My Sister's Crazy Catholic Convent School Experiences with the Mad Nuns that Ran it.

During the 1970's my older Sister attended a Catholic Convent School that literally made her life hell on earth. The Nuns were completely crazy, and anything but religious. As promised on another Hub I have spoken to my Sister and asked her for some of the stories, both funny and serious, of the kind of things that happened at this school during her years there. As this school still exists today, (although in a new building), I had better not mention the name of it, (although it wouldn't take too much effort to find it out as Guernsey is only a small island).

These stories are all true, and although many of them are laughably funny, others are truly shocking, and the emotional distress this school caused my Sister ultimately resulted in her having to transfer to a different school (upon the advice of a child psychologist), as this one had pushed her to the brink of a nervous breakdown at the tender age of about 15.

It truly is hard to know where to begin telling my Sister's story as there are simply so many examples that I may have to ultimately break it up into two or more hubs just to get all the information into them. What is for sure is that many of these true stories will make you laugh out loud, whilst others make you shake your heads in disbelief at the terrible atrocities these Catholic Nuns put their pupils through, and how their own priorities appeared to be themselves, their wealth and their booze.

In the days my Sister went to this Convent Nuns were considered untouchable by the law or anyone else. No-one wanted to be seen to challenge a Catholic Convent, and so they got away with the most horrific ways of running a school. To make matters worse this was a Private School, so there were exorbitant fees to pay every term by the parents, in spite of the fact each time the fees went up, the quality of care and education seemed to go down.

Each morning, as is the custom in most schools, all the pupils had to attend assembly. The difference between this 'All Girl Convent School Assembly', and a normal school assembly, was the way the Nun's conducted it. Firstly it would go on so long that pupils were being dragged out constantly due to having fainted, and what was worse was that in the event one girl was caught by Mother Superior in the terrible act of apparently not paying enough attention, this Nun went into a volley of abuse at the poor girl in question, calling her 'a Whore' and saying her Mother had also been 'A Whore' etc, in front of the whole school. How on earth she got away with this is anyone's guess, but that may have been due to the era this event took place, and so it went unchallenged, although the pupil was left in floods of tears and totally traumatised by the whole incident.

These were a challenging meal worth of any 'Bush Tucker Trial' in an episode of 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here'. The poor boarding pupils were served up with vegetables that had slugs still living in them. Frequently the food was so rancid that it was all but inedible, yet on the one occasion a pupil refused to eat her meal, the Nuns insisted on the same meal being served up to her for several days and ultimately forced her to eat it.

Originally all the pupils would have a donut, a banana or an orange for their dessert, but as the nuns became more stingy with their money, all the pupils were offered was half a donut, half a banana or half an orange instead.

It is worth mentioning that at the same time as the rations were being cut, the school fees were regularly put up after letters stating the 'Due to ever increasing costs blah blah blah' were sent to the parents.

One final significant occasion. The plate scrapings at the end of meals were always apparently destined to be fed to the Convent's Chickens, or so the pupils had been told!!! That was until one day a pupil wandered into the kitchens and caught one of the Nuns shovelling forkfuls of the bowl of plate scrapings into her own mouth Yuk!!! Makes you wonder if any of those same scraps ever got served back to the the girls in the form of soups and stews etc!

These were totally stomach churning events. Firstly the standard ingredients in the cupboards were not fit for human consumption, e.g. mouse droppings in the flour, eggs that were so old they were virtually green inside and dead mice in the food cupboards, but if the pupils tried to take their own ingredients from home into school with them to avoid being forced to use the school supplies, the Nuns would confiscate them, and make the girls use the inedible food from the school store cupboards instead.

When one of the pupils complained about the mouse droppings in the flour, the Nun's set a mousetrap in the cupboard. The trap worked, and the mouse was killed and decapitated, unfortunately it was then left in the same cupboard for weeks and weeks afterwards, whilst flies crawled on the carcass, and then moved on to the other groceries stored in the same area. If any of the girls complained about this corpse, the Nun who ran the cookery class would go mad at them, and so the mouse remained there, (and may still be there for all I know!)

Then of course there were the gas ovens that were made in the 1940's, and were so dangerous that the pupils were too scared to light them most of the time. One particular oven was so bad that you had to switch on the gas a number of minutes before you tried to light it at all. Of course then there was the risk of 'BOOM!!!' (No face left), which terrified all the girls. What was worse was that my Sister was allocated this same oven for the whole term, (that was the way things were done, one oven per pupil each lesson, same one, all term).

Well, on this one day my Sister Hayley truly didn't want to light this oven, so she explained to the Nun in charge of cookery class that the oven scared her. This particular Nun told Hayley not to be so silly, and promptly bent down, stuck her head completely into the oven and struck a match......... You got it, 'BOOM!!!!', when the Nun in question re-emerged her entire eyebrows and eyelashes had been blown off by the force of the explosion. Most of the other pupils could barely contain their laughter, but the Nun (who shall remain nameless, was not amused at all).

