My Nicotine Addiction

I remember a time when smoking was just beginning to be recognized as bad for your health. It was purported to cause cancer, it yellowed your skin, it shortened your breath, it stained your teeth and it made your breath, your hair and your clothes smell like smoke. At that time, though smoking was frowned on, it was still accepted by the general public. You could no longer smoke in public offices, hospitals or schools, but you could still smoke in a restaurant and no one looked twice. Eventually they separated restaurant seating to smoking and non smoking sections, and finally to the point that smoking is no longer allowed at all in a restaurant. More and more people are being diagnosed with cancer that never smoked. Second hand smoke is the culprit or so they say.

When I was about thirteen my favorite shirt had a huge frog on it with big red lips and a wide goofy smile. It read “Kiss me, I don’t smoke!” I wore that shirt every time it was clean. I remember doing a poster for a school project exclaiming the dangers of smoking. It was titled ‘Why I Will Never Smoke:’ and was meticulously drawn and colored depicting pictures of a healthy lung versus one with cigarette damage, a magazine cut out of white teeth versus stained teeth from nicotine  and a pack of cigarettes with a big red circle around them and a slash across the front.

I felt that way passionately at thirteen, but by the time I was sixteen I succumbed to the need to fit in with all my friends and tried smoking. That first cigarette was horrible, but like most bad habits, smoking kind of grows on you. I smoked for about six or eight months and decided after a serious coughing fit one morning it wasn’t worth it. So I stopped and I honestly don’t remember quitting smoking being hard to do.

Jump ahead in my life when I am about thirty two, thirty three. There is a lot going on, I’m having financial trouble, work is stressful and my best friend and co-worker smokes. So we go outside on breaks and talk and inevitably I begin smoking again. It was a stress reliever pure and simple. It made me feel calmer and I enjoyed the camaraderie it provided. Now that I think about it, that is probably what drew me to it way back when I was sixteen.

At first I started out slow, just a couple of cigarettes a day. That number gradually increased to five, ten and eventually, before I knew it, I was a pack a day smoker. I have been smoking again now for about four years. I want to quit, I know it’s bad for me. I know I am setting a bad example for my son and could even be harming him with my second hand smoke. But the thing is, I enjoy it. It is still a stress reliever, it still calms me down and I feel as if I need it. I know that that is the addiction talking. I have tried to quit on three separate occasions and failed. First I tried on my own, then I tried with a prescription medication, then with the patch. Nothing has worked. At most I would go a week maybe two without smoking, but the thought of having a cigarette never left my mind and eventually I would light up again.

Even now as I sit in my office writing this I want a cigarette. I am at a loss as to how to overcome my nicotine addiction. I am almost resigned to the idea of being a smoker for life, but I do not want to be. I am going to pray about this (the one thing I haven’t really tried) and see what God tells me to do. I know He will help me if I ask.