I expressed my fears to Dave: what if the baby comes out while we are in bed, or while I was in the bathroom alone? What would I do, and I wondered aloud how would I emotionally manage to deal with the scene before me when it happened? Dave said nothing, but his actions said everything. He took up permanent residence on the couch.

The Valium my doctor gave me didn't last long or comfort the never ending mental turmoil. What added to that tremendous amount of stress was when I called my doctor's nurse and I told her that the baby wasn't coming out. She said it could take a month. I asked the nurse “What will he look like when he comes out?” She told me that the baby would come out looking black from the decaying fetus. I was horrified and imagined a charcoaled burnt looking fetus that would come out of me at anytime.

I had to have baby Alexander surgically removed from me because I couldn't handle it any longer. Dave was spending more time away from home as though he had a full time job and he didn't. I schedule the appointment. The one condition for them to do it was that I had to sign over the rights to the fetus. I didn't want to do that but I didn't know what else to do.

I also was required to have someone with me to assist me by helping me out of the building and driving me home. Dave drove me there but refused to go back in the room with me. His behavior was chipper regardless of the condition.

When the doctor had the baby out of me she told me: “He is in good condition. There is just a little dent in his head where the clamp pulled him out. Would you like to hold him?”

That would be part of the healing process I figured and I was eager to hold him. The baby was placed in the palm of my hand. The love was overflowing. He was beautiful. Fully formed and as big as the palm of my hand. Everything was so tiny on him and his skin was still pink. I was told that he would come out black looking from the decay and yet he looked perfect. At that moment I didn't want to give him back but I knew I had to.

When the nurse went out of the room to get Dave he was gone. She came back into the room and said that he wasn't there. I told her that it was okay that he was around her somewhere. She asked me to please wait in the lobby for him as she helped me out to the waiting room. I sat there for several minutes thinking about the baby and wishing that Dave could have seen him. Where could he have gone I wondered as the minutes ticked by. I decided after fifteen minutes to look for him so we could go home. I was unsteady on my feet but I managed.

Down the hall by the elevator I saw him laughing and flirting with a lady janitor. He had no emotions towards my situation or condition. To make matters worse he didn't believe me when I told him about the baby. He assumed that the fetus couldn't have been fully developed at that stage. Instead of coming right out and telling me that he later told me that his sister in law said it. Which didn't make any since to me since she had several children and would have known better.

I knew her better than that and I also knew that she was the easiest one to pen something like that on since we had have problems in the past getting along but I knew she was more educated than that when it came to the developing stages of fetus'. I was sure it was his own thoughts and ignorance of knowing or caring.

Dave didn't want a third child anyway and told me so when I became pregnant. He basically ignored my feelings and behaved very insensitive towards the whole ordeal. After the surgery not long after that Dave's behavior turned cold towards me. He remained on the couch and before long he took off for two weeks. He became reckless towards us. Which caused me to fall into a deeper state of depression.

Any love I had for him was fading away. His cold calculating ways irritated me at this point. My feelings didn't matter to him at all. I wondered if they ever did. Since day one when we got together I basically paid for everything and I decided that he was just a miser which he was. Any money I got covered the rent, food, and whatever else we needed.