daughter read this one day. It makes sense that you both will meet again once she is old enough to make it happen, and until that day never forget that even if you find it in your heart to forgive those who damaged you "just because they could", "the best revenge is living well", obviously you are not so mentally ill as not to know the things that matter most have absolutely nothing to do with money, and you my dear lyricsingray are an overcomer, you have great potential and great insight...the best of your life is still ahead. Much love and admiration!:)
ps...they may not have been diagnosed, but Brian and his family have succumbed to a sort of madness that will drive your child away...remember she is your daughter and she has a good deal of your steadfast personality genetically ingrained in her!
Thank you Deborah. Funny enough I was feeling a bit bummed as I do occasionally thinking of her when your comment came in. You have lifted my spirits and reminded me there is hope. Thanks for your comment, and your timing! xo
It was well written, I understand it is a chapter in your life, I was simply attempting to understand if it is recent. IT is quite poignant & extremely descriptive. I find that is an excellent form of therapy. I know that my life has been filled with turmoil, always living the fight of bringing my past into my present, along with the loss of my children. Not in a literal aspect, but in their own self destructive fashion. So sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't been a bigger blessing for them to have not had a mother, with such conflict. By watching & growing up like that, did I cause their adult problems or was it simply hereditary? Mothers are always wondering what if & always will. It is sad to be with out your child, and one never gets over those overwhelming feelings nor as do we ever totally forgive ourself. but that is me and that is part of me being a mother.
Dear Sheda, we both suffer from the same pain. Pain of loss. Loss of so many, too many things, and I agree, no matter the outcome neither will forgive ourselves. All we can do is the best we can with what we know. I only wish I knew more,especially 12 years ago. However I believe our paths were decided a longtime ago and this is the route we must take. What I don't understand is why you, I and others children's must walk it also. Stay strong, thank you for writing me again and Bless you, xo
Dear lyricsingray, Our Destiny! I have to remind myself everyday. I understand your pain and at some point I will also be willing to share my writings that I have stored away secretly. Hearing you acknowledging you as someone that is very much like myself, helps. We both wish, but we both understand. We have come a long way, and we have to accept the hand life dealt us. May God continue to bless you, no matter how it maybe. We just have to look a little closer to see them as blessing..... Baby steps.
Thank you Sheda, God Bless as well, I only hope the best for you.
I'm speechless. You are a brave woman. You will see her again. My prayers are with you.
Jane@CM,I too know am speechless, thank you for your supportive comment, you made my evening, thanks
I am very close to where you are. I have three daughters and faced a family with more money, more connections, and incredible hate and vengefulness. It hurts every day - every single day. I am SO sorry!
Elusen, I am so sorry for you also, try to stay strong and please try not to be alone, even when you hate it, just don't be alone. Bless. Kimberly
My heart goes out to you .....Keep her in your heart ....write her letters that she might read one day . She will love just as you love her unconditionally .
I lost my grandchildren all under 5 years old , luckily they all reside with a family member but of course NOT with my daughter . Your story has given me strength to share it one day ....Will keep you and your daughter in my prayers .
Firststeps, what a lovely message you have left me. It seems to me you are very familiar with this same pain of loss. I am sorry. Thanks for your kind words and support. Bless
You have endured great pain, and are hoping for "some day". I want to encourage you with this: as a pastor, I have dealt with many kids whose mom was missing from their lives, and even those who knew absolutely nothing good about their Mom still had a natural yearning to find Mom, and to share love with her.
Sydney has probably never been told anything good about you, but God has placed in her a natural desire for her momma, and some day, she will find a way to see you. It may be that you will have to wait until she is "of age", but be patient, and trust.
In the mean time, keep on working on your life, so that when you DO have that opportunity, you will be ready to meet her, and will be able to share the love you feel.
I will be praying that God blesses both you and Sydney, and that he helps you to achieve your goal.
The Lord Jesus said, "I will be with you always." When you are alone and need help, talk to him. He is listening, and He loves you.
TruthTeller, your words and support brought tears of gratitude to my eyes and I am blessed that you came here. God does work in mysterious ways,I thank you so so much, Bless, Kimberly thank you
I know from whence you are coming. I don't mean drug addiction or the exact losses. But I have walked a few miles in your sandals. It's hard to talk about or write about- but somehow the truth and pain flows. The perpetrators seem to sleep easily. Yet, without truth, there is no sanctuary.