Yes, you read it right, these Nuns were very capable and willing to extort money out of their pupils in the form of fines for the silliest things. I list below some of the 'crimes' that resulted in fines being charged to the young teenage girls.

***

1) Getting caught sitting on a desk.

2) Whistling, (only the fine was 'per note' whistled, not just for the act of whistling itself).

3) Failing to give the Nun whose 'Feast Day' it was a gift. (Feast Days were like an unofficial Birthday, but as they weren't allowed to celebrate their Birthdays, they gave themselves 'Feast days' instead, a bit like a 'Saints Day).

4) Failing to attend the annual 'House Party', (which was meant to be a social event much like a school dance).

5) Being caught wearing make-up. (My poor sister actually got in trouble by from the prim and proper Head Girl, simply for wearing fake rubber lips and eyelashes as an April Fool's joke, as she was considered to be wearing false eyelashes, which was the same as wearing make-up).

6) Failing to be able to find your PE (Physical Education) Kit if someone had hidden it or taken it as a practical joke.

7) Failing to sell at least two books of raffle tickets for fundraising events.

8) Being seen in town on a weekend or after school not wearing school uniform.

9) Failing to turn up at school wearing either your uniform white gloves or beret hat (or if your beret needed a new yellow tassel because the old one had got tatty looking over time, especially as the Nun's charged a small fortune for something as simple as a replacement tassel).

The Nuns truly lost the plot when it came to this one. They would expel girls for the silliest of reasons, to list but a few:

1) The two girls who refused to go to Mass because neither of them were Catholic. Both were expelled.

2) The French girl who, as a joke, shut another pupil in a large trunk, but the lid got stuck shut. During the panic of trying to re-open the lid before the crying pupil inside ran out of air, one of the Nuns found everyone trying to get the lid open and went mad. Finally the lid was opened, but the girl who played the joke was expelled, and her Father was sent a bill by the convent for the damage to the trunk, e.g. "New Lock £5.00", and so on. Apparently it actually made very humorous reading.

3) The Pupils who thought it was quite a good joke to put laxatives in the Nun's coffee. The result, they both got expelled, but when they were brought in front of the board of education and asked why they were expelled, and they announced they had put laxatives in the Nun's coffee, the whole board fell about laughing. Luckily for the girls they were transferred to a far better school where they were truly happy.

4) The girls who put grease on all the doorknobs as a joke on April Fool's Day,

5) The German Girl who was expelled for not wearing her white uniform gloves, and was forbidden to call her parents, and simply stuck on a plane back to Germany without her parents even knowing she was coming home.

Then of course there was the Irish Priest who was having an affair with two teachers at the same time. A third teacher was aware of this affair, so she reported his actions to the Convent's Mother Superior in disgust. Instead of getting rid of the Priest, or the two teachers, the convent instead got rid of the teacher who had reported the affair to them. Work that one out!!!!

In the days my Sister attended this Catholic Convent our Father was an Impresario, (in other words a man who put on Cabaret Shows for the public). Dad booked very high class acts, and one of these was Val Doonican, a famous Irish singer/crooner. The Irish Nuns were all ever so impressed when my Dad booked Val to come to Guernsey, and they asked if he could arrange for Val to visit the convent.

Dad spoke to Val who readily agreed to go and visit the Convent. Upon arriving the Nuns had got the pupils to form 'Guard of Honour' to welcome him to the school.

Once Mother Superior got Val as far as her office she asked him if he wanted a drink. Val, with his wicked Irish humour said 'Come on, I know what you Irish Nuns are like, show me where the real hooch is", (or words to that effect). This was meant to be a joke, but you can imagine his shock when the Mother Superior slid apart the large doors to a cabinet at the back of her office, only to reveal floor to ceiling bottles of spirits on shelves!!

Even Val was shocked, but also highly amused when he returned and told Dad exactly what had happened.

To make matters worse the Nuns never gave Dad credit for introducing Val Doonican to them, (even though it was upon their request that he had), and instead a rumour within the Convent was started that one of the Nuns was Val Doonican's God-Daughter!!

Another time a Catholic pupil and a Protestant pupil were best friends. Apparently this was not okay by the Nuns, who pulled aside the Catholic pupil and asked her if she couldn't find herself a 'Nice Catholic Friend instead'.

Both sets of parents were furious when they found this out, as they were all friends also, but the Nuns simply couldn't see a Protestant as anything other than a bad influence.

Yes folks, this was the time the Convent decided to build a new swimming pool for the pupils. Numerous fundraising events were held, parents were persuaded to pay to have their names embossed on a tile in the bottom of the pool, and then, when the money was finally raised, one of the Nun's spent a large chunk of it on having a cancerous growth removed from her nose, at the same time as the rest of the money was spent on a small new wing for the school instead. End result, no pool!!!

