I took a nap this afternoon and I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt about beating my ex best friend senseless while wearing roller blades. Today wasn't the first time I had this kind of dream. Sometimes I dream about having a slap fest with her or a hair pulling match. Everytime I dream about her, it's mostly about physically injuring her.

My dream started with me in a skate park with my husband, then I saw her, we exchanged words and before you know it, we were on the ground, pulling each other's hair, ripping clothes, kicking and screaming at each other, until finally I pin her to the ground and kick her senseless with my roller blades. Morbid. Then my husband pulled me away, then I find myself crying in the shower. Weird.

It's been almost 7 years since she and I had a falling out. She spread rumors about me that hurt me really badly. No matter how much I think I've moved on, I get dreams like this that make me think otherwise.

We've been best friends since high school. She was a year younger than me, she was my friend's younger sister, and although her sister and I are friends, I clicked more with her and became best of friends since. I told her my deepest darkest secrets, stuff I've never shared with anyone else. I was there for her whenever she needed me, and I thought she was there for me too. We shared a lot of things together, from our first taste of beer to our first cigarrette in an internet cafe's bathroom to having boyfriends, we practically grew up together. We shared everything, clothes, shoes and make-up. She was there for me when I got my very first taste of heart break, she was there to cry with me and laugh with me. She was my confidant, my best friend. When she got pregnant at 14, I was there for her, no questions asked, no judgements. I was her daughter's godmother. She had more relationships with boys than me, and I was there everytime any of her relationships failed. When she ran away from home because she didn't want to marry the guy who got her pregnant, I was with her, I took her in, I felt that she was my responsibility. When she got pregnant for the second time at 17, I was there. I was patient with her even when she'd lose her patience with people and would vent out her anger towards me. I was patient with her even though at times she made me feel inferior. When her relationship with the second guy who got her pregnant for the second time, I was there for her. I didn't ask her any questions, I was just there for her. I understood her pains and frustrations. When her parents broke up, I was there. When her dad committed suicide I was there. When she and her sister would fight I was there for her, even if it meant her sister and our other friends would get mad at me for siding with her. When people would talk behind her back and call her a slut, I was there to defend her. I defended her even though sometimes what people said were true.

And then, she turned on me.

When I was having problems with my boyfriend then, instead of patching us up, she said things to him about me that weren't true. I knew about it because despite what she said about me, I was able to salvage my relationship with my boyfriend then, who is my husband now, and he told me what she told him during the time that we were on a break. I ignored it and still remained friends with her. She was there when I gave birth to my daughter, she was the first person I wanted to see after giving birth, aside from my husband of course.

People started to tell me about rumors that she's been spreading about me, and when I confronted her, she denied it all and said that she would never say anything to hurt me, I believed her, she was my best friend after all.

One day, as I was on my home from running an errand, I got a text message from her, she was asking if I'd be interested in buying stuff from her because she was short on cash, and I said I didn't have any money to spare, she texted me back and said it's ok and that she'd just ask somebody else. After a few minutes i received another text message from her, it was about me being cheap and couldn't afford the branded stuff she was selling anyway and that I was ugly and looked undead and wouldn't be fit to be seen with her stuff anyway. It was addressed to her sister, also my friend, I was shocked, she actually said those things about me, at the end of the message it had "hahaha" on it, which hurt me even more. Something in me just snapped. I knew that what she said was not that big of a deal, but it still hurt. I knew I wasn't that pretty, but I never thought I was "ugly" and looked "undead". I've never been called ugly or undead before, at least not to my face. I wouldn't mind if somebody else said that to me, it wouldn't affect me as much, but it came from her, my "best friend". It hurt me so bad. I got so angry, I forwarded her text message to her and at the end of the text message I added that our friendship was over and that I never wanted to see or hear from her ever again, she texted me back saying she was only kidding around and that it was only her sister she was texting with, and that she didn't mean it and that she was sorry. I didn't care, she hurt me and that was it. I never said anything bad about her, I was her loyal friend and that was how she saw me, an ugly-undead looking person. Ouch!

That incident ended our friendship, and I wasn't surprised when most of our common friends sided with her. She was after all a great liar. Sure, I lied to people too, but nothing major, and I never talked about anybody behind their backs, that's the reason why people who don't know me hate me, I was too frank that sometimes I sound kinda bitchy, but hey, I'd rather tell the truth about how I feel about them upfront than pretend to like them. I am not pretentious. When they called me a liar, I redeemed myself without even doing anything, the truth always has a way of coming out.

And now I have dreams about beating her up. I wonder why, got any ideas as to why?

I thought that after all these years, I'd be over it. I want to be over it, but I don't think I am, yet. You probably think that I've wasted our friendship over something so shallow, but it's not a shallow reason for me. She was the only person who hurt me like that before, she was the only person who made me feel bad about myself. She betrayed me, and it hurt. That's it.

My husband still greets her hello when we see her around, but I don't. In as much as I want my husband to hate her, I can't ask him to be mad at someone just because I'm mad at that person, he has his own mind, and he can be friends with whoever he wants to.

I remember one incident where we saw her and my daughter asked me who she was, I didn't know how to tell my daughter, so my husband just said she was a friend. I can't even say her name and the word friend in the same sentence, that's how much she hurt me.

I do miss her, sometimes, not often, just times when I think about my high school days and stuff I've done for the first time. I just can't allow myself to be the one to patch things up with her, because I wasn't the one at fault. I just can't. Besides, if she wanted to fix things with me she would've done so by now, but she hasn't. Her sister and I are still friends though.

I have another best friend now, I met him in college, he's gay and he's super fun to be with, he's like me in so many ways, frank and speaks his mind, my kind of friend. I hope he doesn't see me as a threat, and betray me as well.