So beautifully said Micky, bless you for coming back and may we share our sandals always in hope. Thank you
one day you'll see her again
I sure hope so Rebecca, thanks for the support and hope
I am very sorry for your loss. I could not imagine loosing one of my children. You are a very strong woman. I wish the best for you in your search. Keep on writing and staying strong. I will pray for your reunion with your daughter. I hope it will come soon for you.
natnickee, my gosh, thank you so much, and will stay strong, especially with support from people like you, thank you
You are that babies mother. There is no mother out here that can say they have every single time done right by their child. one of the hard things about being a parent is recognizing that your children experience the consequences of all of our faults as individuals and all of our decsions and in my opinion that is a great pressure to endure. i do not know you but from what i have seen on your sight you seem to have some goodness to offer and i would be honored if you would comment on works on my site as i have veiwed your work and see an abundance of potential. thanks for sharing your struggles.
Gracious, you have truly put things in perspective, and as soon as I finish these current 3 hubs I will definitely be surfing by to dive into your work, much thanks.
Kimberly, honey. Oh, my God. First - you are one of the most courageously honest and tenacious people I have ever met. And even as we have never shared physical space or even spoken on the phone, I feel like I know you enough to justify my deep affection - I consider you one of my dear friends (and I'm including those I'm lucky enough to know in the flesh).
This is breathtakingly honest and you are a hell of an example even just for sharing this - this devastating and poignant and "wow-honest" chapter of your life.
I hope and pray with my deepest intensity, although to no denominational "God" except for that one Name - that you might somehow get the chance to be in your daughter's life again someday, and that you both will fill some of the emptiness in what for you is a HUGE and vulnerable and open and *very* brave heart. Honestly - I knew some of this story already - but not all of it. You are a *hell* of a survivor and I feel even luckier after reading just this one "hub" that I've gotten to know you even a little. God bless and hang in there. -stan
Stan, Bless you my dear friend. Thank you for your words, support and encouragement of hope. I will always be on the look out for her and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Thank you for coming by. Thank you for you. So glad your at HubPages now, we're all lucky to have you here.
good information about it
What a beautiful mother in you that your daughter has. Someday the two of you will be reunited and she will be blessed because she will know that not only does she have a mother who is deeply madly in love with her but also one that will truly be able to understand any and all of life's trials she may encounter as we all do from time to time. You two will be very close. It will take some time to work out the pain of the many lies she has been told about you but she will see through them. I too am a mother who is waiting for that chance with her daughter and I know your pain. But a mothers love and bond with her child is something that can not be underestimated. They may have won the fight but I assure you they have not won the war. I don't think it is by chance I found your hub. I have never blogged before and was feeling very depressed about my situation with my daughter when I stumbled upon your hub. It gave me hope and as I read your story I no longer felt so alone and misunderstood. I will keep you and Sydney in my prayers with just as much conviction as I pray for myself with my daughter. Hang in there, our chance will come and when it does nothing and no one will ever get between us and our babies again, not even ourselves.
Lynnette, I am truly lost for word, God Bless you and your Journey, you sound like a very strong and wise woman, imagine what type of mother you will become. Together we share a horror and together let's share our love for daughters that need their mothers. God Bless you, I will never forget your words, ever, and no, your not alone my love.
when Sydney is older she will seek you out. Be ready for that day. There is nothing that can be done whilst she is still a child and under adults control and at least she is safe and being loved. Rest assured she will be able to make up her own mind when the time comes. you will have a relationship with her in the future.
In the meantime stop thinking about her and get yourself well and make a new life for yourself. Will be praying for you and Sydney.
Thank you little Nell, I only wish I knew who you were as your words are so kind and supportive, for that I thank you
Dear Lyrics,
I'm a mother and I can not imagine how I feel if my daughter is taken away like that, especially if my condition is not well. But you are very strong woman after what you've been through, you're able to stand up and get your life back!
I pray for you that one day, Sidney will understand and you will meet her again.
There is a proverb from my country : Heaven is under mother's feet. Also, there is a folk song from my country, I translated it to you :
"Mother's love to me, it's all time, just give, never ask back, like the sun shining on the world".
Keep fighting! Best hub I ever read! God Bless You.