During religious education classes there was no option of which Bible to use, it was compulsory to use only the Catholic version, and it didn't seem to matter that the school had a range of pupils who were both Catholic and Protestant.

The school was also reported to be haunted, and the various boarders claimed to have seen the 'White Nun' in the school corridors on a number of occasions over the years.

Apparently this slightly deranged Nun got it into her head she could fly to Heaven, so she went up to the roof and jumped. It doesn't take a lot of working out what happened next, 'SPLAT', so, no more Nun. The Convent erected a cross on the roof at the point she jumped, and although the school has now changed buildings, to the best of my knowledge the cross is probably still there to this day.

There was also the Nun who insisted on starting and finishing each lesson with a prayer. Not so bad you might think, apart from the fact it was not an Religious Education Class, and as a half hour lesson she would make the first prayer last 20 minutes, followed by about 5 minutes of lesson, and then finished with another 5 minutes of prayer. Hmmmmmm!!!! Not very educational I think!

Another certain Nun used to drive a car, badly, around the island. How she didn't get booked by the Police is anybodies guess, but she did once offer two of the pupils a lift.

As she hurtled along in the car, merrily bouncing off kerbs and breaking the speed limit, the girls were petrified. Luckily for them they survived to tell the tale, but they swore they would never ever get into her car again.

Of course there is also the time the nuns announced the pupils were 'making too much mess in the toilets', so told them they must bring in their 'own toilet roll from now on'. My Sister Hayley was the only one that did, much to the amusement of her classmates who didn't bother, as after all, this was just another way of the Convent avoiding spending money.

My own experiences are nothing like as bad as my Sister's were, suffice to say she ended up so stressed out that a child counsellor was called in to our home, and he strongly advised that she was moved to a different school. This proved to be a good decision, and she went on to get excellent qualifications and her stress levels drastically reduced.

I went to different Convent Schools, so thankfully did not attend the house of horrors Hayley did. Both of us were brought up as Church of England, but both of us attended Catholic Convents and we each had our own problems with them.

We both attended the same Convent infant school, although not at the same time due to a 5 year age gap. The infant school was very good, and covered children up to the age of 7. The only criticisms I would make of it looking back were the fact they did rap children over the knuckles with rulers if they were naughty. However, the Nuns there did at least have a sense of humour, and when I wrote a story about my Father being so 'Bad Tempered' they called my Mum into the school to show it to her, but made her promise not to tell me off for writing it. Apparently the Nun's had all passed it around the Convent and found it hilarious.

Another occasion a pupil in the same year as me had his Father called into the school. It was obvious the Reverend Mother was struggling not to laugh as she explained to the father that young 'Phillip' had been caught in the playground measuring his willy against the other boy's.

Then I went to Primary School, also a Convent. This was a good school, but with a distinct bias towards the Catholic pupils.

We were forced to go to Mass several times a week. The Mass was held by a large French aggressive Priest who would physically abuse (shake etc), and shout at pupils who he felt weren't paying enough attention. God knows how he expected attention when few people could understand a word he was saying with his strong accent.

The Reverend Mother of the school, who I can only refer to as 'Sister M. P.' was a cruel Nun, and she would reprimand naughty pupils by lifting a desk lid, getting them to place there hands on the inside of the desk, before dropping the lid back onto their fingers.

Likewise when it came to the 11 plus exam, this same Reverend Mother had a large say in who passed and who failed. Ironically all the Catholics in my year passed, and none of the Protestants, even though many of the Protestants were far more intelligent than certain Catholic students. The exam results only formed a part of the pass decision, and the rest was based on the advice of the Head Mistress (Sister M. P.) as to the overall performance throughout the year.

I was one of the ones failed, much to the huge shock of my none 'Nun' teachers' and my out of school 'top up' coach. My Sister by now was at the college I would have gone to had I passed, and the Headmistress there was totally amazed I did not pass, and was equally shocked by the low caliber of some of the students sent to her school that did!

What was worse for me, was that I truly felt comfortable I would pass, as I knew most of my answers at least were correct, my only doubts being on some of the maths questions.

Don't send your children to Catholic Convent Schools. Some of them are good, but too many of them are bad for you to be certain the one you send your child to is not the same.

If you are determined to send your child to a Catholic Convent, then first speak to pupils who have left the same school, and ask them what it was like and if they were happy during their time there.

Believe me, in spite of our parents paying for my Sister's education, the school I have quoted the most true stories about is still a horrible memory for her that changed and moulded her disposition into someone lacking in self-confidence.

Having been repeatedly 'forced' to participate in live singing in front of many, purely because our Mother was a professional singer, Hayley will now never sing in front of others, which is a terrible shame, (whereas I will, but I ended up at a normal secondary modern school where I achieved excellent qualifications with no pressure).

Think very carefully about the decision to send your children to Catholic Convent Schools, as unless you are sure they will be happy in your choice of school, it could traumatise them for life.