Promisekeepers, according to their website, is a Christian evangelical ministry dedicated to uniting men to become "godly influences" in the world. I know some Promisekeepers and they're good guys. I'm certain it's a fantastic group with the best of intentions. And yes, I have a problem with them.

They designed bumper stickers with the words I Love My Wife. They're everywhere. These bumper stickers are so popular that any non-Christian geek with a printer whose idea of "godly influence" is winning a date with a Victoria's Secret model is also making money selling these stickers. I don't know who this Victoria is or what she's hiding, but I'm pretty sure it's endangering America. Let's hope our government has tapped her phone.

I don't have a bumper sticker that reads I Love My Wife. I also don't have a bumper sticker that reads I'm the most unathletic guy you'll ever see in your life. Why? Because after spending 5 minutes with me, both are obvious.

If you're a guy, you're married, and you're the husband, jeez, you'd better love your wife.

If you're a guy, you're married, and you aren't the husband, or both of you are husbands--that's cool, but it's also a bit out of my knowledge base. Congrats on the various court victories throughout America! Equal rights for all mean everyone, not just the people who share your exact view of the world. Did I mention my fondness for Cole Porter's musicals?

If you don't love your wife, why did you get married? Was a shotgun involved? Why are you still married? Why don't you go to the gym and confess your love for that cute 20-something receptionist with the killer thighs? You know, the one who's nice to you because it's her job? Because it's in deference to your age and sad physical condition? Because she's freaked out by your silent staring and just wants you to go away?

If you don't love your wife, a bumper sticker can't help.

If you do love your wife, why aren't you telling her? Why aren't you showing her by giving her flowers, peanut m&ms, and still larger bags of peanut m&ms? Why aren't you giving her a break by doing the dishes, grilling burgers, or cleaning the house?

What? You're doing all of those things. Congratulations, buddy! You're doing what you’re supposed to do. Give yourself a high-five! Now take out the trash.

One of the problems in this country is that we take what should be a normal expectation, like being a decent husband, and make it special. Whenever anything should be routine and you make it rare, quality and expectations will plummet quicker than GOP approval ratings at a How to Rekindle the Passion in Your Marriage workshop.

So let's get back to you, buddy, the great guy who loves his wife. Why put that on a bumper sticker and slap it on your car's rear? Your wife, the love of your life, will never see it. She's either in the same car with you letting her eyes linger on other guys' bumper stickers (That ungrateful...) or she's in her car leaving at a different time and likely going in a different direction.

It's not like she's ever going to be stuck in traffic, realize that her husband is in the truck ahead, and read the bumper sticker. She smiles and inadvertently puts the fingertips of her left hand to her lips. A feeling of warmth slowly comes over her (a hot flash moves quickly, at least that what I've been told, and this is a different, better feeling). She thinks, No other husband of mine has ever put a public display of his undying love for me on the butt of his Ford F-150. I think Elmer just cracked the Top 5.

So if the bumper sticker of love isn't for your wife, who's it for? The bad husband who should know better?

Let's say he's a guy who doesn't pay attention to his kids and who smacks his wife, only a little, when he drinks. Every day. He's stopped at a traffic light on the way to work, rubbing his temples and berating himself for forgetting to take aspirin for his hangover headache. He looks ahead and sees the bumper sticker I Love My Wife.

He tears up, races back home, begs for his wife's forgiveness on a bended knee and promises to change.

Sorry, Mr. Promisekeeper dude, but actual life rarely resembles a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, and if bumper stickers changed minds, Roe v Wade would've been repealed 25 years ago.

So why in the name of MC Hammer are guys using these bumper stickers? Is this the chain e-mail for guys who don't have computers? Don't put a bumper sticker on your car and you get 7 years of tuna casserole for every meal? Or is it something simple like the Joneses, and our need to keep up with them even in non-material ways?

It doesn't matter if you love your wife--what's important is that others think that you do. For some, perception is always more important than reality.

You hate soccer, but all the other dads at your kid's school have volunteered for something, so you find yourself standing in a field on a damp, chilly autumn morning where your main responsibilities are tying shoes, wiping the mud off the ball, and pointing 5 year-olds in the direction of the goal. No, that's the Wac-A-Moles goal--yours is the other goal. Yes! The one at the other end of the field... It is a long way... I know you're tired... The other goal is closer...

If coaching soccer makes you happy, cool. This isn't about any one activity, or slamming any parent for volunteering for anything. But you shouldn't do it just because someone expects you to do it--you should do it because you want to do it. And guys, if you ever use this line with your wife, you may never have sex again.

I know little, but you must put yourself first. I know, it sounds selfish, but if stewardesses or flight attendants or Goddesses of the Air tell you to get an oxygen mask around your face first, they must be right, and it must apply to everything else in life.

Number two, which is poorly worded, are those you care about. The Green Bay Packers must be third. Guys, I'm not asking for much, just think a kind thought. The Pack could really use some help this year. Brett (I've decided, and that's final. Hang on a sec...) Favre is playing for the Minnesota Vikings for crying out loud. It's like the devil quarterbacking a team of demons. The ancient Mayans predicted that the Vikings would win the Super Bowl in 2012, which is main reason mankind will destroy the earth that year.

If people on the outskirts of your life, or who you wish were on the outskirts of your life (certain family members?) raise a judging eyebrow at anything you do, make eye contact, smile, and bid them a good day. When you care for those closest to you, usually, everything else falls into place.

Bumper stickers can't make anything better. It's another simple substitution we use, like being addicted to the nicotine in cigarettes, the caffeine in Starbucks lattes, and the stupidity in MTV's The Real World, to distract ourselves from actual problems and convince ourselves that everything's fine. Perhaps bumper stickers give you a little laugh or a reason to rear-end the car ahead of you, but nothing more.

The love for the most important person in your life should not be expressed on a bumper sticker. It should be done in private, from the heart, in a way that is meaningful to your relationship. And yes, for some people, batteries or electronics are involved. As long as everyone consents, no one gets hurt (unless that's the intent), and the straps don't leave marks where co-workers can see them the next morning, everyone wins. Well, by the definition of some games, someone has to lose, but usually everyone's happy.

I recently read a hub by Laughing Mom (notice that she's not Laughing Wife—oh, how we miss her) called The Big O--One Way to Get Her There. I had no idea wives enjoyed the basketball player Oscar Robinson so much. Anyway, Laughing Mom wrote the quickest way into a woman's heart, but mostly her pants, is by rubbing her feet.

Yuck! I have a thing about germs because too many of the bad ones can kill you. Feet have, like, 100 germs, bacteria, and possibly fungi, which is not a great-tasting Japanese fish. And no way am I licking feet because I don't want to get athlete's tongue. But I love my wife. You already know this because read it on my car, right? She's the best thing that ever happened to me. She deserves the best. So, why did she settle for me? Hey! Not cool. We're getting off topic here, and I will never be accused of rambling.

Because I have bumper stickerless love for my wife, I have on an operating gown, surgical gloves, and a quart bottle of Purell just in case any actual skin touches the feet. I'm going upstairs. I'm going in. Damn the torpedoes, full feet ahead!