What a beautiful proverb febriedethan and beautiful words that bring me stronger hope, thank you dearly
I have one of those rubber/plastic wristbands that were introduced for certain charities/causes. Mine says "a reason to hope". I don't know what the initial charity/cause is but I wear it to remind myself that my reasons(Dawson and Tyler, my two sons) for hope will eventually be a reality. This and my mothers ring(with my 2 childrens names and birthstone) are the only jewelry I adorn. I have a similar story, with different circumstances, but has produced the same empty, gut-wrenching pain. Not just my pain, but that of my children. I won't go into great detail, although could easily match your worthy 5,539 word count, but have also been a non-parenting parent. Your daughter does have a Mother. Nothing will ever take that away. It is the actual mothering/parenting process that we have been temporarily absent from. But nothing will ever take the place nor fill our childrens shoes as does the Mother they were born with. Child advocates and the judicial system would better serve our children if resources etc. were sought to fix instead of delete the broken parent. There is so much I could say about this. My story can be shared at another time. I just want you to know that there is still hope despite the years. There are things that only we, as their mothers can give them that no one else on this earth can give them. There is a site called nancm.org that might be helpful. Though my obstacles still delay me, My reasons for hope keep me from giving in to my pain and keep me from giving up. I wish you the best and I believe that your daughter will gain much insight from the Mother that you are now:Renewed, strong and wise.
first of all may god bless u and help u find a way and secondly, u r an amazing writer, from one writer to u. i cant judge or speak a/o what u've done or been through. i do have my opinions but i havent lived what u've lived. i can only speak through your daughter. i had a mother ones too, the reasons why she's not w/ me today r not clear, people that love me and raised me may say a a million things. and dont get me wrong, i've been so blessed. i love my parents, the ones that raised me, they mean the world to me. but no amount of words will fill the void, i need to hear it from her, i need to see her to understand why she gave me up, or didnt give me up i dont know. but there where 7 of us, i've heard we were all girls. i just need to know, as i'm sure your daughter does too. believe me, she NEEDS to know, as hard and as horrible as the truth may be, it will change her life, it will change yours, and it will set u free.
Rkeri, yo have touched this woman more than you will ever know or I could possibly articulate to you. I am sorry for your pain that we share so vividly. Hope Rkeri, yes, hope. There in lies the magic. God willing both our children will be freed from the bondage of selfishness and hate they never deserved to witness and only know love and validation. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Bless.
Yes Redrock, she needs to know and I need to show her. I am so sorry about your own mother and wish and pray you reunite as well. It's hard hearing your perspective, because it is the same one as my daughters. Hard but needed. I need to hear she will want to know me and through your words, you have deepened my hope, for that I thank you tremendously
trust me, i went through all the changes, from not caring about her, to hating her, (there's still struggle there), to forgiving her, and now wanting to know that missing part of me...it's hard, for her, she may not know it yet, but it's hard and it's a feeling inside that cant be ignored, a want to know, to see, to feel that person. i dont even have a picture of my parents, no clue what they look like. i have memories that are starting to be more and more difficult to remember. but it's amazing so many simple things that i remember and i was 2,3 yrs old. there are smells in the air that come to me sometimes that remind me of i dont know what. there are people i see in the streets that catch my eye and i cant explain why. a mother is never forgotten, for good or bad and there is a connection that will never break, b/c i close my eyes at any time and i see and remember me defending her against i cant know who, i close my eyes and i think i can see her face but it's all so confusing. i dont know if your daugther knows what you look like...lucky she, if she does...but if she doesnt, i understand how she might feel....i am a firm believer that time brings everything to light, she will know, this story is just the beginning, there is so much more.
lyricsingray, now i know why your story is always on the hubpages homepage, so well-written, so touching. really hope you'll see your daughter in the near future. When she's grown up and independent, she'll ask for your I'm sure -- there's always this bond to one's mother.
Redrock, no she doesn't have any pictures of me or know anything about me, living 5 minutes away. Time doesn't heal all wounds. Pain is all I feel when I read your struggle, your loss, your hopes and God willing, you will know your mother one day just please remember, it could be for reasons out of her control or for reasons she herself is so ashamed about she's terrified to face you, until the time is right. Thank you for sharing again and may our families find unity in unconditional love, and the past be gone.xo
Nera thank you for your comment and thank you even more for deepening my hope, so glad you came by
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You were made weak years ago because of the drugs and your illness. Also, your kindness made you weak, and those unscrupulous people used you and took advantage of you. It is not your fault - you and your daughter were victims. Please, dear girl, do not waste time blaming yourself - and know that the same God who loves you and has carried you safely to today, will continue to carry you to the happy ending of this story. Do not ever lose your faith in Him, because the work He has started in you, He will finish it. God will not allow this evil to triumph at the end. Your daughter will soon be 18 - the few years will fly - and you will be stronger and better - she will look for you, and she will find a beautiful, loving, and strong woman with her arms open, and waiting for her.
