Since I posted my hub http://hubpages.com/hub/My-Reflection-of-Personal-Growth-and-Death-of-a-Failed-Relationship , judging by the comments and the 443 page views, it seems to have struck a nerve with quite a few folks. I don't know if it's a positive reaction or not. It's not meant to be controversial by any means, so please don't think I posted it for attention, sympathy, pity or anything like that. I needed to write it. It was painful for me to write it. Hopefully, it might help someone think twice before attempting suicide.

I ended the hub not know the first thing to do to get over it.....how to deal with it, and how I had lost my "self". I had been out of the loony bin for about a week when I wrote it. It took 2 writing sessions to get the pictures loaded and to mentally go through it again. It was exhausting to say the least.

Since then, I've got the stitches and staples out, I've been cleared as fit for duty by my place of employment and have returned to work, I've had my medication increased, I've been in therapy, and I seem to be progressing through the 5 stages of grief....I've found things to focus on....mainly getting myself back through working out, meditation, and basically taking things one day at a time.

I've started a fly fishing meet up group. The first meeting is tonight. I hope this will be what I need to get back to my love of fly fishing and fly tying.

My mood seems to have stabilized. The Effexor that they prescribed to me has been adjusted and I seem to have responded to it. I don't feel as depressed anymore. The support network of my friends and family has been astounding. Never have I experienced so much support and care or realized how much I touch people's lives on a day to day basis. I've been amazed at the reaction from folks to whom I'm just a mere acquaintance or co worker and how I have touched their lives to some extent.

I don't want to die as much anymore. I often wonder why I didn't die....what reason am I still here? Why do I need to go through this horrifying and traumatic event? What purpose does it serve? I'm angry about Lisa and me. I feel as if I was lied to the entire time we were together and I feel like she repressed her true feelings. I've written a blog about it since I've been out of the loony bin. ( http://windupbirdtheory.blogspot.com/ ) A lot of it is very scathing, raw emotion, cynical, angry, hurtful, melancholy, loving, pleading. She reads it and filed a complaint with the police. She thinks I'm trying to communicate with her indirectly, and that violates the restraining order. The judge told her that if she doesn't like it, then she doesn't have to read it.

I've started a new blog (http://survivalofthemodernman.blogspot.com/) just yesterday about health and fitness geared towards guys approaching or in thier 40's who might want to get into better shape, eat right, or be going through what I'm experiencing. So far, I've received no hits.

I still love The One more than anything. It's the thing about loving unconditionally - I can't just make it go away. Of course I'm angry with her, but I wish her no ill will. It's just really frustrating to wake up at 3 am and laying there thinking about her. I'm sure she thinks she's doing what's right for her and her son....but deep down, I still feel that shred of hope. I don't know why. Everything logically points to the opposite. I'm sure she's scarred over finding me bleeding to death on our bed too.....

So, bottom line. Things are looking up in my world. I'm glad to be writing, and working out and eating right.....I'm not totally out of the woods yet but I don't expect to be right now. One thing that my therapist has told me that stuck is to stop blaming myself. It's not my fault and it's normal, The One has issues that SHE needs to address that would explain her insecurity. When I leave the Doctors office, I feel like I can breathe again.

Speaking of breathing again, I've enrolled in a smoking cessation class at work. It goes hand in hand with with everything else I've been working on and is based on Eastern and Oriental principals....not just a bunch of positive thinking mumbo jumbo.

Thanks for reading my hubs and I hope that I've helped someone along the way.