Please be strong and love yourself. No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. There is a very happy ending coming for both you and your daughter. You are right about one thing - do not waste time with revenge or casting blame - it is beneath you. Recognize that you are precious and nurture the love inside of you.
I am praying for both you and your beautiful daughter. I am sending you love! :) I am proud to be your newest fan.
SHE'LL FIND YOU, WHEN SHE'S READY
SHE'LL FIND YOU, WHEN SHE'S READY
Bless and thank you vrajavala
Magicstar, your words are ones I will carry with me for a very long time. What a gift I am receiving. Hope through people like you. I am truly blessed and I thank you, glad you came here.
This is a beautiful hub. I wanted to say to you I dissagree with the title. You daughter does have a mother, you. She will find you. I wanted to say something about...I feel there may be things worse for a child then an absent mother. I don't know this for a fact, my mother did live in my house. But she never wasted a chance to make sure I knew I wasn't wanted there. Clearly you want and love your daughter, and she will know this. I hope, like so many others here, writing this helped you some. I hope you can read these words I am writing and know they are intened in the kindest way possable. I wont pretend to know what your going through, but I do know how hard it is to battle the past. Some days are good and some kick you in the teeth. I hope you can look at all these thoughts of love and support here, on the bad days and in some small way, It can help to get you through. I wish you peace.
Justine,your words went straight to my heart. Honestly. My god thank you for your kindness, support and reason for me to Hope even more. Bless you and thank you with all my heart, xo
Justine,your words went straight to my heart. Honestly. My god thank you for your kindness, support and reason for me to Hope even more. Bless you and thank you with all my heart, xo
You are stronger than you think. A mother's love can get us through so much. Keep her picture close to you and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keeping this Hub will be a gift to your daughter, one day, when she is old enough. You are right, there are always three sides to every story. God Bless and stay strong.
Thank you so much AnAdvocate,I will hold onto that light at the end of my tunnel. Bless you, for coming by and leaving me such a supportive comment xo
I am new to hubpages, and I haven't read anything else you've ever written before, and I don't pretend to know you. This must have been both difficult and uplifting to write at the same time. Thank you for sharing your story and allowing others to help support you on your journey. I agree with so many who have commented, though I haven't read them all. I'd like to offer you some loving advice of my own.
I agree that you can not give her back the time that has been taken from you both. All each of us can do is change ourselves. The very best you can do for both of you is to become the person you would like to be in every aspect of your life. You have proved to youself that you can do this already, and at this point you are likely dealing appropriately with your disorders. All you have to do is all you can do. Change yourself. Why? I'll tell you very simply, and that is becuase the world around us is a relection of us. What you change in yourself changes around you. You have all the power you need to create the life you want for yourself and your little girl already. You, like everyone, were born with it. So, this is what you do...Dream for yourself what you would like your future to be, but don't be afraid to dream BIG. Then, contemplate those dreams, write about them, visualize them, believe in them and make them happen! You can do that for yourself...think about the work you put in when you first started out. You've done it before, you can do it again. Your motivation, this time, is as simple as you want to be the best example and Mom for YOUR little girl as you can be, and you're both worth it!
God Bless You and Your Little Girl! Big Hugs!!!
light and love,thank you very much for your support and motivation. Your kindness shows in your words then goes straight to my heart. Which I will cary always, thank yiou. Bless.
I know one day you will have the chance to be with your daughter. This will backfire on the ex and his family. Sydney will one day be old enough and find out the truth which given her age maybe already happening. Obviously the ex and his family were only thinking of themselves and their selfishness prevailed. Keep your chin up and keep going forward. Don't be pushed by your problems but be led by your dreams.
Thank you for sharing this. It is a heartbreaking read which has been written with bravery and a lot of soul. I wish you all the best. Love
Lou
mkott, that's beautiful ' don't be pushed by your problems but led by your dreams' I will never forget this. Bless you my friend and thank you.
Lou thank you for your kind wishes and support, they are very touching, Bless.
Lou thank you for your kind wishes and support, they are very touching, Bless.
Just by sharing this, you have proven that you are a strong and loving woman. I hope that maybe one day you and your daughter can be reconnected again.
Keep moving forward. Keep improving day by day. And always keep loving. You are stronger than you know.
brittie, you are so kind and thank you so so much for coming by and commenting, bless.
Lyricsingray,
Truly my heart goes out to you, i pray for your peace and release from your addiction affliction. I pray for you to have time to make a positive impact and influence in your daughters life. May God keep you, and I hope that you continue to keep the faith and have hope.
Mocha Momma, thank you, I will keep praying for peace and never give up hope. Thank you for the support, God Bless
Thank you for pouring your heart out. I hope she find this hub and you, sooner rather than later. For now, take good care of yourself so that you will be ready when you can kiss her again in real life.
Zollstock, thank you ever so much and bless you for what you said, so glad you came by tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs.........
God bless you.
William, Bless you and thank you so much
Great read. I can tell from your words this writing experience has helped you mentally. Kudos to you and your road to recovery. Time heals all wounds, the first step you've already taken and that is to the admission of your disease and your willingness to stay clean. The relationship with your daugther will come to fruition in time. Just stay clean and be patient.
Thanks apmccray, your comment is very supportive and helpful full of hope, I thank you
I have just read this, and have had the tears rolling down my cheeks at how sad your story truly is. People tell me I am brave to write about my own life experiences here on hubpages, but I am not a patch as brave as you are here.
I don't know how old Sydney is now, but can you write her a letter, possibly giving her a link to this hub, as it may well help her a whole lot? If you really can't, then rest assured, I am sure she will seek you out so long as she knows you are alive, (make sure, if you can, that Brian's family have not told her otherwise).
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Misty, thank you you almost have tears running down my cheeks. You are so kind and supportive, I'll never forget that, Bless you and thank you xo
It's only because I sincerely care, really... I am choked up even replying to your reply to my comment!
Your one of the special ones and I look forward to talking more I hope at one point, your compassion is rare Misty, never loose that, it's genuine I can tell, and admirable, thank you for sharing some of it with me, I am blessed.
You are truly welcome lyricsingray, and never lose faith, things will go right for you in the end I am sure. Your soul comes across as pure, your drug use is under control and you are clearly highly intelligent. I look forward to the hub you write on your being reuinited with your daughter, and I am sure you WILL be writing it in the not too distant future. Keep smiling, and don't ever, EVER, lose hope!!! :)
Misty that is so cool what you said about writing a hub about Sydney and me being reunited. It's a way of making it tangible to a point I can understand, if that makes any sense. Bless you Girl and thank you so so much.
No worries, can't wait for it to be published :)
lol your the best Misty, lol, Thanks, now it's time I start reading your Hubs my friend, will be by as soon as I finish these 2 of mine in progress whew 1 is always better than two, right?um,right? sigh.
Thanks Lyricsingray, I hope you enjoy them, either the ones that make you laugh, or the ones on my infertility and IVF that might help you understand why I feel for your predicament so much.
I also have hubs on my depression, my living with a control freak etc etc.. take your pick LOL, or none at all if you fancy a good night's sleep.
Gotta go to bed myself now, but hope you find something of interest in my hubs, but no worries if not, don't feel obliged to read them if you are tired etc. Would certainly not want to make you feel you have to read them in order to not cause me offence :)
I think everyone has a life story - and yours is incredible. One can never judge what made anyone do what they do - and I always think that what we do is who we are and where we eventually end up. I also think it takes the greatest amount of courage to share our weak sides and our traumas with the world - kudos~! And many prayers that you end up in the best place possible as my motto is this - good people do bad things; it is just the way of life sometimes. I always think that things happen though to make us a better person no matter how hard it feels at the time...chairside psychology....hugs.
I am going too and as soon as I can. I am also so pleased to have now met another Hubber who writes the real stuff and drinks cider xo
LOL, just heading for my first cider of the day now, (19.00pm). Ready for it after a day consisting of a Doctors appointment, essential shopping, ( inc cider), picking up Hubby from work, picking up fixed laptop computer from shop etc etc. Exhausted now :)
misty, administer cider immediately, soak in hot bubble bath, administer extra cider for tub so you don't have to get out clothes eyes and think of Canalope? Or something fruity, no, not him, food girl - administer more cider than let's whoop some forum butt. Glad your here XO
LOL, thankyou Dr Lyricsingray :)
Anytime buddy xo
lyricsingray says:
5 weeks ago
Hope. Faith. God's will. End.